to be sick of DP's ex wife's demands

[forestcookie]

The dc live with her primarily but DP does loads. He takes the dc to school 2 mornings a week so she can go to work early and miss the traffic, he has to be at her house for 7.45am. He picks the children up once or twice a week, depending if it's his weekend or not - has them EOW for 3 nights. He would pick them up more but he works late 3 nights a week. He is on 25k, she is on something like 40k but she has standard office hours - 9-5, no late nights etc. He is in a tiny rented 1 bedroom flat, she has a large 3 bedroom house with a garden, driveway etc. She also gets child benefit and UC help, DP doesn't see any of that.

DP has just given her £300 towards their swimming lessons and summer holiday clubs - his "half", IMO she should pay more because she earns more, and I don't know why he is paying towards childcare because UC pay for it, but he didn't want her to kick off.

Now he usually picks up the children on Wednesday nights from after school club, again this enables her to work. She has just told him that tomorrow night she is going to see a friend for dinner and won't be back until 9.30pm. DP usually likes to leave her house by 9pm so he can get home and have dinner and prepare for work the next day. DP has told her this and she has kicked off saying she doesn't have a life or time to socialise (she does). I don't think she should be going out that night anyway, because DP has to be in her house without her which I don't really like. He has offered to have the kids overnight Wednesday nights but the dc don't want this.

AIBU to tell DP to put his foot down? He is knackered all the time from working late or looking after the DC while she gets to earn more and get home late as long as he is looking after them!

Just wanted to add - I’ve just spoken to my brother .

His salary is £24200. He has to pay £225 per month for 2 children . This is CMS . Also this is his salary , not his take home .

This is utterly pathetic. I can’t believe you are a 29 year old woman inserting yourself so willingly into this man’s drama.

Who cares how much the kid’s pyjamas cost (could be secondhand, gifts etc) or if this woman’s mother helps with school runs? She clearly does work full time, just over four days rather than 5. She stayed in the marital home - so what!? What does it matter what she earns? It is none of your business!

I don’t know what it is about this pathetic man that gets you so involved. If he’s that fussed, he can take her to court. (But I imagine they’d take the view, like me, that he clearly changed job so he wouldn’t have to pay CMS…!

By the sounds of it she thinks the OP should be giving him some of her child benefit, and paying for absolutely everything for the kids, and also give him some more money even though she bought him out, because since then her house has went up in value. Also he should never be asked to take the kids, he should be allowed to take them as and when suits him and if he's tired on one of his weekends and wants some more me time then the ex wife should of course not expect the poor man to take them because he needs to have a life too.

In the same frugi is vvvv cheap...less than £10 or second hand similar or less...sale coming up soon....look you be shocked how much they drop...no one ever pays full price...

Based on £25k a year - pre tax - and this is based on having 2 children and having them overnight 3 nights per week ( which he does not , but as he has them 3 nights so would probably be more than this ) .

£237 per month . He has paid a lot less than that . So no he is not paying “ more than he should “ .

It’s not her job to provide clothes or food or anything for his visitation time!

Self employed bloody well explains it all why in 25k he doesn’t have to pay a penny.

While you lap up his woe is me.

so what if she buys them a pair of £35 pjs. She earns that money. If your partner cannot afford a £6 pair of pjs his got no business trying to save for. A house with a new gf smh

You need to get your head out your bum and in the real world.

Imagine this dead beat is your ex. You provide 90% for your kids and have them mostly bar a couple of nights a Fortnight.

He gets a new partner who expects you to fully kit out his measly flat with all their clothes and van your kids form parties on his time, yet he could earn more but cnba and has excuse after excuse his new girlfriend lapping it up how you on your higher wage should basically pay him to parent his own children. You’d piss yourself laughing at her stupidity.

It seems yih are really jealous that she rarns fairly decent money. Talking about how unfair it is that he pays for his own kids when she earns more?

Having earned that myself s few years ago I can say I didn't get anything from UC. Are you sure she does? Or is it CB?

Honestly, yiu haven't even met the kids or her and you are all wound up about her. All based on his pov.

OK, so you hate this woman. Why is it inappropriate for him to spend time in their previous house without her (even better than with surely), but also, how do oyu know she walks around in a towel? And passes him on a landing? Does he hang around on the said landing waiting for her to pass him in the towel?
What a bizarre description.

Miaow.

You are in the wrong and you are coming across as jealous and spiteful of and towards children of the man you say you love and extremely resentful of a woman who is looking after his, and obviously hers before you say it, children.

Ooooh yeah I bet the ex rubs her hands gleefully when she receives that paltry sum, be it weekly or monthly. She must really be living the high life 🙄

Quite honestly my DH would love to have as much time as your partner does, but it’s never made easy! When you have a partner that has children they come first, full stop. Even I, having been in SS12 life for over 10 years now spoil him bloody rotten, but he’s a great kid.

Perfect

Oh no! A dad raising his own children!! Shocking.
YABU. She is doing far, far more than him and it is nothing to do with you.

Yeah I don’t know why she works when she’s being completely funded by him!

It's so depressing that even on a thread where the OP admits her partner doesn't pay maintenance, the phrase "MN hates stepmums, you're all a bunch of bitter ex-wives" has been trotted out.

Has it ever occurred to the posters who parrot that catchphrase that people are reacting to the content of stepmums' posts, not just deciding "she's a stepmum, we hate her"? There's still a strong societal belief that mothers are primarily responsible for their children, and anything fathers do is some sort of optional extra. This is heavily reflected in posts from stepmums, many of whom think their partner is "helping" or "doing his ex a favour" by looking after or providing for his own children.

Is this a joke post ? !
The children are equally BOTH of their responsibility and she is clearly doing a lot more for the children than him in absolutely every way possible.

why on earth shouldn’t he provide clothes for them? why shouldn’t he pay half for their lessons? Why shouldn’t he collect the children so she can work to provide a suitable home for HIS children ?
Their childcare and financial arrangements are absolutely nothing to do with you whatsoever. I am totally shocked that you think it’s any of your business when she has a shower in her own home, when she asks their grandparent to collect them, when they are good enough swimmers to not need swimming lessons , where she buys their clothes from and how much she spends.
you googled the cost of the clothes ?! You are massively overstepping and sound totally unsuitable to date someone with children

I remember working full time and getting no benefits at all . Then I had to work in the holidays for £25 a week as the rest went on childcare .

Is that what he says as he can see you are so full of jealousy?

Or does he mean 'she doesn't dress in a way I find attractive now we aren't together'.

Or maybe 'since I can't possible step up and do 50% she doesn't have that much time anymore'

But whatever way he said it, didn't this put you off him? Why on earth was he commenting on her appearance? What has her appearance got to do with him?

Men who insult their exs to try and make the newer gf feel better are rank.

How can she be a stepmum when she has never meet the kids?

You don't have your own children together do you?

You are being very silly. If he still lived at home he'd likely have to do a lot more in terms of childcare. It took two of them to make the children and now it takes two to look after them.

This .

Such a pressure is put on mothers . Like the dad is amazing if he sees his children . I remember , years ago , my ex referring to the time he had his daughter as “ babysitting “ - if I went out on the nights he had her he would say he is babysitting so I can go out . He once even said to me , after I split up with a partner “ don’t go using me to look after her so you can go on dates “ - …. Ok so should I go on dates when she’s not with you and take her along ?

Yet if he was to go out on any of the ( 5 other ) nights that she was living with me that would not be classed as me babysitting !

@forestcookie
she may not necessarily get all of the childcare back. 85% is added as an element on your Uc. Then deductions are made based off salary above the work allowance, so it could be that she gets childcare of £850 but her deductions are £400 so she only gets the £450.

i think you do need to back off a bit as well. I don’t think you realise how much having a child costs. He shouldn’t be going off what CMS says ( because he was self employed and couldn’t prove his income) she should be contributing half of the costs of the children- food, higher utilities, clothes, activities. Every month not just at school holidays.

Also you sound so bitter- she gets 3 nights every other weekend to socialise- he gets all the other nights.
half an hour later one evening isn’t going to make a massive difference.

Or if Tesco is so cheap , and he’s happy to just put his children in the cheapest clothes ( which btw Tesco’s isn’t cheap - I don’t think anywhere is now really except shein that shrinks on the first wash ! ) then why can’t he just go and buy a few outfits ?

I'm a bit confused OP. You say that your DP is self employed and gets help with his rent. So he does get UC. How are you hoping to get a mortgage if he has been self employed for a short time only and is earning £25,000? Won't the mortgage company want accounts for at least a couple of years?

How long after he split with his ex did you meet him? You said he got divorced last year but you've been together for 2 years. And I agree with others you seem to know an awful lot of detail about his ex's finances. It all sounds very stressful for you if he spends so much of your time together complaining. Wouldn't you be better off with a less complicated relationship? The ex is going to be in your DP's life for a long time.