to be sick of DP's ex wife's demands

[forestcookie]

The dc live with her primarily but DP does loads. He takes the dc to school 2 mornings a week so she can go to work early and miss the traffic, he has to be at her house for 7.45am. He picks the children up once or twice a week, depending if it's his weekend or not - has them EOW for 3 nights. He would pick them up more but he works late 3 nights a week. He is on 25k, she is on something like 40k but she has standard office hours - 9-5, no late nights etc. He is in a tiny rented 1 bedroom flat, she has a large 3 bedroom house with a garden, driveway etc. She also gets child benefit and UC help, DP doesn't see any of that.

DP has just given her £300 towards their swimming lessons and summer holiday clubs - his "half", IMO she should pay more because she earns more, and I don't know why he is paying towards childcare because UC pay for it, but he didn't want her to kick off.

Now he usually picks up the children on Wednesday nights from after school club, again this enables her to work. She has just told him that tomorrow night she is going to see a friend for dinner and won't be back until 9.30pm. DP usually likes to leave her house by 9pm so he can get home and have dinner and prepare for work the next day. DP has told her this and she has kicked off saying she doesn't have a life or time to socialise (she does). I don't think she should be going out that night anyway, because DP has to be in her house without her which I don't really like. He has offered to have the kids overnight Wednesday nights but the dc don't want this.

AIBU to tell DP to put his foot down? He is knackered all the time from working late or looking after the DC while she gets to earn more and get home late as long as he is looking after them!

This is your problem I suspect...

He used to earn more but changed jobs last year to spend more time with the children

Wait what? He got a lower paid job so he can now pay even less to his kids and he still only has them a fraction of his time?

So he deliberately put himself in this financial position - absurd. In his position he should be earning as much as he can and moving into a house with at least two bedrooms and supporting his children more.

I feel sorry for his ex and their kids, if he goes onto have more children. She’ll get even less support from him. Men like that should not go on to have more children, but unfortunately they often do.

No the person who has significantly less childcare responsibilities over the week and has an abundance of time compared to the resident parent has a lot more time to earn more. The poster clearly explained this.

Why does he earn so little? You said he changed jobs to 'spend more time with the kids'🙄but his ex manages to earn more and spend a LOT more time with the kids!

What so he could do one extra drop off and pick up from school? Wow what a hero. Give that man a million pounds and a blow job.

OP it doesn't matter how long you have been with him, they are his kids and nothing to do with you how they are raised, how much money DP sends them is his problem. Unless his kids were living with you and him then yes it would be your business to a degree.

So why isn't he spending more time with them?
He barely sees them.

He used to earn more but changed jobs last year to spend more time with the children.

Bloody hell, the current contact is an increase?

DP's wage is relevant because I don't think he should be paying half of the costs he should be paying proportionate to his wage.

Do you? I think that parents are responsible for 50% of the costs of their children. They were a joint commitment. He isn't looking after them 50% of the time, and I'm pretty sure that their mother is subsidising quite a lot of the costs of bringing up the children as they are with her. He's hardly a hero chipping in £300 for swimming lessons and holiday clubs. He's their father and should be financially responsible for half the costs of raising them.

And he can’t see them past 9pm because he doesn’t want to be tired for his big man job. What does he think the mother does every night?!

The swimming is a whole other saga, the oldest can already swim and doesn't need more lessons but she insists on her continuing. For the younger one, there are loads of council pools that offer lessons, but she insists on this private place because apparently the other pools are "too cold"

😂

What on earth have her children’s activities and where they do them got to do with you? Maybe the older child enjoys swimming or her mum wants her to continue as it’s a healthy activity.

And you want her to send her children to a less nice facility just to please you? Good luck with that!

a few pick-ups and every other weekends isn’t “a lot”. It’s more than many other non-resident parents do, that is true. But it should be the bare minimum, tbh.

and why shouldn’t he pay for his children? Her earning more doesn’t absolve him from his (financial) responsibilities towards the children. Goodness.

but even if I agreed with you: It’s between him and the mother of his children. Don’t get involved.

I know, unbelievable.

My guess is this post is written by the Dad, pretending to be his gf. Surely no woman could think like this, especially if she has her own kids 🤷🏼‍♀️

But this is his life. He comes with baggage, and if it’s bothering you, you need to find a relationship where things can be on your terms, without the drama being in relationship with someone who has had a family brings. Two years isn’t long. Just walk away. Life’s too short, and if you do move in or marry, you will only get more and more stressed about it.

I think the poster you quoted is alluding to num being the main carer, and in an ideal world would be working less so that she wasn't completely overworked.

But this woman is earning more, working more, generally contributing more to her children's entire lifestyle than he is, or can.

I would be pleased that my DP is trying to be a decent dad. Having the kids a few days a month is quite shit honestly, so of course he pays more.

Not sure why you feel this situation is appropriate for you to give your thoughts on? It doesn't sound like he is actually doing loads, as you put it anyway. More like the children's mother is still having to organise his 'schedule' to ensure she can work!!!!

Hang on, he took a lower salary to spend more time with the kids, but he sees them for less than half the time (and a pitifully small amount of time in the week) and he also can’t stay until 9.30 even as a one off? That sounds like bollocks.

As does the idea that he sound pay in proportion to his salary- last time I checked my kids didn’t get smaller, eat less or need fewer clothes because I decided to go part time. What if your boyfriend’s ex wife were to decide to chuck it all in and go on benefits- would your DH be happy to pay for everything? 40k is not a high salary when she houses the kids for the majority of the time and has to pay for childcare. I bet your boyfriend has far more disposable cash. For future reference if you decide to start a family yourself- that’s also not a reason to stop paying for the first set of kids who already exist either.

And as for the not staying over during the week, your boyfriend’s ex wife has made it clear that she would find it more convenient if your boyfriend stayed a bit later on this one occasion and I daresay the kids would be happier to stay if they had their own room. I think your boyfriend needs to up his hours so he can get at least a 2 bed place TBH. If you care about him you’ll think about the replies on this thread I read of dripping poison in his ear about how much money his ex wife has got and how he’s doing more than he needs to.

@forestcookie You see him more than his children do yet you are still jealous.
No responsible parent would take a lower paid job because let’s be honest, he still does not have them 50/50 so didn’t change jobs ‘to spend more time with his children’
You can hate the ex and that’s okay but don’t bring the kids into it. They deserve equal time with both parents and you will need to understand they should be his priority until they turn 18 at the very least.

Got a lower paying job to spend more time with the kids... Still spends less than 80% of his time with the kids and pays no maintenance because CMS said he doesn't need because he doesn't work enough... CMS goes on pay and they would make him pay with £25000. Guess how I know that!

Poor kids, having a deadbeat for a dad.
Thank the lord they have their mother willing to work and parent them AND earn.

OP I'm sure once you've popped out a few of his kids and he's being a complete deadbeat to you too you'll finally understand. And then you'll have to deal with the new gf sticking her nose in your business where it doesn't belong

Unfortunately it’s very common. A friend of mine who didn’t have kids complained her boyfriend was giving to much to his ex for their child. she was only dating this man for a few months as well, she wasn’t even living with him. It was so odd.

But I’ve also known many women who have their own kids , who object to their male partners spending on their children from previous relationships.

YABU. Using your logic, she does far more ‘for him’ (ie dropping the children at school 3 days a week and picking them up 4-5). Many people would describe what your DP is doing as simply ‘parenting’.

You’ve only heard his side of the story, I’m sure her friends / family who have heard her side of the story would take a different view.

Im guessing that this was the arrangement when you first met your DP? If so your best bet is to think about whether or not you are happy to be in a relationship with somebody who has this level of ‘baggage’? If not then move on and find somebody who doesn’t. Life’s too short to waste time moaning about your perception of your DPs ex.

Oh my goodness your update op. Wow. There's no way of saying this any other way - you sound vile, as does your partner. Simply horrible. The mother is clearly peddling away to give her children a good life, essentially on her own. You've misunderstood what child maintenance is. He doesn't pay ANY. For his own children. He is only paying what decent fathers would pay as EXTRA on top of standard weekly payments for their upkeep. You've also misunderstood the point if swimming. It's exercise and good for you even if you can already swim. And yes, some children do get very cold in some pools. To the point their lips turn blue. But, fuck them, hey? The two of you deserve each other. Don't have any kids though, it wouldn't be fair on them.

Sorry to break it to you OP, but they've got kids together, he's probably seen it all, without towel even.. You seem jealous of her. And for this man, who doesn't seem much of a prize based on your comments here. 🙄

I think the reason the OP posted is actually because her boyfriend spends time at his ex's house, and she's jealous.

The part-time parenting is really a red herring.