At loggerheads over dog

[Nate757]

My wife (24f) is a stay at home mum of our daughter (1f) and is struggling with her mental health, especially since I (28m) have started to work away from home about 50% of the time and will be abroad 7-10 days at a time. She loves staying at home with our daughter, but is feeling isolated a she recently moved away from family and friends for my job, she is depressed and due to something that happened in her past, struggles with extreme anxiety being alone in the house at night (she is going to therapy).

She really wants to get a dog, which I am definitely open to. I really would prefer a smaller breed, but she has her heart set on a a Saint Bernard as she grew up with one and adores them. Against my own wishes I agreed on the condition she pays entirely for its food maintenance out of her own money (she has her own little business she makes a couple hundred pounds from every month). My wife was absolutely ecstatic, picked out a puppy she wanted and last week we went to go and collect it. The puppies were adorable, but when I met the mum and saw how big she was I got cold feet, pulled my wife aside and told her I'd changed my mind. So we went home without the puppy.

She initially took it better than I expected and left the breeder's without a row but in the days after her mental health has deteriorated further and I'd be a fool to not see that this is causing major resentment in our marriage.

I feel like such an AH and know I've really hurt my wife by literally pulling out when she had the puppy of her dreams in her arms. I'm just not a fan of big dogs and don't want to live with one. I'm still happy to get a small dog, but my wife says she wants a breed she knows and loves, and a big dog would help her feel safer when she's alone. She doesn't want to comprise.

Am I being unreasonable?

I was about to post something very similar. I fear for the poor dog. The DH doesn't really want one and his wife is using it as a crutch. She's come up with this almost childish fantasy idea because she's looking for something to solve her anxiety and unhappiness. It won't and it may actually make it worse. I predict it won't be long before the woman says she can't cope with dog, baby and MH issues and the poor dog is being rehomed, or even put to sleep.

I own a breed of a similar size and a couple of hundred won't be enough. We spend that - and more on just the food. Then there's the vets bills - everything like flea and worm tablets costs more for a giant breed.

Your wife has moved away for you and is now left alone to look after your child most of the time. She is really struggling and has communicated to you what she needs. Let her have what she needs.The fact that you’d make her pay for it out of her very limited funds says quite alot about how you treat your wife. You say you feel guilty, but obviously not enough to support her. I wonder also if the fact that she didn’t react very much when not getting to dog shows that shes learned not to expect you to support her.

Re the choice of breed, I would maybe think differently if she were inexperienced or doesn’t appreciate what’s involved, but in this case she clearly does. Also, as an experienced dog owner, I’d take a large docile dog over a small dog any day of the week! So much easier.

This is the issue. You're making it very difficult for your wife to work. Does she want to be a SAHM with a largely absent partner? What are you doing to find a more family friendly job? Do you earn enough to pay for a nanny so she can work?

Your wife is unreasonable not to compromise on the breed.
You are unreasonable to have agreed and then changed your mind at the last screaming minute
You are massively unreasonable to demand she pay for it all.

A dog is a massive commitment and would make working in the future tricky - children grow up and go to nursery and school thereby freeing up time for your wife to do other things. Having a dog really limits that.

I do understand that having a dog would make your wife feel safer when home alone though. Lots for the two of you to unpick but refusing when the puppy was in her arms just seems unbelievably cruel.

You were totally out of order to agree to have the puppy and pull out at the last minute- once she had the puppy in her arms. You knew the size and type- and she had taken you to see some. There are many issues going round here, her feeling lonely and neglected whilst you go abroad with your big important job- leaving her alone with a young child.

But you were a total sh*t for agreeing, and pulling out last minute. 100%.

Because they moved for his work and then he starting working abroad more than half the time leaving her alone with a one year old? She has anxiety about being alone at night and that's now her reality most of the time. It's different when you have eachother, but she doesn't and sounds very isolated. He also holds the purse strings. It might feel like being stuck in a basement to her!

You're being so unreasonable. Lovely, gentle dogs with wonderful temperaments and would help your wife feel secure? Get a grip of yourself.

Not near as unreasonable as you, she is struggling mentally and has a very young child. She will be struggling more with a dog of that size / work / cleaning after.

A medium dog will protect the house just the same with a lot less work.

Too many idiots on here that just dive straight to 'anti-man' point of view.

As for seeing these dogs at a show, in a massive hall.... doesn't really compute the size until you see it in a normal house.

She's going to pay for a St Bernards food out of the £200 a month she earns?!?! She might have grown up with big dogs but clearly has absolutely no understanding how much they cost to own.

She was a child with the breed....that is not the same as having experience of what needs to be done to bring up and train any dog. I think this is one of those situations where someone really thinks that having/doing something will improve their circumstances but it won't....Not that I am supporting the OP but honestly in these circs getting a St Bernard is not the answer

I’m going to go against the grain and say no

howevrr to do believe you should of done it before going to pick the puppy up

but a dog is a huge huge responsibility and not one taken lightly

i I had a Great Dane cross and there is so much you don’t think of with a huge dog.

YANBU. Puppies are hard work alongside a toddler, I can't imagine how that would help your wife!

On top of that St Bernards are not for the faint hearted, the fur and drool is off the scale!

Why did your wife insist on such a huge, messy, smelly breed when she knew you didn't want a big dog?

It's not as though you refused to consider a dog at all.

You can't trust a dog just because you grew up with that breed. To say you'll only consider one breed is self centred.

Why should your daughter have to tolerate a dog this size, just because her mother won't be flexible and look at dogs better suited to the family?

Ideally you would have made the decision sooner. She's probably upset by the timing, the disappointment. But at least you didn't bring the puppy home first and bond with it.

It's not unusual for families to get a puppy hoping it will be a positive decision, only to rehome it a year or so down the line. Dogs are hard work, they create a lot of extra pressure and worries. Not ideal to get an extra large puppy when you have a young child, especially when your wife will be caring for it alone much of the time and already has mh problems.

Why on earth would anyone want a dog that drools all the time, let alone with a baby. Bonkers.

@Nate757 I think you have made the right decision. A puppy and a baby is not a good idea (I’ve done it!). It’s a very big breed and a big commitment. I don’t think your wife’s problems will be solved by getting a puppy. My DH worked in finance in Germany and France (me in UK) from Monday morning to Friday evening for the first 4 years of our marriage and we had two children in that time. It was good money so we just got on with it. I hope your wife feels better with therapy and as the baby gets older it will get easier. Encourage her to join toddler groups, book club, gym and not be so isolated.

I really can’t see that you have done anything to berate yourself.

Letting your wife choose a puppy and then say no , is a real dick move. You should apologise to her.
However, I don't think getting ANY dog is good for your current situation.

Puppies are hard work and from your post I gather that this would be your first family dog.
There is a huge difference between a dog one has as a child and beeing responsible for their welfare 24/7, plus having a small child.

I think you as a family should concentrate on getting your wife better, and helping her to build up a network of friends before adding more responsibilities.

On a side note, get a dog in 3-4 years time. Do your research, go to Crufts & discover dogs, speak to the owners and breeders! We went, many years ago to find a breed we both agreed on. Plus, my DD (3) was laying on the floor cuddling 2 stuffies! I'll never forget that.

I highly recommend a Tibetan Terrier, perfect guard dog! Deep, carrying bark, lovely temperament as adults.... just the puppy stage is very hard work! They can be proper arseholes...

Eh, I'm not so sure about the money bit. Sounds like he thought it would be a deterrent, after already trying to say no to the dog to no avail, rather than being controlling. He's clearly a bit more passive than people think as he didn't have the stones to say no before they got to the breeder.
I understand how she feels as I'm in the same situation. But I also know that dh would be doing all the heavy lifting when the dogs hips blow out in 6-7 years. Compromising on a bit smaller of a dog seems practical. I get that it doesn't have the same magical feeling to her, but she'll be happier in the long run.

A dog, just like a baby, is not a sticking plaster for poor mental health. Such a large breed (oh and growing up with a breed does not mean you understand it - presumably someone else did the legwork with her childhood pet) is no cake walk and the breed does not absolutely guarantee the personality of a individual animal.
Sounds like she’s identified something that made her happy in the past and is clinging to the hope it would have the same effect now. However if she’s really struggling then the added pressure of taking care of, training and paying for the animal might have very much the opposite effect.

No, it's anti this man

Plenty of people have mental health difficulties and get over them without having a St Bernard.

Apologies OP. I meant to add I agree with this post in general with the exception of your wife wishing a fashion accessory which is obviously not the case. You have asked for opinions so understandably you will receive mixed views. The desire for a dog needs to be mutual or it's unfair on the dog therefore you shouldn't feel guilty.

You're better off backing out at the last minute rather than get the dog and then have to give it up when it becomes too much.

There's a compromise to be had here, for sure.

Definitely get a dog. But a SMALLER dog.

I agree with you on the whole, barring your last paragraph. I think OP's wife wants a St Bernard because it reminds her of her childhood at a time when she is depressed.

We’ve a six stone golden Labrador. She’s a handful, I struggle a bit with her and it’s mainly down to me to walk etc due to failing health of DP. I had my friends cockerpoo last month for a few days and she’s was tiny, no weight at all, excellent recall and a joy to have (even with our dog).

personally knowing the brute strength I have to pull with the lab I think a St Bernard would be a major bind, pups never stay pups.

id definitely recommend a small dog, if she’s set on it can you not borrow one for a week when you’re not there for her to see how she gets on.