At loggerheads over dog

[Nate757]

My wife (24f) is a stay at home mum of our daughter (1f) and is struggling with her mental health, especially since I (28m) have started to work away from home about 50% of the time and will be abroad 7-10 days at a time. She loves staying at home with our daughter, but is feeling isolated a she recently moved away from family and friends for my job, she is depressed and due to something that happened in her past, struggles with extreme anxiety being alone in the house at night (she is going to therapy).

She really wants to get a dog, which I am definitely open to. I really would prefer a smaller breed, but she has her heart set on a a Saint Bernard as she grew up with one and adores them. Against my own wishes I agreed on the condition she pays entirely for its food maintenance out of her own money (she has her own little business she makes a couple hundred pounds from every month). My wife was absolutely ecstatic, picked out a puppy she wanted and last week we went to go and collect it. The puppies were adorable, but when I met the mum and saw how big she was I got cold feet, pulled my wife aside and told her I'd changed my mind. So we went home without the puppy.

She initially took it better than I expected and left the breeder's without a row but in the days after her mental health has deteriorated further and I'd be a fool to not see that this is causing major resentment in our marriage.

I feel like such an AH and know I've really hurt my wife by literally pulling out when she had the puppy of her dreams in her arms. I'm just not a fan of big dogs and don't want to live with one. I'm still happy to get a small dog, but my wife says she wants a breed she knows and loves, and a big dog would help her feel safer when she's alone. She doesn't want to comprise.

Am I being unreasonable?

I would let her get it. My Dh is away for 1-2 wks at a time every month, and we live in a town where I don't actually speak the majority language despite being in an English speaking country (it was accidental, and a long story). So my neighbors do not generally say hello, they sit on their porches like in the "old country" and smoke cigars. It is isolating. We recently got a rehomed dog who has completely turned things around for me psychologically. I would urge you to get the puppy and see the benefits first hand.

Always always better to pull out than to have one person in the house who is resentful of a dog. Personally I think if two people aren’t 100%on having a dog, there shouldn’t be one in the house. St Bernard’s have a very short life (hardly good for her mh, I know two who died before the age of ten), and they cost a small fortune

You won't have to live with the dog much surely? You're away from home more often than not.

Anyway, the solution isn't getting a huge dog surely but the whole damn set up. I know easier said than done to change it, but I'm a child of a marriage setup like yours: high earning father away half the time, mum with unmet needs – and great career potential she could not use fully; in many ways I'd say she was more capable & career savvy than my dad though he was the higher earner. At least my mum wasn't socially/geographically isolated like your wife though.

While us kids grew up privileged, the emotional marks are still very much there. In fact I'd argue it affected our own earning potential too!

I think you’re an AH for saying you won’t pay for the dog; I’m assuming if she wasn’t a SAHM she would have more money but instead is looking after your child… I’d start charging you childcare fees!

I also think your wife is wrong in thinking a dog will help with her MH at this stage. My GR was 1 when my DS was born and it’s been hard work. Don’t underestimate the additional stress a dog (let an alone puppy!) will bring.

Against my own wishes I agreed on the condition she pays entirely for its food maintenance out of her own money (she has her own little business she makes a couple hundred pounds from every month).
Wtf!

I'm glad someone pointed out this proven fact - support dogs are very very much a thing for all manner of reasons. We don't even know what her issues are & may even just be a derisory term used by OP to dismiss anxiety around being, essentially, a single mum away from any support network who struggles being alone at night due to past trauma.

This, all of this. The only reason your wife feels so alone and wants to feel safe with a dog she knows is because she has moved away from everyone to support YOUR career. You're away half the time so YOU can make money. Your wife does the 24/7 unpaid but very difficult job of looking after your child solo, so that you can work. Why on earth are your finances not shared? You should be the one paying for the dog!

Support dogs are often (or always?) specially trained so they are already well able to support their owner. This will be the opposite scenario.

Just to add, my dad was the higher earner BECAUSE of the sacrifices my mum made for his career

Someone above pointed out about the set up- this is true. Does she want to return to work/ get a pt job? Can she see family or friends more? Can she get out more? Does she acknowledge she has a problem?

I love my husband dearly but currently harbour a grudge over a dog and it didn't even get as far as you did.

I want a couple of daschunds. I am very familiar with the breed and their issues.
I work from home, he's retired
Money is not an issue
He loves dogs (other peoples)

May last year he agreed to get a dog - I put it on hold as we were just about to move house and had two holidays planned and it would not be fair on the dog so the ideal time was going to be this spring just gone.

I admit I am not a well trained house person and he does most of the housework. However we disagreed over a hot tub - and I did say I'd look after it. To be fair, he does most of the maintenance on it. In my mind thats only fair as he's retired and I work full time and bring in the household money. I would do it but he has it done well in advance of it needing to be done - I'd do it when its needed.

Anyway, what is the relevance of the above? Because I can't look after a hot tub I clearly cannot be trusted to look after a dog and therefore we aren't getting one.

No matter how much I point out I grew up with dogs I was responsible for and the well being go a living animal is totally different than maintenance on a hot tub whereby if its not done, the worst that will happen is having to drain it down, flush it and refill it - it makes no difference.

I just wish he hadn't agree to one a year ago and then changed his mind.

So I can only begin to imagine how your poor wife feels.

Yeah I think we are grasping at straws here. a huge drooling puppy is no support dog, and honestly surely any responsible dog home or dog breeder would advise against a dog in this set up since one of the two adults isn’t keen and also possibly due to presence of a toddler?

OP, forget about the dog - I think you really need to read through the thread and reflect on the dynamics of your relationship and what you both can do to make sure she is less isolated (that doesn’t involve relying on a dog) and more empowered & respected. This issue is bigger and deeper than a dog. I wouldn’t be surprised if her meltdown was more down to feeling like she has no control over the family life decisions.

I couldn’t live with someone who denied me a dog. I look after them doing everything and keep the house tidy. There’s another thread on MN where someone dumped the boyfriend and kept the dog, she’s having a great time now, think I’m with her!!

Not great timing pulling out when already there but a St Bernard!!! Of all the dogs to choose plus the insurance would soon be above £200 a month I imagine. I think a fair compromise would be a smaller more manageable dog. I absolutely love dogs but I’d find a St Bernard too much.

@ScottishScouser sorry if this sounds mean but I have to say I understand your husband's viewpoint.

Often initial enthusiasm and love can only get us so far. I hate to admit it, but responsibility and repetition even in the mundane household chores are really good predictors of our attitude towards live beings. I'm not being preachy as I don't think I'd be a good pet owner either – would be brill in the excitement of the first few months but not after that.

The fact that you HAVE to take care of the dog doesn't work in your favour. It only means that if you drop the ball on dog tasks, someone will have to do it and that person is your husband.

I have seen this exact thing happen with someone who claimed to be an animal lover and vvv familiar with that breed. They postpone key pet care tasks (a lot of "the worst that could happen is..." logic), but then get mad when someone else does it (as if the person who does it is thrilled to have to pick up their slack anyway)!

Also, the "someone else" is actually not an animal lover. Thus links to my earlier point that actually, general life responsibility – and not warm fuzzy feelings – is the strongest predictor of pet care. Again I hate to admit this to myself as well.

Also sometimes, it's not for the pet's sake but the humans' sake. So things like cleaning fur shed everywhere etc, the irresponsible owner may put it off as it's not necessary for the pet's wellbeing, but it affects how others in the house live.

But you don't feel guilty enough to put her needs first.

If OPs wife wants to split up the family due to not having a dog the relationship clearly has other much deeper issues.

I’d leave my boyfriend if he did decide to get a dog so I do understand people splitting up over having or not having a dog in some circumstances, but not when marriage /kids are involved.

That said I do believe OP behaved poorly in not really thinking things throughly and also asking his wife to pay for it all? A toddler, a huge drooling dog to clean up after and a business she runs from home that will need to be maintained to support the dog - sure, easy work 😏

But still you can’t change the past, it’s good you at least realised before taking the puppy. don’t let anyone guilt you into having a dog you’re not keen on. If she wants a dog that much surely she can be open to look into some other breeds!

This.

You are being unreasonable to take a job that requires a spouse that can absolve you of all parenting responsibility, yet your spouse is not sharing in the full financial rewards from that job.

you have a wife that has to do everything at home, plus work her own little business to earn money. Meanwhile you are free to do whatever you want with your career.

its no wonder she is struggling with her mental health.

you need to address the real problem.

what kind of dog you get is secondary. Your wife shouldn’t have to pay for it out of the money she manages to earn while also caring for your child though. Wtf.

What is her business? Could joining an online entrepreneur community/group for her field/niche (or even more general like female entrepreneurs – many are part time and mums btw) help with the isolation and anxiety?

There are so many different forms out there – FB groups, whatsapps, also mastermind or coaching memberships, etc. Only the latter appeals to me, but there are different kinds for everyone. As a digital nomad I find these help.

Short term solution, and there needs to be a wider fix so she doesn't just sacrifice all her life and happiness for yours, but it may be helpful for now.

This! I notice that the OP has not come back to reply to many similar posts......

Whilst I can see your point, what you are missing is I've had dogs before, and cats, and other pets. When we had a koi pond, twas me that did the water checks, sorted out the chemicals etc. I'd probably neglect him and myself before I'd neglect a dog or not clean up after them.

He does have borderline OCD - he's always going to pick up general household stuff that needs doing long before I do (I spent 15 years living out of hotel rooms with my job so was used to room and maid service).

I just wish he'd never said yes in the first place.

He didn't dissent.

He agreed to a dog, and also said he came round to the idea of his DW's preferred breed.

Then when actually picking the puppy up to take home changed his mind on the basis of a characteristic (size) that anyone who had done even the most cursory research would have known about.

That's just plain cruel.

If a dog was really off the cards, then it would never have reached that stage, and I would have completely supported his stance.

But to agree and then chose the most devastating way of reneging on that agreement is horrible

PROPER support dogs are somtimes helpful. They usually have basic training before being placed with the person or are placed in circumstances where the person or other adults in the house have been assessed as being capapble of their care (not talking about the circs where people get a dog and use the excuse that its a "support dog" to take it everywhere with them. Its also usual that everyone in the house is in agreement that the dog should join the household.

You are being unreasonable to take a job that requires a spouse that can absolve you of all parenting responsibility, yet your spouse is not sharing in the full financial rewards from that job.

this is the big one, for me