"School refusal" trend

[ruthxxx0]

Can't help noticing the spike in this over recent times...
In my line of work I'm coming across increasing numbers of families who have child(ren) who "refuse" to attend school... Parents pretty much shrug their shoulder and say things like "I can't make them attend" (we're talking about primary aged children). Or "they don't like the rules/teachers/uniform/the classroom decor..".
I'm from a generation and background where school attendance wasn't a "choice" for children to make then dictate to their parents.
Parents (being the adults!) were the ones who sent the children to school.
Today I met with a family who had allowed their 10 year old to pretty much stay in their bedroom for almost a year, not been to school and didn't seem under any urgency to works towards getting the child back to school.... No mental health concerns (not referred to CAMHS or GP either). The child just "didn't want to go" and parent was ok with this. Just for a quiet life, to avoid the child "kicking off". Like seriously... What's wrong with today's parents?

Both my siblings had issues around school avoidance.

One now (ironically) works in a school the other owns her own business.

Not finishing school doesn’t write you off for the future.

place marking- just got to go and attend to a distressed school refuser.

Let's remember the millions of adults too who are up in arms about going back into the office full time post pandemic... Desperate not to go back in and would quit their jobs if forced to.

I don’t have the energy to go in to it fully but if you are a parent of a child with EBSA then you are basically told it’s your fault, it’s your parenting, it’s your anxiety. Because you know what, it’s a hell of a lot easier for the school to blame parents than it is to address the issues behind school refusal in the child. And most schools don’t have the first clue how to get that child in to school either.

My autistic DS is an occasional school refuser. Attendance at around 80% but mental health and overall learning and academic progress are better with the occasional day or two off than was the case when I was making him go in and he would make himself vomit and then get sent home as sick. When he started talking about thinking about more extensive self-harm than inducing vomiting we needed to change strategy from an approach of encouraging him to stoically bear the pressure of school.

We have a blanket rule of no screens or tech during school hours if he is at home on a school day but he reads or plays lego or does some solo academic work if possible. He knows school is important and goes in if he can.

Fortunately I don't have to give a toss what nasty judgemental people think about my parenting as they have no power over me and their ignorant opinion isn't worth the smallest iota of respect.

Doubt it - it's likely very similar across the UK and not just England.

Parents of refusers, can I please ask, what does your child do all day? It’s a long time since I was at school, but if I wasn’t in school (holidays or unwell) I used to get really bored. Does this happen with your child? Do you have to miss work if they are too young to be left in the house all day?

Oh I know @Leavingonaeasyjetplane but it's turned into an interesting and useful thread despite their shitty intentions.

My kids are autistic. Not quite school refusing but my dd is headed that way. My ds doesn't even have a school place because the LA can't find an appropriate school. That's what drive me mad on all this. The judgement parents get if a child is out of school but when the LA leave my child without education for 2.5 years and counting it's no big deal.

School can be traumatic for ND children. Particularly ones who have their needs dismissed as shit parenting by people such as you OP. Maybe they need understanding and support instead of judgement and criticism- possible that would help them access school.

I'm autistic myself. I remember the trauma that was school. And that was when there were adequate numbers of teachers and the behaviour in class wasn't as extreme as it is today. When I refused to go my mother smacked me. You can't smack children today though.

Yes obviously some of it is shit parenting. And I cross paths with many families who have kids out of school in the home Ed community. Many were school refusing/struggling and home Ed was the only option. Yes some of the are bad parents but most who have had their parenting criticised and blamed for their child's struggles have ND children.

Even calling it school refusal shows your ignorance. I used the term because that the term in the OP but it's properly understood to be anxiety

I try not to get upset and angered at all of the Mumsnet posts from people who have no idea what it's like to live with this awful situation but it's hard.

The last 4 years have been awful for my now 17 year old DD and me / her brother.

Multiple hospital admissions due to serious self harm incidents, 3 overdoses and refusing food. Coming close to jumping off the roof of the building where we were in a meeting with the psychiatrist re a change in her meds, a year of not leaving bed due to anxiety and depression an ASD and later on an ADHD diagnosis. All of this was due to anxiety re school.

So no. It's not a fucking 'trend' . There is an EBSA support thread on here that might be helpful for you to read. If not then the posts on here should give you enough of an insight.

Anyone who suggests that this wouldn't happen to them and if it did they would do XYZ, not give their DC a choice etc doesn't have first hand experience of this.

It's a living hell for any parent going through this. I honestly wouldn't wish it and the effect on their mental health, lives, work, home life on anyone.

DD missed 3 years (full time) after 2 years of gradual decline. She’s just finished her first year at college .. EBSA doesn’t write you off, there is no age limit on leading, you go back to it when you are ready. School does not work for everyone

@InTrainingForChristmas
We home educate them, we provide them with learning opportunities that they cannot access at school

My child says they’re bored all the time. I use my Twinkl account to print some bits and pieces off for her. Luckily I’m still taking a break from work and looking after DD1.

Both my daughters want to attend school, they miss their friends and do actually enjoy learning. It’s awful watching them feel pulled between home and school. I’ve dragged both in, it didn’t work. I’ve restricted all treats, didn’t work, I’ve bribed with everything I possibly could, didn’t work. I’ve been stern and told them we could end up in prison, didn’t work.

It is so much more complex than just making them go. School is a very one size fits all approach to education.

It is to do with the SEND system failing children and families so needs aren’t being met at school. In the past there were resources within school for classroom assistants but now budgets are so tight they are only available to those who have been assessed by the local authority and meets threshold.

Children rarely have diagnosed mental health needs due to extreme pressure on CAMHS. and waiting lists that are years long. Same with autism or ADHD diagnosis. For the same reason referrals are often “bounced back”.

I’ve seen children severely traumatised due to being physically manhandled to school due to threats of prosecution.

it happened in the 70s too, probably less so due to different parenting approaches and there being a greater understanding of trauma and mental health in children.

OP your post is ignorant and inflammatory.

When my dd first started I would ban all screens and she would have to stay in her room with just a book for entertainment. She loved reading so this was fine with her. She actually hasn't refused much and I do think that's because I've ensured it's not fun to stay home. However I can see she would choose to stay home no matter how shit I make it because school is so much worse for her. She's a bright kid who struggles with the social of school so I will be home educating her next year. This is only a possibility for us as I have an autistic child with no school place and the LA have decided he should have EOTAS which is education at home as there won't ever be a school place for him so as I can't work anymore I don't see why my dd should be traumatised.

But I do think most parents of school refusers allow screens and let them entertain themselves. Many don't really have a different option if you are trying to get your own work done or relying on family to have them while you work.

my sister used to do school work at home. I loved learning. She read every book shr could find. She taught herself Japanese. She learned to play piano. She did all herGCSEs a year early and got A/A*
learning wasn’t the issue, school was.

When my dd was trying to attend school, she was too unwell to be bored if she stayed home. She was burnt out and shut down to the point that she couldn’t even manage a ten minute walk. She basically shut down and stayed in her room.

Now she’s home educated, she does a variety of things. She goes to groups, works on projects at home, sees friends, goes out and about.

And yes, I had to significantly reduce my hours. Lots of parents have to.

I have a DD who I battle with to get to school and who I battle with to keep at school. Every week I get messages asking to come home.

It's anxiety. Being home during Covid showed her that not going to school was a legitimate possibility.

I have managed to keep her attendance up at over 96% but every single % is a battle. I've been in tears over it.

There's a lot going on for my DD. CAMHS met us twice and think she's AuADHD (told me I probably was too 😱) and have asked the school to do the referral but nothing will happen now till the school holidays are over.

Parents and carers will be in absolute bits about this.

It's fucking difficult. It's the old walk a mile in our shoes scenario...

I judged until it happened to me. Undiagnosed autistic daughter, who'd struggled post-lockdown to go back to school, one day point blank refused to get out of the car and had a huge panic attack. When you see genuine fear in your child's eyes, you don't put them through that.

And CAMHS? 18 months on I'm still waiting for something, anything from the NHS for her mental health or neurodiversity assessment. In that time, she's attempted suicide, self harmed and developed an eating disorder. I went private to get anti-anxiety meds. Her education right now is the least of my worries.

You're wrong to say it didn't happen in the 70s / 80s though. I remember a kid in my class in middle school would turn up every morning, get marked in the register and then walk out the school gates.

No amount of bribery or sternness will cure school related anxiety.

That's a very big generalisation. On the topic of resilience, most people feel relieved and slightly prouder of themselves if they pushed through a situation made them anxious. Children's minds are simpler and if they associate attending a day of school with a positive reward at the end of the day or week, then than alone is often enough to reframe the experience for them. It's basically CBT and exposure therapy. By conquering something they want to avoid (with added incentives like toys or whatever) then they feel slightly more capable of coping with the same situation again.

And this works with ND kids as well, albeit dependant on level of severity. People here are using autism and neurodiversity like be all and end all argument. If a child is proven ND then their brains can't possibly adapt to a neurotypical environment. I will get lots of hate for saying this but I daresay they do. Look up neuroplasticity and the theory of post traumatic growth. I believe that neurodivergent children with lower support needs can benefit from being in a school where they are treated the same as everyone else but also have the benefits of finding friendships with like-minded kids and experiencing all the "core memories" that are a vital part of childhood. Birthday parties, school events, school dances, being part of a sports team, contributing to school publications, having crushes, first dates etc.

One can argue those are vital parts of the human experience. Virtually all songs, TV shows, movies and literature are built around core elements of social interaction. A key complaint of ND people is that they feel left out in groups and always "different" or lonely or hated that they felt like others didn't like them. However they still innately crave connection, often more intensely than NT people. I can't think of anything more detrimental than a ND child who gets taken out of school and spends all day on their phones consuming content created about human interaction, but never ever getting to experience it themselves. It's condemning them to a life of being an observer and always being on the outside looking in.

Again, well aware that if school refusal has worsened to the point of hysteria and physical then this isn't possible. But a key role as a parent would be to build up the social structure of school so the child genuinely enjoys being there for things other than just learning. Play dates, contact with other parents, volunteering, parties, PTA whatnot. Don't think it's a coincidence that kids who thrive most at school tend to be the children of PTA mums or kids of teachers who have that inner circle where everyone knows each other.

I think you'll find the difference is Ofsted, which came in in the mid 90's. They weren't quite so serious to start with but now attendance is one of the criteria schools are judged against during an inspection. They even look at what work is being sent home for students who aren't attending school. This has put more pressure on the schools to get students to attend and in turn the schools put more pressure on the families. Not necessarily the best solution.

@InTrainingForChristmas

I remember getting bored too. But that was a couple of days here and there being off for tonsillitis or an ear infection.

Regular refusal (the term is EBSA rather than refusal) is completely different.

In most cases (and certainly in my DDs case) she wanted nothing more than to be in school with her friends. It's can't not won't. She spent the whole of year 9 under her duvet depressed, anxious and crying.

It's not a case of 'don't they get bored' ? It goes way beyond that. They can't do it and no amount of tech / no tech/ TV/ gaming will replace the wish that they could just be 'normal' and go to school every day.

The year in bed self harming was the worst but even after that when things got a bit better once she was on various medications, the most she managed was watching stuff on the laptop wishing she could leave the house but blocking out the anxiety she felt about falling so far behind ar school and not fitting in with her friendship group any more.

If she couldn't make it into school (v sporadic over the following 3 years) then she wasn't 'up' enough to engage with school work at home either. If she felt ok to do work then she'd make it into school.

Schools are reluctant to self work home in case it encourages them to stay off school.

Even now, many schools have very outdated and uninformed views on what the problem actually is, like quite a few posters on Mumsnet.

As many have have been through this have already said , unless you have first hand experience of this , a completely isolating, depressing and all consuming experience then it's not wise to judge.

No, I don’t. I’ve seen no evidence of that at our current school.

I disagree it’s a massive generalisation. Maybe if the child doesn’t truly have EBSA and is pushing boundaries it may work. But for most, who find school utterly distressing, it won’t.

You only have to look at all the EBSA guidance to see that.

Incredibly tiny baby steps.

Don't think it's a coincidence that kids who thrive most at school tend to be the children of PTA mums or kids of teachers who have that inner circle where everyone knows each other.

I don't agree with a lot of what you say, but this takes the biscuit.

Try this when they get to secondary school and see where that gets you

I was on the PTA, have a big circle of local friends and our kids were always friends too. No amount of this changed what my teen DD has been through the last 4 years.

Thank you to all those that answered my questions.
It makes for some upsetting reading.it’s obviously getting to be a big problem particularly since Covid.
I wish you all well.