At loggerheads over dog

[Nate757]

My wife (24f) is a stay at home mum of our daughter (1f) and is struggling with her mental health, especially since I (28m) have started to work away from home about 50% of the time and will be abroad 7-10 days at a time. She loves staying at home with our daughter, but is feeling isolated a she recently moved away from family and friends for my job, she is depressed and due to something that happened in her past, struggles with extreme anxiety being alone in the house at night (she is going to therapy).

She really wants to get a dog, which I am definitely open to. I really would prefer a smaller breed, but she has her heart set on a a Saint Bernard as she grew up with one and adores them. Against my own wishes I agreed on the condition she pays entirely for its food maintenance out of her own money (she has her own little business she makes a couple hundred pounds from every month). My wife was absolutely ecstatic, picked out a puppy she wanted and last week we went to go and collect it. The puppies were adorable, but when I met the mum and saw how big she was I got cold feet, pulled my wife aside and told her I'd changed my mind. So we went home without the puppy.

She initially took it better than I expected and left the breeder's without a row but in the days after her mental health has deteriorated further and I'd be a fool to not see that this is causing major resentment in our marriage.

I feel like such an AH and know I've really hurt my wife by literally pulling out when she had the puppy of her dreams in her arms. I'm just not a fan of big dogs and don't want to live with one. I'm still happy to get a small dog, but my wife says she wants a breed she knows and loves, and a big dog would help her feel safer when she's alone. She doesn't want to comprise.

Am I being unreasonable?

If she already has mental health issues, I don't think having a dog to train and care for along with a 1 year is really a good idea.

This is very true. A dog isn't a sticking plaster - they are bloody hard work, especially if their temperament isn't what you expect.

Personally I think you are being an absolutely selfish dick.

You are fucking off regularly leaving your wife alone. You've trailed her away from everyone she knows, and now you won't even be there. You agreed to get the dog, right up until the 11th hour, when she had actually picked the puppy she wants, and then you pulled the rug from under her.

And you're an absolutely selfish 'man' to make her pay for everything from her own meagre income. Don't you think the dog would be company for her when is on her own so much with your child?

Your wife knows the breed, she has had her own St Bernard before, so she knows what she is taking on.

It's all your way or the highway isn't it?!

This.

Oh and a huge dog is not going to miraculously solve her mental health problems. In fact, it'll probably make them worse temporarily (speaking as an owner of two large breed dogs who were incredibly hard to train!).

Also, what happens when her mental health is bad and she doesn't want to take it for a walk? Because this is the more likely scenario than a dog being a miracle cure for depression. Then she's at home with a toddler and a bored / frustrated and under stimulated massive dog.

Could she get a job doing something she enjoys to help her MH instead of getting a dog? Something to do with her business maybe

Yes, it's like you are treating her like a child - yes you can have a dog as long as you clean up after it and walk it. That's not how something that lives in the house works. Although assume she agreed to move away and wasn't forced? I'd also say she needs human company not canine.

It’s sounds like you resent that she’s struggling. Your comment about her making her pay for the dog “out of her money” makes you sound incredibly immature and selfish. She’s your wife; why is there a “his and hers”? You’ve basically carried on with your life as normal as many men tend to do post their partner having their child. Whereas she’s alone with your child all day and probably feeling very low. She’s quite a young mum still in terms of modern day parenting and you don’t sound very caring or understanding.

As for the dog, you were a fool to agree to it up until the point where she had the puppy in her arms and then back out. She will resent you for this. It was NOT unreasonable to not want a dog that size. I’m a life long dog owner of large breeds but would absolutely NOT want a giant breed for the reasons others have said. Practically I don’t see them working for the majority of people never mind someone with a 1 year old. But it’s your handling of the situation that sucks here. You’ve made a lot of mistakes. I suggest you look at your own behaviour and get grovelling. Also lose the attitude or you will lose your wife.

Then the dog is a red herring.

You both need to discuss how her needs can be met and go from there.

If she grew up with one, how can she not know how big they are? I can't see how this will work, those dogs are so massively and could need expensive medical care. Also please get her to reconsider getting a puppy, they are massive amount of work especially with a child. i think there a bigger issues you being away for work, and if she's getting proper help for her mental health. It's fine to say you don't want a dog.

Because the past, especially childhood, is another country.....

Not agreeing to get a big dog - not unreasonable at all
Making her pay for the dog out of her "little business" (so patronising by the way) - very unreasonable.
Leaving it until the very last minute to change your mind about the dog - very unreasonable.
I think this is not about the dog.
I dont understand the point of your wife moving away from the support of friends and family for your job when you spend more time elsewhere? Perhaps this all needs a major rethink so your wife can have the support that she needs nearby while she is struggling with her mental health and trying to bring up a one year old mainly on her own (while running her "little business")

THIS.

The way you speak about your wife is like a child or someone beneath you. You describe her as a stay at home mum, but she has a business. You describe yourself as the working man of the household but give your wife an allowance rather than having joint finances. You need to do better. As PPs have said, she is looking for a sticking plaster. I doubt a dog will help, although with certain aspects they can. But you need to be a better husband and father, that is the bottom line, and treat your wife as your equal.

Wow, if I’d got as far as cuddling a puppy and then told no, I would continue with the puppy and DH could like it or lump it.

you sound like a nightmare husband: first she moved away from her support network to support you job, now you're hardly there and you expect her to pay for a dog out of her meagre earnings? then nixed the dog anyway because you're... what, not paying attention?

my advice is to her: Ducks in row. Move back to your support system. Ditch the husband.

What size house/garden do you have?

There'd be no room for the toddler in a normal house

This. I grew up with high-octane working dogs and would have confidently described myself as an experienced dog owner. It is very different owning a dog as an adult and managing a child. I was a bit more sensible than OP and got a lovely biddable greyhound but it's still another person in the house to manage and care for.

I would absolutely not get a giant breed puppy with a baby in the house. I love a giant dog - it's not that. But my mum had a Rotweiler and my God, he was strong. I could barely control him on the lead and I'm pretty physically strong and very good with dogs. Puppies and adolescent dogs can be very nippy and that's no joke in a giant breed.

I do think it was terribly unfair on your wife to pull out of the deal at the last minute but I also think it was the right decision. You have to get a dog for the situation you've got, which is why despite being a lifelong Malinois obsessive I recognised that a lovely dozy greyhound was the right call for us.

YABU. I'm surprised you didn't know that St Bernards are massive and even more surprised that you didn't look up their size prior to going to collect the puppy if you didn't know. It's unfair to pull out at the last minute.

This. And same here. I grew up with collies and spaniels but I would not have my own now!

We have two large working breed dogs and they're not too much hard work if they're exercised properly (two x 1 hour walks a day) but there is no way on this earth I would have chosen to get them if I had a toddler and was home alone most of the time!!!

Added to that the mental health issues and I think this is a recipe for disaster...

Was the timing bad? yep but honestly, you did the right thing, it may be that you will only be at home part time, but it is your home too and you have a right to feel comfortable in it.
If your wife is still keen on getting a dog, take her to any number of re homing centres and give a home to a dog that needs it.

I don’t think the issue is the dog. It’s that she has followed you for your job. Is alone a lot of the time. Then you say no to the one thing she wanted. Maybe she feels restricted by you currently. Your communication wasn’t great. I have a dog but would never choose a breed that is large requires a lot of grooming/moulting with a young child to care for as well. Could you not live closer to her friends/family?

A dog, any dog, is not going to solve your wife's MH problems. You getting a job that allows you to be a decent family man might. You cannot seriously think working abroad for over a week at a time is OK when your wife clearly needs more support.

You only live there 50% of the time though and given the circumstances her comfort and concerns take priority. Also, you should be contributing to the food and medical bills etc for the dog. And I say that as someone who under no circumstances can be convinced to get a dog.

Not true. Therapists recommend pets in many circumstances when it comes to MH issues

Yes, totally this. Put yourself in her shoes and see how you'd feel.