To admit I live like this to see if anyone else does?

[11ds]

I keep this a secret. I don’t expect it to be common but I wonder if anyone else lives like this?

I have a nice home, I am a single parent to a toddler. I look totally normal to the outside world and dress well etc. I am clean. DS’s spaces are always clean and tidy. But the rest of my home is awful. My bedroom is littered with tissue and labels from clothes or empty toilet rolls. It’s cluttered. Boxes still unopened from when I moved a year ago. I don’t let ds see any of this.

I don’t have a sofa. I have no rugs or a wardrobe (ds has a wardrobe). I keep my clothes in a pile on the floor.

I don’t own proper cooking utensils or oven gloves. I just pick food from the oven with my sleeve. I don’t have a duvet cover. I have one tiny hand towel to dry body and hair.

these are just a few weird things. It’s not a money problem. I have 100k savings and earn 4.5k a month. I spend money on nice make up and will get my hair done or buy ds nice toys etc. I always think one day I will sort a wardrobe etc but I never get round to it. I never feel it’s justified as I’ve just got used to living like this.

I don’t know what’s wrong with me? I assume this isn’t common? Am I mentally unwell? I dare not share it with anyone IRL!

Grey L shaped sofa

https://www.furniturevillage.co.uk/legend-classic-back-fabric-corner-sofa/ZFRSP000000000027556.html?dwvarZFRSP0000000000275566color=kingston-silver&dwvarZFRSP0000000000275566foot=chrome-feet&dwvarZFRSP0000000000275566_facing=right-hand-facing

Are you depressed OP?

If you don’t gave an oven glove what will you do when you eventually end up burning yourself?! And you’re home alone with your child.
How do you cut things up or grate cheese?
As someone said do a trip to ikea etc and buy a job lot. You have the money!

Hello!!! I have adhd and I kind of resonate with having been a bit like you in the past (and deep down probably still am!)
not sure if same reasons though but for me it was a mixture of:

1. didn’t have time after work/childcare/chores for choosing furniture!
2. Genuinely not being bothered about not having key items. Being very used to winging it and finding clever multi uses as a young person
3. not noticing tbh that my house was a bit sparse compared to others. Like you I’d kept some core areas furnished and for me the whole house had a cosy feel but also extremely dated decor from old owner
4. being quite new to home ownership and having enough money to spend on stuff

I find it helpful to list what I need and get acquainted with the local ikea/dunelm/home bargains and just gradually picking stuff up. It’s probably obvious but getting a good bed/sofa was not exactly life changing but so grounding and calming, as was getting my kitchen equipped with more of the basics.

if you feel short of time or really daunted, it might sound a bit random but you might be able to pay someone to research some stuff and make you a shortlist within your budget?

at heart maybe this also speaks of some positive qualities eg thriftiness and flexibility/not being a perfectionist!

also - sounds like you are a great mum and doing all you can for your boy. Being a single mum is hard and it’s not always easy making changes.

https://www.ikea.com/gb/en/p/smedstorp-3-seat-sofa-with-chaise-longue-viarp-beige-brown-oak-s79477240/

How about this one?

Although I tend to believe that a sofa is something you should try before you buy. I'd go and spend a day sitting on all the sofas in IKEA if I were you.

This is a great post.

I wonder if you might find it easier to buy these things for “ds’ mum” instead of for yourself?

When my dc were small, and I felt completely overwhelmed, I would put sunblock or raincoats on them, but not on myself. I don’t quite understand why. It felt like a sort of psychological defence, even though it was fundamentally illogical. But I could push through by referring to myself in the third person as if I were another child. (If it matters, I have adhd)

You seem to bee highly motivated to provide for your ds so perhaps you could tackle this as an extension of that impulse. Especially as it will matter to him as time goes on.

Would you consider buying your furniture second hand if cost is a barrier?

Because he's worth a lovely and comfortable home. So why aren't you? He loves you, if he had it in his power, your spaces would all be warm and comfortable too because he'd know you deserve it.

He won't be a baby for long. Soon he'll be in your room whenever he decides he wants a middle of the night cuddle lol, he'll start to notice that the living room is bare, etc.

Don't know how old your son is, but a fabric sofa and a toddler usually don't mix. Mine was in the house a month before my 18 mo took norovirus and, well...

When he starts school he'll
Have play dates. You def need a sofa then. Also you don't want him growing up thinking it's normal to live like you do. He might be shielded from your room at moment but he'll be venturing in there at some point. Older they get the more aware they get.

Why not set small goals.

Work on living room first. Get sofa you like.
Whilst you're waiting for that to be delivered nip to b&m And get some Towels.
Then work on buying little bits of basic stuff bit by bit

Op, it’s not just furnishing with the basics. You need to clean your room, get the rubbish off the floor. Homestly that’s disgusting, clear it up, it will take you minutes, go and get a bin bag and do it now.

Our sofa is a grey L shaped fabric one from IKEA, it’s a few years old now so can’t remember the name but genuinely it’s the best thing in my house. Really squishy and comfy and easily fits family of 4 plus dog and cat. Have a browse!

Actually agree that this sounds like ADHD. I'm not at this level but I live with DP so it's not an option, but I moved house a year ago and still don't have a wardrobe.

Does DC go to nursery? The only thing that works for me is to pick a day off work when DC is also at nursery, make a list and just plough through it. Get a cheap sofa second hand if you can't stand making the choice, and then upgrade when you're ready. Also if you can't face spending money on yourself (and that's something else to unpack!) stop thinking about it as spending money on yourself - you're spending it on your house and on your DC.

It does sound like it could be adhd but unless it’s actually a lot worse than you’re describing, this doesn’t seem like such a big deal to me. I’ve been a lot worse. Does it cause you a lot of distress?
If you can, start by buying a bin to use as a waste paper basket in your bedroom. One that’s quite tall with an open top, even a washing basket lined with a bin bag , so you can toss things in very easily instead of throwing them on the floor or do a quick clear up every so often.
Make a list of the things you’ve mentioned here. Every week or month buy one item without thinking about it too much and then tick it off.
If you can’t manage that, go to your gp.
Maybe look into adhd symptoms and see if it seems familiar. Do you think you could be depressed?

Can I just say, it’s not always just as simple as ‘it takes a few minutes to order a wardrobe’. For me, it takes weeks to do something like this because for whatever reason I struggle, and spend a lot of time researching, looking at 100’s of different wardrobes, shortlisting them, then still going backwards and forwards. Then there’s the actual building it and organising it.

How about reframing it as the cost per use rather than the total cost?

I've had my sofa 20 years, it's practically paying me 😂

I am quite similar to you OP.
I had a pretty rough childhood with an incredibly abusive Mother; there's so much rooted in my brain ... I don't deserve this ... I've survived with such less, so I clearly don't need it ... I should just be grateful for what I already have ...
It goes on & on

I'm not suggesting you've had a rough/abusive childhood, but I am suggesting there's something in you that could make you feel unworthy? Undeserving etc

Wait, what age are you? I'm assuming you've not just moved out of your parents recently if you have so much savings. When did you get rid of all your towels?

With the best will in the world I think you need some help.
You probably need to hire someone to do a deep clean and declutter, and then an interior designer to jsut make you a list of basic stuff you need, and choose you things in budget that vaguely match, order them and get them delivered and built if needed. Spend some of your savings on it. Both you and your son deserve it .
Maybe it's the getting started that's making you panic and procrastinate. Outsource it, get it done, you will feel better when you do.

I would tackle a couple of small things. Buying and setting up a wardrobe with all your clothes - the thought it exhausting I agree.

Ordering a set of half decent towels on Amazon - achievable maybe?

I don’t think this is within the realms of normal OP no, not the clutter and mess - lots of people are cluttered and messy definitely. But the aversion to simple tools that make life easier (bath towels and oven gloves / basic utensils) does seem odd.

Perhaps it’s the paralysis over actually deciding what you need any buying it?

Do you have anyone in your life where you could say “I hate shopping, can you buy me some oven gloves when you’re out next and I’ll give you the money?”

Id def explore this because life can be made loads more enjoyable and easy through having the basics for a comfortable home life x

OP I second the posters who have touched on the idea of unresolved trauma and a possible subconscious need to punish yourself in some way as I'm a bit similar in some ways and it's taking a huge amount of willpower to keep doing the basics as it's just me on my own now and I just don't feel worthy of the effort.

It's clear you are focused on prioritising your LO and that's a good thing - but he needs to see you making yourself an equal priority as he grows up.

I have a couple of good friends who encourage me, gently, as it's all baby steps. Part of my issue is down to a fear of loss and that if I get too comfy or invested it will all be ripped away again. I've just moved house and unpacking has gone at a snail's pace as it's taken me a month to believe I'm allowed to live in my new place. It's bonkers, but there we are.

But anyway, I wish you well. As others have said, reaching out and asking the questions you have suggests you do want to change. Do it at your own pace for you and your DS. Sending an unMumsnetty hug your way

So you think you might be depressed? What do you enjoy?

Ps I don’t have any corner sofa recommendations but how about taking your son to ikea or another big store for an outing and getting a feel for what you both like? (A style at least - you can then go from there with looking online etc).
toddlers are a bit harder in stores but if he’s happy in a buggy I really started to get my head in order about what I liked by spending a month or so just window shopping in different home stores and also buying lots of home magazines which also recommend where to buy from… you could make a bit of a collage of your tastes and then start finding actual items to buy.

Hey OP. It sounds like you want to change or you wouldn’t have posted.

Would it help to start a bit smaller than a sofa? My suggestion: get yourself a nice set of towels. We have recently bought Christy Renaissance towels. They’re lovely quality and a range of colours (no I don’t work for them). Here’s a link to a towel bundle - pick a colour you like and order a set tonight. You deserve it. https://www.christy.co.uk/products/renaissance-towel-bale