My restrictive eating triggers people

[Cadelo]

I wouldn’t say I have an issue with food but I am very mindful of what I eat.

I am 30 and spent a lot of my 20s depressed because of my weight. I love being able to put on a dress and not worry how I will look in it. I love not always having to go for the flattering option. I don’t miss the comments where people made me feel like shit unintentionally - “her body is thick like yours”.

3 years ago I lost 60 pounds. It was not pleasant. I never want to go back.

I just know my controlled eating annoys people. My own sister will invite me over for a takeaway and get annoyed when we order pizza and I only have a slice/or 2 and make a big salad to go along with it. “You only live once”. Blah blah blah.

I’m getting enough calories to maintain my weight. My bmi is also healthy. Some people call me scrawny but like I said I have a healthy bmi.

So I do take scales on holiday as I weigh myself daily. And my SIL made a comment that if she sees them she’s going to chuck them in the bin. She’s a normal weight. I’m glad her life was never small due to confidence issues. If I see I am over a certain weight I just know to eat lightly for a week or so.

I know we will sit down for breakfast (we are going to Greece in 2 weeks) and she will say something or try to tempt me when I order a fruit platter. Or constantly trying to get me to have an ice cream (I do occasionally - and when I do it becomes this massive thing).

I’m so sick of my eating being a problem for others.

I was going to say the scales are a bit much but your explanation makes sense.

Just put it like that to anyone that asks.

Give yourself a stock phrase and repeat like 'oh I just don't have the same appetite since I lost weight and sweet treats don't appeal so much. I'm happy with my food choices'.

As long as you aren't the one keep instigating competitive under eating or discussion of food then I don't see what you are doing wrong. Just make sure you don't introduce food as a subject.

SIL is slim. I reckon her hem is higher than mine cause I would gain weight eating her diet. Obviously I’m not not with her every meal.

I hadn't considered that perspective, that OP's behaviour could be triggering to other people who had themselves recovered from restrictive eating or EDs.

@Cadelo ........

Taking scales - no no no. Don't go there.

Sticking to your healthy eating mantra - totally. Don't get sidetracked by people who consider a Mediterranean-type diet to be 'restrictive'.

I get it OP, and think they're being unreasonable making comments on the way you choose to eat or live. I assume you're not criticising THEIR choices, or dramatically weighing yourself in front of them. I've also lost a lot of weight, feel much better about myself & in clothes, and don't want to put it back on. I don't need someone telling me to eat more pizza or have an ice cream, and nor do you. Your choices don't impact theirs. Shrug and ignore, or ask them outright not to comment.

Sil is jealous of you. She is worried you will make her feel bad. That’s her issue not yours.

I went on hols with a friend who took scales and plotted her weight daily on a chart. I just felt sorry for her. Because I didn’t have my own weight issues, I didn’t need to make bitchy remarks or resent her.

You do have disordered thinking re your weight. That is clear. Daily weighing is a bit obsessional and scales on holiday is joyless. But you could own it and explain. You are almost phobic of weight gain as you don’t want to go through the ‘trauma’ of the weight loss again. That makes sense and you could benefit from relevant therapy.

Your partner was a dick to tell everyone. She will be bitching about you to all and sundry about the scales now.

She will make mealtimes stressful. You need to have a frank conversation or not go on the trip. Your food choices sounds good and healthy but because of her issues, it will cause contention.

The whole thing is a sad reflection of the poor state of affairs with food, weight, resentment between women and social pressure that we see in the west today.

I think the only options are a proper chat or not going. Otherwise a bad atmosphere could pervade every mealtime which would be shit for everyone.

I totally understand why you want to keep a tight rein on it op. And as long as your weight is within healthy BMI and you feel well in yourself then you're obviously eating enough/the right things. Personally I wouldn't take scales on holiday - I'd rather just deal with the fall out as soon as I'm home - but if you need to take scales then I don't see a huge problem.

For your own sake though I would take one thing on board that many have said - weighing yourself every single day is excessive and probably not healthy. It's totally normal to 'gain' 2lbs on hot days for instance, or before a period, or if you're constipated. No action is necessary, it rights itself.

In your shoes I'd be working towards feeling comfortable with weighing every other day, then twice a week and eventually once a week as a permanent plan.

You can't win. Personally, a size 8 is quite hard to maintain given the sedentary lifestyle that goes with an office job and modern treats everywhere. Outside of pregnancy, I also weigh myself almost daily and need to be very careful to maintain my weight. A lot of work goes into being slim, especially if you naturally swerve towards being curvy.

I live abroad so see relatives when I go home or.meet them on holiday. When I was a size 12/14, my relatives would comment on my thick thighs, on my portion sizes on holiday etc. My dad had a go at me once for having an English breakfast on holiday (I was a size 12 at 5'7"). When I'm a size 8, they comment I'm too skinny and need to live my life.

You can't win.

The scales is what I used to do when I had a severe eating disorder in my teens and twenties and I had exactly the same views as you then as well. I was in full denial and underneath absolutely miserable even though I couldn't see it at the time. I can see why people are concerned. While I agree it's great you've lost the weight are doing well to keep it off, you are not in a healthy place mentally. Very best of luck OP x

I don’t think the OP has an ED. At all. Fat may not go on in a day, but it can creep on over time if you’re not careful. Having lost a lot of weight I can understand why OP doesn’t want to risk it going back on - it’s easy to put on and hard to lose. I lost five stones over a twelve month period - I have no wish to repeat the process, and I think that’s where OP is coming from. If weighing herself every day helps her to feel in control and she maintains a healthy BMI, there’s nothing wrong with that.

I think everyone should butt out of your choices surrounding food.

One person's "scrawny" is another person's completely healthy and acceptable size 8.

Take the scales, eat what you want and don't eat what you don't want; that's the point of a holiday, it's for you to enjoy and feel comfortable.

I tend to exercise on holiday and people have said all sorts of ridiculous things about that.
"You're on holiday, relax!" I AM relaxing, holiday is a chance for me to do more of what I enjoy; walking, seeing the scenery and different areas etc. Just because I'm not laying on a beach towel with a Pina Colada, doesn't mean I'm not enjoying my holiday.

It's wrong of them to comment so much on your body and your eating; can DH have a word with them and ask them to stop?

I thought the same thing as a pp - why and how did your husband tell your sister in law? It sounds like he might have an issue with it.

You definitely still have disordered eating. Don't go on holiday with your family if you can't leave the scales. That's obsessive and won't make them stop commenting.

I understand OP and it's fine.

I do eat slices of pizzas and burgers on holiday. Just know not to follow with ice cream, a bottle of wine, drunken kebab etc.

And I will have an ice cream or two on holiday. Just not everyday.

I don’t enjoy meals with people who are restrictive on calories because of my history but that’s my problem not yours.

are you still losing weight, and do you find yourself worrying about your weight / thinking about what you will or won’t eat a lot? If yes to either of those I’d keep an eye on it. Anorexia can really creep up on you and it’s a bugger to get rid of

I think with the scales it's a comfort blanket. Like I get anxious so I take a little Tupperware box with me (to be sick in)

Now I don't need it but who does it hurt me have it in my bag on say a flight. Makes me feel happier.

I think you should do what makes you happy OP.

They probably mention it because it makes them feel a little self conscious to be eating those things in front of someone being 'good' or not having anything at all, but as long as you aren't judging their food choices (inwardly or outwardly), I don't see why they should judge yours.

Some people can't really get their head around the food = fuel concept either, and, especially on holidays they find pleasure in the shared experience of mealtimes and having delicious food and probably more of it then they would at home, they just want you to feel the same enjoyment that they feel and think you are missing out and torturing yourself, when really it is a way to keep your disordered eating habits in check.. would they be encouraging a reformed alcoholic to have a drink?.. no, obviously not so this shouldn't be any different.

If taking the scales allow you get to enjoy more types of food and allow yourself more freedom then you normally would but still maintain the control to rein it back in if you think you've overindulged then crack on I say.

Its a bad idea to take scales on holiday. Most people hang on to a good few pounds of water weight with the flight and heat, and that could well ruin your trip if you weigh heavy, never mind annoying your companion. If you eat within your usual calories there's no way you can gain, so there's no need. I think you need to try and relax a little, you don't have to eat more if you don't want to, but I'd try not to have food front and centre because there's more to life. I speak as someone who lost two stone and is very keen to maintain my BMI of 21, for all the reasons you give, so I do get it. But you can't let food rule you, the less importance you give it the easier it is to eat moderately.

It sounds to me as though you really know yourself well.
You know what works for you psychologically and physically to live well.
So I think your friends/family are being unhelpfully critical.
It is one thing to worry about someone.
It's quite another to complain when they're just minding their own business merely because it unsettles you from feeling comfortable with your own choices.

I would come up with some stock phrases so you can reply unemotionally but predictably until they get the message and drop it.

Stuff like... 'so you say, but this works for me'
or
'my choices are only for me, you go ahead with what works for you'.
'I'm happy with what I'm doing thank you'

I've read the first half.

Why on Earth can't the op take scales on holiday if she wants to?

How does it harm anyone else?

I get both sides of this. I've lost a similar amount of weight (twice) and the fear of "putting it all back on" resulted in an ED that I needed treatment for in my 20s. I absolutely understand the fear.

That said, I've done a lot of work, mainly down to having children (because I don't want them to have the same relationship with food as I did) to rebuild my relationship with food into something much more measured and intuitive. I would find it hard to be around someone still deep in the fear stage.

Due to my disordered relationship with food I've always found it nearly impossible to enjoy food if people around me aren't. I still don't think I could be the only one at dinner to order a dessert, from example. Or if everyone was having a coffee but I wanted an ice cream, I wouldn't get one. I also know that at times I felt a bit superior when I was restricting - I had to tell myself I was better than the people around me eating more because I had to justify the restriction. I probably made people around me feel bad as a result.

Given your SIL presumably grew up in in the 90s/00s and was affected by diet culture like most women, she probably doesn't have the healthiest relationship with food even if slim.

OP I was with you until you mentioned taking the scales on holiday and weighing yourself every day.
Watching what you eat and making healthy choices daily is good. Being obsessive by taking scales on holiday and weighing every day is still disordered. I personally think you need therapy for these issues going forward and to explore and unpack your feelings around eating / your past self and your future connection to food, weight and how this is going to be manageable longer term without the obsessive rigid elements

if you’ve been big for a long time then people will of positioned you in that role in there lives. You’ve threatened them by changing that reality. You should just be proud of what you’ve accomplished and eventually their perception will adjust. Unless they’re jealous in which case they’ll just keep up with the digs. I’m assuming that these are the same people that said you were thick built. Some people are just horrible. Let every comment make you feel proud of what you’ve achieved.

Who made your SIL boss of what you eat, what size you choose to be, and how often you weigh yourself? You've done well, and if routines that wouldn't be necessary for someone who has never had to manage their own weight are a part of keeping you at a weight you're happy with, so be it.

It can be remarkably difficult to enjoy a breakfast buffet with a companion who just picks at a bit of fruit, but that's not your problem to solve for your SIL. I have friends and a daughter with ARFID and have had to train myself to accept that what they choose not to eat is none of my business.