Page 13 | AIBU - ex husband immigrating and abandoning our son

BruFord · 05/07/2024 17:37

InterIgnis · 05/07/2024 17:10

Your wanting to believe it will put pressure on him doesn’t mean it will.

He can dismiss whatever she says with a simple ‘no’, or with some ‘we’ll see when the time comes’ non committal answer he’s in no way going to be bound by. Encouraging her to tell him what he ‘will’ be doing is likely going to end up with her feeling even more frustrated and powerless when he doesn’t kowtow in shame and guilt as you imagine he will, and when it’s pointed out that she is in no position to be force him to comply.

He’s already been dismissive towards her when she asked him questions, treating her as basically an irritant that he’s not particularly interested in engaging with. What I would personally advise her to do is to try and keep emotion out of her conversation with him as much as she can, find out what she can in regards to his plans, and focus her mental energy on supporting herself and her son. She ‘should’ focus on what she can control, not what she can’t.

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You’re right that she can only control so much, @InterIgnis

One positive piece of news is that they’re not getting married until next May. So, the OP can apply through CMS ASAP and make his payments official. That may help her down the line if he eventually starts working in Australia-no guarantees, of course, but it’s worth doing.

Do you have a good relationship with any other family members on his side, OP, grandparents, for example? It would be nice for your DS if some family still take an interest in him.

Wtfmothernature · 05/07/2024 17:42

howsweet · 04/07/2024 20:17

I’m totally overwhelmed by all your supportive responses. I thought I was going to get the old ‘jealous of the new wife & kids’ rubbish!

I have text him and told him we need a meeting pretty soon.

I want to know exactly how he plans to maintain his relationship with ds and how often he plans on seeing him? In my opinion it’s exh who needs to do all the leg work in terms of making sure ds can go over to visit/ exh coming back to the uk for visits. I want to know how on earth he plans on providing for his oldest child from the other side of the world if he’s not going to be working? we have an unofficial agreement - he has never once missed a payment. So this bewilders me how he’s gone from paying from his child to him then telling me he won’t be doing. By the time they move, they will be married, am I able to claim CSA of her wage? Or not as she isn’t legally responsible for providing for ds? I’ve no Idea the Legal obligation of a step parent, can anyone shed light?

as far as I know, the house was hers before they got together, he then gave up his rental and moved in with her. I don’t know if he is on the mortgage now, but he can’t have been originally. Where do I stand trying to get a cut of their house sale? I need to make sure I can give my son a quality of life and a roof over his head, food, warmth, everything else my dick head ex husband is going to neglect!

i was feeling sorry for you and thought you were being reasonable until you said about claiming off her wage. That’s nothing to do with you.

sparkymummy2 · 05/07/2024 17:50

What a dreadful man he sounds You are absolutely right to be heartbroken for your child. Get advice on the maintenance issue but agree you should meet with him to discuss the long term emotional impact this will have on your son, if he doesn’t step up then it confirms that he is a complete shit. As a teacher, I have seen children caught in the crossfire between parents in situations like this and they always realise which parent has been in the wrong, when they are old enough to understand. So focus on supporting your little boy and resist the temptation to try to avoid his relatives (if he has any) as your son needs all the love he can get and he will thank you for it when he’s older. And his relatives are probably as horrified and devastated at his behaviour as you are. Good luck on whatever lies ahead, continue being such a lovely mum.

TeaMistress · 05/07/2024 17:53

Wtfmothernature · 05/07/2024 17:42

i was feeling sorry for you and thought you were being reasonable until you said about claiming off her wage. That’s nothing to do with you.

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The new wife may not have a financial obligation towards her stepson but she would need to be a cold-hearted bitch to decide to emigrate to Australia with a man that she knows is walking away from his small child and refusing to pay any maintenance. The OP may not have any claim in house proceeds but she should immediately formalise maintenance arrangements by putting in a CMS claim and then pursuing REMO.

AtlanticMum · 05/07/2024 17:54

Best of luck OP on your call. It’s a very difficult situation - but exH does sound to be either a complete b***d - or else completely weak. The fiancé sounds cold and calculating. It doesn’t sound to me as though the plan can/will change. But at least the collective call will give you the context to it. Ultimately - your DS is the one losing out here and at a very tender age. You sound very sensible and balanced. I wish you all the very best in navigating the next steps for you and for DS.

MustWeDoThis · 05/07/2024 18:05

howsweet · 04/07/2024 16:01

Im ready for a mixed bag of opinions here

me and exh have been separated for 7 years - we have an 8 year old ds

Exh has told me that he plans to immigrate to Australia with his fiancé and their two children.

On Sunday when ds came back from his dads upset and he told me their house now has a for sale sign outside so I text me exh to ask outright what’s going on and he told me they’re immigrating. First I’ve heard of it! He said he has to think of his ‘new family’ (his exact words) and giving his two younger children a better life!!
AIBU to be fuming ? Especially as my son is distraught ? I mean they haven’t even invited him to go with them (not that I’d let him go) but that’s not the point to me! My son sees his dad for a full weekend every other weekend and always has done, and goes for tea every Wednesday night. I’m just devestated for my son.

I asked where they’re up to in the application process and my exh wasn’t for giving me any info at all, he just said they are getting married then going… house is already up for sale, my ds can’t even be included as they are going on his fiancées visa - she is a teacher and so my exh and their two kids will go dependent on her visa , apparently my son can’t as she isn’t his mother, is this true or a cop out? He also said he isn’t sure if he can send me maintenance anymore as he will be staying out of work for a while to gets the kids sorted and she will be going straight into a teaching job! Can I stop them going? Where do I stand legally? I’m not arsed he’s got a new family or they will have a new life in Australia all I care about is my poor son not seeing his dad anymore and my ex thinking he can fuck off to the other side of the world, abandon our son and not bleeping pay for him!!

never could I move to the other side of the world without my son! I’m worried about the emotional damage this is going to cause

AIBU??? Please be honest!

Actually! You can take his partners income as maintenance. Call Child Maintenance straight away!

Blades2 · 05/07/2024 18:08

My ex does this monthly with whichever new woman he has on the go. We have two SEN kids.
Start of the month it was Spain, this month it’s franxe

InterIgnis · 05/07/2024 18:14

MustWeDoThis · 05/07/2024 18:05

Actually! You can take his partners income as maintenance. Call Child Maintenance straight away!

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No, she can’t.

Mumofyellows · 05/07/2024 18:24

No advice really but my ex husband also emigrated to Australia with his new partner and left our daughter who was 13. Unfortunately his new partner was pretty vile to my daughter and it soured the relationship so she's never visited them, he came back to see her once when she was 16. She's now 21 and their relationship is very strained. He will regret it in the long run, he is the one who will be losing out on your kids!

BlueFlowers5 · 05/07/2024 18:28

Please get legal advice on whether you you can apply to access any of the capital from the sale of his house, for you son, before he goes abroad.

Efrogwraig · 05/07/2024 18:32

a. Get legal advice immediately.
b. Write a letter to your ex laying out concerns for his relationship with his son. Ask for a response.
c. Speak to your ex-in laws to ask about maintaining contact.
d. Let your son's school know so that they are prepared for out of character behaviour.

BruFord · 05/07/2024 18:35

BlueFlowers5 · 05/07/2024 18:28

Please get legal advice on whether you you can apply to access any of the capital from the sale of his house, for you son, before he goes abroad.

@BlueFlowers5 The house belongs to his fiancée and they seem determined to leave his son out of their new family. What a nasty pair.

montelbano · 05/07/2024 18:37

BlueFlowers5 · 05/07/2024 18:28

Please get legal advice on whether you you can apply to access any of the capital from the sale of his house, for you son, before he goes abroad.

It is her house and she was living there before they got together. They are unmarried. OP has no call on the proceeds of the sale

gardenmusic · 05/07/2024 18:40

If the house is hers, there is no access to the equity in lieu of maintenance for your son.
You need to make the maintenance official and very quickly. Do not tell him you are doing this, or he may give up work sooner.

VeryUnlikely · 05/07/2024 18:41

This is very sad. But yet a trillionth another example of the need for a total change in the law, and an uprising by abandoned women left holding the baby.

You need to be a Radical Parent. You leave your son on his father's doorstep with a packed bag and a note saying do not ever contact me again.

Iamgettingolderandgrumpier · 05/07/2024 18:41

pikkumyy77 · 04/07/2024 16:21

Yes: I agree with everyone else. Don’t accept “Im not paying maintenance.” See what rights you have with respect to Australian-UK agreements. They are going to have a nice lump sum when they sell the house: is there anyway you can demand a lump sum payout now from the proceeds in exchange for not filing troublesome paperwork with australia that might gum uo her visa application.?

I would speak to a solicitor and see if lump sum can be demanded out of this (as suggested above.) If I were your ds, I would work hard to make my life a success just to spite the sd. What a bast*rd! I hope the girlfriend is on MN and reads these comments. If he’s done it once, he can do it again.

BruFord · 05/07/2024 18:45

gardenmusic · 05/07/2024 18:40

If the house is hers, there is no access to the equity in lieu of maintenance for your son.
You need to make the maintenance official and very quickly. Do not tell him you are doing this, or he may give up work sooner.

@gardenmusic I agree, the OP must definitely contact CMS on the quiet and get things started.

vickylou78 · 05/07/2024 18:49

Get legal advice about getting the maintenance court ordered etc. do it quick before he goes to Australia

AvidLurker · 05/07/2024 18:58

Wow, I understand this is up setting and wouldn’t immediately jump to the conclusion of you being jealous of his new partner and kids etc., but what planet do you live on to even consider the prospect of being entitled to money from the sale of a womans house who has absolutely zero blood or legal ties to you?! You said she owned it, they aren’t even married yet, and even when they are married does not mean automatic ownership to your ex.

I have the exact same view on you expecting child maintenance from HER wage!

You are your son’s Mum, yes he is devastated and this be a long period of grief for him, how that will look will not be known until the actual move. However, reading your posts you appear much more concerned with the financial aspect of your ex moving. Are you panicking about losing the weekends where you perhaps work? Even so, still absolutely zero need to react to the financial aspect this much. Yes money may be tight whilst your ex adjusts to his new life but you have presented him as being very consistent in previous financial aspects which suggests once on his feet he will provide this again. The world is full of single parents, whether it be through death, separation, choice, those single parents may worry about finances but survive.

In regards to stopping him leaving, what do you think that will achieve? (You have no legal justification for that btw) If he stayed, continued EOW visits, likely developing a sense of resentmen. Worst case scenario, he loses contact with his son, you cannot force a relationship, your son will recognise the forced relationship and that will be the lasting trauma.

I suspect this wasn’t discussed with you this early on as they suspected this would be the reaction. They don’t need to discuss every detail with you until they are certain, and I’m be cautious that your current reaction doesn’t break the relationship with your son prematurely.

RippleEffects · 05/07/2024 19:00

Australia has a reciprocal child maintenance enforcement agreement with the UK
https://www.gov.uk/government/publications/countries-where-you-can-enforce-child-maintenance-decisions

Not a legal opinion but it would appear their powers of enforcement are more widely used than ours too.

Honestly I think this is about more than the money. I think that it would be worth having a mediation session between you, him and his fiancé.

Get all the issues down on paper and table in advance the areas for concern.

Money is one of them and a lump sum agreement from the house sale would be a clean break option or a court order and pursuing through international channels the alternative. He needs to realise opting out isn't an option.

Wouldn't the ideal solution be a situation where your DS still had an ongoing relationship - maybe his dad visits UK and rents a place for a while once in a while and when DS is a little older pays for him to go out for breaks (or are there wider family who he could visit with sooner)

Countries where you can enforce child maintenance decisions

List of countries where parents can apply to enforce or change a child maintenance decision made in UK courts.

https://www.gov.uk/government/publications/countries-where-you-can-enforce-child-maintenance-decisions

Floppyelf · 05/07/2024 19:02

Ozanj · 04/07/2024 16:41

My piece of shit cousin recently lost his right to remain for doing something similar. The Child Maintenance was court ordered, he sold his house, then used the proceeds to go to Australia with his new wife.

He got an enforcement order and it was applied shockingly quickly (literally only within 6 months) as the wife was a government employee. The courts there offered to either terminate his visa (so he had to leave immediately) or he paid mainenance in full for the 15 years left. He chose the latter. But he lose his right to remain too and couldn’t get it back until a UK court confirmed the payment was settled. He lived somewhere in Asia for a few months while that happened.

It wasn’t much per month but his ex got a lump sum worth £70kish which she was able to use towards a deposit for a bigger house for them.

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quoting this

BruFord · 05/07/2024 19:03

Even so, still absolutely zero need to react to the financial aspect this much. Yes money may be tight whilst your ex adjusts to his new life but you have presented him as being very consistent in previous financial aspects which suggests once on his feet he will provide this again.

@AvidLurker Of course she’s worried about the financial aspect, because presumably she needs his maintenance for her son.

It’s pretty clear that he’s emotionally abandoning his son so why wouldn’t the OP assume that he won’t financially abandoning him as well?

VeryUnlikely · 05/07/2024 19:15

I repeat. Radical Parenting. Email the father and text him, to say that you are leaving your son under his permanent care at this time, this date and this place (outside his house/place of work) and walk away.

VeryUnlikely · 05/07/2024 19:18

You will be doing nothing illegal. You will just be leaving your joint child in the safe custody - with notice - of his other primary carer. His father. Who has PR and 50% responsibility for this child.

TeaMistress · 05/07/2024 19:19

AvidLurker · 05/07/2024 18:58

Wow, I understand this is up setting and wouldn’t immediately jump to the conclusion of you being jealous of his new partner and kids etc., but what planet do you live on to even consider the prospect of being entitled to money from the sale of a womans house who has absolutely zero blood or legal ties to you?! You said she owned it, they aren’t even married yet, and even when they are married does not mean automatic ownership to your ex.

I have the exact same view on you expecting child maintenance from HER wage!

You are your son’s Mum, yes he is devastated and this be a long period of grief for him, how that will look will not be known until the actual move. However, reading your posts you appear much more concerned with the financial aspect of your ex moving. Are you panicking about losing the weekends where you perhaps work? Even so, still absolutely zero need to react to the financial aspect this much. Yes money may be tight whilst your ex adjusts to his new life but you have presented him as being very consistent in previous financial aspects which suggests once on his feet he will provide this again. The world is full of single parents, whether it be through death, separation, choice, those single parents may worry about finances but survive.

In regards to stopping him leaving, what do you think that will achieve? (You have no legal justification for that btw) If he stayed, continued EOW visits, likely developing a sense of resentmen. Worst case scenario, he loses contact with his son, you cannot force a relationship, your son will recognise the forced relationship and that will be the lasting trauma.

I suspect this wasn’t discussed with you this early on as they suspected this would be the reaction. They don’t need to discuss every detail with you until they are certain, and I’m be cautious that your current reaction doesn’t break the relationship with your son prematurely.

The OPs ex is planning to bugger off to Australia with his new wife and other kids without a backward glance to the son he is leaving behind or any indication on how he plans on paying any maintenance for his child.

Somehow you think the OP is being unreasonable for expecting that this man should continue to contribute towards his sons upbringing....just because he has married again doesn't give him the right to opt out of his sons life or out of paying maintenance and the OP quite rightly is worried about the financial difficulty his decisions are going to cause her and her son.