To admit I live like this to see if anyone else does?

[11ds]

I keep this a secret. I don’t expect it to be common but I wonder if anyone else lives like this?

I have a nice home, I am a single parent to a toddler. I look totally normal to the outside world and dress well etc. I am clean. DS’s spaces are always clean and tidy. But the rest of my home is awful. My bedroom is littered with tissue and labels from clothes or empty toilet rolls. It’s cluttered. Boxes still unopened from when I moved a year ago. I don’t let ds see any of this.

I don’t have a sofa. I have no rugs or a wardrobe (ds has a wardrobe). I keep my clothes in a pile on the floor.

I don’t own proper cooking utensils or oven gloves. I just pick food from the oven with my sleeve. I don’t have a duvet cover. I have one tiny hand towel to dry body and hair.

these are just a few weird things. It’s not a money problem. I have 100k savings and earn 4.5k a month. I spend money on nice make up and will get my hair done or buy ds nice toys etc. I always think one day I will sort a wardrobe etc but I never get round to it. I never feel it’s justified as I’ve just got used to living like this.

I don’t know what’s wrong with me? I assume this isn’t common? Am I mentally unwell? I dare not share it with anyone IRL!

If money isn't an issue, I'd go on to John Lewis or similar and order it all in one go! Towels and bed sheets just go for decent quality and plain white, don't have to think about it too much and will last ages.

• Corner sofa
• 2 full sets of bed sheets
• Bale of towels
• Kitchen equipment
• Bedroom furniture

Your ds deserves to see that adults take care of themselves and their spaces too. You have enough savings that your child isn't going to be disadvantaged by you living comfortably if in the back of your head you have money worries as a single parent.

No judgement here because this sounds exactly like me.
and for those people asking if you a mentally ill- did it ever occur to you that people live in different ways and spend their money on different things - and that’s ok?

Do you need help to pick things out and create a nice space on another room?

Your child needs a nice home.

OP, I kind of get it

I grew up in a home that had nothing. There was no money. As something died or fell apart, well that was that

I was 13 before I was taken to a boutique to choose clothes for myself, and I didnt have a clue, I remember buying a brown maxi skirt and a tank top ( 70's fashions ) that I hated, but I seriously didnt have a clue

Roll on a few years and first studio flat, I had nothing other then a bed and a wardrobe to move in with. I had to rely on donations from friends so I made do because I didnt know how to go into a shop and buy "stuff"

Wasnt until I met my now DH and he moved in that I started to spend money. I still shudder at my first forays into home decor - HUGE HUGE HUGE mistakes and messes made :) We slept in a single bed together for 2 years because thats what I had and I didnt get that we needed a double when there was actually nothing wrong with the single

I was very lucky in that I had a breakdown young and ended up in therapy and learned so much about myself, finding out I was dyslexic, had ADHD, dyspraxia, and Aspergers. It really helped me. Sure Im still the same, but I understand my thought processes now , I understand my normal is a different normal to main stream. Having grown up in a very dysfunctional family and also being ND , yep I struggle

Out of the home, Im near on manic with everything needing a place and following the rules. I turn up to work in clean, freshly pressed clothes, hair , make up, coordinating jewellery, nails done etc. I look so put together. I keep my work space perfect, Im only waitressing right now but I never stop, I dont just wipe a table, it has to be perfectly aligned, I wipe the chairs, I up turn the tables to wipe under them,salt and pepper has to be placed at a certain point ( management love me lol ) my home is a pig pen

Im guessing you know your way of living isnt "the norm" and you posting here is validating that. Your responses have been very much in that vein, but what will you do now ?

I said I was lucky I had a breakdown young, like whos lucky to have a breakdown? I was lucky in that it opened up therapy for me, therapy I didnt know I needed and it was long term so I had the time to discover me, and why I was like I am

Mind it never stops, found out last week aged 59 that I also have auditory dyslexia , but apparently that's a condition only recently discovered, but again it explains a lot more of my life

You could buy a clothes rack and hangers instead. Often available secondhand. Will cost you about £20 for the clothes rack and £1 per nice wooden hanger.

That said, after a year and a half of living with 2 clothes racks I bought an Ikea Idanäs wardrobe - it's wonderful, would recommend (though you need a second adult for final bit of the assembly).

If indecision is an issue, then maybe set a time aside and go online to a cheap kitchen or homeware store. Instead of scrolling and getting stressed about choices just do a search for certain items based on a list you have made and click on the first that comes up. Grater, click, tea towel click. Don't read specs or consider brands or prices, they all do the same job and order it quickly before you have time to overthink it. That's one job done, then move to a bigger task when you feel up to it. I can see why a big purchase or decluttering job can overwhelm, you need a small win to tackle that feeling of powerlessness.

Op this is very odd and as your child grows up you won't be able to shield him from it.

Your parents must realise you don't have a sofa.

I think you are probably a bit deluded if you think living like this is safe for your son and I wouldn't be surprised if actually your son's environment isn't as great as you think.

This mental illness is why people who have lived like paupers die with millions in the bank.
You need some help.

Yes, I live like this to a lesser extent. Large purchases send me into a panic, not because I can't afford them but because it feels wrong to spend money. My mattress is fucked but the thought of having to buy a new one is totally overwhelming so I make do. I do have a duvet cover but rarely change it. My microwave is broken and I need to buy a part to fix it but it's overwhelming so it's just sat there for months. If something breaks, rather than replace it, I just adapt to live without it. I don't have a table to put things like post on so I just open it in the hall and throw it on the floor where it sits for weeks. I have a shredder but I've never actually got round to shredding anything, it all gets stuffed in a massive box which now contains 15 years' worth of shredding. I moved into my flat nine years ago and it's still not properly furnished, it only has two bedrooms. My spare room was full of boxes and rubbish for three years after I moved in. The only reason it got sorted was because a very nice man installing some blinds for me (took me three years to get round to that despite living without blinds feeling unbearable... I just sat in the dark, I'm not kidding) asked if I wanted him to take it all to the tip. I was intending to put some pictures up in the room but instead they've just sat propped up against the wall for almost a decade. I'm otherwise clean and tidy. I don't live in squalor or anything.

I have ADHD so I assume it's that.

Hi @11ds

I think honestly that it must have taken a lot to post your OP. From my experience what you are doing isn’t ‘normal’ and that you may have some underlying issues going on surrounding your worthiness to have nice things for you AS WELL as your DS.

I do completely understand the want to give your child the best of everything and then sort of forgetting about or neglecting yourself a bit - I’m guilty of doing this with my daughter. Her wardrobe cost a bomb, and I got mine 3rd hand and it’s falling apart for example.

But you labelling the furnished and homely rooms in your house as your Sons spaces made me feel a bit sad. You deserve to have nice spaces too, and honestly the entire house at this point is your Sons space.

So if you look as the whole house as your sons space (and your space too) then maybe you might feel less guilty about buying things like a sofa.

He might not bbe old enough to notice now, but he will soon that you and he live differently to how his friends live.

If you’re worried about money why are you buying a duvet a month? Surely it would be cheaper to buy any duvet cover than that?

I think the problem will be from your childhood and you never feeling like it was also your home. Those feelings resonate with me as I had an emotionally abusive childhood (I did not realise this until I had therapy for a MH crisis).

I have also been homeless in the past as my family would not help me and when I was first housed had to sleep on the floor as I had nothing. I had a cot for my baby which he wouldn’t sleep in so we were both on the floor. Myself and my son deserved much better and so do you even though you don’t think you do. You need to get yourself these things for you to help your son as otherwise in time he is going to resent this and it will end up being neglectful.

But and this is a big but you have to do this stuff for your child it’s his home he needs his mummy to have a cosy bedroom with her clothes put away a clean duvet cover on the bed and fresh set of towels. He needs to be able to come into your room and get cosy with you in there reading books etc every morning and evening.

As for a sofa he needs that too he needs somewhere to sit with his toys and to watch tv with you. My first one was secondhand from a homeless sort of charity so go to a charity shop that sells furniture for thst forget about if you like it or not just get a sofa to start off with. You can then move on to picking one you like next time.

As for kitchen utensils you both need them or else you will get sick. You need to be showing him how to wash up and cook and grate cheese for his sandwiches. You also need to be sitting with him at a dining table or coffee table and eating your meals not eating from a bed with no cover.

As it all stems from being unable to make a decision as it’s a big cost and you don’t want to get it wrong start by going to charity shops and picking up all the things on the list. Then as time goes on replace with new which you buy when you do your supermarket or cleaning shops. Write a list and replace each item in turn one a week.

Hello OP, Do you feel that life is overwhelming? And nothing really matters, (except maybe your son), so why bother? Did this start happening since you have been single? I imagine that you neglect your own needs because you were neglected by your family, growing up, and so you never really learned to value yourself?

This is very sad but you can learn to love yourself and learn to listen to your own feelings and desires and also learn to take care of your own needs. Therapy would help you with this . You deserve to not neglect yourself. You are worthy of your own love. You are a good enough person who deserves compassion. These are things you can learn and should do for your own sake. Try to talk about this with your gp and get some help.

https://www.instagram.com/alexandremiwren?igsh=NnY1dnIwOWg3N3hu

I get overwhelmed sometimes and procrastinate. Get anxious about decluttering, spending money on myself. I need a new car mine is 18 years old, I've looked a few times for one but wind up backing out.

If you have an Instagram account, this young single mum is inspiring.

Did you grow up with little money? I can be a bit like this, refusing to spend on things we really need out of fear of ‘wasting money’

Chaise sofa - https://www.dfs.co.uk/freya/fye64efry

They also do corner sofa if that's what you meant by l-shape?
https://www.dfs.co.uk/freya/fye6zbfry

The chaise also has a storage option, handy for hiding things away! Although I got the storage footstool instead with the regular sofa to offer more flexibility.

It's a really lovely sofa, I took 4 years to eventually buy mine so I totally understand decision paralysis. I think it's worse with big ticket items - it's not that you can't afford them, it's just it's a lot of money if it's the wrong decision and there's so much choice, it's easier not to make a choice.

So I'll make the decision for you - buy the Freya in silver. It's a warm grey, comfortable, easy to keep clean (but still pay extra for the sofa care plan especially with a toddler!).

It'll be about 5 weeks until it's delivered. So meanwhile, what else do you need in the living room? Rug, cushions, pictures?

I probably have some things like that. I don't meet all the criteria for ADHD or ASD but have some traits that are marked and disabling.

Towels - this should be easy! Marks and Spencer Egyptian Cotton. Absolutely lovely.

https://www.marksandspencer.com/egyptian-cotton-towel/p/hbp60508646?intid=mobile_app_pdp_share

I don't know what colours you like, but I go with a dark bath towel and hand towel, and a lighter hand towel in a complimentary colour. Eg the dark green bath towel and hand towel, and a duck egg hand towel. And they hang dark / light / dark on my towel rail.

Is that clutterbug_me on instagram?

I'm surprised by the amount of people that say this is harmful to the OP's child. It sounds like the child is happy, loved and well-cared for. Whether or not a home conforms to arbitrary societal standards is irrelevant here.

If OP wants to live like this, I don't think there's anything wrong with that. I think the issue here is that she doesn't. The situation seems to be the result of feeling overwhelmed and anxious,
(and buying a new duvet every month is a wasteful practice). This post, to me, shows a lack of self-care and self-respect, if anything.

I lived like this for a while when I was very unhappy and anxious. It was a furnished rental so I had a wardrobe but I didn’t unpack or buy anything for myself and I ate a lot of takeaway and didn’t settle. I didn’t see the point of spending money on living. But I had a good job and good clothes for work. I eventually got a partner and children and the first furniture I bought was a cot.

Can I suggest therapy to get to the root of the issue. Plus a trip around a big supermarket to just get all the normal things for a kitchen. I say that because I find all the choice online overwhelming but in a physical shop the choice is much smaller and you only need to spend an hour doing it. You mention specific things like oven gloves and a grater. You can get that all in a big supermarket. You could take your toddler and tell him what all the things are to trick your brain it is for him.

You have ADHD. It's bandied around on here as an "excuse", but you definitely do. You need to talk to your doctor and get a referral, which will take a bit of time.

Ah op we all have our own little ways maye this is a tad extreme but fear not.
You just need a plan, one room at a time.
So maybe one month do your bedroom, order a nice duvet cover, bin, wardrobe and chest of drawers check on Argos very reasonable they deliver too.
The next month focus on say the living room, could get a nice rug, lamp, sofa, cushions, candles.
You deserve it and it sounds like you can afford to.

Are you worried about money? When you get paid, do you put x amount into savings, pension, and are you afraid to spend in the here and now?

What about if you set up a savings pot of day £50/week, and after three months, promise yourself that you will treat yourself to buying a couple of specific items, so you’re not overwhelmed. Do you like Pinterest or Instagram accounts that are about homes or interiors, to get some ideas and visualise what your dream home space would look like?

She literally said she isn't worried about money.

Have you ever suffered with depression?

I would do a list and try not to overwhelmed yourself.
Do one thing every few weeks/month and see how you go.
If you shop around you can find new corner sofas for closer to 700 .
Maybe try see it as fun bargain hunting online.
It's fine now but obviously as your child gets older they will explore the house and you will want to sit in the living room with them.
It does sound like you are a good mum . But these sort of things can be overwhelming. Especially when you work and have a young child.

Even if this month you just buy an oven glove . Then next month some more utensils and so on.