To admit I live like this to see if anyone else does?

[11ds]

I keep this a secret. I don’t expect it to be common but I wonder if anyone else lives like this?

I have a nice home, I am a single parent to a toddler. I look totally normal to the outside world and dress well etc. I am clean. DS’s spaces are always clean and tidy. But the rest of my home is awful. My bedroom is littered with tissue and labels from clothes or empty toilet rolls. It’s cluttered. Boxes still unopened from when I moved a year ago. I don’t let ds see any of this.

I don’t have a sofa. I have no rugs or a wardrobe (ds has a wardrobe). I keep my clothes in a pile on the floor.

I don’t own proper cooking utensils or oven gloves. I just pick food from the oven with my sleeve. I don’t have a duvet cover. I have one tiny hand towel to dry body and hair.

these are just a few weird things. It’s not a money problem. I have 100k savings and earn 4.5k a month. I spend money on nice make up and will get my hair done or buy ds nice toys etc. I always think one day I will sort a wardrobe etc but I never get round to it. I never feel it’s justified as I’ve just got used to living like this.

I don’t know what’s wrong with me? I assume this isn’t common? Am I mentally unwell? I dare not share it with anyone IRL!

People are so obsessed with conventional materialistic living. The OP's house is generally clean, her child isn't going to care about sofas and bath sheets. We don't need all this crap.
Some of you are saying she'll be relieved when she starts buying stuff, why would you feel relieved to start accumulating stuff? Why is this a plan to live by? People are trapped by these lifestyles and trying to achieve these lifestyles.
We lived like the OP for many years, no sofa, we'd lie on cushions or just watch TV in bed. We had sleeping bags, a small towel each. Life was simple. We only changed a little because we acquired children who weren't our own, which also meant acquiring people with clipboards who judge.
We still don't have much, and what we have is mainly second hand. We dont have an oven glove or a wardrobe.Lots of books and plants. Our kids are mainly grown and have grown into decent, well loved adults.

There is some sort of mental illness at play in this scenario. You know what, it's not a big deal, most people have some sort of MH issues...

However, I think your behaviour/issues will eventually start to effect your child & those patterns may be repeated etc. I don't think you would want that.

Are you worried about being poor?

In terms of the clutter/mess - tackle one area at a time.

Bath towels & cooking utensils. They are BASIC needs. You must provide yourself & your child with the basics.

You sound like you are doing a good job & trying to be a good mum, but check in with a therapist.

I have adhd too and I also think possible adhd

She has £100k in savings but describes herself as ‘panicking’ spending money on big items. So maybe she does in fact worry about money, or is very risk-averse and feels insecure touching her nest egg. She must have good saving habits. Maybe she squirrels away £3,000 a month and leaves herself with limited cash flow.

I don't live like this now but I did in my early thirties. I came out of a relationship, was very depressed and broke and lived in a bed sit. I had no furniture, slept on the floor and kept my clothes in a big pile. I lived on shredded wheat.

I didn't have a kid though and things changed after a couple of years when I pulled myself together. I don't think this is a god way to live, OP. A home should be a sanctuary where you can retreat from the world. For me at least, in that time of my life, it felt like a prison.

People "squirrel" away money when they are terrified things are going to change for them. It could be a tenner or a lot of money.

Well, @11ds, it's certainly not common - but I think this would belong better in another forum with more details.

I think a basic question would be, were you always like this? Even in childhood? Could it be that your parents were indifferent to possessions? Could it be that your parents made all the shopping decisions for you, so you never had to think about it? Could it be that you are paranoid about spending money?

If you can't justify it since you're used to it, here are some things to consider:
1.You likely don't look as good as you imagine if your clothes are in a pile on the floor.
2.You may avoid buying because you have some fantasy of perfection. I have the feeling you don't have friends, but if you do, you needn't tell the friend everything, but just say you're having problems choosing towels, and want some moral support shopping. (By "wardrobe," I assume you mean a free-standing closet - but don't you have a built-in closet already?) I've sometimes put off buying things because I want the perfect item, but then I usually just remind myself that it's not a permanent decision - if I don't like what I bought, I can buy something else in a year or two.
3.Your over-riding justification is your child. You want your child to grow up "normal," capable of making choices, capable of understanding what a comfortable home is like, capable of knowing the basics of cooking. Indeed, soon your child will have friends and may want to have a friend visit.
4.I urge you to see a counselor/therapist to help you figure out what the situation is, and the most enjoyable way to get past the problem.

Good luck.

It's dangerous to use your sleeve instead of a proper oven mitt, not to mention being a bad example for your son. You should buy an oven mitt when you go to the supermarket next or order online. Having had a very bad burn from a cooking accident, you don't want to go there. Apart from being incredibly painful, it took ages to heal and lots of professional dressings.

Right now take a bag of some sort and collect all the empty loo paper rolls and labels and tissues and put them in the rubbish.

You really will have to bite the bullet and get some furniture. What's the point of buying nice clothes if you are leaving them in a heap on the floor. Of course, a wardrobe is justified. This is not the war years and make do and mend. You deserve a wardrobe and a sofa and a rug or whatever. Buy half a dozen towels and some tea towels online.

I am ADHD and I do know about the struggle. Proper storage that is easy to use helps. I am slow about unpacking shopping like clothes etc and this is the thing I struggle with. Right now I am going into my sitting room and unpacking a bag.

I never thought about how I wanted my home because, well, home isn't a happy place is it?

Wow that's resonated with me so much. How to overcome it tho? ( think that needs a whole separate thread tbh )

Thats not a nirmal way to live. People do. But not a good mindset at all.
I would look to get counselling / therapy. Most people who do live this way have mental health issues or some sort of trauma. Your a single parent was this an issue previously? Become one since living alone? Etc. Could be so many factors.
Being tight about having a homely home is strange.
You cam buy things cheap and used. Vinted / British heart foundation etc have lots of options. You don't have to buy brand new.

If you choose not to jave a sofa do you have an alternative? Some cultures sit on the ground but have floor seating. Even floor beds etc etc.

What about potential future partners unless your matched with a like minded individual this will most likely scare off potential partners.

I think counselling would help you to establish the deep routed causes for this. You say you don’t want to waste money but buying a new duvet every 2 months is insane, just buy a couple of plain covers, in a plain colour or even a white one. Job done. Amazon is your friend. I think a sofa is priority as that does impact on your child. Why don’t you make a list of things you’d like to get sorted this year and write an order of priority. Sofa being top. More towels etc, other stuff up to you if you’d like to risk getting burned instead of spending a fiver on an oven glove etc. But deep down this is all linked to your past and until your tackle that it’s always going to impact your present. Don’t let your own child be telling a story in 30yrs to people as to why he’s got his own issues.

Yes, she has a podcast.

My dad is a bit like this. His room and en-suite bathroom are a complete mess but he cleans & tidies the rest of the house when we visit, and he will only replace stuff that's broken if it's going to impact us (e.g. toilet in the main bathroom didn't work for months until I planned a visit, then miraculously he found the motivation to call a plumber). In his case it's down to massive self esteem issues, something that makes me very sad and has caused me my own problems with self worth. Your DS may not notice it now, but long term he will become aware that his parent lacks the self esteem to take proper care of herself and that will impact his own ability to see himself as worthy of love and care.

Sounds like an executive function issue. Throw money at it. Get a house assistant twice a week.

Sorry but other people definitely know you do live like this. And I disagree with you that your son is oblivious… it’s not normal to not have somewhere nice to sit and relax. You’re teaching your child that these things aren’t important.. why do you struggle to get round to sorting things out?? Unless you have a medical issue i think you should just get on with it.

your post really stood out to me. I had a safe home growing up and it was very clean and tidy but it never felt like my home. Ever. I couldn’t have any privacy and certainly couldn’t decorate anything myself or choose my own bedding or just … be. We never relaxed as a family to watch a film or something. It wasn’t a home lacking love but I never felt relaxed, we couldn’t even eat a chocolate bar on the sofa for example or have a throw on it in case fluff came off.

I know in my heart what I want the house to be like and feel like but I am so anxious about doing it x

I think you've answered your own questions. Sounds like you have some sort of mental block. I hope you can force your way through this. Good luck 👍

@11ds

I think I know where you are coming from? I’m slightly similar. The children are my priority, so actually the whole house is geared towards their needs. I absolutely don’t have a ‘show-home’ - but it’s clean. There are A LOT of toys.

My priority would be to put them first. So £200 on a wardrobe could be £200 on music lessons for a term, and I’d forgo the wardrobe for the music lessons.

There is a lady on YouTube who lives minimally to protect the environment, and it’s quite interesting to see how simply she can live.

I’m in the minority here, but I think as long as you - and your DC - are happy, as long as you have food, shelter, warmth, safety - then so what? I live like that when I go camping (no wardrobe, limited utensils) and I have a great time!

I'd consider adhd based on the energy/motivation highs and lows. Or bipolar if depression is a factor

I have asd and adhd I have to do things in a routine. So Monday I clean bathrooms. Tuesday I tidy dust/hover downstairs. Wednesday I tidy, dust , hoover upstairs. Everyday at 6pm I do pots/kitchen

Buying stuff, I pull websites up on my phone of what I need to buy so it's ready. Then at a time I feel productive I just go through and get what I need .

Do you get your food delivered? You can get a cheese grater, tea towels etc on that.

Another one saying ADHD. I have a full time job, kids etc and stay on top enough to have a cleaner, but god. You should see into my drawers, cupboards, spare bedroom etc. Some basic stuff on my to do list has been on it for years. I cannot explain why I haven't addressed them. It's not due to laziness.

The oven glove, towel thing etc needs addressing though. Can you set a timer for 10 mins and just do a big order? Timers help for me.

Please consider a visit to the GP.

Posting here shows you know something isn’t right with your situation so that’s a great start. You both deserve better than this.
Your house is your family home, and you are setting examples for your son. In a very short time he is going to be more curious, wanting to be with you, share with you and copy you. Are you going to ban him from your room? In the future to look back and feel bad about sacrifices you made?
You are a family, a team. Your son is not a guest. If everything revolves around him in babyhood you may set him on the path to being entitled which is not a good thing.
Take care of yourself so you can be the best mum for him. Start small, do a little every day. Pick up the cardboard tubes and use them for craft!
As others have suggested buy kit in the supermarket. Charity shops too. Oven gloves and graters are safety equipment he will need to learn to use one day. A sofa to sit on so him home is a place he wants to bring friends to.
Choices can be overwhelming but believe in yourself.

In that case tell yourself you're spending it on your DS, because it's a far nice home for him! And makes it a lot easier to have mum/kid friends over.

OP I'm very very relaxed about most things, I wonder if there's some anxiety or mental health issues here for you, though, as it seems really weird that you don't give yourself basic care items like a duvet cover or wardrobe. Plus you said it makes you sad. Having read your experiences of growing up, I think that's 100% the cause. I think being in a home causes you anxiety, and anything suggesting ultra tidiness or reminding you of it brings back terrible stress. That I can majorly understand, the mess probably reminds you that your parents don't have control anymore. Sorry you had to grow up like that OP it definitely wasn't right and I get why you feel like you do

Could a mate help you? Maybe you can find a way to make this your own thing...a wardrobe, oven gloves, tidiness, but some fun stuff everywhere to also always remind you there's no remnant left of your parents bizarre clean control issues.

I think that's you not prioritising yourself, and thinking its a waste of money.. You should buy one thing a month for your self. I'd start with a large bath sheet, then a coverless duvet (it's an all in one decorated duvet, you wash it and it dries within hours). Then I'd buy the rest. The kitchen thing is crazy, I use tea towels to get hot things out of the oven. You need to buy some utensils too.

Ok, not read the full thread @11ds , but:

1. If the thought of doing something that you’re unsure of, never done before or is complex overwhelms you
2. You keep meaning to get round to ‘that thing’ but never seem to
3. You start doing ‘that thing’ but it snowballs into ‘all the things’ and then they all end up only partially done or it’s 3am and you didn’t just pick the litter up off your bedroom floor but you also sorted all your clothes for charity, shampooed the carpet and disinfected the drawers of your nightstand, all while forgetting to eat or go to the loo
4. You constantly feel guilty about not being able to do all these things that other people seem perfectly able to
5. You can do the thing when it comes to a dependent or your job because it crosses the threshold of importance to motivate you

…seek a mental health diagnosis. There’s support, help and others who understand you out there, whether it’s ADHD or chronic anxiety.

Bonus points if you keep 372 tabs open on your phone browser ‘in case you need it again’ 😂.

It's almost like people can have different support needs really isn't it?

🤔

My mum has ADHD and this is exactly what her house is like.

Cannot prioritise what to spend money on. Very successful at her job. Can't keep bits of her house clean, can keep the urgent parts of her house clean. Feels guilty for owning material possessions because she wouldn't use them as intended due to not being able to form new habits very easily due to executive dysfunction. Kept everything around me and my brother tidy and clean but would have mini hoards.

So no OP isn't alone and I reckon a lot of people saying ADHD have witnessed similar first hand.