"School refusal" trend

[ruthxxx0]

Can't help noticing the spike in this over recent times...
In my line of work I'm coming across increasing numbers of families who have child(ren) who "refuse" to attend school... Parents pretty much shrug their shoulder and say things like "I can't make them attend" (we're talking about primary aged children). Or "they don't like the rules/teachers/uniform/the classroom decor..".
I'm from a generation and background where school attendance wasn't a "choice" for children to make then dictate to their parents.
Parents (being the adults!) were the ones who sent the children to school.
Today I met with a family who had allowed their 10 year old to pretty much stay in their bedroom for almost a year, not been to school and didn't seem under any urgency to works towards getting the child back to school.... No mental health concerns (not referred to CAMHS or GP either). The child just "didn't want to go" and parent was ok with this. Just for a quiet life, to avoid the child "kicking off". Like seriously... What's wrong with today's parents?

Op I find it very hard to believe that you work in a job where you come into contact with many “ school refusers” the fact that you use that type of language makes me doubt it even more. I do in fact work for a service where children are referred to us by schools, CAMHS, GP’s and other professionals as well as concerned parents, we receive 20 - 30 referrals every week. Many of these children ( not all) get referred to us because the child is unable to attend school regularly or at all. We require full details of what has been happening, what has already been tried by the schools ( sometimes the schools really could do better) and any background information about the child and the family. There are detailed descriptions of children not being able to attend school following verbal or physical bullying and even sexual assault, other cases where the child has SEN and their needs are not being met often because the school lacks staffing or resources ( yes schools actually write this on the referral forms) Children being overwhelmed with school anxiety from age 5 up to age 17. Children who cannot leave their homes never mind attend school.
I can hand on heart say I have never seen a referral from a school or anyone else that says the child’s non attendance is due to lazy ineffective parenting and I’ve sadly seen plenty of referrals.

@User235648 you clearly don't seem to know anything about autism or ND kids.

" I can't think of anything more detrimental than a ND child who gets taken out of school and spends all day on their phones consuming content created about human interaction, but never ever getting to experience it themselves."

If they are 'taken out of school' then they become home educated, and home educated children are generally very busy and see many people in a variety of different settings (unless they are still deep in an initial burnout caused by a trauma that led to the deregistration in the first place).

Tend to agree. Years ago it wasn't really heard of.
You just knew you had to go to school and you went unless you had a temperature or something.

Interestingly it's a phenomenon all over the world, even in countries with vastly different social norms and attitudes towards individualism, duty, discipline etc, eg China and Japan from what I understand.

So much ignorance on this thread.

https://www.ipsea.org.uk/school-anxiety

I'm in my 50s and was a school refuser!

Have you ever heard of "masking", or "fight, flight, freeze, fawn"?

Masking is where an autistic (or otherwise ND) child pretends to be NT to avoid bullying or harassment - it takes a lot of effort and can lead to burnout and other mental health issues but it means they look "fine".

Freeze and Fawn are alternative ways in which a stress response to a perceived existential threat can manifest - the children who are aggressive or run when traumatised are very visible but the others look quiet, shy, well-behaved, rule-following and obedient - they are absolutely terrified of getting something wrong because their bodies are telling them it might be deadly. Much as people tend to be terribly obedient and submissive to someone waving a gun. They look "fine" too - often like a model student!

In both cases they won't look so compliant and quiet once they are safely released from the situation and they won't be in a hurry to go back in!

My dc was also ‘fine once in school’. Masking is powerful.

You sound extremely ill-informed.

We understand neuroplasticity. No amount of brain development is going to make an autistic person not autistic (and nor should that be a goal).

We know about graded exposure. We also know that this shouldn’t be applied to sensory overload. Because learning to mask is a recipe for burnout. And because pushing through only makes things worse. We want to teach our children to manage their own sensory and social needs, to know when to stop, withdraw, etc and not put themselves in situations that aren’t good for them.

I only wish I’d learnt this before my forties, because it’s been life changing since.

@User235648 you are also talking a whole load of bollocks about the PTA and play dates. Many autistic children will be completely unable to cope with extra social interaction and activities once they’ve been at school for six hours. And those kind of things are often a nightmare for autistic kids. It’s not learning that’s the issue. The structured learning part is the least problematic aspect.

You also don’t know what you’re asking of autistic parents there, and a lot of autistic kids will have autistic parents. Those situations are just unpleasant for me as an autistic adult. So you’re asking me to spend my life doing those things when I’m already burnt out from the meltdowns that result from school attendance. You’re asking me to compromise my mental health as well as my child’s, while we all spend our lives masking? And you think that will make us happy and confident over time? I tried that for forty years (and actually did join the PTA, it didn’t transform my children’s school experience!). So no thanks.

School is a very one size fits all approach to education.

I think this just about sums it up. School isn’t just a building, it’s a system. A system that suits the majority, but by no means everyone. My 15yo has just completed a week of very physical work experience. They worked him like a dog🤣 But he really enjoyed it because he was on his feet, moving around, doing lots of different things. He’s very bright, but bored and unhappy at school, frequently zoning out in class. He’s awaiting ASD assessment.

I understand that school can’t be bespoke, but it seems obvious to me that it isn’t going to suit everyone, for a variety of different reasons. You can’t hammer square pegs into round holes.

My ASD child has thrived since moving to a mainstream private school that has proper discipline. No cacophony of notice in corridors WHB changing class. No classmates throwing chairs at teachers. No random acts of violence between pupils in the grounds either. The difference it has made is astonishing. We as a nation need to ensure pupils start respecting each other and teachers.

I think people have forgotten the lockdown experience for many children.
During the first lockdown we were given no home work at all, so my DC could play and be at home, which was their safe place. They were happy.

Second and third lockdowns I was expected to juggle a toddler and then force primary aged children to do phonics, watching one of the teachers from their school from a YouTube link. They didn’t see their class mates and it wasn’t even ‘their’ teacher.

Of course they didn’t want to do the home school. Of course they didn’t want to go back. Their friendships were fractured. They had no routine and they had learnt that ‘school’ was a few minutes a day watching YouTube.

I don’t know what people were expecting? Every child to skip back to a desk 5 days a week? No one gave a shit about school attendance for 2 years. That was obviously going to have an impact on attendance after.

I used to judge the parents too, until I had an autistic 6 year old who school refused! He mostly goes in, but it has been mortifying when he won’t. He’s too big to carry, will attack me if I try and no threats make a difference.

So Karma came to bite me and I have a lot more sympathy now that I’ve lived it!

Our 12 year old had what was effectively a nervous breakdown at the point of moving up to secondary school. She was basically catatonic; I had to feed her, shower her etc. She's autistic.

Now, she goes to school every day. Her attendance is about 70%. I have to go up to the school twice a day to meet her to re-regulate. This is a big improvement from me having to sit in the corridor the whole time while she went to lessons. Don't you dare make out like I don't care about education or that I "let" her stay at home on her reduced timetable. It takes almost all of the household's emotional energy to support her to go as much as she can, which is NOT 32.5 hours a week (often around 25). It's the right choice - she has some wonderful moments, recently sports day and winning a poetry award - and more good days than bad at the moment.

School refusal (or EBSA) has always existed. Did you not have any persistent skivers? Or a kid who you just didn't see again after Christmas in a year 8 even though they were still on the register? Or kids who spent the entire school day in the nurse's office?

Otoh it's nice to be thought of as "trendy" for once in my life 😂

you don't know what's going on behind closed doors and you sound fucking judgemental.

Fwiw, I have a school refusing child (some of the days). Severe depression, severe anxiety, delusions, a huge host of sensory issues, self harming, suicidal undiagnosed autism (everyone involved agrees DC is autistic but we are only 1 year into a 6 year waiting list). Camhs have no resources for talking therapy so we can get only medication, in the absence of a formal autism diagnosis, school refuse to make a number of adaptations, they need a sensory assessment by OT but the local NHS stopped doing anything sensory. The only option would be for school to fund it (which, surprise surprise, they won't as they don't have yne funds either). It's a child with very complex needs and with the current systems (both health and education) cannot get their needs met. DC is spiralling into a very dark place.

So fuck of to the far side writing about kids who follow the 'trend' of school refusing. You have clearly no understanding of the underlying mechanisms

Tell me you've never had a school refuser without telling me you've never dealt with a school refuser. 😂

Try doing that to a child that is taller and stronger than you. what utter bollocks @theeyeofdoe .

I just wanted to let you know that this post, together with one that wants to blame parents for causing their children's autism, was the final straw that made me break down in tears in the shower this morning. It has been a shit academic year.

DD spent nearly a year getting terribly distressed about going into school in 2019/20 when she was 7 (note that this was before Covid so not down to us taking school attendance less seriously following lockdown 🙄). We dragged her in kicking and screaming, which some here might find laudable but I now regret. It led to an autism diagnosis and in fact the lockdown break was very helpful for her and she was keen to go back afterwards.

Given her history and the fact that so many autistic girls struggle with the transition to secondary school, we applied for an EHCP for her in the hope of finding her an appropriate, supportive school placement for Year 7 onwards. This was refused and so we sent her off to the excellent but huge local comprehensive where her sister is thriving and has great attendance.

The wheels fell off from the very first evening and by the time she left at Easter, her attendance was down to 59%. This is despite me going along to provide reassurance several times a day. We pulled her out and enrolled her in an online school, which thankfully is working out really well but she misses the social side of things and PE. We are also about to start private therapy as the CAMHS waiting list here is 17 months and growing. We are so fortunate to be able to do this for her.

Sadly anxious autistic girls are the bottom of the priority list for the limited SEND support that is on offer. If we'd left her at her physical school it's likely she would have burnt out and the council would have been on our backs about attendance (although the school were very supportive and shielding us from that) despite not being willing to grant an EHCP or provide timely mental health support. I was not willing to let that happen and risk the awful mental health consequences that you sadly hear about all too often. I really feel for those who have no other option - no parent would choose to be in this position.

Some of the responses on this thread are so ridiculous they make me want to laugh & some make me want to cry! The idea of just picking up an older child & carrying them in to school- pfft! I’d love to see some of the judgemental posters on this thread try some of their brilliant techniques!
What I have found reassuring is how many of us are dealing with this issue & how much understanding there is generally on mn about it now (obviously there will always be ignorant people).
I do think there should be a rule against starting a thread like this, upsetting loads of people and walking away (I know that’s impossible really). Very cowardly of you OP.

If a child is kicking off and refusing to go then I don't think you can force them.

One of mine refused to go one day in year 3, claimed to be ill. I didn't believe him so dragged him there anyway but I couldn't get him through the door. We ended up in a room with the headteacher and he was still point blank refusing so we just got sent home.

If that was my life every day then I can imagine it would be a whole lot more difficult and he would have had a lot more time off.

As far as I'm concerned school isn't optional and I've told this to my kids but they have their own minds so it's not always parents being lazy. There will be some who have the wrong attitude but it's not everyone.

I think you're in the wrong job.

@ItssssAMeMariooo92

❤️

YANBU. I can well imagine the reaction from my parents if I’d tried to refuse school as a child, even though for a while I wasn’t happy there. Unless you were ill, it was simply non-negotiable.

Obviously there are extreme cases, but in general, IMO the sooner children learn that we all have to do things we don’t necessarily like, the better.