to be sick of DP's ex wife's demands

[forestcookie]

The dc live with her primarily but DP does loads. He takes the dc to school 2 mornings a week so she can go to work early and miss the traffic, he has to be at her house for 7.45am. He picks the children up once or twice a week, depending if it's his weekend or not - has them EOW for 3 nights. He would pick them up more but he works late 3 nights a week. He is on 25k, she is on something like 40k but she has standard office hours - 9-5, no late nights etc. He is in a tiny rented 1 bedroom flat, she has a large 3 bedroom house with a garden, driveway etc. She also gets child benefit and UC help, DP doesn't see any of that.

DP has just given her £300 towards their swimming lessons and summer holiday clubs - his "half", IMO she should pay more because she earns more, and I don't know why he is paying towards childcare because UC pay for it, but he didn't want her to kick off.

Now he usually picks up the children on Wednesday nights from after school club, again this enables her to work. She has just told him that tomorrow night she is going to see a friend for dinner and won't be back until 9.30pm. DP usually likes to leave her house by 9pm so he can get home and have dinner and prepare for work the next day. DP has told her this and she has kicked off saying she doesn't have a life or time to socialise (she does). I don't think she should be going out that night anyway, because DP has to be in her house without her which I don't really like. He has offered to have the kids overnight Wednesday nights but the dc don't want this.

AIBU to tell DP to put his foot down? He is knackered all the time from working late or looking after the DC while she gets to earn more and get home late as long as he is looking after them!

So when exactly is he working? If he provided childcare parented during his none work time maybe she wouldn't need such a 'big' contribution towards summer clubs or after school clubs.

Also a bit bamboozled by he doesn't pay cm on £25k a year. Of course he does! Unless he's lying about his income

How much parenting do you think is reasonable for this man then, because your bar for how much fathers should do for their children seems incredibly and disgustingly low?

So he has them 3 nights out of 14 plus a couple of school runs and before his job change he used to have them even less?? What a hero he is.

@JudgeJ genuinely explain why you think he’s under her thumb (can’t work out whether you’re being sarcastic). He lives separately, pays no regular maintenance at all, has the kids a pitifully small amount if the time, and can’t even bring himself to stay for an extra half-hour as a one off? Doesn’t exactly sound like a downtrodden martyr to me.

Is this a reverse? So a man who has his own children 3 nights a week EOW and only does 2 drop offs is annoyed at the request to stay an extra 45 mins?

Of course he needs to pay the £300.

This sentence is insane: "She also gets child benefit and UC help, DP doesn't see any of that." WHy would he see any of that when the children don't live with him??

No she cant win and what you're trying to do to his kids is disgusting. They have a shit enough father without you stirring the pot.

Hang on a minute.

Dad 3 nights every other weekend
Mum 3 night every other weekend

Dad 2 school mornings Tue- Friday
Mum 2 school morning Tue to Friday

Dad 1 school.pick up mon to thurs
Mum 3 school pick ups Mon to Thurs

Not a huge difference in the above

The main difference is over nights but it seems like mum and/or children wants him to have children at mums house not Dads place. If dad is prevented for any reason by mum or children wishes from week day overnights this is very difficult for dad to do more.

I'm always curious about these posts...so what would be the ideal set up in your eyes?

Like when would he see them, how often and for how long? How much would he pay per month?

Don't have kids with him or anyone else. You're selfish, haven't got a clue what parenting involves (you seem to think it should be about the parents and that parenting is just about satisfying someone's spite) and want everything to adapt to what suits you.

That's fine, but you should live a life compatible with it. Not sure you should even date someone with kids. Find someone without children so you two can live as if nobody else matters. It's OK to do that when it really is just two people and what they want.

It's too late for him, but not for you.

Another one chipping in to say that how he is treating his ex now and speaking about her to you, is how he will speak about you in future. If you are planning DC with him in future you need to be aware of that.

This.

Can you see it from his ex and dc point of view? That he worked shifts so barely saw them which is obviously crap, but now he can have them a very small amount(because it really is) but there is barely any money to pay for the children. Either way his ex loses out.

She has them most of the time and contributes more so what do you mean by “he deserves a life too”?

And his children are part of his life btw! Should be the best part of his life if he’s any kind of decent father. So supporting his kids shouldn’t mean his life is diminished.

He’s the one grumbling when she goes to dinner with a friend as well which is something he can do far more often than her.

He has the kids roughly 6 nights out of 28. He drops kids off roughly 8 mornings out of 20. That’s no where near half. But you want him to have a life?
And have you asked why he’s round there ‘putting them to bed’ when his ex is showering?
I’d be more concerned about the amount of time he is spending with his ex while she showers. Perhaps you should offer to have them more at your place to negate the shower situations.

He no longer pays weekly child maintenance, just the occasional contribution to holiday clubs and swimming which OP wants to stop him from paying.

But his ex, the mother of his children, doesn't deserve a life? Not even a one off meal with a friend where she is home by 9,30pm? How dare she!

She (has to) earns more, she pays for ALL of it, she looks after them more, she encourages life saving skills and yet... the poor wee lamb of a man needs to be set free from the nasty woman.

Make sure your contraception is doubled up OP, you really don't want a child with this man. You can see how little he thinks of his children's mothers as he is showing you right now.

That’s what he said to you. Lol high earner going to 25k and sacrificing the house to keep huge pensions / investments is a story as old as time and we would definitely not be telling you this. If I were you I’d be more alert and ask more questions.

Wait a fucking minute, in the equivalent of a school term, he's paying £300 for 2 children?

That man is a loser, absolute loser.

I'm not shocked to read "he earned more, but gave up his job"

We could play dead beat dad bingo here.

Outraged girlfriend.
Cannot provide adequate space for his kids so haunts the exes house because no surprise, mum's providing an appropriate home that's more comfortable.
Chooses to earn less money to decrease maintenance contributions.
Pays a very small amount of maintenance.

I think you'll feel differently when he's living in your house, or when he's got you knocked up and scarpered from you too.
Offering you scraps of monetary and physical support.

I always say: If you are dating someone with kids I think you need to always be prepared that something could happen and they could end up with your partner full time - and your partner would be able to deal with that as a competent parent.

DP's arrangements with his ex have changed a number of times since we've been together depending on their work schedules. (It has always been 50/50-60/40 though - your DP is not having the kids very much.)

As long as I'm not expected to be primary carer for DP's kids (which I'm not) I don't get involved. I don't even follow their care arrangements in holidays, I'm too busy with my own stuff! - I only ask if am planning something in particular. You sound a bit too involved!

He used to earn more but changed jobs last year to spend more time with the children. Yet she kicked off because he had to stop paying weekly maintenance. She did a cms claim and they said she wasn't entitled to anything because he wasn't working enough.

This makes your partner sound really awful. No maintenance paid when people on benefits pay their paltry £7pw and he’s complaining about £300 on holiday care.
He changed jobs to spend more time with the kids but looks after them less than 50% of the time so has more free time to earn more.
If ex get UC it will probably be for childcare which can be more than a mortgage payment depending on the child’s age.
I’m still confused about the quibbling over 30 minutes extra with the kids. Can’t he take a packed lunch or eat with the kids that night ?

it goes (I think)

DP drops off at school 2x per week
Ex drops off at school 3x per week

DP picks up from school 1-2x per week
Ex picks up from school 1-2x per week
Grandma picks up from school 2x per week

So agreed main difference is overnight but as already stated the dc do not want to go to DP's flat any more than they already do. DP is trying his best to up his earnings but his line of work does demand unsociable hours which is difficult with dc. Ex wife can work office hours

DP lives about 30 mins away from them , ex wife has much lower commuting costs etc as a result.

DP's wage is relevant because I don't think he should be paying half of the costs , he should be paying proportionate to his wage.

What you think is irrelevant though. The law says otherwise so tough really.

Sorry, none of your business at all. And he’s not doing ‘loads’. Those children are 50% his and yet he is doing a tiny amount compared to their mother. It’s none of your business what she earns either.

Believe me, she will be doing the majority of the parenting, the mental load, the arranging and organising, the huge amount of work that goes into raising human beings.

He might be contributing to the swimming lessons and holiday clubs but guess who will have booked them? Her.

If you don’t have kids of your own you have NO idea what it entails.

What possessed you to get involved with a man who earns £25k, rents a 1-bed flat and has more baggage than Heathrow?

Have you no standards whatsoever?

Absolutely this
It sounds like the OP see his kids as a burden and he isn’t even doing half the parenting!
What good looks like OP is both parents doing equal parenting. Right down the middle as much as possible.
Also, rather than being remotely concerned about how dad is OR mom is, I would be more concerned whether or not the children are happy with this situation. You’re even having a go about the oldest doing swimming lessons in a heated pool?! Seriously??