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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - ex husband immigrating and abandoning our son

623 replies

howsweet · 04/07/2024 16:01

Im ready for a mixed bag of opinions here

me and exh have been separated for 7 years - we have an 8 year old ds

Exh has told me that he plans to immigrate to Australia with his fiancé and their two children.

On Sunday when ds came back from his dads upset and he told me their house now has a for sale sign outside so I text me exh to ask outright what’s going on and he told me they’re immigrating. First I’ve heard of it! He said he has to think of his ‘new family’ (his exact words) and giving his two younger children a better life!!
AIBU to be fuming ? Especially as my son is distraught ? I mean they haven’t even invited him to go with them (not that I’d let him go) but that’s not the point to me! My son sees his dad for a full weekend every other weekend and always has done, and goes for tea every Wednesday night. I’m just devestated for my son.

I asked where they’re up to in the application process and my exh wasn’t for giving me any info at all, he just said they are getting married then going… house is already up for sale, my ds can’t even be included as they are going on his fiancées visa - she is a teacher and so my exh and their two kids will go dependent on her visa , apparently my son can’t as she isn’t his mother, is this true or a cop out? He also said he isn’t sure if he can send me maintenance anymore as he will be staying out of work for a while to gets the kids sorted and she will be going straight into a teaching job! Can I stop them going? Where do I stand legally? I’m not arsed he’s got a new family or they will have a new life in Australia all I care about is my poor son not seeing his dad anymore and my ex thinking he can fuck off to the other side of the world, abandon our son and not bleeping pay for him!!

never could I move to the other side of the world without my son! I’m worried about the emotional damage this is going to cause

AIBU??? Please be honest!

OP posts:
Thread gallery
9
LlynTegid · 04/07/2024 19:33

I would have a bit of understanding had he married an Australian or was one himself, but this is not the case.

I think you should seek legal advice.

BruFord · 04/07/2024 19:39

InterIgnis · 04/07/2024 19:24

The Australian embassy are highly unlikely to care. He has no maintenance debt, and him not being able to pay maintenance because he’s unemployed on a dependent visa isn’t going to bother them.

If/when he is able to work and gets a job OP can look to apply via REMO if/when she is made aware of it.

@InterIgnis Do you know this for sure, or are you surmising?

The reason some of us are advising her to contact the embassy is twofold:

  1. To notify them in case he’s submitted a false application.
  2. They may be able to point her towards resources when if/when he’s employed in Australia.

If he’s submitted an accurate application and the embassy has no advice for her , so be it. It’s still worth a try.

OhcantthInkofaname · 04/07/2024 19:43

It seems like he is leaving you to handle an emotionally devastated child without warning.

You might want to do some research on failure to pay child maintenance in Australia. Some countries get really upset with parents evading responsibility. You need a CMS current order to be in place before he leaves. I don't care if you haven't had a problem getting him to provide for his child currently, this is changing. You need to put his responsibility in contractual form beforehand. He said he not only leaving you with a child who feels emotionally abandoned but financially as well. Don't allow it.

Chdjdj · 04/07/2024 19:49

I don't get how someone can just abandon their son.... That's horrible

InterIgnis · 04/07/2024 19:51

BruFord · 04/07/2024 19:39

@InterIgnis Do you know this for sure, or are you surmising?

The reason some of us are advising her to contact the embassy is twofold:

  1. To notify them in case he’s submitted a false application.
  2. They may be able to point her towards resources when if/when he’s employed in Australia.

If he’s submitted an accurate application and the embassy has no advice for her , so be it. It’s still worth a try.

Show quote history

I’m saying it based on what I knew when I was working in the field. All they’ll want to know is that the dependents on the visa are able to be financially provided for.

I’m not saying she shouldn’t contact the embassy if she wants to, I’m saying she shouldn’t get her hopes up. Child support is a REMO matter, the embassy isn’t going to care.

Tengreenbottles2 · 04/07/2024 19:55

He is scum, and I don't use that word lightly. Scum. How on earth could anyone do that to their own child. I'll never understand it, I don't want to understand it. Deadbeat useless waste of space. At least your son has you.

TeaGinandFags · 04/07/2024 20:01

The UK and Australia have very good legal links. If he thinks that he's getting off scott free he's dreaming. Get your solicitor onto this and ask for costs.

Go get him, OP.

BruFord · 04/07/2024 20:01

@InterIgnis That makes sense. Wouldn’t the Dad have to list his older son as a financial dependent (not on the visa, of course) in the UK though?

I’ve only gone through the American immigration system and they poked their nose very thoroughly into my life-I wouldn’t have dared pretend that I didn’t have another child!

itsmylife7 · 04/07/2024 20:02

What a bastard doing that to his son.

Essentially discarding his son for his other children.

Definitely look in to the maintenance situation more.

Neininoonoo · 04/07/2024 20:09

Does he pay through CMS now? If so it is enforceable in Australia too,see gov.uk for info. I know he says he won’t be working initially, but that won’t be for long because I doubt they can live this better life in Oz on just a teachers salary. When he’s working you should be able to claim the money your son deserves.
what an asshole though?! I feel so sorry for your son. Xx

Runsyd · 04/07/2024 20:09

Ozanj · 04/07/2024 16:18

if his child mainenance is court ordered you can take enforcement action. It can often result in them losing their right to remain there because Australia takes a dim view of non-workers not paying their bills. Get legal advice.

This. I'd lawyer up, OP. Make life as difficult for him as you can.

rwalker · 04/07/2024 20:10

You can’t change the situation you can only deal with it best you can

he’s walking away from his son so he might as well do it now tell him your stopping access soon forget waiting till house sold and he’s ready to go

InterIgnis · 04/07/2024 20:10

BruFord · 04/07/2024 20:01

@InterIgnis That makes sense. Wouldn’t the Dad have to list his older son as a financial dependent (not on the visa, of course) in the UK though?

I’ve only gone through the American immigration system and they poked their nose very thoroughly into my life-I wouldn’t have dared pretend that I didn’t have another child!

Ha, same on that one.

Yes, he will need to name him as his child.

Runsyd · 04/07/2024 20:14

Hufflemuff · 04/07/2024 19:27

I can't believe 15% of people think YABU... you are most definitely NOT being unreasonable.

I know, right? What the fuck is wrong with those people?

Original poster
howsweet · 04/07/2024 20:17

I’m totally overwhelmed by all your supportive responses. I thought I was going to get the old ‘jealous of the new wife & kids’ rubbish!

I have text him and told him we need a meeting pretty soon.

I want to know exactly how he plans to maintain his relationship with ds and how often he plans on seeing him? In my opinion it’s exh who needs to do all the leg work in terms of making sure ds can go over to visit/ exh coming back to the uk for visits. I want to know how on earth he plans on providing for his oldest child from the other side of the world if he’s not going to be working? we have an unofficial agreement - he has never once missed a payment. So this bewilders me how he’s gone from paying from his child to him then telling me he won’t be doing. By the time they move, they will be married, am I able to claim CSA of her wage? Or not as she isn’t legally responsible for providing for ds? I’ve no Idea the Legal obligation of a step parent, can anyone shed light?

as far as I know, the house was hers before they got together, he then gave up his rental and moved in with her. I don’t know if he is on the mortgage now, but he can’t have been originally. Where do I stand trying to get a cut of their house sale? I need to make sure I can give my son a quality of life and a roof over his head, food, warmth, everything else my dick head ex husband is going to neglect!

OP posts:
EvangelicalAboutButteredToast · 04/07/2024 20:22

It sounds a VERY convenient way for the new wife to get rid of the husbands ex and child and financial burden in one fair swoop. I would bet you this was her idea.

Clueless2024 · 04/07/2024 20:22

It's a shitty thing to do.

Atleast there is FaceTime or zoom calls, so maybe some form of contact can be maintained but it won't be the same.

Hayliebells · 04/07/2024 20:23

What a shitty father.

Staringatthewalljustmeagain · 04/07/2024 20:23

How unbelievably awful for your son. What an utterly selfish cunt your ex is. I’d be devastated for my child. And I’d very calmly tell the ex quite what I thought of him.

InterIgnis · 04/07/2024 20:24

howsweet · 04/07/2024 20:17

I’m totally overwhelmed by all your supportive responses. I thought I was going to get the old ‘jealous of the new wife & kids’ rubbish!

I have text him and told him we need a meeting pretty soon.

I want to know exactly how he plans to maintain his relationship with ds and how often he plans on seeing him? In my opinion it’s exh who needs to do all the leg work in terms of making sure ds can go over to visit/ exh coming back to the uk for visits. I want to know how on earth he plans on providing for his oldest child from the other side of the world if he’s not going to be working? we have an unofficial agreement - he has never once missed a payment. So this bewilders me how he’s gone from paying from his child to him then telling me he won’t be doing. By the time they move, they will be married, am I able to claim CSA of her wage? Or not as she isn’t legally responsible for providing for ds? I’ve no Idea the Legal obligation of a step parent, can anyone shed light?

as far as I know, the house was hers before they got together, he then gave up his rental and moved in with her. I don’t know if he is on the mortgage now, but he can’t have been originally. Where do I stand trying to get a cut of their house sale? I need to make sure I can give my son a quality of life and a roof over his head, food, warmth, everything else my dick head ex husband is going to neglect!

No, she has no legal obligation to pay maintenance on his behalf. That’s his responsibility, not hers.

I don’t see where you would have grounds to ask for a cut of the house sale, no. Even if she has named him on the deeds/he’s on the mortgage, you’re not currently divorcing (presumably you got a financial order when you did), and he doesn’t owe you a debt you can claim.

LanaL · 04/07/2024 20:25

howsweet · 04/07/2024 20:17

I’m totally overwhelmed by all your supportive responses. I thought I was going to get the old ‘jealous of the new wife & kids’ rubbish!

I have text him and told him we need a meeting pretty soon.

I want to know exactly how he plans to maintain his relationship with ds and how often he plans on seeing him? In my opinion it’s exh who needs to do all the leg work in terms of making sure ds can go over to visit/ exh coming back to the uk for visits. I want to know how on earth he plans on providing for his oldest child from the other side of the world if he’s not going to be working? we have an unofficial agreement - he has never once missed a payment. So this bewilders me how he’s gone from paying from his child to him then telling me he won’t be doing. By the time they move, they will be married, am I able to claim CSA of her wage? Or not as she isn’t legally responsible for providing for ds? I’ve no Idea the Legal obligation of a step parent, can anyone shed light?

as far as I know, the house was hers before they got together, he then gave up his rental and moved in with her. I don’t know if he is on the mortgage now, but he can’t have been originally. Where do I stand trying to get a cut of their house sale? I need to make sure I can give my son a quality of life and a roof over his head, food, warmth, everything else my dick head ex husband is going to neglect!

I’m not certain , but I know that a new partners children can be considered when being assessed for CMS ( I know this as I had an old friend who was gloating her partners ex was getting less because she had children he was providing for - although this woman also had an unofficial arrangement with her child’s father for maintenance ! ) so , surely if payments can be reduced because of a new partners children then it should work the other way around with the new partners wage being used - especially if they marry .

Answersunknown · 04/07/2024 20:26

I’d be getting that lack of maintenance plan in writing and then send it to the visa agency as evidence of character!!!

AylesBuck · 04/07/2024 20:26

howsweet · 04/07/2024 16:01

Im ready for a mixed bag of opinions here

me and exh have been separated for 7 years - we have an 8 year old ds

Exh has told me that he plans to immigrate to Australia with his fiancé and their two children.

On Sunday when ds came back from his dads upset and he told me their house now has a for sale sign outside so I text me exh to ask outright what’s going on and he told me they’re immigrating. First I’ve heard of it! He said he has to think of his ‘new family’ (his exact words) and giving his two younger children a better life!!
AIBU to be fuming ? Especially as my son is distraught ? I mean they haven’t even invited him to go with them (not that I’d let him go) but that’s not the point to me! My son sees his dad for a full weekend every other weekend and always has done, and goes for tea every Wednesday night. I’m just devestated for my son.

I asked where they’re up to in the application process and my exh wasn’t for giving me any info at all, he just said they are getting married then going… house is already up for sale, my ds can’t even be included as they are going on his fiancées visa - she is a teacher and so my exh and their two kids will go dependent on her visa , apparently my son can’t as she isn’t his mother, is this true or a cop out? He also said he isn’t sure if he can send me maintenance anymore as he will be staying out of work for a while to gets the kids sorted and she will be going straight into a teaching job! Can I stop them going? Where do I stand legally? I’m not arsed he’s got a new family or they will have a new life in Australia all I care about is my poor son not seeing his dad anymore and my ex thinking he can fuck off to the other side of the world, abandon our son and not bleeping pay for him!!

never could I move to the other side of the world without my son! I’m worried about the emotional damage this is going to cause

AIBU??? Please be honest!

Can’t you take legal advise asap and ask if you can claim on the house sale? Arguing that he is planning on dodging maintenance by immigrating? It’s unbelievable that some fathers can just get away with this!

Catnipcupcakes · 04/07/2024 20:28

Thighdentitycrisis · 04/07/2024 17:14

Wow what a piece. I’m sorry for you and your son, who is also losing his siblings

I was the child of the second marriage. The half siblings will be as glad as the stepmother to be rid of him, in my experience. They’ve been told how to feel about him right from the start.

ButterCrackers · 04/07/2024 20:29

If he is going to abandon his son - it sounds like this might be the case- get legal advice. If there’s no way you can get child support from him and he refuses to pay then look into removing him as the father to your son. There has to be a way for you to legally cut all ties. Leaving for Australia with his second family with no plans for his son to visit or to see his son again and no plans to fund his child have to be grounds enough to remove him as a parent. Adding in that if you do this you could send a copy of the documents to his wife’s family in Australia. Let them know what a loser he is.