to be sick of DP's ex wife's demands

[forestcookie]

The dc live with her primarily but DP does loads. He takes the dc to school 2 mornings a week so she can go to work early and miss the traffic, he has to be at her house for 7.45am. He picks the children up once or twice a week, depending if it's his weekend or not - has them EOW for 3 nights. He would pick them up more but he works late 3 nights a week. He is on 25k, she is on something like 40k but she has standard office hours - 9-5, no late nights etc. He is in a tiny rented 1 bedroom flat, she has a large 3 bedroom house with a garden, driveway etc. She also gets child benefit and UC help, DP doesn't see any of that.

DP has just given her £300 towards their swimming lessons and summer holiday clubs - his "half", IMO she should pay more because she earns more, and I don't know why he is paying towards childcare because UC pay for it, but he didn't want her to kick off.

Now he usually picks up the children on Wednesday nights from after school club, again this enables her to work. She has just told him that tomorrow night she is going to see a friend for dinner and won't be back until 9.30pm. DP usually likes to leave her house by 9pm so he can get home and have dinner and prepare for work the next day. DP has told her this and she has kicked off saying she doesn't have a life or time to socialise (she does). I don't think she should be going out that night anyway, because DP has to be in her house without her which I don't really like. He has offered to have the kids overnight Wednesday nights but the dc don't want this.

AIBU to tell DP to put his foot down? He is knackered all the time from working late or looking after the DC while she gets to earn more and get home late as long as he is looking after them!

Another fucking man who's opted out of most of the parenting and portrays himself as a saint for paying a piddly £300 towards holiday clubs.

Who has to take the day off if the kids are sick? Their mum.

Who arranges their dentist/hairdresser/swimming? Their mum.

Who still has to look after them even if she herself is not feeling well? Their mum.

And she earns £40k. That is not a huge salary. Especially when you're supporting kids and running a big house.

She's doing EVERYTHING for these kids. He's doing fuck all. Tell me, what happens if their mum dies and he has to look after them full time? Who will he blame for his shit income, living situation, and the fact he has to stay in every night to look after them?

You are beyond deluded, OP.

If he has had children then he should pay half of their upkeep. It’s part of the responsibility of having children regardless of earnings. The children should be a priority here including quality time together.

I grew up without my father financially or emotionally and it isn’t great.

OP is overpaid at £30k a year. Complete lack of logic, reasoning, empathy, common sense. Obtuse, jealous, and cruel. Perhaps OP is a local politician?

If my Exs girlfriend came on here disclosing my income , how I earn more and uc pays my childcare I’d be having a word with her about my privacy and my children’s.

its not your buisness what he pays, she is entitled to have a judge set it too if you and DP would prefer that?

What do you think your DP should be paying towards his DC’s? It seems like you don’t think he should pay at all. I don’t think it matters what the ex earns your DP should still be paying towards his children

I’m sorry OP but you sound like a cartoon Disney stepmother. Do you want the kids to be sent out chimney sweeping so they can pay their way? I think you need to check yourself

This 👆100% sounds controlling.
None of your business - he’s their dad so leave him to it.

💯 this!!

OP you are way too opinionated and involved in a situation which is none of your business.

And that is coming from someone who is on both sides of the situation as both me and my husband had kids when we met.

You need to give your head a wobble!

I am in the exact same situation with my partner but honestly you are being so unreasonable here

He’s their father, why shouldn’t he be paying 50%? And as for agreeing to go to parties and us having to buy a present, honestly grow up. The child will have wanted to go, it costs a tenner to buy a cheap bored game or craft game. This happens all the time with my partners, we buy the present, child goes and has a great time and we move on. By luck of the draw she’ll have as many parties as you do

Honestly you sound so incredibly selfish and have no idea what the realities of being a parent are. Scrimping and saving to ensure your children are provided for is literally what parents (single or otherwise) up and down the country do on a daily basis. It’s what me and my partner do for his. You need to leave because you clearly despise his children before you’ve met them and this won’t work if you can’t see why he, as their father, should provide for them

Frugi is having a sale on PJs!!!

Hes not exactly going to say she’s gorgeous to his new partner anyway , but it’s unkind to be commenting .

My husband has never put down the mother of his children to me and I really respect that! I would think differently of him if he did .

I think you need to detach. You know far too much and have too many opinions on what should and shouldn't happen. My ex is an ar*e but at least his wife (OW) doesn't get involved.

Your DP needs to formalise everything, contact including overnight, CMS, agreements over other spending (or not), childcare. Then he needs to stick to it. The DC’s need stability and consistency.

He could ask for 50/50 care and everyone would know where the DC’s are and when. Financial contributions will be based on this.

He and you need to detach and not be so bitter about what his ExW has. It doesn't matter what she has, it is hers. He and you need to work out how you can better your lot, if that is what you want.

I hope someone reports him for benefit fraud if this is real.

Op: Am I being unreasonable.....

Everyone: Yes you are being very unreasonable..

Op: I'm not listening.....sticks fingers in ears....

How exactly is the ex getting her own way?
She has the dc 11 out of 14 nights. She does 3/5 school runs.

If he's earning £25k it's unlikely he's paying her much in support if anything.

Where exactly is she taking advantage?

OP is begrudging him paying half of a club cost for HIS CHILDREN

I think it would be interesting for OP to comment what would be a solution to her .

what would you think is reasonable for him to contribute ?

what do you think should change with the current set up and how could you do that ?

It seems reading all your responses, that the generalisation is to stay out of it. I agree! I don’t know how serious your relationship is with this guy but please remember a child has two parents. One of which (usually the mother) takes care of them full time with the other partner doing what they can to a) see their children; b) give them financial security and c) give up their time when an emergency or the full time parent needs time to ‘have a life’! The full time parent of children is rarely given a chance to go out and have their own space with adults. They are constantly at the beck and call of their children, eg waking them up, getting them ready for school, taking them to school or wherever they need to go, making their lunch packs, caring for them when they are sick (which is often when mixing with others at school), meet the teacher days, making regular meals for them, doctor’s appointments, dentist visits, getting them socially involved in sports … you fill in the blanks. All this as well as constantly cleaning the house, ensuring the kids are clean and healthy. Do you seriously think your partner is doing too much in comparison? I’m asking you to simply think twice before making unjustified decisions about the time he spends with his kids, no matter who earns what. I bet the mother works from home. If so, there will be lots of interruptions by the children. And please let his ex take time off occasionally to have her own ‘adult’ space. Appreciate her, don’t see bad in her. There’s a lot involved in parenting … it’s a full time job and he seems to be putting in a lot less effort and possibly it seems, whingeing to you about it! He obviously has more time than she does to get into another relationship. Please remember there are two sides to every story. Don’t get caught up in their parenting issues. Your relationship will not work if you do. Both of them made those children so they should be left to work out the best way to be parents to them.

Just wait till you are the ex with children. And there’s another woman….

MN should have a bookmark feature so we can follow up.

How are you this invested in the minute details of this woman's life? Your whiney excuse for a man doesn't even think you're good enough to meet his kids after how long? I wouldn't be surprised if the ex and kids don't even know you exist. Get a grip.

The children are half his so he should pay half the costs. What their mother earns is irrelevant to the dad as they are not in a relationship. It is not her job to subsidise his earnings anymore, that is what partners do.

having the children 2 weekends a month and taking them to school a couple of times a week is no where near ‘doing loads’.

Does make me wonder ….. if he’s self employed earning £25k but CMS apparently say he doesn’t have to pay towards the upkeep of his children … then what is he declaring as earnings ?

Please stay out of these children's lives. You are a terrible person, and no can come of your involvement with them.

Its none of your business OP. His ex, his kids, his business. It doesn’t sound like he is doing anything near to 50% and you are begrudging her an extra half hour? Honestly you have no clue, back off and leave it to him.

Ex gets 85% of childcare costs back through UC. Yet she still expects (and DP pays) 50% from DP. so she is actually making a profit !! She sends DP the invoices so I can see how much they cost.
Are you serious? Making a PROFIT? He has them 6 nights a month and you think she is making a profit from his meagre offering? Do you actually have a clue how much it costs to raise children?

CMS said he didn't have to pay anything so he is paying over what he absolutely has to.
No Petal. He doesn't pay nothing because CMS says so. He pays because he is their FUCKING FATHER
In what universe is it ok for a parent to not pay for their own dc because CMS says so. And you think yes some kind if hero for paying a bit?

Please don't have children. You haven't got the maturity or understanding of parenting yet

I was going to post a reply detailing all of the ways in which OP is being unreasonable, but then I remembered the following helpful phrase: Never wrestle with a pig. You both get dirty and only the pig enjoys it.