To admit I live like this to see if anyone else does?

[11ds]

I keep this a secret. I don’t expect it to be common but I wonder if anyone else lives like this?

I have a nice home, I am a single parent to a toddler. I look totally normal to the outside world and dress well etc. I am clean. DS’s spaces are always clean and tidy. But the rest of my home is awful. My bedroom is littered with tissue and labels from clothes or empty toilet rolls. It’s cluttered. Boxes still unopened from when I moved a year ago. I don’t let ds see any of this.

I don’t have a sofa. I have no rugs or a wardrobe (ds has a wardrobe). I keep my clothes in a pile on the floor.

I don’t own proper cooking utensils or oven gloves. I just pick food from the oven with my sleeve. I don’t have a duvet cover. I have one tiny hand towel to dry body and hair.

these are just a few weird things. It’s not a money problem. I have 100k savings and earn 4.5k a month. I spend money on nice make up and will get my hair done or buy ds nice toys etc. I always think one day I will sort a wardrobe etc but I never get round to it. I never feel it’s justified as I’ve just got used to living like this.

I don’t know what’s wrong with me? I assume this isn’t common? Am I mentally unwell? I dare not share it with anyone IRL!

It sounds like the concept of household things that are “yours” is a source of anxiety so your brain shuts down on the decision making.

Can you think of the things you need as not being for you but actually for your DC? So if you only have hooded baby towels at the moment, you’ll need bath towels soon so whatever you think is best for your DC then get double the amount and you use the second one. Don’t focus on, they are your DC’s towels, you just happen to be pressing the “+” button before going to checkout. Next time you’re in a supermarket buy two white duvet sets. Don’t thinking about it, just put the first white set you see in the trolley. If you have a Sainsbury’s with an Argos, get a hanging rail for now and coat hangers. Takes 2 minutes to put together and don’t have to worry about dimensions.

Sofa - don’t get bogged down thinking about stains etc in your sofa. Order whatever one you like best and get some cheap throws from IKEA.

If there is random stuff in your room you can’t face sorting out to put into different places then scoop it up just now and put into a container, you can go through it at your leisure sometime in future.

One step at a time though.

Corner sofa £999 available left or right handed
https://www.dfs.co.uk/arez/aez1zazae

It’s almost as though it manifests differently in different people isn’t it? If someone is indicating that they suffer from high levels of executive dysfunction and decision paralysis then it’s not absurd to suggest that ADHD might be playing a part. And the dysfunction the comes with ADHD very often does result in messiness in some people. It’s a bit strange to suggest that it doesn’t.

It sounds like you are punishing yourself for something. If you have access to money order some towels from Amazon if you might not like going out shopping. Buy yourself a sofa. If you can't do it for you do it for your son. He deserves a proper bath towel. He'll start to wonder why he doesn't have a sofa like other families as he gets a bit older. Do you have a chest of drawers? If not could you not order one to keep your clothes in. They are much more useful than a wardrobe anyway. Do you really know why you deprived yourself? Maybe some counselling would help you.

I think you should challenge your all or nothing thinking- you don’t have to spend thousands on sofas- go to a charity shop and get one from there for much less.

I think you should seek help with this- the fact that some spaces are decent but yours aren’t is telling. You deserve oven gloves!

Here’s a link to a bath towel - https://www.marksandspencer.com/pure-cotton-textured-towel/p/hbp60569208. Buy 2 before you respond to any further comments then that’s one thing done.

As someone that used a full-sized bath towel this evening, it’s lovely. 10/10. Would highly recommend. You’ll love it.

Go to your local charity furniture shop. For example near us there is a British Heart Foundation charity shop.

I am aware that there is no issue with money but people give away some lovely stuff and for, say £200/£300 you can get a lovely sofa. You can also get your bed and if the matress is not included or not immaculate get your own new one. You can get a good quality wardrobe already put together - not a flat pack that will end up in boxes in your room. They will deliver for a small charge.

Go at the weekend, you can go with your child and 20 minutes later have got everything you need. Just choose from what they have. It will make the decisions a lot easier.

You earn good money. Is your job busy & stressful?
It’s just you & DS. I don’t think people understand single parenting. You simply have no time. To even think about the house. I’m in a similar situation. I have a DH, though. And still… I don’t know how others do it. Especially with more kids!

OP I really relate, I find buying things for the home really hard too.
I like the suggestion to shop from one place, and like the John Lewis suggestion.
Decent sofas, towels, bedding and kitchen utensils.
This is my suggestion for a sofa (have never managed to order one for myself post divorce but its a comfortable sofa frange with good reviews).
https://www.johnlewis.com/john-lewis-draper-ii-chaise-rhf-sofa-metal-leg/p111850470

I totally agree! This was how my home was growing up, you couldn't relax. It was what's we my father wanted.
We didn't do fun things at home and any decisions or items there were not mine.
I never thought about how I wanted my home because, well, home isn't a happy place is it?
But it can be. You say you have your idea of an ideal home. You will feel much better after the first step and you can do it .
My suggestions would be:
Do you have a friend who would take you to maybe IKEA or Dunelm for a few items like cushions, laundry basket, cutlery? My friend did this when I first got a flat , it was so helpful.
Put your son in daycare or nursery, get some binliners and throw the rubbish paraphernalia away and clean the surfaces and have a good hoover.
See if there's a sofa you like, that can be delivered and if you can, pay for it to be assembled. Then you can put some fun cushions on it and have a safe place to relax x

Because he doesn't have a bath towel or a sofa to sit on comfortably. Does he have to sit on a hard chair or the floor as well as you?

Can’t diagnose over the internet, OP, but I would highly recommend assessment for ADHD.
A number of my clients have described what you are saying here - at least two of them slept on their sofa because their bedrooms were messy and undone and they hadn’t bought themselves actual beds to sleep in.

I think it's because people will notice OP's makeup and hair so might make a comment if she neglected her appearance but no one will notice if she doesn't have a sofa or towels. Is that correct OP?

Could you ask a trusted friend or family member for help?

I have a friend with a problem home and I’d love to help her out with it! (I’ve offered she has said no, and that’s another story.)

I grew up like that too and if left to my own devices I’d live like you too. For example I never throw away old clothes and will wear the oldest shit because I struggle to spend money on me. I also have adhd and so I overthink things a lot. I habe wardrobes but will just stuff things in there as I don’t have the energy - DH will then go in and hang things up.

Honestly I think it would help if you start small. For me, doing one thing at a day helps. So maybe one day you can pick up the toilet rolls. Another day you might look online for sofas etc.

I actually schedule my parents to visit to make sure I keep up with chores. My mother,who is a very tidy person, actually wouldn't care if this where a bit untidy but deep down I care and it gives me motivation I ve always been like this but chronic illness and mental health haven't helped on recent years.

‘It can’t be ADHD because it’s not what I recognise’

@MitskiMoo I think ADHD is a very possible explanation in the OP’s case but it’s for her to consider it and be assessed for it if she thinks it could be relevant. If you have three family members with a diagnosis of ADHD I’m surprised you’re not better informed about the variations (hyperactive, inattentive, impulsive, combined). Women are generally likely to be inattentive and more likely to act in and struggle with a different type of disregulation. And of course, traditionally the way it manifests in women and girls has meant women and girls have struggled on and not been considered for diagnosis. It is very common for females with ADHD to struggle with the kind of things you don’t recognise but @11ds describes here. Women are particularly adept at masking their difficulties.

Perhaps your DC got their diagnosis and support with the things they found difficult? I hope so, but that doesn’t mean that others who are struggling to work out what’s going on don’t deserve the same clarity. They also don’t deserve such a simplistic judgemental attitude from others.

I'd go the IKEA sofa route. Because you'll get it pretty much straight away. No waiting thrre months like you have to if you bought from a store, no buying on the internet without actually knowing remember it's comfortable or not.

If you try one in IKEA, you'll get it very soon, and you'll have achieved something! You could always look at wardrobes while you're there too!

Be brave, face your fears and take the plunge.

Have you got a good friend with the same taste as you (or at least very good taste), who can help you.

It's lovely to come back to a home that's homely and metaphorically hugs you when you walk through the door, and you're really missing out on this.

I think it's really positive to set yourself a goal of the end of this month for the sofa OP, I think lots of us would love to see it when you have it.
The smaller things every time you go to the supermarket put a couple of things on your list, oven glove and towel set for example, if you struggle to choose just go for white or grey, or let your DS choose! You will either love it because he chose it or you'll have a strong reaction and say no let's not get the towels with bluey on, we'll get this one instead, so it works either way. Just the most basic utensil set, it doesn't need to be pretty just functional there's no choice there, you just put in your list Sainsbury's basics utensil set or use Argos/Amazon who do home starter sets for the basics. If you can't choose a duvet cover just get white for now, it'll look the same as the duvet but you can wash it. Or get one of those coverless duvets that go in the washing machine

I agree with PPs you might want to consider support to task into where this comes from, but in the mean time, small steps/achievable mini goals are the way forward and definitely framing things in terms of how they will benefit your DC

OP
Sometimes it’s hard to get started. Once you get going to meet your goal of tidy house, you will easily get it done.

You have to want to do it.
Only 1 hour a day - put on fitness clothes and it’s a free cardio. Listen to a podcast or audiobook.

OP did you see the threads from another poster who called her home a shit tip/shit hole she'd post a picture of an address or room, set herself some goals then post when she'd done what she could. I'm not advocating that because it takes a braver person than me, but you might find looking at her threads inspiring. Hopefully someone else will remember her username

If I close and open my eyes I see: a curtain rail on the floor (with curtains), flip chart paper on the windows, underlay, no flooring. I'm living exclusively in my living room, a bed, desk and no sofa or table. I've ripped out all of the flooring, walls, heating from every other room. Whilst I'm renovating, I've been pretty non committal about moving the improvements with any great deal of pace... In fact, my parents visited recently I put them in a hotel.

Its unmade, non fixed and I know it's not healthy to live like this. No furniture or friends over. But I regularly hoover and there is no litter etc. It's just bare and under developed (if flooring is your thing) - think trap house after a raid. Without the junk.

I've had nobody visit in the time that I have lived here (3 years)

My energy has been on increasing my income over the past couple of years... taking on a lot of different kind of contracts recently. I think burning myself to the brim leaves little energy to organise trades people / make decisions on flooring. It's actually got to the point where I am considering selling so I can live a more domestically respectable life in a rental. Sometimes I wish that my nearest and dearest would queer eye me (tv show)... I'm otherwise, externally very presentable - dress well, punctual etc. But I struggle with logical thinking -

Last year, I spent 6 months without a boiler because it was 'easier' to use a kettle than to call a plumber.

I know it's not healthy.

Totally first world problem in my case.

My own mental health has definitely been impacted by my living conditions.

The fact that you wrote this - I think is headway for awareness raising and raising your standard / prioritising.

Thanks for the invitation to think on this!

My parents were very bad with money. To outsiders we lived in a big, detached house but they constantly talked about the electricity might be cut off, the TV had to go because they couldn’t pay the licence. We ate the cheapest food and not much of it. As a consequence since a teenager I’d panic if I didn’t put money aside in a savings account, I know to the last penny how much goes in and out of my account. Yet I give money to charities regularly, would buy my kids and grandkids anything they wanted. It’s only recently I’ve started to spend more money on myself ( and I’m old!)
You could try spending a percentage you’re happy with and buy just one thing. Then next month a further amount, one more thing. Once you start doing it and you realise the sky doesn’t fall in it gets easier.

I'm glad you said this aloud because your OP showed that you are full of care for your DS but not yourself.

Were you neglected as a child? You can live in a gorgeous home but if your basic needs, emotional, physical or both are constantly overlooked, ignored, minimised, seen as over-demanding or attention-seeking, unnecessary or inconvenient, you have learned to cope without attending to your needs.

I suggest a couple of things to help break the spell.

One is - get your toddler involved on helping mummy choose a new sofa and rugs. Get him to pick a colour for your bath towels and duvet cover, and order all these things from one place to make it easy to decide. Don't shop around, just go to John Lewis or M&S or IKEA - somewhere that will deliver. Write a list of basics too - like oven gloves and utensils and give your toddler a bright pen. As you add things to the shopping basket show your toddler where they are on your list so he can tick or cross them off.

Get a cake or some other treat to share with him and tell him you can both have it when you have completed the order and paid.

The other is - get a bin bag, set a timer for just 5 minutes and chuck out rubbish from your bedroom until the timer stops - tissue and labels, loo rolls etc.

Do this every day until the clutter has improved. Then maybe set a timer for 10 minutes and just start to unpack box by box, but always stop when the timer sounds, so you can't do too much and get overloaded.