To admit I live like this to see if anyone else does?

[11ds]

I keep this a secret. I don’t expect it to be common but I wonder if anyone else lives like this?

I have a nice home, I am a single parent to a toddler. I look totally normal to the outside world and dress well etc. I am clean. DS’s spaces are always clean and tidy. But the rest of my home is awful. My bedroom is littered with tissue and labels from clothes or empty toilet rolls. It’s cluttered. Boxes still unopened from when I moved a year ago. I don’t let ds see any of this.

I don’t have a sofa. I have no rugs or a wardrobe (ds has a wardrobe). I keep my clothes in a pile on the floor.

I don’t own proper cooking utensils or oven gloves. I just pick food from the oven with my sleeve. I don’t have a duvet cover. I have one tiny hand towel to dry body and hair.

these are just a few weird things. It’s not a money problem. I have 100k savings and earn 4.5k a month. I spend money on nice make up and will get my hair done or buy ds nice toys etc. I always think one day I will sort a wardrobe etc but I never get round to it. I never feel it’s justified as I’ve just got used to living like this.

I don’t know what’s wrong with me? I assume this isn’t common? Am I mentally unwell? I dare not share it with anyone IRL!

Here’s a link to a coverless duvet. Designed to compress into a normal home washing machine

www.finebedding.co.uk/products/night-owl-wide-seersucker-coverless-duvet-in-white

If nothing else please invest in some decent oven gloves!just touching the shelf briefly hurts like hell!

Op, I have this sofa (or very similar) from DFS and my DS and I love to snuggle on it and watch films. Don’t procrastinate - go out to a furniture shop this weekend and do this one thing. Its easy to get overhwlemed

https://www.dfs.co.uk/rest/rrr1zsrcd

after this you can then tackle a wardrobe, clear out one room etc. it does get easier.

Had a friend like this. She earned great money, very good job. I had to go into her room one day to turn an alarm clock off. I was shocked. The room was literally ankle-deep in clothes, plates, general crap. Her en-suite was disgusting.

Our other friend theorised that she was hoarding 'for the life she hoped to have'. She wanted a partner, family, her own home, and was compulsively acquiring (yet not taking care of) things to sort of get ready for her dream life.

Your post resonates with me.

My home is lovely, well decorated and always clean- friends always comment.

However, there are aspects of my personal space/care which I wouldn’t let others know about. By bedroom is entirely plain- bed, bedside cabinet and wardrobe. Nothing else- no ornaments, photos, pictures etc (I have these downstairs) I find them too stimulating and only have them downstairs for my daughter /it’s socially expected.

I rarely eat food sitting down (my friends wouldn’t believe this as I love food and eating out) but often directly out the pan/baking tray.

I deny myself simple, affordable things most people would have/use and it’s not because I can’t afford them.

Im always very professional and presentable at work- my clothes are regularly commented on. In my home I wear the same two outfits- every day. Literally the same 2. Nothing else.

Therapy tells me there are 2 causes for my behaviour.

1. after having 12 childhood homes I struggle to attach to a house.
2. as a result of childhood experiences, have guilt spending money on myself

Im happy with the way I am but I recognise the reasons for my behaviour and make sure I accommodate my needs while also being socially acceptable.

PS I used to display behaviours which were much odder but I recognised I needed to make more adjustments when I had my child.

Is there a way you could make this into a fun project? Say, set yourself a budget, pretend you're on a home makeover show?

Look up styles you like on Pinterest?

Do you have any issues like dyslexia, I'm dyslexic and have a sequencing disorder which mean I struggle to do lots of every day tasks, they don't come naturally to me and I have to seriously think them through and put a lot of effort in to them. Could this be a thing for you?

Also, psychologically are you committed to staying living where you are? Is keeping stuff in boxes and not unpacking etc a symptom of not wanting to commit to your current home or lifestyle or similar?

Buy an oven glove and a towel the next time you go to a supermarket. You can afford it, it’s ok.

I think you'll prefer to shop online rather than physically going to a shop as tha can be overwhelming.
Spend a evening on IKEA and add everything you need to your basket and get it delivered. DS can 'help' you put it together. The MALM sets are good enough to do the job and will coordinate a room and give you some storage.

Instead of doing things for your self see it as modeling self care and love for your DS so that when he is older he is happy to spend money on himself.

You do deserve a nice home. The thing about duvet covers is you can have a few different ones. They're not expensive and you can replace them. It's not like you have to make a final choice and live with it forever.

Also utensils. You can buy sets of these, or basic ones from the supermarket and pound shop. Or you can get ones which cost a bit more if you like them.

Is there a way of saying, I deserve a home I feel comfortable in and I'm giving myself the freedom I didn't have as a child?

I think if you do find a way to overcome this you will also be setting a great example. It may take some counselling or similar to work through this, though.

Alternatively you could post some pictures on here of rooms you like and we can help look for stuff online which you might like? Would making it a project make it easier? Setting yourself a deadline? Saying - I can replace this next year if I'm not comfortable?

OP I picked up the comment about not having bedding. Why not get a plain white set, same look as the uncovered duvet you have at the moment. Or go to your local supermarket with a home section and decide in advance that you are buying one from there and just choose the best one from their range. Much like the duvet you’ve been replacing, if it’s not right in the long term you can replace the bedding. Also check out somewhere like Argos for a clothes rail for the short term if you can’t decide on a wardrobe.

Would it help to think about making the whole house lovely for him? So get a sofa and big tv in the living room so you can have movie nights and sit on the sofa together eating popcorn. And if you make your bedroom lovely, he can come snuggle up with you on your bed for a bedtime story?

That's what you think but you obviously have some extreme mental health issues going on so maybe you are not the best judge?

How you live isn't ok. Get some help asap and sort it out.

some epic back tracking OP

OP - if you’re still reading it might make the process easier if you can remove some decision fatigue for yourself. Go off to your nearest Ikea and just pick out a couch and some decor from one of the staged lounges. It doesn’t have to be perfect or expensive. Any plain and inexpensive furniture is better than no furniture. Do the same for your bedroom - just get yourself a wardrobe and a new bed and bed linen etc the same time, and some towels from the bathroom section. Or if you think it would be easier just order it all online. Maybe commit to a decent budget ahead of time so that you have already mentally committed to spending the money and it doesn’t feel like a surprise when you get to the payment.

one area around the dining table

and yet you have managed to convince yourself that DS is unaware and all his spaces are clean and tidy.

Unfortunately no hope of change until you actually are honest with yourself

Your poor child. He will look back on his childhood and feel so sad that he didn't have a sofa to sit on or a towel to dry himself with but his mother made sure she had nice make up ! Get your arse into gear and provide the basics for your child.

Hi, OP.

I wonder, have you ever talked to a therapist about this? It might be worth looking into this via your doctor.

I know you take well care of your child, but personally I think part of that care is also living by example. I had a mother who was very self-sacrificing. She made sure we always had what we needed physically, but her poor treatment of herself has left its marks on me and I am still struggling with this myself.

OP and this update explains everything .
Sadly your son will grow up feeling this way too.

Buy yourself some Counseling justify it by saying it’s for your sons future.

Then start small . But a really lovely nice set of Egyptian towels . See how you manage doing this .
Maybe take yourself a walk around somewhere like dunelm get a set of dorma for your bed.

All the money in the bank won’t make up for living a real life for you and your son in the present.

Good luck x

Even better get a huge chocolate bar and drop as much chocolate as you like on your £200 sofa from ikea. Once you and your son have created memories . Buy a newer more expensive sofa down the line .
Right now work on this being your home and stuff not your childhood or your parents place .

Once you and your son have created memories

oh good grief

Another thought about why you behave like this - possibly. You may be managing well looking after your child and your job, but it must be hard work- stressful, tiring etc. I think this side of you that doesn’t sort out the bedroom and other practical items is acknowledging that. It’s saying all these things I have to do are overwhelming. These jobs are small but they will be the straw that broke the camels back. So psychologically not doing these jobs is protecting you from burning out.

Could you outsource any of this if you are financially able? If someone could take these tasks off your shoulders and do them for you. Perhaps an interior designer or house stager would help. I have a concern that even if you bought the missing items you might put them on the side and not unwrap them.

That’s interesting.

op, I see you’re very willing to blow money on haircut and make up, mentioning 200 quid a pop, is there a chance you don’t want your current life to be permanent, you want to meet someone and settle down, so see advantage in grooming, but can’t be arsed cleaning up after yourself or making a proper home as you’re hoping single parenting is temporary?

I think my DH would be like this if he lived on his own. I also think that he is on the autistic spectrum but because he is very academically capable and we are in our sixties he has never been diagnosed.

We live in a nice house with nice things but that's all down to me. We have an 'old fashioned marriage' where he earns the money and I take care of the home. if it was down to him he'd live between the kitchen where he would make cups of tea and open packets of biscuits (it would never occur to him to cook or eat a vegetable), a room with an armchair and a big tv and a room with a bed in it. He would never wash his sheets. He would shower every day but never clean the bathroom or change his towel. Like OP his clothes live in heaps on the floor. When I get exasperated and throw them into a pile on the top shelf of the wardrobe he doesn't try to find them or sort them out, just takes something else off a hanger and the cycle continues.

DH seems to have a disconnect between his body and the real world. He lives with what he knows and sees and doesn't seem to have any sense of agency about changing things. It's fine atm because I am a SAHW and run things but I do worry about how he will cope if I die first.

You have a massive advantage over DH @11ds because you are aware that things aren't quite right/the way you'd like them and want to make changes. I would take baby steps. Make a list of things you'd like to alter. Recycle the loo rolls, open a box, choose a duvet cover, take 1 bag to the charity shop Then take 5 minutes a day to change things. Stick to the five minutes. Set a timer on your phone and when it rings - stop. Things still won't be as you would like them but they will be 5 minutes better and your life can go on.

Eventually, and this could take weeks or months, the 5 minutes will be a habit. Then make it 10 minutes. Eventually the chaos will recede and you will regain a sense of order. If you miss a day, don't beat your self up, just start again the next day. Good luck.

I've been like this but the other way round! No trouble buying whatever's needed to make a lovely home/garden, so my house is beautiful. I'm very happy with it, but can I spend on me?
Tell you what, I'll make the effort to take myself in hand, even book an appointment with a hairdresser if you'll get a few bits for your home sorted! You and your lovely little boy deserve this lovely home you'll be creating,