At loggerheads over dog

[Nate757]

My wife (24f) is a stay at home mum of our daughter (1f) and is struggling with her mental health, especially since I (28m) have started to work away from home about 50% of the time and will be abroad 7-10 days at a time. She loves staying at home with our daughter, but is feeling isolated a she recently moved away from family and friends for my job, she is depressed and due to something that happened in her past, struggles with extreme anxiety being alone in the house at night (she is going to therapy).

She really wants to get a dog, which I am definitely open to. I really would prefer a smaller breed, but she has her heart set on a a Saint Bernard as she grew up with one and adores them. Against my own wishes I agreed on the condition she pays entirely for its food maintenance out of her own money (she has her own little business she makes a couple hundred pounds from every month). My wife was absolutely ecstatic, picked out a puppy she wanted and last week we went to go and collect it. The puppies were adorable, but when I met the mum and saw how big she was I got cold feet, pulled my wife aside and told her I'd changed my mind. So we went home without the puppy.

She initially took it better than I expected and left the breeder's without a row but in the days after her mental health has deteriorated further and I'd be a fool to not see that this is causing major resentment in our marriage.

I feel like such an AH and know I've really hurt my wife by literally pulling out when she had the puppy of her dreams in her arms. I'm just not a fan of big dogs and don't want to live with one. I'm still happy to get a small dog, but my wife says she wants a breed she knows and loves, and a big dog would help her feel safer when she's alone. She doesn't want to comprise.

Am I being unreasonable?

Well I do apologise😱😱😱😱

If she had a stick she would've hit you with it😂

Against my own wishes I agreed on the condition she pays entirely for its food maintenance out of her own money (she has her own little business she makes a couple hundred pounds from every month).

She should get the dog and find YOU a new home.

she does NOT know the breed. She knows what its like to be a child in the house that has a St Bernard. I am betting that she never had to train it or clean up after it or deal with a very large teenage dog and a 1 year old child. I'd also bet that she is seeing "living with a St Bernard" through the rose coloured glasses of childhood.

nope I believe in R+ training....most of the time for humans and all of the time for dogs 😊

To respond to some of the common points brought up here...

I'm well aware my job/working hours is a huge factor, if not the biggest factor of my wife's current struggles. If I could turn it into a regular 9-5/Mon-Fri job I could, but those jobs simply don't exist in the field I work in. I work hard to support my family financially, and if I were to just quit I couldn't just walk into a new career and still earn my current salary. It's in my contract that I live within a certain amount of miles of my base, which is why we had to move. I really wish I could spend more time at home with my family. In three years time my contract comes up for renewal and I can rethink my job then, until that point it's not really possible for me to just up and leave.

I know I was a complete and utter bastard for backing out of getting the puppy so last minute. I just felt under so much pressure to make my wife happy and give her what she wanted that I agreed even though I wasn't sold on the idea. Despite how I've clearly come across, I love her very much and I do try and support her. It's just this particular issue which we just don't seem to be able to resolve.

As I said I'm happy to get pretty much anything she wants Lab size or under, I really like dogs and have always lived with them myself as a child (JRTs) but just don't want to live with a giant breed.

I told my wife she could have one out of her own money as a deterrent, and because I wanted her to think more seriously about the cost involved of having such a large dog.

My wife is having weekly therapy, and I really encourage her to go to local mother and baby type groups but I think with her current anxiety she finds it quite daunting. I really understand why she wants a dog, and I think it would be a good way of encouraging her to go out of the house. If they made Saint Bernards half the size, I would get her one in a heartbeat

They should get a cat instead!🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

am I now off into the mumsnet hellfire for daring to have a different opinion???😂😂😂

So you get to decide what size dog? It’s your wife who wants a dog and a St Bernard is a breed she knows and loves. You’ve already told your DW that she has to provide for it, so how come you have the deciding vote on the size?

😂

if she gets a puppy the mother and baby group(s) will need to go out the window until the pup can stay home alone.

Which isn’t long to be fair.

how long do you reckon?

I haven't read the whole thread but "making her pay for it out of her own money" like she's your child, whilst even still trying to call the shots further, is infantilising and emotional/financial abuse.

Start treating her like an equal and back the fuck down.

I told my wife she could have one out of her own money as a deterrent, and because I wanted her to think more seriously about the cost involved of having such a large dog.

This is a statement someone might make about their teenager, not their spouse/their equal.

The dog, regardless of the breed, is not the problem in this relationship.

It depends on the puppy really. A big dog will have decent bladder capacity really soon. We crate train and it’s really helpful to get a puppy used to being left for short periods from the start. Never leaving a puppy for will lead to separation anxiety. There’s a window of approximately 16 weeks for puppies to experience as many things as possible.

I think YABU because normally in a decision like this each person involved gets one equal vote. But considering you're not home a significant amount of the time it seems to me your wife should get the deciding vote here. Also your wife's reasons for wanting this type of dog seem stronger to me than you not wanting it. And at the end of the day, the decision between dog and no dog is surely the main thing - how much difference does the size really make compared to a lab which you're willing to get anyway?

It's in my contract that I live within a certain amount of miles of my base, which is why we had to move.

Could your DW not stay back in her home country and then visit your family home when you are home from work.

I know it’s not your fault but you aren’t there half of the time and she is in a completely different country away from her support system.
Of course she’s going to struggle with her MH.

If I was you I would encourage her to put the dog idea on hold and find a way for her to spend the majority of time when you’re not there, back in her home country.

It would only be a temporary solution as the child will need to start school etc but I think this relationship is going to be very short lived if you don’t both come up with a solution where she doesn’t feel so isolated and alone.

Just watch Beethoven. Way too much hard work!

Well, I would avoid a St Bernard because of the drool. That's enough to put anyone who isn't a dog lover off.

I think you allowed yourself to be bulldozed, and that's meant a sad situation. But marriage is a two way thing, both parties should be prepared to make some compromises. Your wife insisting on a huge, slobbery breed is unreasonable.

I think your DW may be only remembering the "good parts" of owning a SB. But with a small child I wouldn't not because they aren't good natured, they are clumsy!!

I actually think a German shepherd would be better suited to your wife's needs and be a good compromise. Or a rhodesian ridgeback if the ridiculous hair shedding could be an issue. Both are loyal and relatively easier to train than other breeds.

Remember that this isn't just about the dog.

It's that he didn't care enough to look in to it properly, and changed his mind based on size - something that would have taken less than 2mins to establish online - when actually picking up the puppy.

Wives don't leave their husbands because the cup was left on the side, not put in the dishwasher. They leave because he didn't care enough to make a bit of effort over something that matters to her, preferring that she gives up her opinion so he doesn't have to lift a finger.

He didn't lift a finger to get to know even the blazingly obvious characteristics of the breed he said "yes" to, preferring instead that she gets let down at a seriously cruel moment

You don't get it

You're a family

She is not working in order to look after your child

You shouldn't have her money and your money - it's all family money

anything else is financial abuse with a SAH parent

What particularly attracts your wife to St Bernard's beyond having grown up with them? You need to get her to consider this and then you need to sit down together and find a breed that you can both agree on and that will suit your lifestyle

it was a very bad way to deal with the situation but i think not intentional. I suspect it was something like he didn't want to do it all along hence (as he has said) the "ok but you can pay for it," which again not a great way to manage the circs.....he thought he could go along with it but when push came to shove he couldn't. Yes he should have been clearer earlier, yes he should have addressed (or helped her to address) her isolation and anxiety issues differently and much earlier. yes he sounds like a total twat but not, I think deliberately cruel.