AIBU - ex husband immigrating and abandoning our son

[howsweet]

Im ready for a mixed bag of opinions here

me and exh have been separated for 7 years - we have an 8 year old ds

Exh has told me that he plans to immigrate to Australia with his fiancé and their two children.

On Sunday when ds came back from his dads upset and he told me their house now has a for sale sign outside so I text me exh to ask outright what’s going on and he told me they’re immigrating. First I’ve heard of it! He said he has to think of his ‘new family’ (his exact words) and giving his two younger children a better life!!
AIBU to be fuming ? Especially as my son is distraught ? I mean they haven’t even invited him to go with them (not that I’d let him go) but that’s not the point to me! My son sees his dad for a full weekend every other weekend and always has done, and goes for tea every Wednesday night. I’m just devestated for my son.

I asked where they’re up to in the application process and my exh wasn’t for giving me any info at all, he just said they are getting married then going… house is already up for sale, my ds can’t even be included as they are going on his fiancées visa - she is a teacher and so my exh and their two kids will go dependent on her visa , apparently my son can’t as she isn’t his mother, is this true or a cop out? He also said he isn’t sure if he can send me maintenance anymore as he will be staying out of work for a while to gets the kids sorted and she will be going straight into a teaching job! Can I stop them going? Where do I stand legally? I’m not arsed he’s got a new family or they will have a new life in Australia all I care about is my poor son not seeing his dad anymore and my ex thinking he can fuck off to the other side of the world, abandon our son and not bleeping pay for him!!

never could I move to the other side of the world without my son! I’m worried about the emotional damage this is going to cause

AIBU??? Please be honest!

Please don’t do this, it will only be setting him up for massive disappointment when the odds are he probably will have contact with his dad no more than a couple of times before he’s grown up.

I think you need to take time to find out legally what is available but also take a breath.

This is a shock.

However, some of the things you are asking are not likely even if your ex was staying in this country.
For instance, I have not ever had a cut of my ex’s house sales, even though he paid very little CMS.
I've not ever had access to his wife’s salary or their joint house profits. In fact, his CMS was cut because his wife had a dependant son ( in fact he was allowed to set aside more money for his wife’s child, than he was told to pay for his own two).

Systems don't always bring about the result you want.

OP I had a very similar conversation (not for the first time) with my father very recently, and I'm decades older. It seems to be with some men that they do this - delete their previous children and relationships, and it's now and their new partner and home that matters. My Dm has fought and held on to keep our relationship going, he left when I was a child. He's rejected me multiple times but through a lot of effort on my part, a lot of sucking it up and taking it and making everything easy for him I've managed to hold on to some nice few days with him once a year or so. This weekend he threw a lot of that back in my face and made it clear my happy memories of having time with him aren't his, they were a resented imposition when he wanted to be with his now family. And I'm an adult, with capacity your little 8 year old can't begin to manage.

I wish I'd just severed all contact with him when he first left and tried to do this. I wish I hadn't learned to put myself second and cling on, and I wish I hadn't spent a childhood and adulthood of being repeatedly bitterly hurt by trying to chase and hang on to someone who really doesn't want to be my parent. The grief would have been awful, but it would have been once and done, and not a chronic lifetime injury.

I am so very sorry you and your poor little boy are facing it, I know how it feels.

Can't you mess up his visa application. ?

I can never understand how easily some parents walk away from their dc. What an awful human being.

Pretty sure you can’t claim cms as they have no jurisdiction abroad. It sucks.

If/when they move, find out where his wife is working, and send emails and faxes to the school saying you’re trying to contact an employees husband as he is refusing to pay maintenance for a child he has abandoned in the UK. This might embarrass his wife into sorting out the matter. I did this when my ex dh moved to South Africa without my knowledge, and not leaving us with an address or arrangements to pay. But I found out the name of the company employing him. Although it was faxes then (don’t think places use fax machines these days). I just bombarded his place of work daily. All the staff there and his boss were reading the faxes, and he was so embarrassed it forced his hand to start paying maintenance. Sometimes you have fight dirty.

As for her. she is a primary teacher and assistant headteacher at her current school. I know this because she used to work at my friends daughters school but then left for this new job and parents were told she had been promoted and there was a big leaving do for her.

i know she has money in her own right but my exh has always worked hard in his occupation and he made decent money when we were together and I know he still does now. I’ve never known him not to work. Maybe because they’re going over there based on her job then maybe she is the one who has to jump straight into work and he is going to settle the kids in schools etc? God knows but either way they can’t expect me to just lose his payments every month which contribute to my sons existence!

I’m so sorry this is happening. I think there will be no financial support from now on as he has said and there’s nothing you can do about this.

I would meet him and calmly tell him he is actively harming his son by having no consideration to their future contact and this will have a detrimental lifelong emotional impact on his son. He may tell himself that this is ok but it’s not and it will haunt him. He is a bad person who is actively harming his child for no reason, an arrangement can be made.

Take the financials out of this he’s obviously a selfish b** your child’s emotional well-being is far far more important imo.

The embassy won't care, also they don't technically have access to the visa applications, that's the immigration authority, who also, won't care.

He won't have to list any other 'financial obligations' on his visa, especially if he is the dependent on her original visa. He can list him on there as his child staying in the UK but it won't make any difference to their application, depending on what visa it is, as a dependant on her visa, the most he will have to do is pass a medical and a criminal record check and even then you can come in with a criminal record/medical conditions, it just depends on what they are.

Anything else just doesn't matter unfortunately, you can apply for reciprocal child maintenance however it's unlikely to go far, and if he doesn't work they will just close it until you have further information that he does, I say this because their child maintenance struggles to keep up with the useless people who don't pay it and live in Australia (like my ex)

My ex is moving 4 hour plane ride away (in Australia) this week and gave our 13 year old son a weeks notice, we have an older son who he hasn't told at all. You are better off just supporting your son and not worrying about 'revenge' for want of a better word and letting your ex just do what he wants, your child will know what has happened when they get older, don't waste your energy or time on someone who clearly doesn't care. It's not worth your mental health and you can't make him care (as I well know)

I'm British and live in Australia and completed the visa application myself when we came. Sorry this has happened to your son.

Your ex is unbelievable. Unfortunately what he’s doing isn’t unheard of and there’s nothing you can do (unless he ends up working for a British company there and then potentially you can ask for CMS).

Be careful with this advice.

I was on the other end of something like this where my ex contacted my work. He was trying to prove to my boss that I had lied to her and falsely taken a sick day, when in fact my DC’s were ill. He was wrong, she knew I was absent with sick DC’s, I hadn't lied and taken a sick day.

Anyway, my boss was bombarded with calls and emails from him, threats to ‘go higher’ she explained to him that I was not connected to him any longer, she had no need to deal with him or share my personal business or any arrangements regarding work and she would not be dealing with him.

She then complained to his bosses about his harrassment of her.

This is harassment.

@howsweet how much does he currently pay you per month?

As a step mum who is mum to my step sons half siblings, I cannot fathom anyone making that decision. Me and DH wouldn't even move out of the area let alone that! They must really be a cruel pair. Your son is very lucky to have you

It’s a crappy thing to fo

but his new soon to be wife has zero obligation to pay cms. Her earnings will be discounted from any maintenance due. If he’s not earning the assessment will be nil

you have no legal basis for a claim on the house sale unless you are divorced and do not yet have a financial order in place.

you do need to sit Duennweiller with him and ask what he plans to do re seeing his child and how he plans to pay maintenance

https://www.servicesaustralia.gov.au/registering-maintenance-liability-made-outside-australia?context=21911

Just dropping this for you OP. He can’t get out of paying by moving.

Teachers are regular people. There are empathetic ones and arseholes, generous and selfish ones.
Looks like OP’s son got stuck with a loser stepmom who also happens to be a teacher.
I’d wager that there’s people like her in every walk of life, in banks and law offices and bakeries and markets and police stations and yes - even churches.

I really hope this happens to the bastard.

I'm sorry this is happening op and totally understand how upsetting it must be.

But tbph your questions are ridiculous. Can you claim child support from her (Australian) wages? Can you get a cut of their house sale? Of course not, what on Earth are you thinking?

If you even hint at this then you'll firmly place yourself in the role of hysterical, crazy ex they had to escape, a story that may one day be told to your child.

I wanted to emigrate to Australia for as long as I can remember but when I met my now husband and he already had a child I knew that dream was over. At least until dsd was adult. But then we were too old for visas and we've had to stay. I wouldn't have dreamed of asking my DH to leave his DD behind and nor would he have agreed if I had. Your ex is a piece of shit and sounds like his wife is too.
Anyway it's not as rosey there now and hugely expensive so they may be back soon.

I am wondering how she got a visa as a teacher …

Men who abandoned their kids.

Teachers were always on the skills shortage lists when I used to look

The harassment was justified. He left the UK without telling my son or myself, intending to disappear and not pay for his son, whilst working over there permanently for a six figure salary. I gave him the chance of making contact with his son, and also providing maintenance, via his mother over here. Two months later - nothing. I’d been left with no other choice but to do what I did. Sometimes you have to do what you have to do.

You have no right to any of their house sale and I’m slightly gobsmacked you think you would.

She has no financial obligation to your child.

Enforcing child maintenance abroad will be hard.

good luck.