To admit I live like this to see if anyone else does?

[11ds]

I keep this a secret. I don’t expect it to be common but I wonder if anyone else lives like this?

I have a nice home, I am a single parent to a toddler. I look totally normal to the outside world and dress well etc. I am clean. DS’s spaces are always clean and tidy. But the rest of my home is awful. My bedroom is littered with tissue and labels from clothes or empty toilet rolls. It’s cluttered. Boxes still unopened from when I moved a year ago. I don’t let ds see any of this.

I don’t have a sofa. I have no rugs or a wardrobe (ds has a wardrobe). I keep my clothes in a pile on the floor.

I don’t own proper cooking utensils or oven gloves. I just pick food from the oven with my sleeve. I don’t have a duvet cover. I have one tiny hand towel to dry body and hair.

these are just a few weird things. It’s not a money problem. I have 100k savings and earn 4.5k a month. I spend money on nice make up and will get my hair done or buy ds nice toys etc. I always think one day I will sort a wardrobe etc but I never get round to it. I never feel it’s justified as I’ve just got used to living like this.

I don’t know what’s wrong with me? I assume this isn’t common? Am I mentally unwell? I dare not share it with anyone IRL!

So, that is what would be helpful to go to therapy for.

If you have nice clothes, dress well and have nice hair and makeup then you already do spend money on yourself and I don’t know why you are saying that. Why dint you pay for someone to declutter your bedroom and tidy it for you? Just get it done and then move on with your life. Don’t let it define you.

I saw a video of a young man getting very fed up with his girlfriend.
She told him to “put the cover on the duvet.”
He screamed, ”What’s a duvet??? And why does it need a cover???”
I don’t know why it was so funny, but I’m still laughing. 😂

Don’t despair, @11ds— bit by bit you’ll get this all sorted. It’s taken you a long time to get here and it’ll take you a good while to figure it all out, but you will. I know you will.
I see you have many friends here and that’s just about the best thing ever.
Just buy a cover and put it on the duvet.
And keep smiling. ❤️

Then you would be wasting both their time and yours

ADHD aside, it’s sounds more like PDA (pathological demand avoidance) and no I’m not just throwing another armchair diagnosis into the mix - my son actually has it. It can be really difficult for him to do things even when he wants to. Almost like a mental blockage. Anything that he deems a demand he can shut down to. Have a read up and see if you can relate to any of the characteristics?
Your motherly instincts over-ride the avoidance providing for your son but in turn you are neglecting yourself OP. It might be helpful to start by purchasing a small item at a time so it doesn’t overwhelm you.

My husband and I are very untidy, so I do understand some of the things you say about piles of clothes or clutter in the bedroom for instance.

One thing that helped us a lot, if you can afford it, is getting a cleaner. Even every other week, but it keeps you accountable to keep things tidy to a minimum on a regular basis. Our cleaner is also a fantastic organiser, so she has reorganised our wardrobes and cupboards for instance.

But generally if you are not materialistic then it is ok to keep the furnishings to a minimum "Scandinavian" style. They are some things you mention like a sofa or wardrobe that I would see as essential, but you don't need a cheese grater if you don't want one!

Hey op- sounds a bit like ADHD I have it and need to be in a minimal but spotless house to keep my mind clear

You will feel so much better when this is done

Make a list of ideas for each room -
When you get bored of looking at one room continue the list of another- I find doing 3 things at a time keeps me interested and very productive
Lists bring dopamine hits
Have a bin bag in each room and when you go it aim to put as much as you can (rubbish wise) in it in 90 seconds then move rooms

@11ds OP the picking of food out of the oven sounds dangerous, you will burn yourself. Our children are little sponges, they do see how we live even if you think they don’t. That’s how they learn. Would you want your child to grow up to live as you do?

I wonder if your frugality is the reason you have accumulated so much in savings? The time has come to ease up on the savings and start to make some little purchases for your personal space. Amazon Prime is so easy to use. You could order a little something each week. Please start with some decent oven gloves 🧤 and a waste paper basket for your bedroom. If putting together a wardrobe seems overwhelming, how about a clothing rail instead? You do need a duvet cover for hygiene purposes too, you can take it off and wash it regularly. Or purchase a printed cover less duvet they can do in the washing machine regularly, students tend to use these. Start with the little things for practice and perhaps build up to a sofa/rug. You and your child deserve a comfortable home x

If duvets feel stressful then have multiple soft blankets as you can wash these weekly too

But there are so many different types of ADHD.

Sounds like procrastination of ADHD

I think you are undervaluing yourself. It is ok to have lovely things and a nice
environment for yourself. You do deserve that.

I think it is something that you need to seek help with during a counselling session. But whether you do or not is your prerogative. But for now, you know that the way you treat yourself isn't quite right. You keep a clean and tidy house for your son, so maybe flip your way of thinking that buying new things isn't for you. It's a sofa so you can both sit on it and share cuddles. Buy an oven glove so that you dont get jumper fibres in his food. I think a flipping of mental thoughts may help.

Also, with the bring home money that you earn, add a small percentage each month to a savings account. The £100k will still be there to protect you, but hopefully, you will feel ok to spend the savings on things that you need for your home because the main amount of savings hasn't changed.

I do think counselling will help, but in the mean time, maybe try and flip your way of thinking to whatever you buy will benefit your son.

This sounds very very much like ADHD , I’ve recently been diagnosed . I bet if you join one of the ADHD groups on Facebook you will see you are def not alone . I used to be very much like this but after years of therapy and diagnosis at the age of 60 I recognise it now(And there are many ways ADHD presents itself ) Big hugs

I mean, I'm a bit of a messy person, but not having basic furniture, a duvet cover or utensils is really quite put there and I can't understand the logic. You're making you life so much more uncomfortable than necessary for no obvious reason.

https://www.johnlewis.com/furniture-lights/sofas/corner-sofa

if this helps there is a 30% off in John Lewis on some sofas.

op, you are worth spending money on.

There isn't anything necessarily massively wrong with you.

I do think you should get a sofa though as I think it would facilitate your social life, and the most harm is probably from loosing things in your clutter.

Otherwise, you might be one of these people that enjoy minimalist living. You might be more resilient than most with living with less.

You admit to spending money on yourself having your hair done and buying nice make up - most peoples prioroties would be furnishing their home especially with a child so I would say this isn't the norm.

The litter can be picked up, why not keep a bin in your room so it is easier to put the rubbish away straight away?

You need furniture, your son needs furniture. You earn good money why not buy one biggish thing a month so that it doesnt sound seem so overwhelming? Get yourself a nice comfy duvet and a nice cover, buy a pack of towels, what does your son use to dry himself? I'm assuming there is some sort of mental health condition underlying that is making you live this way - I really hope that doesnt seem like i'm saying your situation is 'mental' its just not a normal way to live, as someone else said unless you have little money. Why not get your son involved let him help you pick some furniture?

OP I find this v interesting. If I didn't have dh propelling me forward to buy things like proper kitchen utensils etc, I would just use the same wooden spoon until it fell apart. One saucepan, one plate. It never really occurs to me to buy functional house things, even though I understand they are needed and make a home a home. It usually takes someone saying "but you need to have xyz" for me to buy it.
Clutter makes me panic and until I married I kept my belongings to the bare minimum as I didn't have the head space to deal with any more.
Or new furniture. I know we need a certain piece of furniture for example but then I have to measure the space and do research and figure it out and order it and get it put in place. The entire process makes me panic so I do nothing.
When it comes to clothes I have lovely clothes as it's a simple reflection of my creativity And doesn't involve "process"
I also have kids and they have nice things, although certainly not as tidy as I feel they should be. I try v hard to improve, dh gets frustrated but brings me along with him which I appreciate, and I accept help when it's offered.

I strongly suspect I have adhd.

I haven’t read to the end of the thread but if you are struggling to permit yourself to spend, how about giving yourself a minimum monthly budget for a little while, to invest in making your home space nicer.

Say £100 a month, or whatever you are comfortable with. There’s lovely second hand furniture for next to nothing on Marketplace or through charity shops.

You could make a big impact with that within a few months and create a lovely space for yourself.

Is it waiting for the right things? My upstairs is a shambles because I’m waiting to find the exact right chest of drawers and until then it’s still in packing boxes. I just can’t bring myself to buy something ‘that’ll do’ as interim!

I think some people have got the wrong end of the stick. My fault from my OP.

the house isn’t dirty. It’s not unclean. You wouldn’t go in and think oh my god how disgusting. I am often complimented on my home… today in fact when a delivery driver came with takeaway! It is nicely finished off, hallway has very nice tiles on floor etc. It’s a nice home. I’m just saying that I don’t really feel comfortable in my spaces… my bedroom doesn’t have a wardrobe so clothes are on the floor in a heap. I buy a new duvet every month as I can never decide what duvet cover to get. It’s weird things like this and I’ve always been this way. I think in some ways always having access to money has made it worse as I can happily tread water and think it can be fixed at any time… yet I never get round to fixing it

People like you are the problem with this site. She's asking for help and you're calling her lazy, ffs, if you don't have advice to give, shut up.

I think you have gotten used to putting yourself last, which we all do, but perhaps your levels are a little off.

I think this thread has some great posts and I know you’ve said you get overwhelmed with sofas etc, so I thought I’d send this link (sofas aren’t too expensive and some are even next day)

https://sofaclub.co.uk/collections/corner-sofas

Please don’t beat yourself up, your son sounds loved and you are 100% trying your best to be the best Muma and put your son first. Sometimes everything isn’t perfect, it isn’t for any of us, but what you’ve said is all fixable.

There’s this one, well under £1,000

https://www.abakusdirect.co.uk/jumbo-plus-cord-corner-sofa-in-grey?gad_source=1&gbraid=0AAAAADP-APKQhgQdNRmKPF6cXUFsqi_Wk&https%3A%2F%2Fwww_abakusdirect_co_uk%2F=

This is likely ND not MH issues. Sounds like a plan to face the sofa head on. Hopefully you can build some confidence on focussing on these issues from there. And seek support, lots of people are grappling with ND and you can learn about different coping mechanisms and see which ones might work for you. All the best.

I lived a bit like this before I started getting treated for ADHD. It was also that I had low self-esteem and didn't think I 'deserved' to take care of myself and spend money on myself. I've had a lot of therapy to figure out where that comes from, and now I live in a way that I am proud of and which helps me respect myself. Do you relate to my experience at all? Do consider therapy. You are worth it! Also it can take one or two tries to find a therapist you click with, so don't give up.