to be sick of DP's ex wife's demands

[forestcookie]

The dc live with her primarily but DP does loads. He takes the dc to school 2 mornings a week so she can go to work early and miss the traffic, he has to be at her house for 7.45am. He picks the children up once or twice a week, depending if it's his weekend or not - has them EOW for 3 nights. He would pick them up more but he works late 3 nights a week. He is on 25k, she is on something like 40k but she has standard office hours - 9-5, no late nights etc. He is in a tiny rented 1 bedroom flat, she has a large 3 bedroom house with a garden, driveway etc. She also gets child benefit and UC help, DP doesn't see any of that.

DP has just given her £300 towards their swimming lessons and summer holiday clubs - his "half", IMO she should pay more because she earns more, and I don't know why he is paying towards childcare because UC pay for it, but he didn't want her to kick off.

Now he usually picks up the children on Wednesday nights from after school club, again this enables her to work. She has just told him that tomorrow night she is going to see a friend for dinner and won't be back until 9.30pm. DP usually likes to leave her house by 9pm so he can get home and have dinner and prepare for work the next day. DP has told her this and she has kicked off saying she doesn't have a life or time to socialise (she does). I don't think she should be going out that night anyway, because DP has to be in her house without her which I don't really like. He has offered to have the kids overnight Wednesday nights but the dc don't want this.

AIBU to tell DP to put his foot down? He is knackered all the time from working late or looking after the DC while she gets to earn more and get home late as long as he is looking after them!

Also, why do you care? You haven’t even met the children yet so you’re not going to be merging your lives & living together anytime soon. The process of them getting to know you gradually will probably take about a year in itself & he doesn’t seem to have any intention of starting that process. What if you do eventually meet them & they don’t get on with you? Then all this hand wringing and bitterness over his ex wife would be for nothing anyway (even more so than it already is).

Also you seem obsessed with her financial status. She could be a multimillionaire & it still doesn’t mean that your boyfriend shouldn’t pay for his children. And yes that includes clothes! They are 50% his. She can spend what she wants on pajamas. If she earns a great wage then good for her. Your boyfriend can easily go to a supermarket like you suggested she do, and deck them out in a way that’s more suited to his personal earnings.

The comment about her not making an effort with her appearance anymore is gross. But then I’m not the type of woman who enjoys hearing men shit over people they used to love. Can’t be that bad looking to him can she - he fancied & loved her enough to marry her eye roll

Look it from the other side OP

My children live with me apart from 6 nights a month.

Despite this exH doesn't pay any maintenance as he fiddles his self employment figures.

He used to earn around 60k but dropped it to 25k to stop him having to pay maintenance and now complains he's skint.

He doesn't have any supplies at his house and expects me to provide them. Because he decided to massively drop his earnings, he also doesn't even provide a proper bed or bedroom for them.

He also complains at having to pay half for clubs that his children attend and whinges at paying a fiver for a card/present for a birthday party.

He's a loser and a completely useless father.

Please explain how looking after HIS OWN CHILDREN is putting his ex first.
Does that mean that the ex wife is putting the OPs boyfriend first the vast majority of the time by minding her own children or is she just being a mother?

The boyfriend should be paying towards her childrens needs and he should be looking after them and spending time with them. It's literally nothing to do with the ex. He's a parent ffs and should be acting like one.

She might be buying them expensive pj's but remember, she can't afford anything for herself. That's why she lives in a towel when DP is around. Poor woman being so broke 😥

Why are you checking websites to find out how much your DP's children's (who you have never met) pyjama's cost? Why do you care how much their pyjamas cost? You see overly fixated on your DPs ex's income and expenditure. It's nothing to do with you. And however much she earns, however much she can afford to spend on pyjamas, holidays, whatever, is irrelevant, your DP still needs to contribute his share. He is their father so he has a financial obligation to them.

Insane thread

You sound absolutely awful. So spiteful about a woman you have never met, one who is clearly successful and together.

why do people keep saying they feel sorry for the children? They have a great life - big house, holidays, activities, go to an outstanding school etc. tbf to the ex she did want to stay in the area so they could stay in their school.

Because their dad doesn't want to be a parent clearly, he acts like he's doing the ex a big favour every time he looks after them, he feels sorry for himself when he has to mind them, he resents having to pay anything towards them.

Because they're going to have you in their life (if your boyfriend ever introduces you),someone who hates their mother for no reason, who blames her for expecting the dad to take on some of the responsibility of parenting, which she should want to do anyway.

Because if you had it your way the ex would pay nothing financially and therefore their standard of living would drop because you think that the ex should pay for everything.

To be honest the pjs one has jumped the shark for me. The specific expensive brand, I genuinely can’t see how that would come up in conversation. Unless the op is genuinely so nutso she’s rifling through the kids clothes when she’s over to see how much the evil ex is spending with poor (poor) boyfriends money…

wow, OP, women like you literally make my blood boil. YABU. Please leave this relationship; your partners kids need and deserve a Dad.

“no I won't be suggesting that , she doesn't make any effort with her appearance these days according to DP”

😂😂😂
Your jealousy is unbelievable. He found her attractive enough to marry her, live with her, have kids with her…he won’t even introduce you to his kids.
Worry about yourself.

Wait- you haven’t even met the kids but you’re checking the labels in their pyjamas? That is creepy af.

either accept it or move on

your issues isn't with your partners demanding ex, she has reasonable expectations from the father of their children

your issue its that your partner is more involved with his children and with his ex partner than you want him to be

How did he pay for the first wardrobe? The £300 he gave his ex was for childcare according to you. Money certainly goes a lot further in your world than mine.

He spends every other weekend with his kids, do you spend the other weekends together just sitting and slagging off his ex?

There’s no way Op earns £30k and is this insanely jealous of a single parent on £40k who has no financial support from the useless father.
I hope to god the Ex realises it’s her on this thread, (do you buy Frugi pj’s?) and immediately rushes out and gets a restraining order from this absolute nutter!

Yep nobody is that unhinged 😂😂 was a very funny post tho!

Ffs, are you thick?? No, don't answer that, we already know. If your DP cares so much about his kids, he would buy clothes and everything else and do all he could to get a better flat and earn more.
I'll bet you expect his ex to send the kids off to his with bags of food from their fridge.
Yes his kids must have a LOVELY life, all the trimmings except a dad who does fuck all above the very bare minimum.
Make sure your contraception is watertight, don't want any more yous around and he won't be able to pay for your child either.

Someone made an important point upthread about all this wasted energy on these bitter obessions that could be going into building a career. This guy needs to channel his energy away from all of the resentment about the break up and accept it has happened, accept that life is very expensive for divorced people, accept that wife's "demands" all actually are just normal parts of being an organised and good parent. Ultimately, if his DC can have a good range of activities, have their friends and be supported in their education, everyone's life will turn out happier.

Bitterness is an awful energy to allow to lead your life.

A whole £300 at Easter time, and a whole £300 now for summer camps and swimming lessons, and according to the OP that means he's paying for those things, maintenance and also the exes child care.

He's going above and beyond because CMS said he should pay nothing 😅and yet this man is paying for all of his childrens activities, childcare and paying maintenance, all for £100 a month or so. Amazing.

It's only the money that goes towards his kids that manages to stretch so far though 😂

So many things wrong with this post.

1. ’not really fair that his ex gets to take them away on her high salary’. £40000 is not a particularly high salary for someone in their late thirties. Beyond this… she works for that salary. She proved herself to get that job and she continues to prove herself to keep it, in difficult circumstances as she is the main full time parent for two young children. It is not her fault that your ‘partner’ is either only able or willing to earn half as much, nor that you earn 10k less than her. It is positive that she chooses to spend her disposable income on taking her children away whilst your ‘partner’ opts out of even paying basic child maintenance.
2. Your ‘partner’ ‘has to scrimp and save’ because he has deliberately chosen to take a low paying job. You claim this is in order to see his children more, yet he barely sees them. The reality is he has taken a low paying job and/or is not properly declaring his income because he is evading child maintenance. For some reason he does not consider his children as his financial responsibility.
3. ‘there wouldn’t be any point in telling ex to arrange outfits’- why does a grown man approaching 40 need help dressing his own children?
4. ‘Ex will not lend him any clothes […] she gave him loads over Christmas.’ Why is he not responsible for buying clothes for his children? Again, I refer back to the fact that he is 50% responsible for his children in every sense.
5. ’Almost all the clothes are too small now. The ones she gave him for the smallest are all size 3-4 for example, he is 6!’ I know you are outraged at her audacity OP, but all this does is draw attention to the fact that your dear ‘partner’ hadn’t bothered to buy any clothes for his children in 3 or 4 years.

What a Prince among men. I bet the ex just can’t wait to lure him over for 30 minutes of babysitting so she can finally get her unmanicured nails back in to him. Money grabbing harlot.