AIBU - ex husband immigrating and abandoning our son

[howsweet]

Im ready for a mixed bag of opinions here

me and exh have been separated for 7 years - we have an 8 year old ds

Exh has told me that he plans to immigrate to Australia with his fiancé and their two children.

On Sunday when ds came back from his dads upset and he told me their house now has a for sale sign outside so I text me exh to ask outright what’s going on and he told me they’re immigrating. First I’ve heard of it! He said he has to think of his ‘new family’ (his exact words) and giving his two younger children a better life!!
AIBU to be fuming ? Especially as my son is distraught ? I mean they haven’t even invited him to go with them (not that I’d let him go) but that’s not the point to me! My son sees his dad for a full weekend every other weekend and always has done, and goes for tea every Wednesday night. I’m just devestated for my son.

I asked where they’re up to in the application process and my exh wasn’t for giving me any info at all, he just said they are getting married then going… house is already up for sale, my ds can’t even be included as they are going on his fiancées visa - she is a teacher and so my exh and their two kids will go dependent on her visa , apparently my son can’t as she isn’t his mother, is this true or a cop out? He also said he isn’t sure if he can send me maintenance anymore as he will be staying out of work for a while to gets the kids sorted and she will be going straight into a teaching job! Can I stop them going? Where do I stand legally? I’m not arsed he’s got a new family or they will have a new life in Australia all I care about is my poor son not seeing his dad anymore and my ex thinking he can fuck off to the other side of the world, abandon our son and not bleeping pay for him!!

never could I move to the other side of the world without my son! I’m worried about the emotional damage this is going to cause

AIBU??? Please be honest!

2 kids on a teacher's salary won't last too long in Australia unless they have heaps of savings or inheritance.

Together we Rise. The only way to make strides is to do the unthinkable.

Yer wot?
This place is like a parallel universe sometimes.

I would check this as I'm sure that when my friend and her husband emigrated to Australia, her husband had to continue to provide for his children that were left here, I'm sure the Australian tax revenue even get involved with dependant children

I know of no examples of this analogous to OP’s situation, if you do I would be interested in the details.

But yes, it is irrelevant as it isn’t his house. The CMS have no jurisdiction in Australia, she’ll have to make a claim via REMO if she learns that he’s in employment in Australia.

VeryUnlikely · Today 21:16
Together we Rise. The only way to make strides is to do the unthinkable.

Just get lost.
OP is in pieces, and this is your response. Idiot.

Many thousands of women disagreed strongly with the suffragettes going to extremes to win women the right to vote. Many women found it wrong and dissolute that these campaigning women left their homes, husbands and children to fight for equality. Do we think that of the suffragettes now? That they were headstrong, wrong and cruel to their families?

Women need to rise and fight for their children's rights. They need to fight for their own rights too. An abandoned mother is immediately severely curtailed in her ability to work and survive when the father abandons the child. She is left with the child. There is no penalty for the man. How is this right?

Jane Addams: "I do not believe that women are better than men. We have not wrecked railroads, nor corrupted legislature, nor done many unholy things that men have done; but then we must remember that we have not had the chance."

Indeed.

I'm so sorry for your son OP, what repulsive behaviour from your ex (and his partner, who clearly pushed for this given she's the one with a job set up already). There's nothing that makes me angrier than men who drop their children from a previous relationship once a shiny new family comes along.

Not sure I would let my DS go to the wedding either in those circumstances, surely its just more emotional pain for him, on the other hide depends on how old your DS is and if he wants to.

As a dressmaker I was thinking ‘strides? What have Australian trousers got to do with moving there?…

They both sound awful if they are willing to move to the other side of the world and abandon his DS if he has been an active father until now. It is not up to you to facilitate his relationship with him though just be there to support your DS. I personally would be exploring legal options as to whether you can force him to pay CMS based on reciprocal Australian/UK arrangements. If he is not working immediately though that could be tricky.

what a shit! Good riddance from your point of view but awful for your son.

as you have had an informal CMS agreement to date is now make that formal via CMS so there is a legal paper trail of payments to present to the Australian authorities if necessary.

I hope he’s given a piece of your mind tonight

So sorry for your both op. They are appalling. I hate these two for doing this to your son.

I should also add I’d be pulling my son from the wedding if exH tonight confirms he is off the Australia whiteout a backward glance.

you say the wedding is next May, but if so, why is the house up for sale now? I’d be asking more questions about this.

i would not be flying my child out to see him either. It’s such a long way, (dad would have to pay) and would be cruel to see the life he’s built there and then be sent back home. I’d make clear him leaving will mean he sees his son when he returns to the UK and query how often that will be

Wrong. If a woman had a child with an ex, and she wanted to leave the country to live elsewhere, the ex would have to agree to it, or it would not happen. smdh

Not even in the vicinity of the same thing. FFS!

I would be absolutely fucking furious if this were my exh. I actually feel quite heartbroken for you and your DS just reading this.

if you are going to piss off halfway around the world with your new family the least you could do is still send money to maintain your sons quality of life.

He's awful OP. When I was younger I had an Australian boyfriend and part of the reason for not continuing the relationship was it being too hard being so far away from family. There is nothing that would move any caring loving parent to move so far away from their little boy.

You need to be his rock through this, he'll come out the other wide with your constance and love. It will take a fucking lot of biting your tongue !

Also just to say - my parents were divorced and for work reasons one of my parents felt they had to emigrate. Do you know what they did? They had a conversation and both emigrated to the new country together, because neither of them could accept not living in the same country as their children. That's how you center children in a co-parenting relationship.

I know I'm unusually lucky in my divorced parents' commitment, and wouldn't have expected your ex to invite you to move to Australia with him...... But there should have at least been a conversation with you before telling DS. Perhaps he might have sounded out whether you'd be happy to spend some of your time over there during the summer, but at a minimum he should have discussed a plan for how he'd keep contact with DS and manage the move well in advance of actually telling him.

https://www.gov.uk/child-maintenance-if-one-parent-lives-abroad/other-partner-lives-abroad

Its shameful and hurtful . Your poor son I’m so sorry.
Not only is your ex leaving you with no practical support , financial support ( take him to court) but also emotionally - now you are going to be picking up the pieces and having to comfort your son. He will be fine as he’s got you, stay strong but just know this man is disgraceful and his wife should be ashamed of herself . Their children probably won’t like it when they get older and realise he left their brother behind!!
I do not get it when people get a ‘new family’ they seem to think it’s ok to abandon the original one. It’s so cold.

Are you ok?😶

@howsweet there has been some good advice on here. Some batshit crazy advice, too, but I hope you can spot it and ignore it.

It’s July. They are not getting married until May and hope to immigrate after then. That gives you time to get your ducks in a row. But not enough time to waste.

You can’t stop them from moving.

But you may be able to guilt them into reconsidering.(Unlikely, given what he has said about a new family).

You may also be able to guilt him into providing more resources for your son’s mental health now. See if you can find a private therapist to help your son work through his feeling about abandonment. With his dickhead dad to foot the bill. I wouldn’t even bother trying NHS services at the moment. You need help now.

Contact CMS and get that formalized asap so that it can be enforced overseas.

Some (sort of) good news if they move - the cost of living in Australia is very high at the moment. He won’t be out of work for long.

They will be required to file tax returns every year as the tax system is different in Australia to the UK. I’ve been told that unpaid child support can really screw up your tax return. I know it is anecdotal but …. a friend of mine had the deadbeat dad of her children pay two years of child support arrears (in a payment plan over three years in addition to child support due) when he eventually filed his very late tax returns. Of course, he was also hit by tax penalties.

He cannot get permanent residency if he doesn’t have current and correct tax returns. Or owes any money to the government.

There is not doubt your ex is a terrible father for even considering this but please be reassured he can still be made to support his son financially even if he doesn’t support him emotionally.

Plenty of time to think about the wedding. If you cancel fhe day before that’s your prerogative. Plus it is weird that the house is for sale now, are they even still planning to be in the country? The only way I would take ds to Australia is if ex paid for flights and accommodation for me but I don’t even know if I’d do that for a man who wasn’t paying child support.

Ha yes, I’m in oz and that certainly doesn’t describe our nice comfortable leafy area full of good schools.

Wow that is awful!!! You are definitely not being unreasonable.