to be sick of DP's ex wife's demands

[forestcookie]

The dc live with her primarily but DP does loads. He takes the dc to school 2 mornings a week so she can go to work early and miss the traffic, he has to be at her house for 7.45am. He picks the children up once or twice a week, depending if it's his weekend or not - has them EOW for 3 nights. He would pick them up more but he works late 3 nights a week. He is on 25k, she is on something like 40k but she has standard office hours - 9-5, no late nights etc. He is in a tiny rented 1 bedroom flat, she has a large 3 bedroom house with a garden, driveway etc. She also gets child benefit and UC help, DP doesn't see any of that.

DP has just given her £300 towards their swimming lessons and summer holiday clubs - his "half", IMO she should pay more because she earns more, and I don't know why he is paying towards childcare because UC pay for it, but he didn't want her to kick off.

Now he usually picks up the children on Wednesday nights from after school club, again this enables her to work. She has just told him that tomorrow night she is going to see a friend for dinner and won't be back until 9.30pm. DP usually likes to leave her house by 9pm so he can get home and have dinner and prepare for work the next day. DP has told her this and she has kicked off saying she doesn't have a life or time to socialise (she does). I don't think she should be going out that night anyway, because DP has to be in her house without her which I don't really like. He has offered to have the kids overnight Wednesday nights but the dc don't want this.

AIBU to tell DP to put his foot down? He is knackered all the time from working late or looking after the DC while she gets to earn more and get home late as long as he is looking after them!

I’m not sure if you’ve realised these aren’t the neighbours kids, they are his children. How is that moderate amount of parenting ‘loads’??

He can’t afford to have any more kids so I sincerely hope OP isn’t thinking about this unless she’s happy to be the sole provider for the kids.

Honestly @forestcookie I'd rethink the relationship. It's never going to get better. Plus you seem to view his dc as an inconvenience.

Can I ask why you are doing this to yourself @forestcookie ? This dynamic they have won't change, not for you, not for anyone. You have two adults up against each other with little thought about their own dc, their routine, stability etc. An outsider (you) has no chance of influencing it at all. It will be a lifetime of this or at least until the youngest is 21. Can you be bothered? This is not how I would choose to spend my life, as the supporting role in THEIR play.

How is this man a catch for you?

Why don’t you want him in her (and his?) house when she’s not there?!

sorry if these Qs been answered.

he paid her over £300 for the holiday clubs and swimming etc
Yet she kicked off because he had to stop paying weekly maintenance. She did a cms claim and they said she wasn't entitled to anything because he wasn't working enough. So he is already paying way over what he has to.
It gets worse, not paying CM, just it seems an ad-hoc payment for holiday clubs and swimming what 4 times a year. And you think he's a prince of a man. He's doing fuck all for his kids and he changed jobs and now doesn't pay weekly CM either. He really has you fooled OP. I just hope you're not going to bring any more children into this situation.

OP don’t have children with him. If you want chidkren then raise your standards in men and find someone better.

I’m going to guess you don’t already have children of your own because what you deem as him doing a lot is absolutely naff all in terms of parenting. He just sees them for a very small amount of time and pays very little to their upbringing(CMS on £25k isn’t going to go far). Of course he doesn’t get child benefit or whatever for them, they don’t live with him! It doesn’t matter if the dc can already swim, as a parent you pay towards your dc hobbies.

So your Boyfriend is a half decent parent and you have an issue with it?
nice

He used to earn more but changed jobs last year to spend more time with the children. Yet she kicked off because he had to stop paying weekly maintenance. She did a cms claim and they said she wasn't entitled to anything because he wasn't working enough.

Fuck me. What an absolute nasty shit of a man you have there OP.

Exactly , I had a friend who was a single parent in her early 20s. She used to work late, so very often I would babysit her child overnight 2 or 3 times in a week. I didn’t accept any money for it as she was a childhood friend and had no support from the father.

I was doing loads, as a friend but OPs partner is doing the bare minimum as a father.

I thought this! He seems to do very little as for financial costs children are expensive!! I think the OP needs a reality check. He pays no regular maintenance I think the least he can do is look after DC a couple of extra evenings.

Unfortunately the update makes it worse. He cut his hours or changed his job to spend more time with the kids but this obviously was going to mean his income was smaller, so small it was no maintenance? That takes some doing! He needs a bigger place. He doesn’t have one. The kids don’t want to be cramped in his tiny place when they don’t need to be. Therefore he has boxed himself into this corner on his own. He has choices, his ex doesn’t seem to be dictating what job he does or how he spends his money otherwise, he does not sound like a victim of a controlling ex.

I don’t think there is any point in posters trying to explain why getting involved is such a bad idea as you have already got yourself involved. He appears to complain about her to you, but has actively chosen decisions which means he is spending more time at her house. It’s ok to not like this and if it’s not what you want from a relationship, you need to walk away. I agree I don’t think I would be happy about it but your annoyance is towards the wrong person…

That's all the ex-wife needs - a pushy jealous girlfriend who hasn't a clue what it takes to parent or finance children.

Your flogging a floor fish.

Of course he should be paying for his children frankly both parents should be 50/50 but sadly many mostly fathers get away with a mere donation often forced as well not evening willingly.

Oh no stop the press he has his children 4 days a month plus does two drop offs/pick ups a week. Grab the parent a medal… for erm parenting a tiny bit

🎻

Don’t breed with this man, he has neither the money nor the hours for more parenting.

Just as people on this site are quick to judge men on the version given by their female partners!

you make it sound like he is doing his ex an favour of 'helping' her to parent the DC. What a pathetic post. They are his kids and he is doing very little compared to the mother. They are his kids too FFS and the amount of parenting he does is laughable.

That's why he needs someone like the OP to encourage him to get out from under his ex's thumb!

He's not even paying. OP update said he took a lower paying job and no longer pays weekly CM. The £300 contribution to holiday clubs and swimming is on top of £0 CM.

This is only the OP’s opinion of the situation. And getting out from under exes thumb would mean.. OP supporting him and his kids financially? Yeah sounds really attractive 😂

that's exactly it, I am trying to encourage him to not just do what his ex wife asks. He deserves a life too

Yeah I also read he cut his hours so that he could get out of paying maintenance too. What a lazy excuse for a man, you should both be ashamed of yourselves. Him for bringing kids into the world without being prepared to parent them, you for encouraging him to be even more of a shit dad than he already is.

You will never win this battle, even if you think you are doing it for him. They are tied forever. She will always be around. You cannot escape her. You cannot control their interactions. Just walk away. This life will make you very unhappy. The ins and outs do not matter, this is just not the right relationship for you.

sigh, yes, he used to earn more but he did a lot of shift work which meant starting at 5am and finishing at 7pm some days. this meant he couldn't have them overnight at all in the "old days" so he is already doing a lot more than he used to. She kept complaining that he didn't see the children enough so he changed jobs, now she is still complaining. He can't win.

Why did they split up?

I’d be interested to find out if he really changed jobs to spend more time with the kids or pay less CMS, because honestly, he doesn’t sound like he spends any more time than most dads doing the bare minimum.