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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - ex husband immigrating and abandoning our son

623 replies

howsweet · 04/07/2024 16:01

Im ready for a mixed bag of opinions here

me and exh have been separated for 7 years - we have an 8 year old ds

Exh has told me that he plans to immigrate to Australia with his fiancé and their two children.

On Sunday when ds came back from his dads upset and he told me their house now has a for sale sign outside so I text me exh to ask outright what’s going on and he told me they’re immigrating. First I’ve heard of it! He said he has to think of his ‘new family’ (his exact words) and giving his two younger children a better life!!
AIBU to be fuming ? Especially as my son is distraught ? I mean they haven’t even invited him to go with them (not that I’d let him go) but that’s not the point to me! My son sees his dad for a full weekend every other weekend and always has done, and goes for tea every Wednesday night. I’m just devestated for my son.

I asked where they’re up to in the application process and my exh wasn’t for giving me any info at all, he just said they are getting married then going… house is already up for sale, my ds can’t even be included as they are going on his fiancées visa - she is a teacher and so my exh and their two kids will go dependent on her visa , apparently my son can’t as she isn’t his mother, is this true or a cop out? He also said he isn’t sure if he can send me maintenance anymore as he will be staying out of work for a while to gets the kids sorted and she will be going straight into a teaching job! Can I stop them going? Where do I stand legally? I’m not arsed he’s got a new family or they will have a new life in Australia all I care about is my poor son not seeing his dad anymore and my ex thinking he can fuck off to the other side of the world, abandon our son and not bleeping pay for him!!

never could I move to the other side of the world without my son! I’m worried about the emotional damage this is going to cause

AIBU??? Please be honest!

OP posts:
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9
Staringatthewalljustmeagain · 04/07/2024 21:00

UpThePankhurst · 04/07/2024 20:33

OP I had a very similar conversation (not for the first time) with my father very recently, and I'm decades older. It seems to be with some men that they do this - delete their previous children and relationships, and it's now and their new partner and home that matters. My Dm has fought and held on to keep our relationship going, he left when I was a child. He's rejected me multiple times but through a lot of effort on my part, a lot of sucking it up and taking it and making everything easy for him I've managed to hold on to some nice few days with him once a year or so. This weekend he threw a lot of that back in my face and made it clear my happy memories of having time with him aren't his, they were a resented imposition when he wanted to be with his now family. And I'm an adult, with capacity your little 8 year old can't begin to manage.

I wish I'd just severed all contact with him when he first left and tried to do this. I wish I hadn't learned to put myself second and cling on, and I wish I hadn't spent a childhood and adulthood of being repeatedly bitterly hurt by trying to chase and hang on to someone who really doesn't want to be my parent. The grief would have been awful, but it would have been once and done, and not a chronic lifetime injury.

I am so very sorry you and your poor little boy are facing it, I know how it feels.

Edited
Show quote history

How absolutely awful your dad is. 😞

NinaPersson · 04/07/2024 21:00

ExH and his new wife are both a pair of fuckers

YankTank · 04/07/2024 21:01

@howsweet , so does DS actually know what’s happening yet, or has he only seen the For Sale sign?

InterIgnis · 04/07/2024 21:01

howsweet · 04/07/2024 20:44

As for her. she is a primary teacher and assistant headteacher at her current school. I know this because she used to work at my friends daughters school but then left for this new job and parents were told she had been promoted and there was a big leaving do for her.

i know she has money in her own right but my exh has always worked hard in his occupation and he made decent money when we were together and I know he still does now. I’ve never known him not to work. Maybe because they’re going over there based on her job then maybe she is the one who has to jump straight into work and he is going to settle the kids in schools etc? God knows but either way they can’t expect me to just lose his payments every month which contribute to my sons existence!

They can, and what’s more you will have to adjust to doing that. If he isn’t working then there will be no child support that can be collected, or even debt accrued for the period of time in which he’s not paying. What she does or doesn’t have financially is irrelevant, she isn’t responsible for paying it.

OhcantthInkofaname · 04/07/2024 21:02

I just saw your update where you said his financial payments were unofficial. I know I posted before but you need to make these official before he leaves. Its going to take some time for the house to be sold.

Lara333 · 04/07/2024 21:04

bossybloss · 04/07/2024 20:58

I am wondering how she got a visa as a teacher …

There have been adverts for teachers to go and teach in Western Australia.

elm26 · 04/07/2024 21:05

Heartbroken for your little boy. What an absolute arsehole your ex is. So sorry you're going through this!

Lara333 · 04/07/2024 21:07

OhcantthInkofaname · 04/07/2024 21:02

I just saw your update where you said his financial payments were unofficial. I know I posted before but you need to make these official before he leaves. Its going to take some time for the house to be sold.

Is he still working in the UK ir finished ready to move? If not, there won't be anything to claim.

BifurBofurBombur · 04/07/2024 21:10

Dweetfidilove · 04/07/2024 17:58

Did this father not even think to prepare his son for this before he turned up to a for sale sign ☹️.
And why is compounding that by opting out of his financial obligation as well?

I hope Australia brings him immense misery. I can see why you're fuming, OP 💐.

I hope Australia brings him immense misery.

I do too. A nice spider bite maybe. Not fatal, just painful forever.

BifurBofurBombur · 04/07/2024 21:12

howsweet · 04/07/2024 20:17

I’m totally overwhelmed by all your supportive responses. I thought I was going to get the old ‘jealous of the new wife & kids’ rubbish!

I have text him and told him we need a meeting pretty soon.

I want to know exactly how he plans to maintain his relationship with ds and how often he plans on seeing him? In my opinion it’s exh who needs to do all the leg work in terms of making sure ds can go over to visit/ exh coming back to the uk for visits. I want to know how on earth he plans on providing for his oldest child from the other side of the world if he’s not going to be working? we have an unofficial agreement - he has never once missed a payment. So this bewilders me how he’s gone from paying from his child to him then telling me he won’t be doing. By the time they move, they will be married, am I able to claim CSA of her wage? Or not as she isn’t legally responsible for providing for ds? I’ve no Idea the Legal obligation of a step parent, can anyone shed light?

as far as I know, the house was hers before they got together, he then gave up his rental and moved in with her. I don’t know if he is on the mortgage now, but he can’t have been originally. Where do I stand trying to get a cut of their house sale? I need to make sure I can give my son a quality of life and a roof over his head, food, warmth, everything else my dick head ex husband is going to neglect!

I don’t think you can have a cut of their house sale, especially if it’s in her sole name.

ConfusedNoMore · 04/07/2024 21:13

Nothing constructive to add but this has brought a tear to my eye for your boy. What an utter piece of shit. How could he even contemplate it let alone do it. I'm so very sorry.

Massively unfair on both of you. Total scumbag.

Delphiniumandlupins · 04/07/2024 21:18

When you divorced did you have a financial settlement? I'd get onto that now if not. I can't understand how someone can just switch off their emotional and financial responsibility for their child. And obviously he should have given you some warning to help your DS through this.

Grammarnut · 04/07/2024 21:22

ClareWilsonNS · 04/07/2024 16:13

He's an absolute scumbag to do that to your son. Your son is possibly better off learning this sooner than later but obviously the hit to your finances will be tough. I'm afraid you should plan for not seeing any money from him ever again.

I can't understand how the new wife is happy to go along with this? If he can abandon one child he could abandon a second family too.

Doubt new wife has thought of that one - should occur to her after a while. I wonder how ex's new DCs are doing. They will also suffer. Selfish man. Oh, and Oz is woke capital of the transworld - maybe not as good a move as ex thinks.

GingerPirate · 04/07/2024 21:23

Meadowfinch · 04/07/2024 16:17

Wow. Some men really are horrendous.

How can anyone be a parent for 8 years, be in their child's life every week, love him, and then just shrug and walk away. It's beyond me.

Some people do this, not just to their children.

SD1978 · 04/07/2024 21:25

If he's not working, the. He can not be made to give you anything, her wage is inconsequential. If he starts work, then you can start a new claim, but it would be long and costly. Your poor son, being given no time to get used to this and not knowing until the house was up for sale.

WalkingaroundJardine · 04/07/2024 21:36

Your poor DS!

I too am amazed that some second wives / partners think nothing of first children being treated like that by their partners. It does not occur to them they may one day receive the same treatment?

indigox · 04/07/2024 21:36

Livelovebehappy · 04/07/2024 20:37

If/when they move, find out where his wife is working, and send emails and faxes to the school saying you’re trying to contact an employees husband as he is refusing to pay maintenance for a child he has abandoned in the UK. This might embarrass his wife into sorting out the matter. I did this when my ex dh moved to South Africa without my knowledge, and not leaving us with an address or arrangements to pay. But I found out the name of the company employing him. Although it was faxes then (don’t think places use fax machines these days). I just bombarded his place of work daily. All the staff there and his boss were reading the faxes, and he was so embarrassed it forced his hand to start paying maintenance. Sometimes you have fight dirty.

This isn't something to be boasting about. Pure harassment

Staringatthewalljustmeagain · 04/07/2024 21:39

indigox · 04/07/2024 21:36

This isn't something to be boasting about. Pure harassment

Show quote history

Yeah but I really can’t blame her for doing it.

aLittleWhiteHorse · 04/07/2024 21:41

15 years ago I was in a very similar position and DC was a couple of years younger than your son. I had to get a solicitor in their country to get maintenance.

Honestly, it was in many ways better because I was able to parent without as much negative interference. Their children haven’t had a great time with them and my DC is now very grateful to have been raised by me. (It also turned out my exH ran up a very large debt which I am still on the hook for as we were not yet divorced, which was why he emigrated. )

ExH kept in touch via annual holidays and regular phone calls. It may turn out for the best, depending on what happens in the future.

ScottishDora · 04/07/2024 21:44

Australia are really good at enforcing maintenance or at least they were 10 years ago, my aunties ex thought be could avoid it by being on the other side of the world but nope the Australia authorities take a very dim view off it.

Whothefuckdoesthat · 04/07/2024 21:44

Whatthefuck3456 · 04/07/2024 17:30

Tell your son the positive he gets to spend every summer holiday in Australia.

And back in the real world, where flights to Australia can’t be paid for with buttons and fairy dust, that would be a very cruel promise to make to an eight year old boy, don’t you think?

Cherry85 · 04/07/2024 21:46

Sorry - are you sure you haven't misunderstood what he is meaning re not working? It sounds like she will have a job placement as part of her visa and he is listed on the visa as a dependent but once they are there you can still work (all my friends OH's have on theirs?) Maybe he just meant whilst he finds a job?

The meeting sounds like a good idea, but don't get all worked up about the money yet.....go in calmly and get all the info first.

Don't get me wrong - he is an utterly twazzock doing this to your son and the way he gas gone about telling you both - but don't get egged on by folk on here and go charging in like some warrior goddess.

It's happening - the best chance you have of getting anything out of him is playing the supportive but disappointed ex partner and asking in a positive way how it will all work......then fucking rip his balls off if he is shafting you - but not before!

Roastiesarethebestbit · 04/07/2024 21:50

Wow what a piece of
scum. Your poor son. What about your ex’s parents? Does your son have a good relationship with them?

pontipinemum · 04/07/2024 21:52

Your poor son. His little heart. Does dad have any intentsions of flying him out to oz for holidays? That should really be part of his plan if he absolutely must move. But I couldn't bare it for a second.

If he's not working IDK what they can do but I think maintenance can be enforced but he should want to pay.

Do you think the grandparents will stay involved? A brother of one of my ILs fecked off for himself to the other side of the world too but his parents take his child one weekend most months and the aunts are pretty involved. The child is a sweetheart and is brought to all family occasions on dads side - without dad.

Mrsdyna · 04/07/2024 21:55

I don't know how he could do that. I could never leave my kids. Makes me so sad for your boy.