to be sick of DP's ex wife's demands

[forestcookie]

The dc live with her primarily but DP does loads. He takes the dc to school 2 mornings a week so she can go to work early and miss the traffic, he has to be at her house for 7.45am. He picks the children up once or twice a week, depending if it's his weekend or not - has them EOW for 3 nights. He would pick them up more but he works late 3 nights a week. He is on 25k, she is on something like 40k but she has standard office hours - 9-5, no late nights etc. He is in a tiny rented 1 bedroom flat, she has a large 3 bedroom house with a garden, driveway etc. She also gets child benefit and UC help, DP doesn't see any of that.

DP has just given her £300 towards their swimming lessons and summer holiday clubs - his "half", IMO she should pay more because she earns more, and I don't know why he is paying towards childcare because UC pay for it, but he didn't want her to kick off.

Now he usually picks up the children on Wednesday nights from after school club, again this enables her to work. She has just told him that tomorrow night she is going to see a friend for dinner and won't be back until 9.30pm. DP usually likes to leave her house by 9pm so he can get home and have dinner and prepare for work the next day. DP has told her this and she has kicked off saying she doesn't have a life or time to socialise (she does). I don't think she should be going out that night anyway, because DP has to be in her house without her which I don't really like. He has offered to have the kids overnight Wednesday nights but the dc don't want this.

AIBU to tell DP to put his foot down? He is knackered all the time from working late or looking after the DC while she gets to earn more and get home late as long as he is looking after them!

He sounds like a loser. And why do you think he shouldn't pay for his kids, 'because UC pays for them'? Does it now? I don't see how it could when she's got an income of 40k, she won't get hardly anything. Why is your boyfriend on such a low wage? He should be paying and doing more for his kid, not less.

Lol. No she shouldn't pay more because she earns more. They are both 50% responsible for the cost of providing for their DC.
'he picks them up 2 days a week allowing her to work.' BUT she picks them up 3 nights a week allowing him to work doesn't she?

How much does he pay in maintenance and is it through CMS or an unofficial arrangement? If it's a private agreement then he may be better off if it were to go through CMS. He's not earning that much, on 25K he'd probably only have to pay £300 a month all-in, not for special things like holiday clubs.

Otherwise, given that it is her time, he can tell her to book a babysitter

Why, when she does most of the parenting?
Can't be parent his own children?

Anyone who gives advice like this is part of the problem. He has multiple children, who genuinely thinks £300 a month with nothing towards anything extra is remotely covering 50% of raising them??

Why would sharing his kids equally half of the time give him something to complain about?

Not your business, and it is right that a father pays half towards activities and looks after his own children sometimes anyway.

Spot on.

This woman does far more than 50% in terms of parenting. You need to wind your neck in.

Hopefully he can try and work himself up to getting a higher paid job which enables him to get a place which can properly accommodate his children and he can take care of them more.

Imagine actually preferring and encouraging your partner to be MORE of a deadbeat dad!

Of course he does, he's a poor hard done by man who is absolutely exhausted because he's doing so much for his demanding ex wife. And how dare she earn more than him and not hand over CB, surely she knows her place. Poor mens.

I am curious if these ideas are OPs or if her DP spends a heap of time bitching about his ex. You'd think mine had done the Labors of Hercules rather than being at best a Disney dad, the way he talks. Gives me a laugh but the kids aren't so happy about his bitching.

Im guessing out of his busy schedule he has time to date you? So why shouldn’t his ex get to have an evening out?

You said she does socialise already, are you friends with her and know this, or is this just what he tells you? And presumably she has to pay for sitters to facilitate any social life where your boyfriend has loads of free nights.

He’s being a Dad, and a good one by the sounds of it. People with kids are knackered.

Yes holiday clubs aka paid childcare are special and unnecessary. Im sure mum's out having the time of her life while using up his money to palm her kids off. Good on you for suggesting a father that does fuck all for his kids does even less.

this isn't a reverse, and I am a MN poster just name changed for this thread. I "disappeared" for an hour

he lives in a one bed place BECAUSE he is on a low salary, i thought that would be obvious. On weekends the children are with him he sleeps on the sofa and the children share his bed.

we have been together 2 years and whenever he is not with the kids or working he is with me, and he was telling me all about her demands so it very much is my business.

yes I have already said he is paying maintenance, he paid her over £300 for the holiday clubs and swimming etc. He paid her the same as that at easter too. The swimming is a whole other saga, the oldest can already swim and doesn't need more lessons but she insists on her continuing. For the younger one, there are loads of council pools that offer lessons, but she insists on this private place because apparently the other pools are "too cold"

DP's wage is relevant because I don't think he should be paying half of the costs , he should be paying proportionate to his wage. He used to earn more but changed jobs last year to spend more time with the children. Yet she kicked off because he had to stop paying weekly maintenance. She did a cms claim and they said she wasn't entitled to anything because he wasn't working enough. So he is already paying way over what he has to.

She doesn't do all of the other pick ups either, her mum does some too. And DP pays rent of £600 a month on a 25k salary whilst his ex pays £700 a month mortgage on a 40k salary. So she has a lot more disposable income.

As for the children not going to his place overnight during the week, they don't want to, they want to be at mums house and see mum when she gets home, obviously DP wants to keep them happy, very convenient for mum.

So he takes his dc sometimes so his ex can work? Why the fuck wouldn't he, they are his kids? You don't seem to have a clue about what being a parent entails, I think you should stfu and let him get on with the bare minimum that he is doing.

He’s no prize. Walk away. Up your standards… just because the sex is good doesn’t mean the relationship is good for you x

FWIW I think a lot of people on MN are too invested in the idea that all ex-wives are long-suffering, badly-done-to, perfect paragons simply by dint of being the ex. It's not always the case, but I know that's MN heresy. And no, I am not OP's DP, a man, or a misogynist. I just think there's a lot of blinkeredness around the subject of exes on here.

thank you for your understanding, yes I feel it is inappropriate for DP to be spending so much time at her house, it is difficult for him too because it used to be HIS home. sometimes when he is putting the children to bed she has a shower so has to pass him on the landing in a towel. I just feel it's inappropriate

These are the big red flags for me, I couldn't be in a relationship and see a future with someone who wasn't motivated either financially or as a parent, and he's proving himself just that.

He used to earn more but changed jobs last year to spend more time with the children.
😂😂

So he does 3 or 4 out of 10 school runs, and parents his kids no more than 6 days out of 30, but that's "allowing her to work" and he shouldn't pay for his kids childcare because, despite doing the bulk of the parenting, she also works hard enough to earn more than him too.
Your boyfriend is a lazy scrounger if he has issues with this, whatever you do don't have kids with him or you'll soon find out what his ex wife did. If he wants more money and a better life he best get his finger out and work for it instead of taking it off his children.

"...he should be earning more than her..."

Wow! That's a very regressive attitude. The man "should" be earning more than the woman? We aren't living in the 1960s any more.

But we don’t even know how old this relationship is? If someone has been together for a few years, and are contemplating living together/marriage, then maybe a discussion could be had on how to make things easier, without being to the detriment of the children, but sounds like the relationship is a new one, as it’s as if OP is just being made aware of all this. If that’s the case, then op really is not all that important currently, and can’t be telling her partner to change anything,

.........whenever he is not with the kids or working he is with me, and he was telling me all about her demands so it very much is my business

Oh, I don't think so, OP.

If your boyfriend is complaining to you about doing a pitiful amount of parenting, I hope you're not thinking of having any of your own with this Father Of The Year.

This is absolutely none of your business and I cannot believe you'd say, he gets none of the child benefit or uc and he's paying so much at £300.