AIBU - ex husband immigrating and abandoning our son

[howsweet]

Im ready for a mixed bag of opinions here

me and exh have been separated for 7 years - we have an 8 year old ds

Exh has told me that he plans to immigrate to Australia with his fiancé and their two children.

On Sunday when ds came back from his dads upset and he told me their house now has a for sale sign outside so I text me exh to ask outright what’s going on and he told me they’re immigrating. First I’ve heard of it! He said he has to think of his ‘new family’ (his exact words) and giving his two younger children a better life!!
AIBU to be fuming ? Especially as my son is distraught ? I mean they haven’t even invited him to go with them (not that I’d let him go) but that’s not the point to me! My son sees his dad for a full weekend every other weekend and always has done, and goes for tea every Wednesday night. I’m just devestated for my son.

I asked where they’re up to in the application process and my exh wasn’t for giving me any info at all, he just said they are getting married then going… house is already up for sale, my ds can’t even be included as they are going on his fiancées visa - she is a teacher and so my exh and their two kids will go dependent on her visa , apparently my son can’t as she isn’t his mother, is this true or a cop out? He also said he isn’t sure if he can send me maintenance anymore as he will be staying out of work for a while to gets the kids sorted and she will be going straight into a teaching job! Can I stop them going? Where do I stand legally? I’m not arsed he’s got a new family or they will have a new life in Australia all I care about is my poor son not seeing his dad anymore and my ex thinking he can fuck off to the other side of the world, abandon our son and not bleeping pay for him!!

never could I move to the other side of the world without my son! I’m worried about the emotional damage this is going to cause

AIBU??? Please be honest!

How did the conversation go OP?
No you aren't entitled to any of the house even if his name is on it as you are already divorced and assume any FO already settled.

No you aren't entitled to anything that his new fiancé earns even if they are married.

You do need to formalise the payments via CMS though otherwise it will be hard to pursue him there if he stops payments

Hopefully he will see reason and not go down that path.

Hoping also he will commit to communicating and seeing your son.

He's a massive nob for doing this though. Happened to a friend of mine recently.

I don't know if it's a good idea or not but what about your son writing his Dad a letter explaining how he feels. He is obviously a crap person to be even thinking of this but maybe he is actually incredibly stupid and doesn't quite realise what he is doing.

Do you fancy moving to Australia too? That could be the answer.

I have been in the exact same situation many years ago.
My Ex left with his new family, to Australia without a word. I was told by friends after they had gone. Our child was 9. He never said goodbye. Stopped paying maintenance AND stopped all contact. It was a hatefull thing to do.
It is his decision. You have no say. Its rubbish. BUT do have a conversation with him to ensure his continued contact. Video calls, voice calls, the opportunity for your son to visit in the future etc. The time difference will be difficult and contact may decrease but effort should be made. It totally messed up our child.

My god that is wicked.

Have you or your son made any contact with him since?

If your ex had any family What did/do they say???!!

Cruel bugger!!

It was an awfull time.
He kept it a total secret from his family only his new wives family and friends were in on the secret. I heard they had left second hand when it bacame a rumour. Everyone was shocked. One minute he was in our childs life next gone. It was like a death but worse because it was chosen rejection. There was nothing anyone could do or say.
You can only move on with your own life and look after your child.
Unfortunatley my ex decided to return and wanted to initiate contact at the age of 13, it completeley sent our child off the rails and has never really recovered. Now has childhood trauma. Guess I didnt do such a great job :((

Listen you did a brilliant job! 💐 Any child would be traumatised by such cruel abandonment on the part of a parent, the one person in life you're meant to be able to depend on not abandoning you.

It's your ex whose 100% to blame. Nothing is on you. You're a supermum. It sounds like you did the very best you could in a situation that there simply isn't any guidebook to negotiate because it's always going to cause damage. It is inevitable.

Men who do things like that to their offspring are total gutter trash.

I'm so sorry you and your poor child have suffered so much.

I would like laws to prevent things like this. It shouldn't be permitted for a parent to sod off somewhere and drop all contact with a child.

I agree.
Try and hold yourself with dignity and grace in front of your son when the sperm donor is spoken about in front of him.

I am so very sorry for your situation x

Horrible situation for you &your son.I hope you get some explanation to how your EX thinks it will work with your son x

As for posters saying his new wife should be more caring about the step son. Bollocks, the only thing second wives care about is their own children and cosy little family unit. She's not going to give two figs about him. In fact, sorry to say but she'll be glad to shake him off permanently.

This. How far away can you get more than to Australia?!

I'm so sorry for your son OP. It's a shitty thing of his father to do. Get him into therapy.

I'm a solo mum and he's now a well-balanced, all round lovely adult.

As you can see most people do not think you're being unreasonable. Although my exh hasn't gone to the other side of the world, he has moved far enough away to mean my youngest can't see him every other weekend.

And as with you, I had to hear his plans from the kids on returning from seeing him. Including getting married and moving away. He has also, as is his right, completely stopped any financial help with my eldest who turned 18 last August. Despite the fact she lives with me for several months over the summer.

I feel sad for my two that his actions suggest he no longer cares about them. New life and all that.

I hope you can find some sort of solution. Especially regarding maintenance pay. I can't believe he is within his right to stop payments.

Hugs.

What happened when you spoke to your ex, OP? Your silence suggests that it didn’t go well.

Get yourself to a solicitor who specialises in family law as soon as possible. You have to act to protect your son’s financial future.

My kids dad moved to Australia - He didn't tell us though. You can get maintenance from him but I advise you to start the process NOW as it takes 6 months to get an enquiry form, 6 months for them to process it and send you application forms, 6 months for them to process it and send it abroad etc. It's long winded but they Australian Maintenance people are really good!
Sorry you're going through this - but my kids have adapted and now barely think of their dad, they haven't seen or heard from him in 4 years (Aged 13, 11 & 11) x

[email protected]
This is the email address to start the Reciprocal Enforcement Maintenance Order.
They can't give legal advice but they send you all the right forms, tell you what to do and send them off for you 🙂
Honestly, request the forms now - doesn't matter if you don't know the address - I just knew their dad was in Perth and they found him instantly!

Australia has a very good child support agency, (reciprocal agreement with UK) once he is settled and in a job, contact them and they will automatically take the payments from his wage.
He will not be able to get out of child support

Sorry for such a delayed reply. I was emotionally exhausted and drained after the conversation with exh - which turned into a row between me and his fiancé. so they have had an opportunity that they ‘absolutely cannot refuse’ and they want to give their children ‘a big adventure’. She has a connection over there and a good job opportunity. They will be going to perth.

im not even going to cut it short so long post alert.

So I went into this conversation with my sons emotional well-being at the forefront - I decided I wasn’t going to ask about the money thing at this time because I wanted my exh to know and focus on just how upset our son is about this whole thing. So exh apologised to me for the way I found out and agreed that he should have told me in person. He then said that our son has known about the move for months and that they’ve had lots of conversations about it and maybe he has only just mentioned it to me now because the house has gone up for sale! As far as contact goes, he promises to FaceTime as much as possible - but mentioned that the time difference is awkward - and that his mum (ex MIL) will fly over with ds in the 6 weeks holidays every other year and that he will pay for his flight. I said ok but I don’t think 6 weeks every other year is sufficient enough for a little boy to see his dad when he’s used to regular contact, and that he should see him every year. That’s when i hear his fiancé on the other end of the line muttering something. He then says ‘just bear in mind that we’ve got two other children and when ds visits it will impact their routine and they will still be at school then as Australia break for summer in December instead’ ….so I was in complete and utter shock at this statement.
this is when I start to get pissed off. I remind exh that he has his first son to consider and we go back and forth for a couple minutes as he tells me that he loves our ds but his other children have a great opportunity to grow up in Perth. I then fully call him out and say he’s abandoning his first son.

this is when his bleeping fiancé gets on the phone and wow she had a lot to say for herself. I could barely get a word in edge ways and I was left shaken by how careless and callous she was about my son.
she said that she’s sick to death of never being able to totally do what she wants with her own kids, her experience of first time motherhood was ruined because of my ds because apparently my exh and his family made a fuss of him when their baby was born so he didn’t feel left out and she said that it was a shit time for her. She resents that she has to work out what weekend it is before she plans something for her own kids. It annoys her how the behaviour of the younger kids changes when my ds is there because they get giddy and excited. She said she isn’t missing this opportunity to take her kids to Australia for a better childhood and that exh can go with them or stay here to be with ds. I feel like she’s been reading on here because she literally said to me, if I think for one second that I can go to csa officially then exh will quit his job and that I won’t be getting a single penny off her income. Apparently I’ve had enough of his money over the years and that she can prove none of it goes on ds!!! Utter bullshit

i called her a selfish cow and reminded her again how he has his oldest son who he is going to leave behind. This is when goes in with the lowest blow ever ‘but he didn’t want to have a baby with you did he’ and started going on about how I forced exh to have a baby. I did not force exh to get my pregnant, it was a joint decision, but the truth is that at the time I knew deep deep down he didn’t want a baby with me and that our marriage wasn’t going to last. We were together 10 years but our marriage only lasted 2 years. He left when ds was a baby and he did remind me that he didn’t want ‘any of this’
So she knows our history and stuff I can’t even believe he’s admitted to her! This is the reason that I was gutted when he met her years ago and had their first baby because I could see in his whole demeanour that he was happy and he dotes on those two children. I know people will
say you don’t know what goes on at home but it’s clear as day that he cherishes those children and that woman in a way he never did with me and ds.

I lost my shit and called her an evil bitch amongst other things and she hung up the phone. ive not spoken to either since and when exh came for ds the other day he waited at the car and didn’t come to the door and chat as he usually does.

i don’t know where to go from here. Obviously it needs addressing as this awkwardness can’t carry on and I’m just so distraught by the whole thing and totally embarrassed

Honestly, put your energy into finding a decent lawyer.

Personally I’d find a way to help your son understand the truth of the situation and help him to detach.

Your Ex and his wife are despicable. You need to be there for your son - that’s all that matters.

I’m not sure what your relationship with his parents is like but maybe they can be a more active part of his life.

I just cannot conceive of his behaviour and his wife’s either. My heart break’s for your son.

I'm starting to think your son is better off without his dad, or any of them. That's genuinely disgusted me.

Oh op I’m sorry you and your son are having to deal with those the reality is that if his father goes the relationship with him is over as this woman will make it as difficult as possible and even with all the promises in the world contact will Peter out. Don’t give your son false hope about weekly calls next as promises you can’t keep will just make his pain and disappointment worse as he will always be waiting at the time his piece of selfish shit father says he will call only for there to be some excuse. Ask to speak to his father alone about how he intends to provide for his son if he even intends to at all. Sounds like his new partner is a total bitch

Agree.

Wow, what despicable people.

She’s a disgusting woman and he’s a useless man. So disappointing.

In your position I would put my heart and soul into my DS and do my best to lesson the blow. He is far better off with you than he would be at their house, where he is clearly not welcome anyway.

Maybe this is not such a bad thing considering everything else. Do you want your child having regular contact with this woman? Better believe she is the one calling the shots when your son is with them. I don't think that all of what she said wouldn't have any impact on how she treats your son.