AIBU - ex husband immigrating and abandoning our son

[howsweet]

Im ready for a mixed bag of opinions here

me and exh have been separated for 7 years - we have an 8 year old ds

Exh has told me that he plans to immigrate to Australia with his fiancé and their two children.

On Sunday when ds came back from his dads upset and he told me their house now has a for sale sign outside so I text me exh to ask outright what’s going on and he told me they’re immigrating. First I’ve heard of it! He said he has to think of his ‘new family’ (his exact words) and giving his two younger children a better life!!
AIBU to be fuming ? Especially as my son is distraught ? I mean they haven’t even invited him to go with them (not that I’d let him go) but that’s not the point to me! My son sees his dad for a full weekend every other weekend and always has done, and goes for tea every Wednesday night. I’m just devestated for my son.

I asked where they’re up to in the application process and my exh wasn’t for giving me any info at all, he just said they are getting married then going… house is already up for sale, my ds can’t even be included as they are going on his fiancées visa - she is a teacher and so my exh and their two kids will go dependent on her visa , apparently my son can’t as she isn’t his mother, is this true or a cop out? He also said he isn’t sure if he can send me maintenance anymore as he will be staying out of work for a while to gets the kids sorted and she will be going straight into a teaching job! Can I stop them going? Where do I stand legally? I’m not arsed he’s got a new family or they will have a new life in Australia all I care about is my poor son not seeing his dad anymore and my ex thinking he can fuck off to the other side of the world, abandon our son and not bleeping pay for him!!

never could I move to the other side of the world without my son! I’m worried about the emotional damage this is going to cause

AIBU??? Please be honest!

To repeat,......it is not his house! The house belongs totally to the fiance. The OP has no call on the money from the sale

and playing devils advocate..........if he did not move to Australia and his fiance did, he would effectively be abandoning TWO children.

He could stop his children from being taken to Australia!

He CAN make a fresh start. And he is doing so. No point in saying ' he can't make a fresh start.' Because he is. And there is nothing the OP can do to prevent him abandoning his son and his financial responsibilities. Nothing. Fact. The Op needs to abandon the son on his doorstep. This might be painful. But it may well not be. She will never have to worry about thinking the boy is in a care home or fostered. (which is her other option - she can give him up for adoption. See if the father wants to prevent this...and if not then choose her new life for herself anyway. Let it all go!) He will be with his natural father who will take care of him. Painful yes. Impossible? No.

Radical unparenting. That's it.

Or he could fight to not have his partner leave the country with his children.

Your poor ds to find out like he did. At the very least I'd have expected your ex to forewarn you and plan on how to tell ds. Not to just print it on him and him seeing a for sale sign on the house

Possibly a bit of a stretch at this very moment, but please also pay attention to getting your son his own passport now & keeping it safely with you. This cuts down any risk of your Ex applying as father for a passport for your son.

It is good to hear that there are well established protocols in place to ensure that your Ex, intentionally or not, does not skip payments due to your son.

Please make sure that you follow through on this.
From experience a near rellie bounced off to Aus leaving his young kids here & never paid another penny due, he threw the kids into near poverty leaving the UK benefits system to cover his legal & moral obligations. Yet somehow expected to bask in the affection of the kids he callously abandoned.

Terrible behavior. End to relationship with his son and hadn’t even planned how to tell him or forewarned you. Sad for your son. You can’t stop him. Not sure about finances.

@MumonabikeE5

She wouldn’t be torpedoing his plans, though, he’d have torpedoed them himself if he lied on his application, wouldn’t he?

Anyway, she needs to get her claim into CMS, that’s the urgent matter right now.

You need to stay calm and realistic OP. You haven't been together for a long time. I know it's a low blow but unfortunately men do as they please!

Don't loose sight of what is most important here. Regular payments to maintain for your DS. I would be negotiating rather than arguing your ex paying and footing the bill for your DS to fly to Australia in the school holidays every single year. Your poor DS!

Even if it were his house, she’s got no grounds. He doesn’t owe a debt she’s trying to claim, he’s quite legally going to be unable to pay maintenance if he’s unemployed.

Terrible advice. OP hasn't been with this man for years and if you read carefully he currently does the bare minimum.

Are you on glue? What utterly shit ‘advice.’

I wouldn't be allowing my child to fly anywhere! I cannot imagine the damage it would cause for a child to see daddy playing happy families Down Under, basking in sunshine, possibly snorkeling and watersports (Australians are known for their outdoor activities) outside pool, beach..and then after a couple weeks it's off again to the airport...bye bye, I'm staying here with my Commitment Family...enjoy a nearly 24hr flight back alone as a minor on a plane where seats are filled with mums and dads sitting cosily next to their children, whilst you go back to UK, dad less.

No I wouldn't put my son through that.

I'm so sorry your son is going through this. It's beyond me how he could do this.

Is it possible she has made up her mind to go to Australia with their 2 kids and given your ex an ultimatum? Could he be too embarrassed by all this to tell you the truth or what's she's decided for them (and their kids)? Or not know how to communicate it to either of you?
None of this makes it right for your son of course regardless. It just seems like an odd thing for him to decide to do given he seems to have been invested in your son's life up to this point (unless I've misunderstood).

InterIgnis · Today 20:18
gardenmusic · Today 19:38
FloofPaws · Today 19:36
I'd be seeking legal advice - maybe he can pay you from the sale of the house all maintenance in advance of 18th birthday?

I hoped so, but unfortunately it's her house, so no.
Even if it were his house, she’s got no grounds. He doesn’t owe a debt she’s trying to claim, he’s quite legally going to be unable to pay maintenance if he’s unemployed.

Regarding the house, irrelevant, as it's hers, but yes, she could have applied to the court for a payment and this has been granted before. Irrelevant here, though.
He is going to be unemployed, and that is his choice, so important that she gets a claim in now, so that when he is working, there is some chance of getting paid.

Is it possible she has made up her mind to go to Australia with their 2 kids and given your ex an ultimatum? Could he be too embarrassed by all this to tell you the truth or what's she's decided for them (and their kids)? Or not know how to communicate it to either of you?

SHE CANNOT! He has to agree, She cannot just take his children to Australia.
He has agreed.

I hope you will think more pragmatically once you've had time to calm down.
New wife bacmshing and wondering how you can have a share of her house sale isn't going to help either. But the exh needs to figure out how he will support his son. "I'm not paying" is just not good enough.

I hope you will think more pragmatically once you've had time to calm down

Pragmatically, How is the child getting to Australia to visit Daddy dearest? Who is paying the not inconsiderable fare? It may genuinely be out of OP's reach, and Daddy has no money, or he'd be paying maintenance. Of course...
Do airlines even do unaccompanied child trips to Australia?
Here's an idea, Mum can pay his fare, her fare, stay in a hotel out of the way to facilitate Dad's access, then bring her son home. Of course.
Let's be sodding pragmatic.

It is heart breaking for your son I hope he has a plan in place to minimise it for him, I’m so sorry for you and him x

An Australian upthread said that these visas are generally used to recruit teachers for areas that are difficult to staff.

It would be funny if they end up in the back end of nowhere with lousy weather, and thoroughly dislike it. 😈

That's awful advice. A child is not a porn in a game. He already has the fact his Dad is leaving him to get his head around, how is his Mum doing the same going to help him.

OP you have my deepest sympathy. My ex has just done the same thing and emigrated to South Africa, abandoning his son. Makes my blood boil - my poor son can't understand it as he is just 3.

Have you been drinking?
OP loves her son, she doesn't want to abandon him.

In your position OP, I'd seek legal advice re trying to ensure that ExH still pays some maintenance, but you can't stop him from leaving. Also seek advice re what single parent benefits you are entitled to.
Maybe you could focus on building DS's relationships with other male relatives such as your Dad and any brothers/cousins, so that he has decent male role models growing up. I disagree with those who have told you to cut ties with ExH's family, presumably the bastards parents are not to blame for this and the poor sods stand to lose 3 grandchildren.

I'm so sorry you are in this position.