AIBU - ex husband immigrating and abandoning our son

[howsweet]

Im ready for a mixed bag of opinions here

me and exh have been separated for 7 years - we have an 8 year old ds

Exh has told me that he plans to immigrate to Australia with his fiancé and their two children.

On Sunday when ds came back from his dads upset and he told me their house now has a for sale sign outside so I text me exh to ask outright what’s going on and he told me they’re immigrating. First I’ve heard of it! He said he has to think of his ‘new family’ (his exact words) and giving his two younger children a better life!!
AIBU to be fuming ? Especially as my son is distraught ? I mean they haven’t even invited him to go with them (not that I’d let him go) but that’s not the point to me! My son sees his dad for a full weekend every other weekend and always has done, and goes for tea every Wednesday night. I’m just devestated for my son.

I asked where they’re up to in the application process and my exh wasn’t for giving me any info at all, he just said they are getting married then going… house is already up for sale, my ds can’t even be included as they are going on his fiancées visa - she is a teacher and so my exh and their two kids will go dependent on her visa , apparently my son can’t as she isn’t his mother, is this true or a cop out? He also said he isn’t sure if he can send me maintenance anymore as he will be staying out of work for a while to gets the kids sorted and she will be going straight into a teaching job! Can I stop them going? Where do I stand legally? I’m not arsed he’s got a new family or they will have a new life in Australia all I care about is my poor son not seeing his dad anymore and my ex thinking he can fuck off to the other side of the world, abandon our son and not bleeping pay for him!!

never could I move to the other side of the world without my son! I’m worried about the emotional damage this is going to cause

AIBU??? Please be honest!

Your son will definitely need some proper counselling. I was abandoned by my family at a young age - mother and stepfather left me in boarding school and moved abroad and had more children and I didn't see them again until they retired. I ended up with Complex PTSD which has affected me my whole life.
I can't believe your exH could be so selfish. Being abandoned leaves very deep rooted mental health issues.
It's imperative that your DS is able to speak to a professional and understand that it isn't his fault.
A boy especially needs a father figure in his life. Would it have killed your ex to wait until DS was grown up? He has basically abandoned all responsibility.

Considering your update OP, your first priority is to put in a CMS claim and formalise a court ordered contact schedule so this is in place before deadbeat dad leaves for Oz. Not sure how long it takes?

This can hopefully be enforced when he starts work over there too. Contact will then need to be formalised for his new situation before he leaves if that can be done with flights and accompanying adult agreed. One of his family?

School year starts in January in Oz so would assume they’re planning to move around that time hence putting house on market now?

Hopefully deadbeat will be planning to give his DS an amazing Christmas before he goes and not schlepping off across the other side of the world just before that!

I’d tell him that he needs to arrange and pay for therapy for himself and DS to attend together to explore DS’s feelings of abandonment about it over the next few months too. Maybe that might tweak his conscience.

Do you have a financial order in place following your divorce? If not, seek legal advice asap before he moves because that could still be sorted now

If this is the way this man is going to play things might it not be better if he stays away completely?
Or do you think he might see sense & think about his son's wellbeing?

Unfortunately she has nothing legally to do with.your son.you can't expect money from her house sale or maintenance. Sorry but it's yours and ex husband's problem not hers and I think he is awful but if he can't work because of visa that's it you can't have what he doesn't have have hopefully he will at least facetime your son often and maybe take him over every year for a holiday not much i know but legally thats the best you may get x

@howsweet kids often lose out when relationships break down :( hugs to your son.

Your ex, though, is right about making a life for his family, he can't take your DS ( and you wouldnt want him to, but your DS can visit and there's video calling. I know its not the same but there are ways to keep in touch. And they may hate it and need to come home, though I would have srayed in Aus given half a chance after I worked out there.

Ref maintenance payments, that's shitty! He needs to continue to support his DS. Pls argue this out with him. He could give you several months money from tge sale of the house to keep you going whilst he finds a job and he will find a job.

I hope you're OK too.

Another topic for discussion/ research is parental responsibility. I assume both you and your ex need to be able to sign off on certain things like passport applications, travel abroad, school applications and medical treatment. That would be difficult if he's on the other side of the world.

Also, if he does commit to flying your son over there for visits, make sure to research how airlines handle unaccompanied minors and whether your son can cope with that process. It's generally very well organized but Australia is not a direct flight so there is the risk of issues/ delays with the connecting flight that your son would have to cope with. The airline staff are great but it's a lot for a young kid to deal with alone.

You need to put in a CMS claim now. I’m in Australia and we have a reciprocal agreement with UK for this.

However, if he is here and doesn’t work, or doesn’t earn over a threshold then he won’t have to pay. It also is not based on her pay, it will only be based on his pay so she could earn millions (theoretically, I know it’s not the case in reality), and he earn nothing or not much and not have to pay a penny.

How did he get approval to move to Australia when they are not married yet? I see he is on her visa but is this actually possible at the moment? He’s not her dependent until they are married and they are not married yet. I don’t know the system in Australia so these questions might be off the mark. One to check up on. Definitely inform the future wife’s family that her future husband is abandoning his eldest son in all this process to quit the country. Let them know what a loser he is. There will be questions asked about him for sure. What type of man abandons his child that he has had contact with weekly and supports now? Answer is a total scumbag. Let the family now what this woman is marrying. Also she is trash too for planning the move with no consideration to her partners child. Let’s hope she meets someone else in Australia and his kids with her stay there.

Yes it's possible. They don't have to be married to move.

@ButterCrackers Australia recognises defacto partnerships. You do not have to be married to be considered a recognized couple or family unit. There are both benefits and drawbacks to this.

Thanks for knowing this. Good to point out.

Australia recognises de facto relationships of three or more years, or two or more years with a child.

I imagine her family always knows tbh. Whether they take issue or not is unlikely to change anything in any case.

It would be very hard to live in Australia with only a teacher's salary.

However, if they need childcare, they won't be able to get any government rebate and it may be cheaper for him not to work and stay home taking care of the children. If they are school age, then it's much cheaper and he would go back to work.

My 18 and 20 year olds have really valued their dad’s input and contact, support and help as they navigated university life. Practically and emotionally. Despite being adults.

All you can do is tell him the truth. ‘It takes a really shitty dad to do this to your child. His whole life long he will remember how this felt, and that’s with having no knowledge that you’ve also cut him off financially. My only hope is that remembering this feeling makes him a great dad himself. If you think you can be a decent dad and do this then you’re lying to yourself. One day you’ll realise what you’ve lost. Now tell me what plans you have in place to convince your child you’re still their dad not a sperm donor who has disappeared and stopped supporting him in any way, and who he might never see again. By the time you’ve abandoned him for a year he might never want to see you again. I can’t see me making him since apparently you won’t even be financially supporting anymore. I’ll be looking after my child and myself as best as I can.

We are having a phone call tonight once ds is in bed. A face to face meeting isn’t possible as i work full time and the next time I will see him is Friday when he comes to collect ds and I don’t want him witnessing this conversation. I guess by tonight I will have my answers. My ds has been very quiet the last couple of days :( he is very sensitive and I know this will be on his mind :(

@howsweet That’s good, OP. I’d press record if I were you.

All the best for this. Send him a written summary of the call in the coming days that has to agree as the written record.

I’d also prepare a list of questions that you want to ask him and try to stick to them. Don’t tell him anything, get him to tell you.

whats funny is my parents aren’t shocked at all about all of this. On Monday evenings they take ds to his swimming for me as I work till 7pm on Mondays. Exh fiancée is always there with her two children as they have lessons in the younger groups just before so they sometimes cross paths coming out of the changing rooms. My mum has always said she’s a bit funny with ds and doesn’t encourage her kids to talk to him, and if they do, she hurries them off. Even though they are trying to speak to their big brother??? My parents have tried make conversation with her and the children but she is dismissive so my parents don’t bother now. I always put it down to her being a bit stressed and rushed after the kids lesson and getting them dressed etc but I’m wondering now how she really feels about my ds?

I have asked ds about her in the past and he says she’s ok, but that’s all he says. On the weekends that he’s at his dads, his school uniform always comes back washed, ironed and folded. Ds told me that she does this. she also listens to him
read and will sign his reading record? so these things tell me that maybe she has some care towards him?? I don’t know. My Parents are firmly saying that at the end of the day, she isn’t his mum, it’s his Dad who should be arsed about him and if she wants to move to Australia she can, but my exh has a choice and he is choosing to leave ds behind! I just want to be careful I’m not totally bashing her , when ultimately exh is the one who’s going to break my sons heart

The new fiancé is ok with her partner abandoning his son. Shes ok with her partner not paying for his son and never seeing him again. Keep that in mind. She’s moving for her job and her own financial benefit. I don’t see any benefit for your exdh. She also hasn’t been friendly towards your parents. Tell your ex that he’s going to be paying for two long trips a year for his son and child support. As soon as he gets a job he’ll pay back dated contributions as well.

OP can tell him that, but that doesn’t mean he needs to take the slightest bit of notice. OP isn’t in a position to demand anything, in reality.

He’s the one choosing to go with her, knowing he has an older son he’s leaving behind. It’s on him.

If his fiancee is Australian is he going out there with her and their DC on a spousal visa whereby she can work and earn the main salary, but he can't? Can he find work in Oz? If not, how does he intend to comply with continuing to pay support for your child. Presumably living off the proceeds of their house sale?
How does he intend to keep the relationship going with your DC?

Find a solicitor.

Absolutely- the op can say these points. Her ex can say no and then she can make a written record of the conversation for him to sign as being correct.