to be sick of DP's ex wife's demands

[forestcookie]

The dc live with her primarily but DP does loads. He takes the dc to school 2 mornings a week so she can go to work early and miss the traffic, he has to be at her house for 7.45am. He picks the children up once or twice a week, depending if it's his weekend or not - has them EOW for 3 nights. He would pick them up more but he works late 3 nights a week. He is on 25k, she is on something like 40k but she has standard office hours - 9-5, no late nights etc. He is in a tiny rented 1 bedroom flat, she has a large 3 bedroom house with a garden, driveway etc. She also gets child benefit and UC help, DP doesn't see any of that.

DP has just given her £300 towards their swimming lessons and summer holiday clubs - his "half", IMO she should pay more because she earns more, and I don't know why he is paying towards childcare because UC pay for it, but he didn't want her to kick off.

Now he usually picks up the children on Wednesday nights from after school club, again this enables her to work. She has just told him that tomorrow night she is going to see a friend for dinner and won't be back until 9.30pm. DP usually likes to leave her house by 9pm so he can get home and have dinner and prepare for work the next day. DP has told her this and she has kicked off saying she doesn't have a life or time to socialise (she does). I don't think she should be going out that night anyway, because DP has to be in her house without her which I don't really like. He has offered to have the kids overnight Wednesday nights but the dc don't want this.

AIBU to tell DP to put his foot down? He is knackered all the time from working late or looking after the DC while she gets to earn more and get home late as long as he is looking after them!

Maybe she buys them on vinted like I do.

And by "as if they are still a couple" you mean as if they are still both equal parents. How unreasonably "demanding".

Honestly , you do sound like you are really nit picking . The child has a choice - should she say “ I’ll ask daddy before you can decide if you want to go “ ? And a card and a present is not a lot .

I share custody with my ex - not court ordered - his dad has him 3 nights I have him 4 - nan does all school runs . She agrees to parties without consulting either of us because she knows we would never stop him and would just work it out. If it falls on my day , I get the present and vice versa . He gives me no maintenance but he buys him anything he needs … he takes him to football and I pay half to that because I want to . He pays half to childcare regardless of whose days it falls on . If I needed anything and I couldn’t afford it ( although I’m in a 2 income household) he would get it no questions ask as would I if it was the other way around . He would never , ever question my finances and whether I could afford more nor does he base what he pays on what CMS would say he should . I will add that we actually have a very fractured relationship- he’s treated me poorly in the past and I wouldn’t say outside of being a father he was a great person - but he stands up and provides for his child no questions asked because that’s what decent fathers do , this is how it is when both parents do what’s best for the children .

I'm going to take the entirety of what you are saying with a massive pinch of salt. You have clearly wrote this from a position of rage. First and foremost, she cannot earn anywhere remotely near 40k and receive universal credit (a quick search would show you this after 25k in London and 22 outside this will be lost). Also 300 for summer isn't loads and she does do the bulk of the childcare. He actually sounds like he should pick up the slack or change job to a less demanding one or higher earning one

So she gets expensive clothes for them , sent some at Christmas but won’t send more . Why should she buy expensive clothes and then send them to him ? Why can’t he buy them? If you mean he has contributed to them and she wont send them then that’s different but if he hasn’t then he needs to just buy clothes himself.

You also say why should he buy them when they’re not with him much … so they’re not with him much , they’re with her .

Then you say that he doesn’t have the luxury of the holidays that she does on her salary - nothing to do with it !

As for her living in the house that he contributed to in the past - that was when they were together , they are not now and she has bought him out so the house is nothing to do with him. It doesn’t matter if it went up in value by 100% it’s not his house , it’s nothing to do with the situation.

She could be a millionaire and it would not matter - he would still have to contribute they are his children !

There is a mistake with CMS - there is no way he would pay nothing !’you have been told that repeatedly - so , he should expect a big bill ! My husband was paying cash to his ex and he forgot one time , so they had a row and she said she would go to CMS …. The following week almost all of his wages ( it was a short week anyway ) were gone as he had had an order attached . This will come back and bite him .

Not to mention the fact that just because CMS say he pays nothing doesn’t mean he shouldn’t . He’s on 25k and you’re acting as though even a £1 would be above what he should just because they say he shouldn’t.

Yjen your last comment about her not taking care of her appearance is bitchy .

You have commented on her getting swimming lessons for her child , allowing her to go to parties and buying expensive clothes as though these are negatives . They are not .

You have already set the tone for a fractured relationship with her and the children , so expect that .

People have told you you are wrong about things - with actual proof - and yet you still will not accept it . You aren’t a parent or a step parent and are being given advice by parents but refuse to take it and view his relationship with his children as a transaction .

I feel sorry for you and how you will come down to earth with a bump if you ever have children and have to deal with being seperated .

She must surely be mourning having thrown away her one chance at lifelong bliss with such a prize.

Stop complaining. He’s parenting his children. You don’t like it, find someone else without kids

he has children. He had obligations towards being a father to his children

stop whinging about it

Would love to see you walk a mile in the ex wife’s shoes

Wow. You are a piece of work, OP. Can't cope with someone earning more than you. Pretending the ex works part time 'cos she's condensed her hours. Prentending that she has more than enough free time with her one day off a week and every other weekend. Begruding children attending a party and having to buy a small present. Angry that the ex owns her own home when you don't. Angry the children were what you consider to be expensive clothes. Upset he makes a £300 contribution once every 3 months. Honestly, OP, you're a nightmare. This is not the relationship for you. Walk away and do everyone a favour.

That’s not quite correct. UC is a collective of many different benefits. Depending on what aspects you claim, earning over 25k may not stop uc. Some benefits negate the benefit cap as well.

Every poster not reading the previous comments and saying the same thing. The mob has spoken. Make your own mind up!

He takes his own kids to school twice a week to enable their mom to work. Can you actually hear yourself. I am guessing you don’t have kids. They are his kids it doesn’t sound like he does loads not even 50/50. I very much doubt in 40k she gets much UC.l despite what other posts on MN seem to think. And I seriously suggest you leave them to it’s you sound toxic in all honesty

How is asking him to look after his own kids using them as a weapon? Bollocks.

YABU - none of your business.

What do you mean?

BTW OP - working condensed hours doesn't equate to working part-time.

Well they are his kids 🤔 Imagine if you’d split up from your kids dad and he turns up to have them a couple of nights a week and take them to school a couple of mornings, then some daft lass he’s been with 5 minutes isn’t having it apparently? You’d go ballistic wouldn’t you.

This is absolutely none of your business what so ever and is between the parents of the children. You have no right to interfere. Her earnings and accommodation is nothing to do with you, nor your DP.
It is his responsibility to be a parent to his children and that should come above and beyond anything to do with you whatsoever.

Wait until you have kids of your own then you’ll see how frequently these parties are for kids your own kids barely know, I don’t think your DP’s ex is being unreasonable, these parties are literally every weekend over a certain period of the kids lives!

I’m really getting vibes that your DP might not be all he projects to be and his ex probably knows exactly what you’re letting yourself in for if you commit to him

she doesn't make any effort with her appearance these days according to DP

Sorry but I think he’s trying to throw you off the scent here.. 🤔 And if he’s not, he’s not very nice to speak about the mother of his children like that. Maybe she doesn’t have time to make an effort due to having two primary age kids and a full time job…

OP, Are you wanting to settle down with this man?
I am struggling to understand how you see £40k as a high salary.
I really think you need to step back.

This is where I worry about the permissive society we've created for ourselves.

The assumption that the man can just up sticks when he gets bored of the marriage amd then become an occasional parent with all the contact at his discretion.

My sister ex is like this - he is completely inflexible and only does what he wants to do, when he wants to do it.

His new partner would very much like my sister not to exist, other than to tsje care of all the pedestrian aspects of parenting on weekdays.

If you don't like it, find a guy without kids.

I’m coming around to that feeling too.

Speaking as both a mother and step mother here.

Party is a non issue. It's not even a demand, it's information that the child has something on going over your time so you need to take them.

Pyjama's and change of clothes also a non issue. You do not need to buy designer clothes solely because that's what they have at their Mums's. It is 4 days, go to the supermarket and get something that looks decent and doesn't cost a fortune. Mum has them to provide for them the rest of the month, it's the least he can do.

He can get a better job but retraining. He can take online courses or do voluntary work for experience while he's barely working.

It is not the exes fault that she got into a decent job and he didn't. He doesn't even have to worry about child care, he can literally go for any career he wants.

I have dealt with a very, very bitter ex wife who made our lives a misery, but this isn't it.

If he wants to take them away then start saving in a credit union, look for deals at Butlins or similar. It's totally unfair for the kids to miss out on going with their Mum just because their Dad has chosen a life path that doesn't earn much.

The ex may have a decent salary but she also has to pay all the bills, any after-school activities, parties on her time, clothing and trying to give them a holiday with next to zero support financially.

And she does deserve a break to see friends as she is pretty much full time parent with 4 days off. Her Mum has to help so she can WORK and provide for her children as your DP is incapable of doing so.

I am normally very pro Step Mum due to my experiences but I'm afraid the only thing I agree with you on is she shouldn't be walking about only in a towel while her ex is there.

You also need to ask yourself why the children don't want to stay with him during the week.

You def are not coming across as a nice person and sound extremely naive and selfish, you have no clue what it's like to divorce and raise children on your own. Stay in your lane.

So she only gets a break/night off to see friends every other weekend. Apart from that she has the children or is working. Her earnings and home are irrelevant. They both chose to have children. Yes he should have them one night a week while she sees a friend for not much longer than normal. He needs to step up. Yes he can have them in their home they are his children. It doesn’t matter if you like it. His children come first.