To kick him out 3 days after he moved in!?

[YourRubyBee]

Hi all, I have been with my boyfriend for about a year, he had never been to my house (my choice) and instead I stayed at his parents house with him 3 nights a week and we went out etc. I moved house last week and he was meant to be moving in with me. Unfortunately the house move fell during the week he was away on a lads holiday that was booked months ago.

He came back from his holiday Monday night and came straight to the new house. He has effectively been in bed since. He has gotten up a few times, once to shower and once to make a sandwich, other than that he has been in bed (mostly asleep). At one point he bought an airbed downstairs and slept on it on the living room floor because there are no blinds in the bedroom yet and the sun was in his eyes and the 'couch is uncomfy' (this was during school hours and he went back upstairs to bed when my kids were due home).

I have done the house move, organising everything, cooking, cleaning, laundry, shopping, school runs etc alone. I am looking after the kids (mine from a previous relationship) and the dog. He put a lampshade the night he got here and has done precisely nothing since. He says he has a sore throat but it feels like an excuse. To be fair to him he was saying he had a sore throat whilst on holiday but still managed to go out drinking every night. He is a qualified tradesman but he isnt working right now.

I have asked him to get up and come downstairs, walk the dog with me, have tea together etc (I am currently making him meals and he is eating them in bed).

What would you do? Is this a sign of things to come? He did spend alot of time in bed whilst we stayed at his parents house but I assumed it was because we spent our time together up there watching films etc because his parents were downstairs.

Any advice please

Look, sometimes things only emerge when we change a context.

Like in your case, now the two of you share an equal space as adults but turns out he's not 'adulting'.

He's also not bothered working, so there's a lack of motivation or a reason to get up and do something every day.

"He isn't working at the moment because he is using inheritance to support himself."

Chances are he won't work anytime soon.

Now, if you have an income then some might ask - why work?

But what you are seeing is that you are his new Mummy who is his Carer not an equal.

I think you both want different lifestyles and they don't suit.

He's not going to take over management of the house as an equal.

If you look back in things maybe you were masterminding this whole moving in together and he was just saying 'yeah, hmm that sounds good' to please you.

Maybe he was happy living in the country pile yet also having you over 3 days a week.
He thought you would just do the Mummy tasks as well in the new place.

Sorry for your troubles and all the effort you went to. You were just trying to build a nice family for you and the kids, and him.

But be Firm. Have Boundaries.

You are giving your kids a terrible example!
Why have you let him move in?
Don't you have any self respect?

Send him back to his mum. Yes that could cost you the relationship but there's not really a lot to lose anyway.

He sounds like a prize Cocklodger. I wouldn't accept that behaviour from my teenagers. My 15yo DD came home from a school trip abroad (v. Long overnight flights) and arrived back when we were in the middle of moving house and provided more assistance, albeit unwillingly.
Any tradesman who is unemployed at the moment is not an actual tradesman, more likely a shoddy labourer. Tradesman are overrun with work in our area and would be taking on anyone that knew what they were doing.
He is extracting the urine.

You moved him in with your kids after knowing him for just a year????

@YourRubyBee I’m sorry you have had some shitty comments. Unfortunately, there are lots of nasty keyboard warriors on Mumsnet. You’re being sensible by realises quickly that letting him move-in was a mistake. He is clearly a man child. Suitable for a bit of fun only!

My guess is he's on a comedown from using drugs on the holiday but to give him benefit of the doubt could he have Covid and is genuinely ill?

This

Forgetting the shitty first week you’ve had in the home…….. what would concern me the most is that he has a sizeable inheritance and instead of buying a house, starting his own business or upskilling, he has decided to move in with his gf, not work and piss the money up the wall on a lads holiday. The lack of ambition and drive would be a complete turnoff for me. What is he planning to do when the money runs out? What a waste of an opportunity.

Also you mention that his parents house is currently for sale - is this the reason he decided to move into your home after just a 12 month relationship? Or for true love? 🤔

Send him back to his parents. He isn't ready to live as a grownup yet and you don't need another kid about the place especially not a lethargic teenager.

No one falls in love quicker than a man looking for somewhere to live

Sorry but it must be so uncomfortable for them to have a virtual stranger, a male, in their home. If you still like him continue to see him but don’t move in with him until your daughters move out.

This. Why was he living at home? How old are you both?

Where are tour kids when you were staying at his parents house 3x a week?

If you weren't decided before, then please think about them.

They need to see positive relationships not some bizarre stay-a-bed.

All those questions have been answered already. Read the OP's posts.

This entire situation and your choices are such a horrendous example for your teenage girls that it's actually fucking crazy.

I think you were just blindsided by a unless idiot!! You don't really know someone until you move in with them or an expectation has been requested. The set up you had before really suited your situation, now it's time to move things along and he just isn't that committed. Absolutely nothing wrong with what you are doing, you've learned a lesson in some strange way.
Your girls are teenagers, they're not babies. An you're clearly allowed a life outside of being a parent. And from what you've said, they have a father.
They're hardly bloody traumatized.

Take the shitty comments with a pinch of salt as they're just judgy and "perfect" parents, obviously they've NEEEEEVVVVER made risky choices (insert massive eye roll)..

Good luck with the chat!!

Trust me these are red flags and will not improve unless you tell him that his previous lifestyle is over if he lives with you. Living together is a partnership pulling together with things like cooking childcare maintenance and sadly chores unless you want to live in a pigsty. Laziness is not acceptable and if you don’t want to spend your life living with a non contributor you have to tell him he probably thinks he is acting normally. Reality shape up or ship out. NEXT

Kick him out. Honestly, why on earth would you put up with this? What sort of example are you setting for your children?

I used to work with a woman who moved a man in then realised he was awful to live with and moved him out and split up within a week.

That was nearly 20 years ago and I'm still impressed with her.

OP I had COVID last week and although I only had a sore throat and headache, I was so fatigued I could barely function. Like sleep for 12 hours, nap while baby did and still be yawning at the dinner table.

Give him a week and see if he’s lazy or ill.

I would be very unsure about financially taking care of a man when I had children though.

Don't beat yourself up OP. It's such hard work being a single mum it's really easy to be taken in. It absolutely broke my heart when I realised my exH was also one of these. He love bombed me at the beginning and I was so happy. I waited 2 full years to marry him during which he was perfect partner then it all went horribly downhill from the very day of my marriage to him.
During our marriage I was totally invisible to him unless he wanted something.

@YourRubyBee I haven't read every single reply so apologies if I'm repeating. Some commentators on mumsnet can be ruthless. Chuck him out, he's useless, etc... Did you talk to him? I'd be really interested to hear his defence.
The fact that he's 26 shouldn't affect the relationship. He should be behaving more maturely (do his part of jobs, and he should be working!). Either way, good luck. It's good that he can just move out without negative impact to you or the girls.

You need to postpone the living together, more the him living with you and continuing to act like the child he is at his parents. I'm sure many of us have been on the same type of bender but don't spend the next few days in bed, unless a teenager maybe and even then I would've been told to get up and at it.