"School refusal" trend

[ruthxxx0]

Can't help noticing the spike in this over recent times...
In my line of work I'm coming across increasing numbers of families who have child(ren) who "refuse" to attend school... Parents pretty much shrug their shoulder and say things like "I can't make them attend" (we're talking about primary aged children). Or "they don't like the rules/teachers/uniform/the classroom decor..".
I'm from a generation and background where school attendance wasn't a "choice" for children to make then dictate to their parents.
Parents (being the adults!) were the ones who sent the children to school.
Today I met with a family who had allowed their 10 year old to pretty much stay in their bedroom for almost a year, not been to school and didn't seem under any urgency to works towards getting the child back to school.... No mental health concerns (not referred to CAMHS or GP either). The child just "didn't want to go" and parent was ok with this. Just for a quiet life, to avoid the child "kicking off". Like seriously... What's wrong with today's parents?

That sounds so hard. I'm so sorry that things have worked out like this for you. I hope you get some help and your situation improves xxx

"Trend" is an incredibly insulting and incendiary way to describe what many parents are going through.

Yeah, I just loved joining in the "trend" of getting punched, scratched, kicked, bitten (to the point of drawn blood) by my then 6yo as I attempted to wrestle (yes, wrestle - deeply damaging and completely ineffective) her into her uniform, down the stairs, into the car, into her seatbelt (she broke the seat in half during one escape attempt) etc.

I especially loved the part where she became so broken, she lay in bed naked, clawing at her hair and screaming "it annoys me!" while refusing to eat breakfast. At 6 years old. She didn't just stop attending school, she gave up everything she'd previously enjoyed - after school classes, friendships, parties, leaving the house. And then, for us, there's all the disapproving looks, the judgement from people like you. There is no 999 for mental health, and no support for undiagnosed children and their families. We paid a private specialist. We're fortunate, we could afford it, to help get her back to functioning. How many parents, in the current cost of living crisis, afford that specialist support when the NHS fails them?

Dd's breakdown brought my family to its knees. She was not naughty, she was distressed. I beat myself up every single day that I didn't realise it at the time. Two years down the line and she's finally been referred for assessment. The wait is another two years.

So you have absolutely no fucking idea what you're talking about, op. Your comments are deeply offensive to parents of undiagnosed ND children of all ages.

I can only speak from my personal experience but lockdown had a huge impact on my DD. Prior to this she was outgoing, active, daring. Typical 7 year old. Now she is an anxious 11 year old who, on some days, can’t face leaving the house, including attending school.

after lots of work, I’ve finally seen things from her point of view. During key formative years, she learned that outside was dangerous and scary. Mixing with people could literally kill the those she loved. Home became her only safe space. She’s struggling to brush off those beliefs.

We are getting there but I do wonder who she’d be now if covid was never a thing.

You're not alone, and I'm very sorry that bigoted and insensitive threads like this brought you to tears. Please know that there are many, many of us out there who totally understand, because we too walk in similar shoes it every day.

Thank you @Whatafustercluck. Hang in there, the end of term is in sight!

These children are not “unhappy”, they are severely distressed. You cannot discipline it out of them!

Indeed - one study found that 94% of school attendance problems were underpinned by significant emotional distress and 92% of these students were neurodivergent. (Of course, many would like to blame this neurodivergence on parents too - refrigerator parenting/poor diet/what we did during pregnancy...)

School distress and the school attendance crisis: a story dominated by neurodivergence and unmet need - PubMed (nih.gov)

You really haven't got a clue. These aren't children chancing their arm for a day off school. These are children who are deeply distressed by the school environment for many different reasons. Do you think I should march my child to school every day when his OCD is telling him that every surface, every human, even the air, is contaminated? It is like hell on earth to him. And the vast majority of parents who keep their school refusing children at home, do so for their own very valid reasons. These aren't children who are a bit shy or a bit lazy or who just can't be arsed. These are children who are very often neurodivergent and find school to be a place of torture, of sensory overload and relentless stress. I regret pushing my child into school as often as I did, for fear that he wasn't conforming to what's 'normal'. I wish I hadn't ignored the distress signals he was sending out to me every day, begging me not to put him through something that was pure torture to him. I'm his mum and I wish I had listened. I imagine the vast majority of parents of school refusers would prefer that their children trotted off happily to school every day and that they weren't dreading the meltdowns and phone calls and endless negotiations and bribery and cajoling. It's not a fucking lifestyle choice you know.

Aside from the practical logistics of carrying a teenage child into school, how many parents can seriously drag their extremely distressed child into a place that clearly they cannot cope with.

@Kta7 would you mind sharing the online school you use please?

This is really really sad and I hope they’re better now.

im wondering though how you prepped them for adulthood? Qualifications etc? Getting a job and holding it down when times are tough.

I should add there’s no judgement from me. My kids are at school and happy and I thank my lucky stars for that. It must be very difficult to have been in your situation.

If you've read the thread, is this honestly what you have to offer?

Of course there are children who genuinely can’t cope with school who will be being failed by the education system. I think since covid there’s been a massive increase in taking about mental health which has lead to a pathologising of totally normal childhood feelings which hasn’t actually helped children.

We’ve had a drama filled year at school and it’s all come from the parents, some of whom seem to have no problem including children in conversations that shouldn’t involve children and just ended up causing them distress.

We also had a family who have 3 children where the oldest one hasn’t been to school for 6 years. The middle child recently decided that they weren’t going to go to school either (the school had been incredibly accommodating with late arrivals, not turning up at all, putting things in place to ease transitions etc) and one of the parents posted on SM that the school was failing his DC as it wasn’t their (the parents) job to get their child to school. We had other children who would also be classed as refusers who were frankly just indulged by their parents. For some, it seems to be easier to blame the school than take responsibility for parenting your child (Disclaimer: I know that most parents do parent their child and that there are genuine reasons for school refusal, but at our school that has not been the case and yes, I do know the circumstances of the children involved)

There are 3 sets of posters on this thread as far as I can see it.

Those who have never had any first hand experience of any sort of EBSA with their own children (and I'm not including primary school kids who cry because they don't want to go in some days. We have all had that.
I'm talking about the 'this would never happen in my house, take their phones away, just pick them up and take them in' brigade.

Then there are those who haven't got first hand experience of it but have the empathy to read about those who have and understand how hard it must be.

Then there are those (me included) who have tried every single approach , read every piece of information, spend their lives worrying about their DC and feeling isolated themselves, stay in touch with the school as much as possible to show we are trying, seek medication and counselling for our kids as they are so unhappy, in many cases can't leave the house for fear of what our kids might do to themselves.. all of this whilst being judged by the first set of people on this thread.

Have PM'd you

Parents pretty much shrug their shoulder and say things like "I can't make them attend" (we're talking about primary aged children). Or "they don't like the rules/teachers/uniform/the classroom decor..".

I knew how your post would be received but the reality is that so many parents fail their children by not giving a damn, it's always someone else's problem to solve.

I forced my daughter in. She ended up having a massive overdose at 14 and when admitted to high dependency it was discovered she was Anorexic and had been self harming to cope.

Whilst extremely apathetic parents might not even be bothered to dress and take a young child to school, this is an extreme and the much wider cohort of semi-neglectful adults might prefer to drop them off so no further parental care is needed until the mid-afternoon. This is a whole landscape of its own, but doesn't overlap particularly with EBSA.

Where there are families with more than one child that struggles to attend, its not necessarily to do with the parents. Neurodiversity is genetic so quote likely more than one child in the family is ND.

@lavenderlou

Agreed. In my case I don't think my teen DS is DD whereas my older teen DD is most definitely and has had an awful time on it.

Unfortunately the knock on effect of this is its now getting harder to get my DS in as he really looks up to her. They are great friends and he also thinks its really unfair that she doesn't 'have' to go in (because she can't) and he has to leave the house every day. Particularly on the days when I am wfh as there is less sense of momentum in the house! It's a nightmare..

*sorry is ND

Personally I think there are two very different things MAINLY at play here.

1. Overly permissive parenting with no/ poor boundaries

2. Neurodiversity.

For the latter, and having some of the heartbreaking stories on here I entirely appreciate that a traditional school environment is incredibly challenging and totally understand why this can lead to school refusing.

However for the former... I work with preschoolers and am shocked daily by what is allowed by parents under the guise of "gentle parenting." It's like we have lost the ability to be the parent and stand up to our children.
It's not a stretch to imagine when a child says "I'm not going to school" as they all do at points that the parent doesn't parent them again and make them go.
What does that then translate to in adults? In my opinion it's a shockingly poor work ethic. My husbands business has constant people taking days off constantly at the drop of a hat for everything and nothing, and bluntly most of the worst offenders are under 25 as they have no resilience.

Sure I'll get flamed but hey this is a forum and we are all entitled to our opinion.

Very few! My 9 year old DD managed to get past a 6ft male teacher so I’d not stand a chance!

Re the permissive parenting.
Like most on here I have tried pretty much every approach including (and starting with) the ‘you’re absolutely going, it’s non negotiable’ stance-threats, punishments etc.
the problem is if you really cannot physically make them go (and I’ve also done this up to the age of 8 or 9) then it’s pointless laying down the law like that when it’s going to be overruled. It makes any future attempts at non negotiables even less likely to work.
So sometimes it’s better to ‘relent’ initially in the hope that by taking the stress and battle away they might get in to school at some point in a reasonable frame of mind sooner than they would having totally refused and melted down.
It’s really really difficult and involves a lot of biting your tongue and timing things right.