to be sick of DP's ex wife's demands

[forestcookie]

The dc live with her primarily but DP does loads. He takes the dc to school 2 mornings a week so she can go to work early and miss the traffic, he has to be at her house for 7.45am. He picks the children up once or twice a week, depending if it's his weekend or not - has them EOW for 3 nights. He would pick them up more but he works late 3 nights a week. He is on 25k, she is on something like 40k but she has standard office hours - 9-5, no late nights etc. He is in a tiny rented 1 bedroom flat, she has a large 3 bedroom house with a garden, driveway etc. She also gets child benefit and UC help, DP doesn't see any of that.

DP has just given her £300 towards their swimming lessons and summer holiday clubs - his "half", IMO she should pay more because she earns more, and I don't know why he is paying towards childcare because UC pay for it, but he didn't want her to kick off.

Now he usually picks up the children on Wednesday nights from after school club, again this enables her to work. She has just told him that tomorrow night she is going to see a friend for dinner and won't be back until 9.30pm. DP usually likes to leave her house by 9pm so he can get home and have dinner and prepare for work the next day. DP has told her this and she has kicked off saying she doesn't have a life or time to socialise (she does). I don't think she should be going out that night anyway, because DP has to be in her house without her which I don't really like. He has offered to have the kids overnight Wednesday nights but the dc don't want this.

AIBU to tell DP to put his foot down? He is knackered all the time from working late or looking after the DC while she gets to earn more and get home late as long as he is looking after them!

Can you please shhh? You're giving step parents/new partners a bad name with this nonsense.

Look at it this way, he does 2 mornings a week, she does 3. He does 3 pick ups a fortnight, she does 7. He has them 3 nights a fortnight, she has them 11.

He's a lazy fucker and needs to stop complaining about the pitiful amount of parenting he's doing and step up.

You can’t write a post about how you think your do is being taken advantage of then ask what you should “tell him”. 😂

Your idea of doing loads is warped. (You missed out the distance between both houses in your OP) Just because there are parents who don’t see their kids at all, 3 school runs and 3 nights EOW isn’t loads. It is difficult because he only has a bedroom. Staying at hers will be logistically easier because she has lots more space and this will become increasingly important as the kids get older.

Ime most people who pay CMS are paying a bit more and contributing to childcare is fair enough. I know that many don’t pay towards this but your dp is doing the right thing. If he didn’t want to pay then doing the childcare himself is the only answer. I think Yabu about mum earning more. She will be paying more for the kids unless your do is living in a 1bed house that costs as much as a 3 bed.

Show me a parent that isn't knackered! Imagine how tired his ex is given she has the kids 80% of the time and the constant tumbleweed in her brain of 'what's in the fridge for dinner, must add pasta to the online shopping list, shit it's PE tommorow must get gear in washing machine, need to pay those fees for summer camp and fill out the online registration form, really need to make a dentist appointment for Johnny' etc etc etc

40k a year isn't a massive income when you've got a large 3 bedroom house to run and multiple kids to keep. His £300 a month won't even touch the sides. He isn't even doing his fair share right now. Shameful.

He's parenting his kids. As he should do.
Incredibly this isn't always convenient for the adults concerned as RP's know all too well.

Butt out.

Surely this is a reverse?

As a single parent working Mum I can assure you every penny that mother is earning plus child credit and the pitiful amount their dad contributes will be spent on running that house and providing for her children.

Not going down very well this thread, is it.

He does not do a lot, that's a ridiculous comment to make. His ex does a lot, apparently with not a lot of support!
Also, and I say this as a stepmum myself, if you feel like this now, step away.
It's not your business for starters, and if you continue with this relationship with that attitude you will be miserable.

People are so non-understanding about posts like these.

OP, I hope you have friends in real life that you can talk to and confide in about this.

I wouldn’t be happy with these arrangements at all. It seems like some things have evolved where your DP is trying to be helpful and maybe it all seemed ok at first when you’re feeling guilty about a break up etc, but then when you have a new partner and time has moved on, arrangements need to change a bit.

I definitely wouldn’t be happy if my DP was looking after his children regularly in ex’s home. I would probably be having a conversation with DP telling him it made me uncomfortable and asking if we could talk about alternatives that might work well for everyone.

While he needs to make the arrangements with his ex, of course they are still to do with you. You’re his partner and you need to both feel like a team and like both your needs are being met (while still meeting the needs of his children).

Please don’t be disheartened by the negative posts on here and lack of empathy.

This is what I thought reading the OPs post. Your boyfriend seems to do very little actually, yet there's a huge amount of slagging off their mum in this post, who does most of the parenting. That suggests that he slags her off to you constantly, giving you a very unbalanced view of the actual situation.

You're not married yet so I say just keep out of it.

So how many evenings a week does he have the kids overnight then? I can’t understand entirely from your post but it seems like 0?

If that’s correct yes YABU and so is he. Why doesn’t he bring the kids to his overnight and take them in the next day?

And for your reference it sounds like he’s doing the bare minimum. Plus wanting to leave at 9 rather than 9.30 sounds utterly pathetic, I’d love to do that myself but as I have kids and can’t fuck off in a car when it suits me I usually haven’t even had dinner by that point. I sort out my next days lunch and other things at about 6.30 am the next day.

I don't think she should be going out that night anyway, because DP has to be in her house without her which I don't really like. He has offered to have the kids overnight Wednesday nights but the dc don't want this.

This is none of your business. The DC want to be in their own beds.

AIBU to tell DP to put his foot down? He is knackered all the time from working late or looking after the DC

So he's being a parent to his DC.

while she gets to earn more and get home late as long as he is looking after them!

So he's being a parent to his DC.

If your DP is unhappy with his choices e.g. thinks the pattern is too irregular and effecting his children, then he needs to make changes.

If you are unhappy with your DP's choices then end it and find someone else who parents differently.

@Always28 the man doesn't need empathy and positivity 🤷🏼‍♀️ he barely sees his kids and his girlfriend is seemingly seething with rage and jealousy about his ex wife's lifestyle.

Even if they were married the only change would be that the children come to theirs as hopefully they would live in a property big enough to have sufficient space and bedrooms for the children.

He’s not exactly doing 50/50 childcare and costs is he?

Lol, this has got to be THE most pathetic post I've ever read on here...the poor bloke

Ummm, why would your partner see any of the UC and child benefit?Also,the ex partner isn't really taking advantage of being home 30 minutes later than your partner would like.The ex partner sounds like a full time mother who's working full time to keep her family going.She deserves a break.Does your partner pay child maintenance,you have mentioned that in your post.

AIBU to tell DP to put his foot down?

yes, yabu to tell him to do anything. You’re not married, You’re not engaged. You’re a girl friend. If you’re concerned, you could tentatively have a discussion with him to get the bigger picture here, to see if you’re going to be compatible, but otherwise you need to let him get on with it. It’s between him and his ex any arrangement he has which is to do with the children. Absolutely nothing to do with you. If you don’t like it, best thing to do would be to walk on by.

@Always28 but then when you have a new partner and time has moved on, arrangements need to change a bit

No actually, totally false. His kid’s needs don’t change just because he gets a new girlfriend. Too bad.
If you don’t want a man to have responsibilities towards his children then date someone without them.

It’s not negativity it’s reality. A ‘dad’ should not just be helping.
The mother is paying ALL bills, housing, food, clothing, school fees, the list goes on.
Why do you see reality as a lack of empathy?
Mother wants to be late and home by 9.30. She’s not exactly asking for much is she

Please don’t be disheartened by the negative posts on here and lack of empathy

Oh, the boyfriend's turned up.

I have read the post from @Always28 and as the first Yanbu post I read it with an open mind to try to understand what the other side could possibly be. I'm still none the wiser. You said this 'when you have a new partner and time has moved on, arrangements need to change a bit.' Um. They have children. Who need looking after and paying for. This doesn't cease to need to happen because parents split up. If one parent decides to move on, the other one isn't left with a whole lot of choice, is she are they?

It’s not worth a fuss for 30 minutes, but maybe he should offer to have them overnight if it is more convenient. Otherwise, given that it is her time, he can tell her to book a babysitter.