At loggerheads over dog

[Nate757]

My wife (24f) is a stay at home mum of our daughter (1f) and is struggling with her mental health, especially since I (28m) have started to work away from home about 50% of the time and will be abroad 7-10 days at a time. She loves staying at home with our daughter, but is feeling isolated a she recently moved away from family and friends for my job, she is depressed and due to something that happened in her past, struggles with extreme anxiety being alone in the house at night (she is going to therapy).

She really wants to get a dog, which I am definitely open to. I really would prefer a smaller breed, but she has her heart set on a a Saint Bernard as she grew up with one and adores them. Against my own wishes I agreed on the condition she pays entirely for its food maintenance out of her own money (she has her own little business she makes a couple hundred pounds from every month). My wife was absolutely ecstatic, picked out a puppy she wanted and last week we went to go and collect it. The puppies were adorable, but when I met the mum and saw how big she was I got cold feet, pulled my wife aside and told her I'd changed my mind. So we went home without the puppy.

She initially took it better than I expected and left the breeder's without a row but in the days after her mental health has deteriorated further and I'd be a fool to not see that this is causing major resentment in our marriage.

I feel like such an AH and know I've really hurt my wife by literally pulling out when she had the puppy of her dreams in her arms. I'm just not a fan of big dogs and don't want to live with one. I'm still happy to get a small dog, but my wife says she wants a breed she knows and loves, and a big dog would help her feel safer when she's alone. She doesn't want to comprise.

Am I being unreasonable?

I can only begin to imagine the heartache your wife must be feeling.

However I don't think this was the right choice of breed. If her mental health is precarious, a puppy of any breed may well not be the best solution right now. It's a huge, relentless commitment.

but isn't the hot tub management a straw in the wind? You said you would take on the responsibility and you haven't?

yup but I doubt that any therapist would recommend a St Bernard puppy in a house with a one year old child where one partner is already struggling and the other partner doesn't want a dog!

What you did was cruel.

The compromise is to get a smaller dog that you would be comfortable with. Do some research on breeds you both agree to. And don't make her pay for it all herself, that's just shitty.

To everyone talking about breeds of dogs......................................

You realise this is not about the dog don't you?!

This is about a stressed out young mum with no local support system, solo parenting a young DC for substantial periods of time. An absent 'D'H who undermines previously agreed decisions in the most humiliating and public way with a dash of possible financial abuse.
No wonder she has anxiety and resentment. She has sacrificed so much and OP swans in and out as he pleases. The whole situation is a clusterfuck.

Are you going to come back @Nate757 ?

Just to reiterate ............................ this is not about the dog.

I think, if we had got as far as going to get the puppy, and you then said no, I would have left you with the breeder and gone home with the puppy. Your wife obviously knows the breed, and is confident she can manage a toddler and a dog. St Bernards are, as a rule, good family dogs with the right training. Your wife must be in bits - your timing was well off and you should have done your research fully before you went to get the puppy - I'm not sure I would ever forgive you for doing what you did, and even more so, because your life sounds just peachy and your wife's not so much, and its not as if you can say you didn't know that. It is quite disgraceful that you are pushing the financial responsibility onto your wife for this dog when she clearly has done so much for you, least of all letting you and not the dog back to the house, because its a whole lot more than I would have done.

This
Your a dick ,she needs to be around her friends and family,you should not of made her move

YABVU to have said yes and then said no when she had got her hopes up and was holding the puppy.

I think that’s actually really cruel behaviour and I hope you didn’t do it to be intentionally cruel.

I also think it’s odd that you want her to pay for it out of ‘her’ money.
Its something I would say to a child.

I feel really sorry for her.

A dog should be a joint decision but considering you had already said yes then I think you need to stick to this and tell her to go ahead and get it - as long as you don’t keep changing your mind or punish her for it later on.

I’ve had my dog from nine weeks, so we’ve done all her training. Having said that she’s been a dream come true. She lives to please. I can truthfully say, she’s the very best companion for my mental health. She’s always available for a cuddle, she’s always keen to listen, she’s always pleased to see me and she takes me out twice a day for exercise and the therapeutic effect of green spaces.

yeah I am in the this is not about a dog camp. I don't suppose you got her agreement to the job being as it is - cos she is just a SAHM with a small business. The whole she has to pay for it is a form of FA - you know she can't at the movement but is this how you are about other things too?? There is a real imbalance here and I think you need to step back and reassess your attitude to your wife and her (mental) health. She clearly has some level of ptsd from an event - what are you doing to help her with that besides taunting her about the dog and fucking off over half the time and leaving her to it.

Is it a St Bernard?

There are big dogs and there are Saint Bernards. But getting a small dog like a corgi will not be on the cards.

can you both compromise on size here (which seems to be the issue) and look at a Burmese mountain dog, mastiff, Rottweiler etc?

No argument that the OP's behaviour was awful, but this woman does not know the breed. She knows what its like to be a child with the breed which is completely different, she probably has never had to train a pup, clean up after one or take care of a pup (any pup) and a 1 year old child at the same time. I would suggest that her opinions on what will help and what she can manage are being (not unreasonably) clouded by the horrible situation that she finds herself in but getting a large puppy will not help.

as has been said already on this thread THE DOG BREED IS NOT THE ISSUE

But I'm also not a child - " You can have X if you do Y" is something you say to a toddler not a grown bloody adult.

Which is probably one of the reasons why I'm so bloody stubborn over it now.

Another example, I do all the house admin and since we moved into a new build, the gas smart meter hasn't worked. To me its no biggy, I just give the readings and its better than having to spend ages on hold and deal with a crappy call centre - total time to get the readings, submit them x 36 is less than the hold time to talk to them. DH is of the its a smart meter so it should work, the neighbours have all got theirs working by calling up etc etc.

Recently there is something I want us to do - been told not until I get the Smart meter working.

Again, the way you treat a child. I'm the one doing the readings, no skin of his nose.

Just like the hot tub would be dealt with by me if he left it until it needed doing but he does it long before it needs doing.

did you have her from 7 weeks old? have you also got a 1 year old child?

Why not see if your DW can use ‘borrow my dog’ or something to see if the reality of having a dog is the same as her experience as a child (when she wasn’t responsible for it).

I think the biggest issue here is that she’s moved away and now you are working away.

Why can’t you move back closer to her support unit and then continue working away?
You are working abroad anyway, so moving closer to her support system will have no negative impact on you - in fact it will help you out and take away any guilt you may have.

Then decide whether to get a dog.

YABU - why have you moved if you're not there 50% of the time? Plus you're not sharing finances fully so how much do you pay her directly for your 50% of the parenting that you're outsourcing?

And to actually go and collect the puppy and then say no is awful. I'd have taken the dog and dumped you to be honest (and I dont like dogs that much and would never have one).

honestly that would not have been a good thing for the puppy.

Yes changing your mind is intolerabley cruel

Not something we are all well within our rights to do at all.

but better for the dog.

I think you need to prioritise your wife here, she knows the breed and this is what she wants to make her happier, and frankly it seems a small price to pay or you might be waving good bye to your marriage if she instead decides to end things and move back to her support network. However is a dog going to solve everything? Does she need more support whilst you’re away? And counselling

I was kidding, and I agree with you

Obviously you have behaved unreasonably because you changed your mind. But for the life of me I can't understand why anybody would want a dog with a life span of 8-10 years that can weigh up to 180 pounds. I mean if he wags his tail he's probably going to send the toddler flying. St Bernards require enormous grooming and feeding and the one next door likes to howl at 6 am. I have had all sort of dogs over the years and surely a compromise could be reached. Like a Border Collie or a Labrador.

Incidentally can you beef up home security. My husband worked a away a lot at one stage and I did get nervous on my own at night.