To admit I live like this to see if anyone else does?

[11ds]

I keep this a secret. I don’t expect it to be common but I wonder if anyone else lives like this?

I have a nice home, I am a single parent to a toddler. I look totally normal to the outside world and dress well etc. I am clean. DS’s spaces are always clean and tidy. But the rest of my home is awful. My bedroom is littered with tissue and labels from clothes or empty toilet rolls. It’s cluttered. Boxes still unopened from when I moved a year ago. I don’t let ds see any of this.

I don’t have a sofa. I have no rugs or a wardrobe (ds has a wardrobe). I keep my clothes in a pile on the floor.

I don’t own proper cooking utensils or oven gloves. I just pick food from the oven with my sleeve. I don’t have a duvet cover. I have one tiny hand towel to dry body and hair.

these are just a few weird things. It’s not a money problem. I have 100k savings and earn 4.5k a month. I spend money on nice make up and will get my hair done or buy ds nice toys etc. I always think one day I will sort a wardrobe etc but I never get round to it. I never feel it’s justified as I’ve just got used to living like this.

I don’t know what’s wrong with me? I assume this isn’t common? Am I mentally unwell? I dare not share it with anyone IRL!

Are you possibly depressed? I went thru a stage like this a couple of times in my life when I was depressed

I'm a bit similar. Downstairs is basically fine (although I have zero interest in furniture/soft furnishings, so sofas/kitchen table/chairs/rugs etc have been accumulated from various relatives over the years, and actually, it's so liberating not worrying about ruining anything, I don't imagine ever replacing it really) And the kids all have either a wardrobe or a chest of drawers, and we tidy their rooms every week.

But my own bedroom is basically my Monica Cupboard of guilt. I have a random armchair (gifted from some family member) in the corner, which is where I store all my clothes. All the laundry basically lives in my room, sometimes spread across the floor if I'm pretending to fold it, sometimes stuffed into laundry baskets. And general detritus all over the place - empty tissue boxes, calpol bottles, medicine spoons/syringes, loose change, packaging off school uniform, black bags of outgrown clothes etc etc etc.

For me, it's just pure lack of accountability - if no one's ever going to see it, why would I bother?!!

I don't think it's an issue with spending money on yourself as you do on make up, hair etc. I'm not criticising that btw. You earn a decent living and save so why shouldn't you.

Maybe it's just a hassle you don't have head space for. Maybe it's the though of having to build a wardrobe?

Get yourself on DFS and get a nice new sofa, you can pay 0% interest free credit so will hardly notice the payments. Ikea do some great wardrobes and you can use the assembly service so that you don't have to.

You work hard you deserve a sofa to relax on for a break after a hard day. My bedroom gets messy aswell, space is an issue. I tidy it when I can but I'm usually to busy doing the rest of the house.

@mrlistersgelfbride your post really stood out to me. I had a safe home growing up and it was very clean and tidy but it never felt like my home. Ever. I couldn’t have any privacy and certainly couldn’t decorate anything myself or choose my own bedding or just … be. We never relaxed as a family to watch a film or something. It wasn’t a home lacking love but I never felt relaxed, we couldn’t even eat a chocolate bar on the sofa for example or have a throw on it in case fluff came off.

I know in my heart what I want the house to be like and feel like but I am so anxious about doing it x

OP I think you're getting a bad rap. I can understand how these things can slip away from you if it all starts to feel overwhelming. I can kinda relate. I don't have much money so can't really buy big items I need but I still refuse to buy myself cheap versions of them, because I want it to be perfect and am afraid of spending small amounts when I could be saving that for the more expensive versions. When you said you won't buy a duvet cover because you can't decide, I can relate to that perfectionism creating a freeze response.

Sounds like you can afford to buy five sets of duvet covers at once so maybe try that so you don't have to choose, and then rotate. Then you aren't forced to make a decision. İf you're worried about spending 1k of your savings on a sofa maybe you can afford one of their three year interest free payment plans?

İf you don't want to choose the perfect wardrobe, maybe for now just buy some storage boxes for your clothes. You can get nice ones in Asda for about £8 each.

Your house doesn't need to be perfect or Instagram friendly, or even the same as everyone else's, just functional.

Carve out an hour in your week for picking up the rubbish off the floor and tell yourself the paper bits are needed for the recycling.

Would it help if people told you what to buy? I don’t mean the sofa. But smaller stuff like the duvet cover and utensils.

OP - would it help to get a plain coverless duvet - do you don't need to worry about duvet covers?
What about buying a simple clothes rail & chest of drawers, if anything else is too much?

I've felt like you seem to - focus on the things you think you need (in your case the rooms your child uses) & then have no capacity for anything else (ie you). Sometimes you have to write a list of what you need, take some time out & get a load of things bought/done in that time slot. You'll probably feel a whole lot better.

You'll get such a lovely sense of relief once you start doing it. Would it help if you tried to get yourself really excited about it? Looking on Pinterest etc so you can really imagine your new spaces. I put off buying a new sofa for ages as it's hard spending so much in one go. But you clearly worked hard for your savings and you deserve to spend it on some nice stuff for your home. Dunelm is another great place to pick all your stuff up in one go, their delivery service is great. Nows your chance to pick all your own stuff the way you couldn't as a kid!

You have the money to seek help. Get a professional organiser to sort out your home. There is no need for you to live like this.

Live how you like - if you're not bothered, it doesn't matter really. It is unusual though I would say! Bits of tissue and tags etc over bedroom - sadly I often have this too. Using your sleeve as an oven glove and not owning a wardrobe? Sorry but that's hilarious!!

If I were you, the only thing I really would make a effort to change (or change first as the case may be), would be the duvet cover. That one is a bit grim tbh. But also very easily fixed. If I had a wage like yours coming in, I'd spend so much on bedding!! So extra nice and cosy getting into bed with a nice duvet cover on that smells of detergent.

It sounds like you are reacting against this. You're trying to provide the opposite of that for your son, but when it comes to you, you feel like you don't really deserve it?

Imagine how you would feel if you spent a couple of thousand pounds on a really comfortable big bed for yourself and luxurious bed linen. Imagine you put that bed in your bedroom and put all your clothes away and got rid of all the crap and just lay in that bed in your brand new bedding.

How do you think you would feel?

If I was single I think I could live as you've described and really relate to the not buying myself a wardrobe.

Does it help to think of it as for DS? As in he will see your room/home like this and it will affect him eventually. He'll either worry about you or he'll learn and habits. When I struggle to do the right thing (ie keep my home tidy/engage with my kids instead of sitting on my phone ) I imagine they they'll remember everything from their childhoods or I imagine I'm in the big brother house and everyone is watching.

Hope you figure out a way to sort it out x

The first step is the most difficult. Get yourself down to Dunelm and buy yourself some nice towels and bedsheets - you'll appreciate them. Start a list of what you need and add to it when you think of things - and then buy things gradually from that list, a little bit at a time.

For whatever reason you have decision paralysis and a level of executive dysfunction( I have this recently agonised over a new washing machine)
Your DS is obviously loved very much as he clearly has everything and more
You seem to compartmentalise your home
It is your family home, and your haven
Do you have a trusted friend who could go through furniture choices with you?
In the interim you could put grey L shaped sofa into Facebook marketplace and see if the closest to you is available
Your DS needs to feel the whole house is his too
I suggest over the weekend you think of your favourite colour then either take DS to supermarket or order online 2 bath towels, 2 hand towels and a duvet cover set
Then in 2 weeks time, write a list of kitchen equipment and order again
I think it would be harder for you to choose in a physical shop without help.
You've taken the brave first step by posting
Slowly, you will create a lovely cosy home for you and DS, but don't look at the bigger picture just yet
Best wishes to you

What's with always jumping straight to ADHD on threads ike this. DH and 2DC are diagnosed, they would never live this way. They're the opposite if anything. ADHD does not make you unkempt or untidy.
Our home is always visitor ready. DS1 is married. He knows his weaknesses. He hates ironing, cooking and paperwork. His DW does that, in return he does all the washing and cleaning of their home and cars, which are immaculate.

OP, most of these problems would be solved with one trip to ikea! Get all the bits from there, towels, cheese grater etc. Take DS this weekend, it’s a fun day out for a toddler and you can get all the useful stuff for a reasonable price.

Buying a new duvet every month, that’s so wasteful. Think of helping the environment for your child if that helps. They’re next to the duvet covers so just grab one - or two if you can’t make your mind up. Far cheaper too!

Also La Redoute have a 50% off sale on at the moment, they have some nice (and not expensive) rugs and throws.

ADHD can present in many many ways. Any clinician would consider ADHD in a differential diagnosis when presented with this level of executive dysfunction. No-one is calling your DH or DC unkempt or untidy.

https://www.ikea.com/gb/en/p/ektorp-3-seat-sofa-with-chaise-longue-hakebo-dark-grey-s49509030/#content

Love my ektorp sofa, it's so comfy. And you can wash the covers easily etc. plus is £650 for this L shape style. As well as a sofa, buy yourself a bundle of towels, please OP. You deserve basic things at home.

OP I get the massive indecision that leads to choosing nothing and then you convince yourself it’s a waste and it goes on. I’m like it and I’m like it with clothes. How I chose things for my flat was, get things that are really neutral, not mad expensive but the ‘nice’ ikea stuff, so it would last but I wouldn’t feel frivolous or like I’d chosen something that would be dated.

I’d actually start off with a nice bed linen set in white. Plain white goes with everything and I got my last nice one from Tescos! Even getting a hanging rail for your clothes feels more permanent than having them all on the floor. You are worth the basics and more. X

OP, your post resonates so much with me.

I do have an oven mit bought years and years ago, but don't use it. I have a rug which I bought a year ago but it's still in the wrapping.

It's not about whether you have specific things or not. It's how you feel about them, whether you personally need or want them.

I look around my rooms wanting them to be in a homely condition, but although I have the money, I don't have the will or energy to do it. It means having to decide on things and if you have difficulty making personal choices, then why put yourself through it. Or if you do make a choice, then I spend weeks or months afterwards wondering whether it was the correct choice.

The thing is I want my house/home to be perfect, but it isn't. So I end up ignoring everything that needs to done.

People have said about getting someone to help you. But maybe you are like me and don't want anybody in your house to see the "real you".

And if no one comes I have even less of an inclination to change to do anything.

@11ds if you don't like the idea of buying items, try to get one for free using freegle or similar. That way there are fewer decisions (although when you think about the reality of going to get it, you might actually buy one that will be delivered

OP, are you a perfectionist? The indecision over choosing a duvet cover suggests this. Does it feel that unless you can get it 100% exactly right and ' perfect'then you just won't bother at all as this feels more comfortable to You than potentially making the wrong choice?

You do sound unwell. Like you’re not worthy of nice things, but you really are.
You’re not lazy, you ill.
Try and get some support and help and do just one task at a time. Perhaps start with some oven gloves.
I would make a call to the drs or go straight to a therapist. Baby steps. ❤️