To kick him out 3 days after he moved in!?

[YourRubyBee]

Hi all, I have been with my boyfriend for about a year, he had never been to my house (my choice) and instead I stayed at his parents house with him 3 nights a week and we went out etc. I moved house last week and he was meant to be moving in with me. Unfortunately the house move fell during the week he was away on a lads holiday that was booked months ago.

He came back from his holiday Monday night and came straight to the new house. He has effectively been in bed since. He has gotten up a few times, once to shower and once to make a sandwich, other than that he has been in bed (mostly asleep). At one point he bought an airbed downstairs and slept on it on the living room floor because there are no blinds in the bedroom yet and the sun was in his eyes and the 'couch is uncomfy' (this was during school hours and he went back upstairs to bed when my kids were due home).

I have done the house move, organising everything, cooking, cleaning, laundry, shopping, school runs etc alone. I am looking after the kids (mine from a previous relationship) and the dog. He put a lampshade the night he got here and has done precisely nothing since. He says he has a sore throat but it feels like an excuse. To be fair to him he was saying he had a sore throat whilst on holiday but still managed to go out drinking every night. He is a qualified tradesman but he isnt working right now.

I have asked him to get up and come downstairs, walk the dog with me, have tea together etc (I am currently making him meals and he is eating them in bed).

What would you do? Is this a sign of things to come? He did spend alot of time in bed whilst we stayed at his parents house but I assumed it was because we spent our time together up there watching films etc because his parents were downstairs.

Any advice please

Tell him it just isn't working and you want him to go back to his parents. The longer you take to ask the harder it will become, and you find yourself putting up with more of this shit but also feeling more unreasonable for asking him to go.

And to clarify, you AREN'T being unreasonable!

How's it going Op, has he left yet? Hope you're ok.

Unlikely. He's got his feet well and truly under the table there and he'll do anything and say anything to stay there. He'll make all the right noises and still manage to get away with schlepping his airbed downstairs because he can't be arsed to put blinds up.

His bed is probably on eBay as we speak…

I despair of people on this site at times, it's like you can't wait to think up the worst possible scenarios in any given situation, which there is absolutely no evidence or hints of in any of OPs posts, and nothing to do with the reason she is posting, just to bash the OP over the head with it for your own entertainment.

I think some people obviously use this site as an outlet for their own dissatisfaction in life purely to ridicule and kick people while they are down, obviously makes you feel more superior.

Well done you.

You're naive.

I'm not saying there's no risk to bring an unrelated male into a household, trust me, I know better than anyone.. loads of people have brought that up with OP already and I'm sure she's aware of the risks herself, that's not what I'm talking about and you know it.

To say, "bet he's been telling his mates he's going to shag her and her daughters" is just nasty.. it's not based in fact, it's not constructive or helpful.. it's designed purely to be hurtful and it's done for no other reason then to give you a sense of self satisfaction.

It's the nature of the anonymous forum though, it gives you free reign to say the sort of nasty remarks you would never dare say to someone's face.

Like I said, well done, hope it made you feel good.

OP you are getting a hard time, I agree, but posters will be doing this because of their experience of previous posters in your situation that often don’t get what’s wrong with letting, say, a man with no ambition nor regular work they’ve only dated a year move in with their teen daughters, so Mumsnet are coming at you hard in case you’ll be stubborn seeing how bad this is. You’ve fucked up but you do actually see it. We all fuck up, I’ve made some absolute shockers. What do you want to do next? Are you going to send him home, break up with him…?

You have been totally stupid op, but you have acknowledged this and early in too.

Get him out and apologise to your daughters.

You have got this...show your girls your strengh and that they come first.

Best of luck x

You're right. There are different ways to say things and choosing to stick the boot in in as nasty and insulting a way as possible is only going to make the op walk away from the thread when she might otherwise have chosen to read it and take some of the good advice.

Nobody's going to sit and read umpteen pages of people telling them they're a terrible person and then be open to following advice from their attackers.

It's easy to end up being harsher than you ought to be, I'm guilty of it myself at times, but it's not a good thing and it should be avoided really. That's a person with feelings on the other side of the screen and I think it's too easy to forget that sometimes.

Please show him the door.
Other than paying himself what is he planning to do with his inheritance? Buying a flat/house to rent it out while living in yours?

Sounds like you're dating a teenager, dump him, get yourself a man next time..........

When I first read your post I imagined you were early 20s with young kids and a millennium boyfriend of about the same age. But you have teenagers! So either he is a toy boy or he is old enough to know better. Still staying at his mums ? Sleeping all day? Going on lads' holidays? Not working if he can't be bothered? Is he 22?! Sorry, unless he is still a kid he shouldn't be doing this.

shameful, unpleasant and unnecessarily offensive, altered the whole tone of the thread, as @IncompleteSenten said, the OP will have gone away, disheartened
and probably upset, because you couldn’t resist, could you?

I am currently making him meals

WTF are you doing this?

Return to sender

I only said what lots of other posters were thinking. If you are so upset about my post please report it and have it deleted. That might help you to calm down a bit.

I think to kick him off is an excellent idea.

Agree with this. YANBU and the anger towards you was undeserved in my opinion. We’ve all had our heads turned and made mistakes but it’s not unsalvageable. Set some expectations for him of what you need him to do and if he doesn’t change in a week give him his marching orders.

I asked for advice, I realise I've been an idiot here and I'm going to resolve it this evening.

You haven't been an idiot @YourRubyBee - or at least not more than many women. We are conditioned by our society to look after those we love. Go easy on yourself!

The fact that the man you love isn't worthy of you is another matter.

But please do chuck him, or keep him as a weekend boyfriend. His behaviour won't improve, if he isn't trying to impress you at the start of living together.

OP we’ve all made mistakes, some huge cock ups and some smaller bloopers; I’m 63 and could write you a list of mine.
But…. the important thing isn’t what you’ve done but how you deal with the fallout. And you seem to realise that you’ve made a mistake and now you can deal with it. Probably won’t be easy but you can do it. I worry more for the women who can’t even see the issues in their lives.

On the off chance that this is vaguely real - @YourRubyBee - YWBU to move him in in the first place so YANBU to kick him out.

You have a stern word about behaviour and responsibility and if he doesn't get off his ass and start contributing he goes back to his parents.

Show him the bloody door waster