To admit I live like this to see if anyone else does?

[11ds]

I keep this a secret. I don’t expect it to be common but I wonder if anyone else lives like this?

I have a nice home, I am a single parent to a toddler. I look totally normal to the outside world and dress well etc. I am clean. DS’s spaces are always clean and tidy. But the rest of my home is awful. My bedroom is littered with tissue and labels from clothes or empty toilet rolls. It’s cluttered. Boxes still unopened from when I moved a year ago. I don’t let ds see any of this.

I don’t have a sofa. I have no rugs or a wardrobe (ds has a wardrobe). I keep my clothes in a pile on the floor.

I don’t own proper cooking utensils or oven gloves. I just pick food from the oven with my sleeve. I don’t have a duvet cover. I have one tiny hand towel to dry body and hair.

these are just a few weird things. It’s not a money problem. I have 100k savings and earn 4.5k a month. I spend money on nice make up and will get my hair done or buy ds nice toys etc. I always think one day I will sort a wardrobe etc but I never get round to it. I never feel it’s justified as I’ve just got used to living like this.

I don’t know what’s wrong with me? I assume this isn’t common? Am I mentally unwell? I dare not share it with anyone IRL!

It makes sense to people who can read properly. What was your own childhood like?

Am sure for you to put this on this forum you know that it's not normal. Please get some furniture for the sake of your child. Get friends and family to help you if you can't. Sounds real sad for a child to live like this and not fair on them

Yes I am the same, my bedroom everything is on floor. Get things out the oven too with my sleeve!! I earn well and am a single parent too. I've also recently been diagnosed with ADHD. Up until now I've just thought I was hopeless at being an adult but to the outside world I look like I have my shit together when I really don't.

I'd be tempts to downsize the house tbh

You said you have money so throw some at the house. Get an interior designer who can fursnish the rooms for you. Get a cleaner who tidies and cleans.

I could see myself drifting this way if I lived alone. Luckily I have a very organised DH who does all the domestic bits and I earn the money. It’s so odd though I don’t know why I just find it incredibly hard to make myself do things. Like DH is sleeping in the spare room at the moment because I’m not well and when he’s not here I don’t shut the blinds - even though I know I’ll get woken at 4 am. I leave stuff lying around indefinitely and then DH picks it up. I feel bad about it but I can’t seem to get it together.

Like you I seem to be able to counter this when it comes to my child and I do everything that he needs.

I think it would help you to see the entire house as DS's home.
It sounds like he is still little and can't wander around yet, but he will.
One night he will want to climb in to bed with you because he wants a cuddle. One day he might want to rest on the sofa and have a cuddle because he feels poorly.

Giving yourself nice things benefits the both of you. The family home that you create for him is also for you.

Maybe just tackle an essentials and then 1 room at a time.

I did an IKEA order this week. As I needed 6 pasta bowls, a few cheap chopping boards and a salad spinner (never had one before, but my husband has cancer and they said I need to soak his salad). It was all delivered to the local spar shop the next day. Delivery was £2. The whole order, including delivery was £18.50.

Could you just order the things that you need and pick them up in the next day or 2. A few towels and some kitchen items.

You sound like a good Mum, you have provided your baby with everything that he needs. His needs will soon change though, so start to prepare your home for that. Take him out with you and enjoy picking out a sofa together. Sit on the sofas and imagine what you want his home to be like.

You've already started to create a lovely family home. Everywhere he goes, is already good.
You're already part way there. It is for you and for him. You both deserve it and you can do it.

I’m the same but pretty sure I have undiagnosed ADHD

I also thinking maybe ADHD, just not getting round to sorting things that are basics. Don't be too hard on yourself but as your child gets older you will need to find a way to get these things sorted.

Is there a friend you could go shopping with for some household stuff (take a list)? You don't have to tell them you don't have any of it, just say you want to replace a bunch of stuff and need someone to help you so you don't forget anything. Then the challenge is opening and using it, I appreciate that.

To me some of those things come under self care. It’s your choice but I’d have to have a sofa! Some people are probably more materialistic than they need to be. But you have the money for what I see as essentials.

What about looking on the Ikea website for some ideas for your room and for the living room? The stuff there isn’t too expensive but it’s functional and lasts well (I still have a wardrobe that my sister in law gave me 18yrs ago for my son, when she updated her son’s bedroom. My nephew had it for two years at that point!). I’ve got a chest of drawers from them that I bought in 2008. Again, it still looks good and works fine. These have also survived four house moves over the years too!

You can get towels, bed linen etc from there too. Just go for neutral colours to start with. I know you know all that though!

I would definitely get some therapy or counselling to get to the root of your issues.

Paying for a new duvet each month rather than ordering covers makes no sense financially as that will work out more expensive.

Hire a declutterer to tidy everything up. It is hard when you’re overwhelmed and don’t know where to start.

John Lewis sell ready made wardrobes that are great quality. Why not look at some the designer ranges they have of bedding, curtains etc even kitchen equipment. Then you can get the items in the range you need online without worrying about each individual item. It like you’re scared to make the wrong decision so procrastinate. Narrowing your choices to one store might help.

My friend’s mum was like this and in her old age you just got worse and worse. if she had tackled it bit by bit in her earlier years then it would never have been the big problem that it ended up. sadly it also made things very difficult for her two sons then had to sort it out upon her death.

why not just sort it all out and stop allowing it to be in your head? It really is that simple.

I agree with all the suggestions for adhd. Look at some the strategies for living with adhd traits and see if they are useful.

I think you need somebody to help you with all this. Is there anybody understanding in your life who you could be honest with?

some things are similar to me- my own living spaces end up chaotic and messy but it’s clean mess. I would love a sofa but it seems like a hugely overwhelming decision. The more choice there is, the more I freeze and become overwhelmed.
However I differ in that I often go the opposite way to not buying anything when it comes to cheaper stuff, I’ll make a choice impulsively and then regret it.

I have adhd, definitely worth reading up about as you might find you identify with other things too

OP I think you should spend some money on therapy. There are clearly some issues here with the worry over spending money on yourself. You do need to prioritise yourself to some extent so that you have the capacity to be there for your son. He won't be a toddler forever, he will get older and he will notice things like there not being a sofa and he will be embarrassed to have friends over. It is also just nice to have things for yourself.

I notice a lot of people have mentioned ADHD in conjunction with the "I can never seem to get round to it" feeling - I do have diagnosed ADHD and I know exactly what they mean, and honestly I use my sleeve to get things out of my oven sometimes and have lived with clothes in piles on the floor at various points. I do feel very passive sometimes - it's like time is very weird and fluid for me and doesn't feel as though it's passing unless there is some kind of deadline by which I must have something sorted, so it simply gets put off and put off and put off forever or until it is ludicrously too late to do it. For example I got out a gingerbread house kit the other day which my kids got for Christmas 2022 (I think?). I thought we'd better use this. The instructions said to massage the icing to get it to be supple but it wasn't softening at all so I thought I'd snip off the corner and stick some warm water inside. When I opened it, of course it was rancid! It had been over a year out of date. The gingerbread part was fine so they just decorated that with something else but it didn't taste very nice so they abandoned it. I threw it away - what a waste, and someone had bought that thinking they would get joy from it.

Something which has helped me in this regard is to treat things like home improvement, or using up activities as a kind of project, with a trigger on it. So for example, I have a monthly budget for home improvement/deco and when the new month rolls around, I decide what to spend it on (or save up for the next month) and then I have that month to do that job. I am also working steadily through a book by an author I really like, Dana K White. I like her podcast (it's called "A Slob Comes Clean") - this would probably help you sort things like the tissues and wrappers in your room. Or for things like that where I find that I just chuck stuff rather than stand up and take it to the main bin, I just put a small wastepaper type bin in that area, this helps a lot because it means that I have somewhere to put things which will actually get used. Beating myself up and saying "I should just take it to the bin!" doesn't help and I have found that "I should just..." is a clue that I'm ignoring something rather than solving the problem. A small bin works well and it's easy enough to see when it's full and empty it.

Having a trigger means that for example Saturday is the day I find the food item in the house with the closest best before date and we use it up. We can play a bit of a game with this.

It's normal to live frugally, it's not normal to have no seating not even bean bags to sit on and areas of the house you are too ashamed to let your children see.

@11ds, you sound like you’re stoping yourself from being comfortable, safe and rooted in your home.
Why do you not want to give that to yourself? It’s very little out of your savings. What is stopping you being good to yourself?

You don’t have to buy the world’s most expensive towel or oven gloves, just ones that do the job and keep you comfortable and safe, like any person is entitled to be.
Start small. Get the towels.
The wardrobe and sofa will be SO NICE! Just think of it!

I’m so indecisive I don’t decide at all.

I think I’m undiagnosed adhd, maybe you are too?

You know you want a grey sofa. So go to the IKEA website or Dunelm and order one. Just do it. That's one off the list. Next week, towels. One thing a week. Pick a specific day to order. Even a time.

Not using oven gloves is not a safe example for your kid.

OP, start small and order proper furniture and furnishings for each room one by one. Get help from your family and friends if needed. As other posters have said, do this for your dc as they deserve to have a tidy and uncluttered home to live in.

Hi OP,

I think if it wasn't for my partner I'd be a bit like this. I'm clean and tidy I love clothes and make up but never been bothered about interior design or decor. I'm too busy and I can't be bothered.
Are you quite frugal? I don't like spending money unnecessarily and would rather not spend free time putting flat pack furniture together.
Do you have nervous energy?
I do, when I lived alone I used to pick food from a baking tray. I couldn't be bothered to get a plate and sit down. It was like I had things on my mind and ants in my pants to in felt like an inconvenience to mess about with things like that.
I'm not lazy, I'm active always seeing someone or doing something but creating a nice home isn't that important to me. I've left the walls in my house white (new build). To some people it might be daft but I like it simple and I am more of an outdoorsy type, I don't like spending too much time indoors. I often don't sit down to eat or watch TV. I do things on the go.

I think I've got ADHD traits and I'm wondering if that reasonates with you at all. If I was being really Freudian , I'd trace it back to my childhood. My parents always used to get cranky and have arguments, sometimes if they didn't go out for daily walks (like dogs 🤣) my father made us feel like we were guests in 'his castle' 🙄 so I never felt home was particularly relaxing or a nice place to be.
Anyway sorry for the waffle.
Just wanted you not to feel alone x

My first thought on your initial post was potential ADHD, and further updates haven’t changed that. Have you ever considered talking to your GP about all of this?

Get a duvet cover. Your duvet will be crawling with bacteria, old skin cells, sweat etc.