AIBU - ex husband immigrating and abandoning our son

[howsweet]

Im ready for a mixed bag of opinions here

me and exh have been separated for 7 years - we have an 8 year old ds

Exh has told me that he plans to immigrate to Australia with his fiancé and their two children.

On Sunday when ds came back from his dads upset and he told me their house now has a for sale sign outside so I text me exh to ask outright what’s going on and he told me they’re immigrating. First I’ve heard of it! He said he has to think of his ‘new family’ (his exact words) and giving his two younger children a better life!!
AIBU to be fuming ? Especially as my son is distraught ? I mean they haven’t even invited him to go with them (not that I’d let him go) but that’s not the point to me! My son sees his dad for a full weekend every other weekend and always has done, and goes for tea every Wednesday night. I’m just devestated for my son.

I asked where they’re up to in the application process and my exh wasn’t for giving me any info at all, he just said they are getting married then going… house is already up for sale, my ds can’t even be included as they are going on his fiancées visa - she is a teacher and so my exh and their two kids will go dependent on her visa , apparently my son can’t as she isn’t his mother, is this true or a cop out? He also said he isn’t sure if he can send me maintenance anymore as he will be staying out of work for a while to gets the kids sorted and she will be going straight into a teaching job! Can I stop them going? Where do I stand legally? I’m not arsed he’s got a new family or they will have a new life in Australia all I care about is my poor son not seeing his dad anymore and my ex thinking he can fuck off to the other side of the world, abandon our son and not bleeping pay for him!!

never could I move to the other side of the world without my son! I’m worried about the emotional damage this is going to cause

AIBU??? Please be honest!

She can say it, sure, but what is it going to achieve exactly? Do you really think he would voluntarily sign any ‘record’? Or that it’s within OP’s power to make him?

OP needs to be realistic. Encouraging her to think she can do X, Y, and Z and that he’ll just nod and obey isn’t doing her any favours.

She isn’t Australian she is from the same area as us! They met when ds was about 3 years old and got engaged and had two children. ive no idea if she has any connections there but I don’t think exh does! When we got divorced there was no financial settlement or anything because we didn’t own anything. We just rented a house which I still live in today with ds. Exh moved into another rental. Then he met his current partner and she owned her house already and he moved in with her. I’ve no idea if he is on her mortgage or not. Although if they get married will he automatically own the house with her?
their wedding is booked for May next year. I know this because exh has warned me in advance that over May half term he won’t be able to see ds on his usual weekend as they will be on their honeymoon, makes me wonder now is my ds being excluded from the honeymoon and they’re taking their two shared kids!

Will DS be going to their wedding?

Yes, I know the date of the wedding as it’s an hours drive away and ds will be going for the whole weekend. Exh has bought a suit for him so he is definitely going.

Even though now I feel like not bloody letting him go

What a disgusting a excuse for a father this man is. Frankly, you should be able to stop him, but sadly it only works the other way around, because actually contact does seem to be all about what suits the parent and not the child or parental responsibility.

What do you think she should be doing in the phone call then? I say put forward financial and visiting aspects. Note it down and then send it to him. He might be the type who will deny her ever said what he said.

Got money for a wedding and a honeymoon but none for his DS in advance of him leaving the country and giving not a penny maintenance after?

He's got some front, I'll give him that.

Asking him to explain his plans, presumably. She can write it down, but that doesn’t mean he has to sign or even acknowledge any record she sends. Hell, he can still immediately reply and say he never said any of those things and that she made it all up. Making a note of it all won’t change that.

She can ask about finances and visiting, but she’s not in the position to say ‘you will be making back payments’ or ‘you will be paying for him to visit twice a year’. The cold hard reality is that if he isn’t working he won’t owe child support, and he won’t be accumulating any debt to her during that time. She also can’t make him pay for flights or host his son.

What is in her power is the support she is able to offer her child, and I would say that’s where her focus would be better served. A lot of people are telling OP things they want to be true despite the fact that they aren’t, and telling her to make diktats she has no way of enforcing. I don’t see how that’s helpful to her or her son.

Yet a woman can move the child for the benefit of her and a man has to suck it up.

Bet these answers would be different.

Both he and his fiancé are both a POS;him for willingly abandoning his own child physically and financially and her for facilitating it.

I personally couldn't be with a man who did that to his own child,

The fiancé should remember that he could just as easily do the same to the children they have together.

No, he won’t automatically own the house with her, if she even owns the house any more by the time they marry. She may have protected it, for one. The house is irrelevant though, you aren’t entitled to any proceeds from the sale of it.

No they can’t, you can literally go to court to stop that happening, but please don’t let that stop you from your Poor Menz bullshit.

Obviously but it’s still ok for the op to put him under some pressure.

Awful, awful man. You absolutely can add a stepchild as a dependent on an Australian visa - he just doesn't want to pay for it I assume. Although that's irrelevant really as you obviously don't want your DS going with them anyway.

I fear this is my future too OP - solidarity! My solicitor said to get an official child maintenance order so that if he goes back to Australia and stops paying, when/if he returns home they can back date the arrears. Without the official agreement they won't be able to chase him for it.

I have seen so many men do this that I've come to the conclusion that many many men simply don't love their children. They pretend to once it's convenient, but no one who truly loves their child could drop them like a hot stone once a shiny new opportunity came along. I'm so sorry for your poor boy.

Try to get him to pay a sum out of house sale in advance! Consult a lawyer for the feasibility of it.

But it isn’t putting him under pressure. He could easily respond by just straight up laughing at her, or with a simple no. That isn’t going to help OP, which is my point.

If this woman isn't even Australian and they're not actually married yet how are they so confident that she will get the visa for herself and her kids in the first place and that she'll definitely be able to bring him along? She may well get a skilled worker visa and she's selling HER house so will have capital but your DH is on his own.

I thought she was Australian and bringing him back to her home country.

I grant I'm not an expert on these things but there seem to be plenty of hurdles and I'm not surprised your ex couldn't answer many questions - could well all be pie in the sky.

I'd not panic yet.

So you’re saying she should mention financial stuff or visits? Obviously she has to mention this because these are the points of conflict. She needs answers or discussion or a laugh in her face to know exactly where she stands.

Where did I say that? I said she shouldn’t be telling him that he will be giving her money to make up for the period of time he’s unemployed, or that he will be paying for flights for their son when she has no power to make him do either.

That isn’t the same thing as saying she shouldn’t discuss with him finances or visits, as I’m sure you are aware.

“He said he has to think of his ‘new family’ (his exact words) and giving his two younger children a better life!!”

“He also said he isn’t sure if he can send me maintenance anymore as he will be staying out of work for a while to gets the kids sorted and she will be going straight into a teaching job!”

I just hope I’ve got it wrong OP, but it doesn’t sound like your dear boy will be included in any of their future plans. But in saying that, you say that he’s always worked, paid CM, & seen your child. Which doesn’t seem consistent with him suddenly upping sticks & going off to the other side of the world. Maybe at this time he doesn’t want to make any promises that he can’t keep. Good luck with the phone call!

I didn’t get that meaning. Thanks for explaining. If she could just get him to pay up then fine. I would use the word ‘will’ in the conversation though - you will be paying as now - he will say no. Not that down. Your son will be visiting and you will be paying and he says no and it’s noted. Put the pressure on this scum.

I'm sorry have I misunderstood....your ex is planning to invite your son to his wedding and use him as a happy families prop with his new wife and his other children then is planning on emigrating to Australia without a backward glance and won't be paying maintenance or seeing his son again....I would absolutely be refusing to allow your ex to take his son to his wedding just so he can then abandon him....your poor little boy.

Your wanting to believe it will put pressure on him doesn’t mean it will.

He can dismiss whatever she says with a simple ‘no’, or with some ‘we’ll see when the time comes’ non committal answer he’s in no way going to be bound by. Encouraging her to tell him what he ‘will’ be doing is likely going to end up with her feeling even more frustrated and powerless when he doesn’t kowtow in shame and guilt as you imagine he will, and when it’s pointed out that she is in no position to be force him to comply.

He’s already been dismissive towards her when she asked him questions, treating her as basically an irritant that he’s not particularly interested in engaging with. What I would personally advise her to do is to try and keep emotion out of her conversation with him as much as she can, find out what she can in regards to his plans, and focus her mental energy on supporting herself and her son. She ‘should’ focus on what she can control, not what she can’t.

@howsweet IANAL but I would be getting legal advice PDQ regarding the financial settlement. This wasn’t done when you divorced so I think it can be done now to provide for your DS.