AIBU - ex husband immigrating and abandoning our son

[howsweet]

Im ready for a mixed bag of opinions here

me and exh have been separated for 7 years - we have an 8 year old ds

Exh has told me that he plans to immigrate to Australia with his fiancé and their two children.

On Sunday when ds came back from his dads upset and he told me their house now has a for sale sign outside so I text me exh to ask outright what’s going on and he told me they’re immigrating. First I’ve heard of it! He said he has to think of his ‘new family’ (his exact words) and giving his two younger children a better life!!
AIBU to be fuming ? Especially as my son is distraught ? I mean they haven’t even invited him to go with them (not that I’d let him go) but that’s not the point to me! My son sees his dad for a full weekend every other weekend and always has done, and goes for tea every Wednesday night. I’m just devestated for my son.

I asked where they’re up to in the application process and my exh wasn’t for giving me any info at all, he just said they are getting married then going… house is already up for sale, my ds can’t even be included as they are going on his fiancées visa - she is a teacher and so my exh and their two kids will go dependent on her visa , apparently my son can’t as she isn’t his mother, is this true or a cop out? He also said he isn’t sure if he can send me maintenance anymore as he will be staying out of work for a while to gets the kids sorted and she will be going straight into a teaching job! Can I stop them going? Where do I stand legally? I’m not arsed he’s got a new family or they will have a new life in Australia all I care about is my poor son not seeing his dad anymore and my ex thinking he can fuck off to the other side of the world, abandon our son and not bleeping pay for him!!

never could I move to the other side of the world without my son! I’m worried about the emotional damage this is going to cause

AIBU??? Please be honest!

I’m not sure why you’re so hung up on whether or not your son can go out to Australia on the Visa as why would you want him to go anyway? That seems a little strange to me. Putting that to one side however, this is a really awful situation for your son and I really feel for you as you are going to be the one dealing with the fallout. Don’t expect any maintenance, my ex-husband didn’t pay maintenance in the UK as he declared he had no income and lied to the tax man. Unless you are willing to pay a fortune to take him to court, there’s really nothing you can do and it probably wouldn’t get you anywhere anyway. I have no idea what the laws are in Australia. Good luck

Perhaps he might have sounded out whether you'd be happy to spend some of your time over there during the summer, but at a minimum he should have discussed a plan for how he'd keep contact with DS and manage the move well in advance of actually telling him.

Happy does not really fit the scenario. Flights are costly, doubt they will offer her the spare room, and would her work facilitate this?
She may be of a 'bite your tongue and think of the child' mind, but the practicalities of leave, travel, especially during school holidays, and cost may be insurmountable for her.
Just another thing he can stick OP with.

YANBU and in your position I’d be exactly the same. However it sounds as if both him and you will be better off without him around. He sounds like an absolute tosser. You however sound like a fantastic Mummy, your boy his lucky to have you

How did your call with him go?

I would be furious in your shoes! How did the call go?

who are the weirdos who think this is ok????

She will simply be referred to the CMS. A child maintenance order requires the consent of both parents.

If he’s unemployed she’s not going to get maintenance. If he gets a job in Australia and she learns of it, it’s a case for REMO.

I'm so sorry for your boy and for you. Enough people have already given a good analysis of your son's father. I can give you some hope on the future as I raised my son on my own when his father lived in a different continent and had a new family. He (my son) flew, unaccompanied to Canada every school holiday to spend time with his Dad and his Dad's family, from an age younger than your son is now. I'm not going to pretend it was easy (for any of us), and my son had some tricky teen years, but he's now 24, happy and well-adjusted. My advice to you? Show your son a whole lot of love, even when he's angry at you (and he will be, because you're the closest to him). Try to de-escalate the tension and stress and try not to speak badly about his father, no matter how awful he is. Our children really suffer when parents are at war. In time, he will form his own opinions, of both of you. He really needs you to hold it together and love him and keep him as safe as you can. It's a shit situation, but you can do this.

Keep calm don’t bad mouth your ex husband to your son. He - your son -has enough pain to carry. Calmly request a meeting with your ex to tell him that he has a responsibility to your son and to keep in touch REGULARLY- weekly at least daily check in if possible skype facebook etc its not that difficult and that he needs to meet with your son to explain himself and calm his trauma. Believe me if it ends up a ranting session - much as you feel the need to vent - it will be more painful and damaging to your son.

I put you are not being unreasonable based on the effect on your son but equally they have a right as a family to go where they can have a better standard of living and more opportunities for their children. I really don't blame them. I think this needs to be put to your son as an exciting adventure for everyone, he will have an amazing place to go visit his dad when they are settled plus the opportunity when he's old enough to go there to spend time with his dad and siblings. Get yourself a Facebook portal to keep in contact and make sure it happens.

I was a second wife and I think what you have said about us not caring about the previous children is rubbish! Most second wives especially if they had kids would not be this heartless and whilst I can see why they are going, who doesn't want a better place to bring up your family in, I think it's been handled badly and that's fully on dad. He should have been talking to you and your son about this right from the get go and making a plan to preserve his and your sons relationship as much as possible. It's is very sad.

Children shouldn't be emotionally gaslit in order to accommodate adult consciences and facilitate bad adult decisions.

There is nothing 'exciting' about a father prioritising one set of his children to the extent of abandoning the other, giving them 'more opportunities' whilst literally depriving another child of opportunities because he won't be able to pay maintenance and will be poorer

Men receive such an easy get of jail free card in society. I've been on MN for over a decade and if a mother upped and left her child in the way OP's ex is saying he intends to, there would be none of the flippant responses some have posted here. That I can guarantee.

In fact there was a thread a few months ago where a very responsible and involved single parent was considering sending her child to live with his own father and half-siblings in France so he could receive a better education.

She was given very short thrift.

*Shrift

It's up to OP's Ex to make sure that he bothers his arse to keep in contact with his son. In no way can it be an classed as an 'adventure,' the child is too young to travel to Australia and just how often do you think his Dad is going to be able to come back to the UK? And he has the gall to think he can get away with not supporting his son, his mother will have to not only have to pick up the pieces after Dad has gone swanning off in the sunset, she is expected to carry the full financial burden as well.

Well it sounds like the move is going to happen regardless so whilst OP needs to acknowledge her son's distress and help him deal with it, his relationship with his dad needs to be preserved as much as possible with his dad's input as well, with as positive a spin put on it as possible. It sounds like Dad has always been in his son's life and will want to keep that relationship going.

I know how difficult it is to keep in contact from so far away as I have to do it myself, but it's doable. I actually know a few of my eldest daughters friends who have one parent living in Australia and have regular visits and contact and it works just fine. I think the way its been dealt with from the dads side has been rubbish though.

How you could you possibly communicate this to an 8yo as an exciting adventure for anyone except his dads new replacement family he visibly loves more, since he’s abandoning the 8yo.

You need legal advice ASAP. Most solicitors give a free half hour consultation to outline your options, then you can decide whether or not to pay to pursue those options. Or Citizens Advice Bureau.

But he can't be allowed to just walk away - please seek proper advice.

@Lulu49 I appreciate what you’re saying, but I really don’t think that putting a positive spin on the situation is the right approach.

What his Dad is doing is morally wrong and the OP doesn’t want her son growing up thinking that it’s ok to abandon your child. Be positive if his Dad does make an effort to visit or invites him over, but that’s it.

Otherwise her son might assume that that his Dad’s behaviour is acceptable.

@BruFord , I agree with you , . I’m really not sure that lying to a child is a great idea . I’m also very dubious that contact will be kept up , given how this has been handled so far .

I disagree.

I don't think you do have a right to live where you like when it means leaving one of your children twelve thousand miles away.

If you have a child, then you are responsible for them until they are an adult.

It's unrealistic that they will keep up their relationship. It's almost impossible to maintain a relationship with people who live twenty six hours away.

It's not impossible but requires work on both sides. Either way the move is happening so everyone has to pull together to make the best of a bad situation.

@Lulu49 The onus is on his Dad to make the effort though, not his Mum.

Of course she shouldn’t openly diss his Dad, but she shouldn’t condone his behaviour either. Otherwise she’s teaching her son that it’s acceptable for parents to leave their children from previous relationships behind like this.

I live in my DH’s home country and if we split up, I’d never consider moving back to the UK (or anywhere else) until my children were young adults. It’s my responsibility to coparent then, not leave them on another continent!

@Lulu49 it is abondenement. Legally one is free to go wherever but morally it is very wrong to a ondan your child. The "new" family, before they became one, should have known and discussed this. I find this attitude from the ex disgusting.

This is true and applies to men who will do anything they can to avoid paying child support for their children. Some even give up their jobs and go self employer so they can lie about how much money they have coming in! I am sadly not surprised at anything men do anymore 😡

@Lulu49 the thing is. It doesn't benefit OPs Son though.