"School refusal" trend

[ruthxxx0]

Can't help noticing the spike in this over recent times...
In my line of work I'm coming across increasing numbers of families who have child(ren) who "refuse" to attend school... Parents pretty much shrug their shoulder and say things like "I can't make them attend" (we're talking about primary aged children). Or "they don't like the rules/teachers/uniform/the classroom decor..".
I'm from a generation and background where school attendance wasn't a "choice" for children to make then dictate to their parents.
Parents (being the adults!) were the ones who sent the children to school.
Today I met with a family who had allowed their 10 year old to pretty much stay in their bedroom for almost a year, not been to school and didn't seem under any urgency to works towards getting the child back to school.... No mental health concerns (not referred to CAMHS or GP either). The child just "didn't want to go" and parent was ok with this. Just for a quiet life, to avoid the child "kicking off". Like seriously... What's wrong with today's parents?

All entirely possible, hence my 🤷🏾‍♀️.

I'm sure the issue is manifold, so your concerns will be as valid as the OP's.

My daughter came out of COVID and anxious wreck not wanting to go to school, bolting out of class in tears, refusing to engage with counselling etc, so I appreciate the pressure.

I spent many days feeling like an evil witch, worrying about her, waiting for school to call me, ready to spend the evening hugging and reassuring etc... but...

Keeping her home with me ( I work full-time from home) because she may be exhausted or otherwise was a slippery slope (in my opinion), so I didn't encourage it. Instead we spent Saturday and Sunday recharging. Thankfully, while we still have blips 3 years later, the worst is behind us.

A mixture of dragging, bribery, threats and a big dose of the tough tits I mentioned earlier. Still I somehow managed to survive!
There just was no choice. Staying at home in favour of going to school just wasn’t an option.

So much more to it. What a way to make parents who are struggling feel even shitter.

Goady AF. You have zero idea of the turmoil these families are in.

And when this doesn’t work?

My friends son does exactly this! He stopped going to school when he was 10 because he didn't want to go? They say they can't make him, he has been to school maybe a week in total in the last 3 years and everyone seems to be ok with that?

Those children will have hopefully recovered enough to be aware of their needs and or end up in assisted living.

Who is going to fund assisted living for 20% of the population? Even if the government gave their full support and even if high earners agreed to a 50% tax rate like the many European countries, it's simply not feasible on any level.

Of course, there are going to be exception cases of very bright but anxious kids going on to excel after being taken out the school, but the vast majority of refusers just seem to be idling away their time online. Based on the bell curve, not every school refuser can statistically be outstanding. The majority will be average and compounded with a lack of education, find it even harder to get meaningful work.

It sounds like a ticking time bomb. Even if bunking off was a thing in the 70s-80s, the job market and COL were entirely different. You can do manual work and still support a family. Or buy a house. Businesses were local and people were able to make a living by offering a small service for your community. Now everything has become harder and faster and more competitive at breakneck speed. If you start a shop you can easily be put out of business by cheap shopping apps.

The other extremely worrying factor is that an astronomical number of jobs will be replaced by AI in the next 10-20 years. These are excellent, white collar jobs that require full schooling and university degrees like copywriting, art, design, translation, etc. So even for people who pursued education, there's no guarantee their services will be needed by society.

Even the title of your thread is goady,

Why would a parent ‘make’ their child go somewhere that makes them deeply unhappy? You’re also obviously unfamiliar with the recommended approach for children with EBSA, which is a zero pressure approach. Pressure increases anxiety which makes the situation worse.

Personally, I value my child’s mental health and wellbeing (and my own) above school attendance. And see no benefit in forcing a child into school, when the environment traumatises them.

They can indeed utterly get fucked. A discussion with parents supporting each other with children that are distressed in school setting sure. The op's intention was not to support but condem.

Also what a crying shame you’re in whatever line of work it is that you come across these families.

What hope is there when even the professionals have these shitty opinions themselves. 😩

I wish I'd had parents who loved me enough to realise how very much I was suffering in school and didn't insist I keep going despite me sometimes throwing up from stress beforehand. It was cruel and damaged me deeply.

I left school with PTSD, in the end I couldn't bear it anymore and ended up bunking in libraries to get off of school.

Each generation is less conformist to authority. If today's children have the courage to insist on their own self-preservation and some parents are wise and intuitive enough to sense their distress, Good on them. Brilliant. Thinks need to change, too many children have been put through psychological and emotional anguish, which has been dismissed because they are children and therefore have no right to a sense of self, unlike adults in the workplace who magically do.

Well I don’t know about that because it did with me and I was only talking about my own experience.

I hated every second of national school and secondary school. Left at 16 due to ramped up bullying the school ignored.

Much later on I did a university degree without a Leaving Cert (Ireland). I found out I am severely dyslexic at 32 as a mature student in college. Now over 50 and the thought of school still fills me with dread.

Still am not academic though.

I hated school. I would have been a school refuser given half a chance.

I am over 60. When l was in Primary School a boy in my class ran home on numerous occasions. Schools in the country side weren't locked up then. Some mornings as soon as his dad dropped him he ran before entering the building. He was a school refuser.
Also at that time a lot of children left school early. They didn't need to stay until they were 18. It was more acceptable to give up and look for work. My own dad left school at 14 and was extremely literate and an avid reader all his life but he wanted to farm. Was he a school refuser? He definitely would not have stuck it for 4 more years. In my school we could garden and sew and do pottery etc. Schools have become too rigid with little scope to diversify depending on the children in front of you. I have been a teacher for over 40 years and absolutely hate how rigid it has become. I am in lreland and by all accounts the UK is worse.

I don’t want my child to survive my parenting. I want to support her to thrive.

And that’s the issue with most of the replies on these threads. What works for one child will not work for another.

My child will now run away from school in fear of being dragged in. We have had to agree to risk assessments being made for her. Fat lot of good dragging did.

No amount of bribery or sternness will cure school related anxiety.

The country I'm in (in the British isles) has a lot of Ukrainian refugees, women with children.
There's hardly any school refusal amongst the Ukrainian refugee children.

And op still not back .. what a surprise

@ruthxxx0 my son is 3.5 yo. He cried every day at part time nursery from the age of 9m to 3 years. I moved him to a montessori school when he was 3 and he was hysterical every morning, removing his clothes to avoid leaving, crying he didn't want to go, refusing to eat breakfast, refusing to eat lunch there. He also hit, bit, kicked and threw things at me because he didn't want to go. When i dropped him off the other kids would ask me why he cried all of the time. It was physically and mentally draining all round to get him to school, but we carried on for 4 months until i couldn't do it anymore. He had become very withdrawn during this time and was a different child - a very unhappy one
I then moved him to a smaller preschool and he has thrived since, he is so much happier. He's also having an assessment for autism and it's looking likely that he is autistic. Most days he wants to go to school and it is so much better than before, but some days he really struggles and we have been up to an hour late. Fortunately his school is really sympathetic and understanding.

I found you post OP to be completely tone deaf and infuriating. If you've ever had to spend 45 mins convincing an almost 4 year to keep their clothes on/get dressed because they don't like short sleeves/labels/textures - it's a battle. Some days he can't cope with the noise of the traffic on the way to school. Each day brings a new challenge for us. Some mornings everything is hard for him.

But don't you dare accuse me of being too lazy to get him to school. Have you ever tried picking up an almost 4 year old and carrying them for 15 mins to get to school whilst they are kicking and screaming, because i have.

Maybe look at what schools could be doing to help those struggling to get to school

And OP its not a bloody trend

So bribery and threats worked on you. They don't on many children. They cause huge huge stress in my child that has resulted in dangerous self harm. I suppose you could liken it to how I imagine you or I would feel if offered a million pounds to murder someone, or threatened with violence to your loved ones if you didn't murder someone. You'd feel desperate and panicked.

Not entirely sure what tough tits is in this context, if you mean it was your parents being tough, again this doesn't work for many children.

I couldn't drag my child the 1.5km to school if I wanted to.

None of those is a solution for my child.

It’s a worldwide thing, started in Covid.

Main causes are either DP neglect or DC ND says the New Yorker.

Either way it needs fixing - jobs for illiterates are disappearing fast in Europe and the US, as well as China and India.

Changes in UK law are being mooted.

School is a hell hole now as it was for me in the 80s. With so much focus and awareness on mental health, it is only right we listen to kids when they say they hate school.

Nasty exam factories that they are.

And funnily enough no sign of any response from the OP. No magical solutions then?

It's always happened there was 2 brothers in my year at school the same year but not twins. They were absent quite a lot. The day after one absense I recall our teacher reading out a note off their mum. It just said they slept in until 10'clock.

We had a unit that supported kids who struggled to stay in mainstream schools. One lad that went was in my form. He went 2 days a week on the condition he attended school 2 days a week.That place closed in the late 90's. We were in German when I stuard opened the door anounced I think this is yours and chucked him in the room. Us being 11 thought it was hilarious. But that boy was obviously neglected. A teacher went to his house to get him to bring him into school mainly so he would get his FSM. I remember his school shirt being yellow. But that boy would sing at our school discos. He was really good.

In the 90's I often used to drop my ex's daughter off. I often used to see a mum trying to get her son into school. He was fighting her off doing all he could to prevent going in the school. My cousin with SN went to the same school and did really well.

I don't think the pandemic helped. Kids and parents got used to to staying home.