AIBU - ex husband immigrating and abandoning our son

[howsweet]

Im ready for a mixed bag of opinions here

me and exh have been separated for 7 years - we have an 8 year old ds

Exh has told me that he plans to immigrate to Australia with his fiancé and their two children.

On Sunday when ds came back from his dads upset and he told me their house now has a for sale sign outside so I text me exh to ask outright what’s going on and he told me they’re immigrating. First I’ve heard of it! He said he has to think of his ‘new family’ (his exact words) and giving his two younger children a better life!!
AIBU to be fuming ? Especially as my son is distraught ? I mean they haven’t even invited him to go with them (not that I’d let him go) but that’s not the point to me! My son sees his dad for a full weekend every other weekend and always has done, and goes for tea every Wednesday night. I’m just devestated for my son.

I asked where they’re up to in the application process and my exh wasn’t for giving me any info at all, he just said they are getting married then going… house is already up for sale, my ds can’t even be included as they are going on his fiancées visa - she is a teacher and so my exh and their two kids will go dependent on her visa , apparently my son can’t as she isn’t his mother, is this true or a cop out? He also said he isn’t sure if he can send me maintenance anymore as he will be staying out of work for a while to gets the kids sorted and she will be going straight into a teaching job! Can I stop them going? Where do I stand legally? I’m not arsed he’s got a new family or they will have a new life in Australia all I care about is my poor son not seeing his dad anymore and my ex thinking he can fuck off to the other side of the world, abandon our son and not bleeping pay for him!!

never could I move to the other side of the world without my son! I’m worried about the emotional damage this is going to cause

AIBU??? Please be honest!

Definitely legal advice on this and if he should have had to declare ds as a dependent on the immigration forms, and if you can report him in case he didn’t. I give no fucks about scuppering the immigration chances of a man who would abandon his child.

OP feel free to message me if you want more information about how visas etc and things work here in Aus and I will help where I can, some of the replies on here are downright crazy and literally no help to your actual situation that you have and issues arising from that.

Visas to Australia can take a while to sort and this sounds like (based on the fact their wedding isn't until May) something that they aren't thinking about moving until after that at least, I know visas that have taken years to come through, you just don't know.

Take care 🤍 x

That poster spoke quite disparagingly of the weather in Canberra…which was recently ranked as the second best city in the world for quality of life.

Canberra is one of the areas in dire need of teachers atm.

@Codlingmoths @DifficultBloodyWoman

Oh darn, are you saying that this callous pair might actually be sent somewhere nice?

I was hoping that karma might strike and she’d be offered a job somewhere boiling hot in the middle of nowhere!

Alice Springs also needs teachers!

(Actually, until recently, that was a place I wanted to live).

Let’s just hope they, like most Brits, think all of Australia, except that red bit in the middle, is like Brisbane and the Gold Coast. Then they can be surprised on arrival!

He can SAY he's not paying maintenance. Doesn't make it so.

Contact the current child maintenance and find out if he can be held responsible in another country.

Contact the Australian High Commission and explain the situation. It may affect him getting his visa, or leave to remain there later.

And if they get married find out if your son has any rights to maintenance from her income as your XH will benefit from it if not working. If he is given emission to work, check on that too.

Don't just take it lying down.

Oh this is so upsetting to read and I’m terribly sorry for your son.

I have been in sort of the reverse of this situation in that my DH ex took their children to Oz. 2 secondary school age and one primary age. No visa issues here as DH ex was born there so had an Australian passport (£10 Pom scenario that didn’t last long) but in between them getting divorced and us meeting he agreed to the kids also having Australian passports. So there was nothing to stop her leaving with the kids.

it was utter devastation 🙁 we have a child together who’s in his early 20s now but was 8 when they left. He absolutely idolised his siblings, we had good regular contact with all 3 and to all intents and purposes they were his full brothers/sisters. Picking up the pieces was so hard. And still is in a lot of ways.

there’s contact but not a lot of visiting from either side due to the expense/jobs/kids/ general life.

it’s so hard and I feel for you and your son. What I would say is don’t act on the anger or upset you feel now however hard that is. I look at my step children’s lives now and it’s hard to grudge them the lives they have (my DH feels differently)

I have no advice to offer about maintenance because my DH continued to pay until they left education.

you have supported your son his whole life and you will continue to do so. Nothing will make this situation easy for him or you. I wish all the best. Stay strong

If the wedding is not until May next year, and they are moving OS after it, it seems odd to be putting the house up for sale now.

Your son has a good year to get used to this move away by his father, and presumably will come to terms with it and with knowing his father is a bit of a shit. Not much you can do about it, apart from getting information on how to get maintenance, which seems a rather haphazard arrangement currently.

What a nasty two-faced father and step mum.

They want the facade of the perfect wedding while planning to abandon contact, care and financial responsibility for your son. And your son’s father appears to believe that this is a necessary and positive abandonment of his son, as he believes it will benefit his other children ?
Meanwhile, at swimming lessons, the step mum teaches your son’s step- siblings that bullying by exclusion is ok, while working in a senior teaching role and promoting antibullying behaviour.
It must be so confusing for your son. My heart goes out to him. Teach him that he has all the love and support he needs with you, his extended family, friends. Teach him to rise above and live his best life , regardless of the arseholiness shown by others.

He can be resilient , and rise above , with the backing of you and those that genuinely have his best interests at heart, and a strong network of friends and colleagues from groups in the community. Does he belong to a sports, music or other group outside school? What are his interests and hobbies? Does he he have a happy place he likes to go with you and his grandparents or friends ?

By the way I live in Australia with my family and my son is a teacher here, and so hope karma bites. I hope your ex husband gets bitten by a large spider or snake and gets terrible heat rash and can’t find a job he likes

There is a world of difference between informing an employer - which is fine - and bombarding the workplace with faxes, which anyone could read.

I live in australia and it is VV expensive here, a family of four would struggle on a teachers wage alone.

Your ex is a disgusting piece of shit for abondoning his son.

There is also nowhere to rent.

This man is clearly a horrible father and you are quite legitimately angry. His poor deluded new partner has 2 children with this man. If he behaves this badly to one child he can do so to another.

Just seen that your DS is only 8, so I would say no to him attending the wedding, I would also tell the entire world as to why. My DS is also 8 and would be distraught in the same situation, my DD is 13 and regularly calls out her dad for as she calls it 'ditching' planned contact.

I’m so sorry OP.
Yet another man who believes they can step away from the financial and emotional ‘burden’ of raising their own child.
Please do not rely on us mumsnetters you need legal advice. You should also search online official sites yourself and utilise the embassy but the legal advice is a must.
A quick online search showed only legal arrangements will be enforced from Australia under the Reciprocal Enforcement Arrangement so it’s imperative to make your arrangements legal with cms involved. Tell your ex nothing, appear as if you have no clue to your rights, and make no negative comments but just ask questions. Try to get discussions conducted over email - we don’t have time to speak/I’ll forget etc so you have it in writing.
Your poor son, but don’t be the martyr and cover for your ex.

The man is a total waste of space, how men can just up sticks leaving women to pick the pieces is beyond me, but as others have suggested please get some legal advice.

I really wouldn't talk to your son about holidays & Christmas in Australia, he is far to young to travel that far. Reading between the lines, I don't this is something your ex's fiance would encourage anyway. Good luck.

What a horrible thing to do. Please check everything re maintenance.

What a horrible man. How can he just leave his child like that. One that he sees every weekend ? I just can't understand it.

You should see a solicitor ASAP

Sorry if already asked but are his extended family around? What about his parents?

Similar situation happened to a friend of mine. (Except child did not see exDH). Out of the blue a letter arrived from Australian embassy saying child had to attend a medical as his father had applied to emigrate to Australia. My friend had no idea as no contact between her and her ex. When she contacted embassy to query why her son had to have a medical as he was not emigrating with ex and his new family she was told it was mandatory. She did still receive her maintenance after ex emigrated

That’s really odd?

For those asking why the house is up for sale already, it can easily take that length of time to get a sale through, especially if in a complicated chain.
On the other hand, a cash buyer and they could sell up much quicker.
It is important to get the court ordered maintenance set up as soon as possible.