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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - ex husband immigrating and abandoning our son

623 replies

howsweet · 04/07/2024 16:01

Im ready for a mixed bag of opinions here

me and exh have been separated for 7 years - we have an 8 year old ds

Exh has told me that he plans to immigrate to Australia with his fiancé and their two children.

On Sunday when ds came back from his dads upset and he told me their house now has a for sale sign outside so I text me exh to ask outright what’s going on and he told me they’re immigrating. First I’ve heard of it! He said he has to think of his ‘new family’ (his exact words) and giving his two younger children a better life!!
AIBU to be fuming ? Especially as my son is distraught ? I mean they haven’t even invited him to go with them (not that I’d let him go) but that’s not the point to me! My son sees his dad for a full weekend every other weekend and always has done, and goes for tea every Wednesday night. I’m just devestated for my son.

I asked where they’re up to in the application process and my exh wasn’t for giving me any info at all, he just said they are getting married then going… house is already up for sale, my ds can’t even be included as they are going on his fiancées visa - she is a teacher and so my exh and their two kids will go dependent on her visa , apparently my son can’t as she isn’t his mother, is this true or a cop out? He also said he isn’t sure if he can send me maintenance anymore as he will be staying out of work for a while to gets the kids sorted and she will be going straight into a teaching job! Can I stop them going? Where do I stand legally? I’m not arsed he’s got a new family or they will have a new life in Australia all I care about is my poor son not seeing his dad anymore and my ex thinking he can fuck off to the other side of the world, abandon our son and not bleeping pay for him!!

never could I move to the other side of the world without my son! I’m worried about the emotional damage this is going to cause

AIBU??? Please be honest!

OP posts:
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9
gardenmusic · 05/07/2024 19:20

Even so, still absolutely zero need to react to the financial aspect this much. Yes money may be tight whilst your ex adjusts to his new life but you have presented him as being very consistent in previous financial aspects which suggests once on his feet he will provide this again.

Another male apologist.
He has already said that he 'may not' pay up. There is no suggestion that he will pay if he is miles away. OP will have to fill the gap.
Why do men think that supporting their child is optional? and why do women support this?

Viviennemary · 05/07/2024 19:21

I feel a lot of sympathy for you. But he has decided to move on to a new life. It must be devastating for your child. But I an see it from your ex's point of view wanting to make a fresh start.

TeaMistress · 05/07/2024 19:22

Viviennemary · 05/07/2024 19:21

I feel a lot of sympathy for you. But he has decided to move on to a new life. It must be devastating for your child. But I an see it from your ex's point of view wanting to make a fresh start.

Another apologist for deadbeat men who think its acceptable to walk away from providing fairly for their children...vile

VeryUnlikely · 05/07/2024 19:23

TeaMistress · 05/07/2024 19:19

The OPs ex is planning to bugger off to Australia with his new wife and other kids without a backward glance to the son he is leaving behind or any indication on how he plans on paying any maintenance for his child.

Somehow you think the OP is being unreasonable for expecting that this man should continue to contribute towards his sons upbringing....just because he has married again doesn't give him the right to opt out of his sons life or out of paying maintenance and the OP quite rightly is worried about the financial difficulty his decisions are going to cause her and her son.

Show quote history

Yes, it's unfair. But perfectly legal. Remo agreements exist but not with exery country and it's nigh on IMPOSSIBLE to get a remo country to force a father to pay. The father can say he earns nothing for ever and ever. TheUK govt can't force maintenance from fathers who live two streets away let alone in another country. The OP needs to be part of the Radical Parenting movement, where if they up and leave, leaving the kid with the mother with no support or visitation, she has the right to leave the child with the father and walk.

Viviennemary · 05/07/2024 19:24

TeaMistress · 05/07/2024 19:22

Another apologist for deadbeat men who think its acceptable to walk away from providing fairly for their children...vile

Show quote history

Some of the hatred and bitterness towards men on here is off the scale.

VeryUnlikely · 05/07/2024 19:25

Viviennemary · 05/07/2024 19:21

I feel a lot of sympathy for you. But he has decided to move on to a new life. It must be devastating for your child. But I an see it from your ex's point of view wanting to make a fresh start.

Vivienne is a man.

Viviennemary · 05/07/2024 19:27

VeryUnlikely · 05/07/2024 19:25

Vivienne is a man.

Show quote history

So glad I'm not.

Cherry85 · 05/07/2024 19:27

howsweet · 05/07/2024 14:44

whats funny is my parents aren’t shocked at all about all of this. On Monday evenings they take ds to his swimming for me as I work till 7pm on Mondays. Exh fiancée is always there with her two children as they have lessons in the younger groups just before so they sometimes cross paths coming out of the changing rooms. My mum has always said she’s a bit funny with ds and doesn’t encourage her kids to talk to him, and if they do, she hurries them off. Even though they are trying to speak to their big brother??? My parents have tried make conversation with her and the children but she is dismissive so my parents don’t bother now. I always put it down to her being a bit stressed and rushed after the kids lesson and getting them dressed etc but I’m wondering now how she really feels about my ds?

I have asked ds about her in the past and he says she’s ok, but that’s all he says. On the weekends that he’s at his dads, his school uniform always comes back washed, ironed and folded. Ds told me that she does this. she also listens to him
read and will sign his reading record? so these things tell me that maybe she has some care towards him?? I don’t know. My Parents are firmly saying that at the end of the day, she isn’t his mum, it’s his Dad who should be arsed about him and if she wants to move to Australia she can, but my exh has a choice and he is choosing to leave ds behind! I just want to be careful I’m not totally bashing her , when ultimately exh is the one who’s going to break my sons heart

Again, playing devil's advocate - your ex could be in a tricky situation here. He has one kid with you and two with her..... they aren't married yet. If she says she is taking her two kids to oz then what is he to do? Its a bit of a shit show!

TeaMistress · 05/07/2024 19:27

Viviennemary · 05/07/2024 19:24

Some of the hatred and bitterness towards men on here is off the scale.

Show quote history

I'm not being hateful or bitter for expecting men to provide for their children. Its not OK for parents to walk away from their ex wives/ partners and abdicate responsibility for raising children. It's a matter of basic decency and good parenting that you don't abandon your children or leave ex partners struggling to afford to raise your children. Men who do this are deadbeat pond scum and anyone who thinks it's OK to do this should have a word with themselves,

InterIgnis · 05/07/2024 19:28

RippleEffects · 05/07/2024 19:00

Australia has a reciprocal child maintenance enforcement agreement with the UK
https://www.gov.uk/government/publications/countries-where-you-can-enforce-child-maintenance-decisions

Not a legal opinion but it would appear their powers of enforcement are more widely used than ours too.

Honestly I think this is about more than the money. I think that it would be worth having a mediation session between you, him and his fiancé.

Get all the issues down on paper and table in advance the areas for concern.

Money is one of them and a lump sum agreement from the house sale would be a clean break option or a court order and pursuing through international channels the alternative. He needs to realise opting out isn't an option.

Wouldn't the ideal solution be a situation where your DS still had an ongoing relationship - maybe his dad visits UK and rents a place for a while once in a while and when DS is a little older pays for him to go out for breaks (or are there wider family who he could visit with sooner)

She’s not going to get anything from the sale of his partner’s house. If he’s not employed there’s no maintenance to pay, legally.

gardenmusic · 05/07/2024 19:28

VeryUnlikely
Quite. Very unlikely.

MumonabikeE5 · 05/07/2024 19:30

BruFord · 04/07/2024 16:51

I’d be sorely tempted to do as @Ozanj says and see what they say. My personal experience of applying for visas is that you need to be squeaky clean and declare all your dependents/financial obligations on your application.

If he’s omitted your DS and his obligation to pay child support from his application, it won’t be viewed kindly.

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Can you imagine how toxic the co parent relationship would become if she torpedoed his emigration plans.

I think it’s a horrid thing for the father and step mother to do, but I can’t see how the relationship can survive this, even if it did result in them staying in UK

Fiddlybells · 05/07/2024 19:30

What a useless arsehole of a dad your ex is. Feeling very sorry for your son...

VeryUnlikely · 05/07/2024 19:32

Radical Parenting is the wrong phrase. It already exists as a phenomenon and isn't what I am aiming for at all. More knob me. I will come up with a new slogan. But this is SUCH an important subject and idea. Women 'left holding the baby' is as old as the hills. In a modern society there is zero place for it. I'm not talking about women who are bereaved, I am talking specifixcally about women who's children's father abandon them financially, emotionally and physically. There are thousands of children who have this influicted on them. This is about the child's right to a parent.

Nickinoo22 · 05/07/2024 19:33

My daughter's father did exactly the same to her apart from the fact he never even told her he was going. It is devastating for the children and you are left to pick up the pieces. All I can say is you will both get through this ,your bond will be stronger for it and your ds will come to realise what his father is truly like .

TennisLady · 05/07/2024 19:35

Viviennemary · 05/07/2024 19:21

I feel a lot of sympathy for you. But he has decided to move on to a new life. It must be devastating for your child. But I an see it from your ex's point of view wanting to make a fresh start.

What on earth… a fresh start by abandoning a child?!

gardenmusic · 05/07/2024 19:36

Can you imagine how toxic the co parent relationship would become if she torpedoed his emigration plans.
I think it’s a horrid thing for the father and step mother to do, but I can’t see how the relationship can survive this, even if it did result in them staying in UK

How do you think it will survive with him in Australia?
The fact that he can even contemplate this is awful. The fact that he is actually planning his exit says 'relationship over'.
I don't think OP can torpedo his plans, but she can do her best to make him maintain his son, and if the upshot is difficulty in going, so be it.

FloofPaws · 05/07/2024 19:36

I'd be seeking legal advice - maybe he can pay you from the sale of the house all maintenance in advance of 18th birthday?

gardenmusic · 05/07/2024 19:38

TennisLady · Today 19:35
Viviennemary · Today 19:21
I feel a lot of sympathy for you. But he has decided to move on to a new life. It must be devastating for your child. But I an see it from your ex's point of view wanting to make a fresh start.
What on earth… a fresh start by abandoning a child?!

Before anyone gets hung up on this, read Viviennemary's posts. Always. Every time. Just ignore.

gardenmusic · 05/07/2024 19:38

FloofPaws · Today 19:36
I'd be seeking legal advice - maybe he can pay you from the sale of the house all maintenance in advance of 18th birthday?

I hoped so, but unfortunately it's her house, so no.

Lampzade · 05/07/2024 19:45

What a POS
I wish your ex every misery when he gets to Australia.

Havana2345 · 05/07/2024 19:49

You're not being unreasonable but unfortunately you can't stop them.

My own personal view is I don't understand how he could do that. It's his boy! Would you have expected this from him? Is it out of character? Maybe there's something going on? Trying to play devil's advocate. This said, no way on earth would anyone separate me from my children, "new family" or not. Gosh, the thought makes my stomach turn.

He would have to pay CM when he is working. It's called REMO and you can get it enforced: https://www.gov.uk/government/publications/countries-where-you-can-enforce-child-maintenance-decisions

Sorry your little boy is going through this, little chap. Sending him a virtual hug.

Countries where you can enforce child maintenance decisions

List of countries where parents can apply to enforce or change a child maintenance decision made in UK courts.

https://www.gov.uk/government/publications/countries-where-you-can-enforce-child-maintenance-decisions

Deebee90 · 05/07/2024 19:50

Viviennemary · 05/07/2024 19:21

I feel a lot of sympathy for you. But he has decided to move on to a new life. It must be devastating for your child. But I an see it from your ex's point of view wanting to make a fresh start.

He can’t make a fresh start when he has a child here. He is an absolutely disgusting excuse of a man to even contemplate it. He has a child , he doesn’t get to swan away with a new family. And if he does frankly he doesn’t deserve any children.

needacorset · 05/07/2024 19:55

😭
Big hug to you and your son...

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