AIBU - ex husband immigrating and abandoning our son

[howsweet]

Im ready for a mixed bag of opinions here

me and exh have been separated for 7 years - we have an 8 year old ds

Exh has told me that he plans to immigrate to Australia with his fiancé and their two children.

On Sunday when ds came back from his dads upset and he told me their house now has a for sale sign outside so I text me exh to ask outright what’s going on and he told me they’re immigrating. First I’ve heard of it! He said he has to think of his ‘new family’ (his exact words) and giving his two younger children a better life!!
AIBU to be fuming ? Especially as my son is distraught ? I mean they haven’t even invited him to go with them (not that I’d let him go) but that’s not the point to me! My son sees his dad for a full weekend every other weekend and always has done, and goes for tea every Wednesday night. I’m just devestated for my son.

I asked where they’re up to in the application process and my exh wasn’t for giving me any info at all, he just said they are getting married then going… house is already up for sale, my ds can’t even be included as they are going on his fiancées visa - she is a teacher and so my exh and their two kids will go dependent on her visa , apparently my son can’t as she isn’t his mother, is this true or a cop out? He also said he isn’t sure if he can send me maintenance anymore as he will be staying out of work for a while to gets the kids sorted and she will be going straight into a teaching job! Can I stop them going? Where do I stand legally? I’m not arsed he’s got a new family or they will have a new life in Australia all I care about is my poor son not seeing his dad anymore and my ex thinking he can fuck off to the other side of the world, abandon our son and not bleeping pay for him!!

never could I move to the other side of the world without my son! I’m worried about the emotional damage this is going to cause

AIBU??? Please be honest!

I've no experience but may be worth speaking to a solicitor

You’ll need to apply for CMS stat. As it won’t take into account ad hoc support. Do this asap OP, and then you may be able to transfer it. But beware it may come to nothing if he’s not working. But if he starts working then maybe you can claim.

Take the weekend. Try to find out as much about the plans to leave as possible, and to establish what intentions your ex has with regard to paying maintenance and staying in touch.

Research and find a solicitor who specialises in this and get in touch with them, first thing Monday morning. It sounds like you might be well advised to get a formal court order for maintenance/ financial settlement and maybe contact - you want to have his details, wherever he is - before he goes.

Get the best legal advice you can find, this is a really specialised area.

I respectfully disagree.

When I applied for an Australian visa, I had to list my step children, their ages, and where they lived on my application. They were already Australian citizens so I was not asked to provide any further information. I do not know if that would have been the case if I were leaving underage children behind in the UK.

(I also had to provide details of my parents and siblings, and their place of residence and citizenships. I can’t remember if I had to provide details of siblings’ children or not.)

Also, he is a fucking piece of shit. And a fucking cunt for the way he let you and his son find out. A fucking for sale sign?!

Yes, his son will need to be listed as a member of his family, but that’s it.

If he isn’t working he legally doesn’t owe child support, there’s no action Australia (which doesn’t have jurisdiction anyway) or REMO will take.

On Sunday when ds came back from his dads upset and he told me their house now has a for sale sign outside so I text me exh to ask outright what’s going on and he told me they’re immigrating. First I’ve heard of it! He said he has to think of his ‘new family’ (his exact words) and giving his two younger children a better life!!

What an unbelievably cruel way to let his child find out he’s leaving; through a for sale sign. I really hope you manage to put something in place via REMO. I’d pay money to see the look on their faces when they realise it’s not going to be quite as simple to abandon his financial obligations as he thought it would be.

If there is any way you can afford it, (obviously things are going to be tight for you) I’d really encourage you to look into counselling for your DS. He’s going to be left with some significant emotional issues thanks to this shit of a man. If the money isn’t there, maybe a mnetter could suggest a charity that might be able to help. I know Gingerbread used to offer things like this, years ago, but I don’t even know if they exist anymore. You’re not a civil servant by any chance are you? They have a charity that also helps dependants.

Other than that, all I can do is join with you to wish a lifetime of spider bites, snakes in the toilet bowl and jellyfish stings for him. Cruel shit of a man. And his wife has got to be unbelievably stupid if she can watch him abandon his child and still think that he’d never do it to her children if some other woman came along.

@Cherry85 I completely agree. Although I’ve suggested the OP look into all avenues and get advice before they leave, I definitely meant on the quiet at first. Someone upthread suggested that she contact the Australian equivalent of CMS (REMO) now, for example.

I hope the meeting goes well, OP. Be nice to their faces, even if you want to scream at them. 💐

@Pankhurst

*OP I had a very similar conversation (not for the first time) with my father very recently, and I'm decades older. It seems to be with some men that they do this - delete their previous children and relationships, and it's now and their new partner and home that matters. My Dm has fought and held on to keep our relationship going, he left when I was a child. He's rejected me multiple times but through a lot of effort on my part, a lot of sucking it up and taking it and making everything easy for him I've managed to hold on to some nice few days with him once a year or so. This weekend he threw a lot of that back in my face and made it clear my happy memories of having time with him aren't his, they were a resented imposition when he wanted to be with his now family. And I'm an adult, with capacity your little 8 year old can't begin to manage.

I wish I'd just severed all contact with him when he first left and tried to do this. I wish I hadn't learned to put myself second and cling on, and I wish I hadn't spent a childhood and adulthood of being repeatedly bitterly hurt by trying to chase and hang on to someone who really doesn't want to be my parent. The grief would have been awful, but it would have been once and done, and not a chronic lifetime injury.

I am so very sorry you and your poor little boy are facing it, I know how it feels.*

This is heartbreaking and I am sorry your father is and has been so shitty.
@OP dp take heart that your DS will be hurt now, but in the long run better to know now that his dad isn't worth a lifetime of effort and chasing for scraps of love.

Showing his true colours and where his priorities are. I would be heading straight to a solicitor. Or gingerbread single parent charity maybe be able to advise and it’s free! He needs to pay maintenance. I would be sending a calm together message for him without expecting a reply about your disappointment for his care of your son. Your son sadly is going to learn who is the real parent in his life. Maybe there is the possibility of holidays with his dad in the future. It’s not good enough. I wouldn’t be encouraging the what if he wants to come with you conversation.

So bloody what? Sometimes people deserve to be harassed. Good on her!

I'm sure by the time she had done all that the staff were understanding why her husband had moved so far away. It just makes her sound bitter and crazy, whether that be true or not.

Another thought and a seed to implant, they are taking a massive risk moving there. If one of them doesnt like it and wants to return to the UK then they wont be able to bring the children back without the others consent, theres been a few horror stories on here over the years. If he has done this to your child it shows what kind of man he is and its not one you should move to the other side of the world with.

Would you consider moving to Australia too?

I know it sounds rather extreme- (and let's face it, not fair) but depending on your set up, it might work and be good to keep the relationship going with your son and his father?

It really would depend on you and your son's set up in relation to family / work etc here in the UK. You might have loads and not want to leave- or you may not. And also whether you could get a visa for Aus.

ah come on. that's a bonkers suggestion.

OP. You can claim. We (Aus) have reciprocal agreements with the UK. I've a friend in Canada doing it. Athough I sadly can't say they're any better about enforcing it & men find ways of avoiding it, like lowering their income through various dodgy means.

He'll have to work eventually. One wage is not enough to sustain a family here, as cost of living is astronomical, especially if renting.

Our info on how it works (govt site):
www.servicesaustralia.gov.au/child-support-when-parents-and-children-live-outside-australia?context=60015

Maybe. But if it's something that the op had once considered, but had binned because she was maintaining the relationship with son and dad, then it may not be so bad?

Trying to think laterally. As realistically, he is no longer part of his father's new family. I mean, that's an enormous rejection

We have a shortage of teachers too, and it's on the preferred skills list for immigration.

It was definitely harassment, @ForGreyKoala and I don’t think anyone would recommend it. Informing an employer can be effective though.

Here in the US, a friend’s ex stopped paying child support thinking she wouldn’t be able to afford legal advice, but she contacted a charity that helps ppl with these situations.

One of their lawyers sent him a letter informing him that they were contacting his employer and suddenly, the payments started up again. No further action needed. I suppose that he didn’t want anyone to know that he was a deadbeat Dad. 🤷

a massive rejection, an unforgiveable one.

but uprooting her son away from all he knows, to most likely just be rejected again by his father, isn't going to help.

the man is a shit.

I wouldn’t even mention the financials to begin with. I’d be asking how he can justify to himself that he won’t damage his sons mental health, because of course it will. And how he’s going to try to minimise this.

Then I’d be saying on top of that trauma, his lifestyle will change dramatically too, because you won’t be able to provide the same standard of living for him. Extra trauma on top of the heartbreak of not seeing the dad he loves so much and whose always been part of his life as he knows it.

How can he do this to his son?

When you come here as a skilled migrant filling a shortage, you have to go where they tell you for 2 years. And the places with teacher shortages aren’t the nice spots like the Gold Coast or Sydney’s northern beaches. It’s places like Canberra which is bloody freezing all the time or smaller towns out west. So the OP and her son probably wouldn’t want to live there anyway.

If possible, I think you need a face to face meeting with the couple, ideally with a counsellor who could advice of the harms of him leaving his son. That might be too optimistic though for him to agree to though. Really cruel on both of their parts.

The question is why was your ex so secretive about something so massive? Why did he not bring it up sooner? Instead of the really awful way DS found out?

Was it because he thought you would flip out - but what would that matter?

Was it because his new wife (to be) wanted to ensure her partner wouldn't back out of the idea of emigrating or get cold feet, which if you had vocalised your anger and the impact on your DS he may well have done? I suspect she told him not to mention it to you or your son until the plans were firmly implemented to avoid this happening. Nasty.

Or was it that you might have been able to put a proper spanner in the works? Do you know if he has actually included your son in his application at all?

Does your ex have any savings? Would CMS have the ability to check this? I would demand any savings he has at all, even just a few thousand be passed over into DS account, as you don't know how long he will not be working for.

I'm not sure I would blindly believe that part either by the way. He may have a job lined up waiting for him already, but they have both done the cost of living calculations and decided maintenance makes things a struggle and selling you a BS story.

He's been shady. Take everything he says with heavy doses of salt.

I will never understand how any parent could do this.