to be sick of DP's ex wife's demands

[forestcookie]

The dc live with her primarily but DP does loads. He takes the dc to school 2 mornings a week so she can go to work early and miss the traffic, he has to be at her house for 7.45am. He picks the children up once or twice a week, depending if it's his weekend or not - has them EOW for 3 nights. He would pick them up more but he works late 3 nights a week. He is on 25k, she is on something like 40k but she has standard office hours - 9-5, no late nights etc. He is in a tiny rented 1 bedroom flat, she has a large 3 bedroom house with a garden, driveway etc. She also gets child benefit and UC help, DP doesn't see any of that.

DP has just given her £300 towards their swimming lessons and summer holiday clubs - his "half", IMO she should pay more because she earns more, and I don't know why he is paying towards childcare because UC pay for it, but he didn't want her to kick off.

Now he usually picks up the children on Wednesday nights from after school club, again this enables her to work. She has just told him that tomorrow night she is going to see a friend for dinner and won't be back until 9.30pm. DP usually likes to leave her house by 9pm so he can get home and have dinner and prepare for work the next day. DP has told her this and she has kicked off saying she doesn't have a life or time to socialise (she does). I don't think she should be going out that night anyway, because DP has to be in her house without her which I don't really like. He has offered to have the kids overnight Wednesday nights but the dc don't want this.

AIBU to tell DP to put his foot down? He is knackered all the time from working late or looking after the DC while she gets to earn more and get home late as long as he is looking after them!

Presumably if he were planning to take them away for the weekend, he would have shared this information with both them and their mother to ensure that they had the right outfits for whatever activities he was going to do!

I would suggest again @forestcookie that you consider how you would like this man to behave towards you and any child you might have with him (even if you don't want one - just use your imagination). Wouldn't you want your joint child to be the priority? Wouldn't you want him to think that your DC's needs came before that of his own or his partner.

You've got this all arse about tit! If you want a good man, look at his actions. Nothing you have said about this man so far is saying good to me. It is saying resentful, unsupportive and begrudging.

🤣🤣🤣 well considering he doesn’t pay maintenance that’s hardly a massive outlay for him anyway. As for not knowing the child, I doubt his ex is besties with a primary age child from school either. You really have no clue about parenting and how it works.

On the maintenance issue, how is it he’s able to afford to save for a house to buy with you but not pay regular maintenance for his kids?

DP earns 33% below the national average, despite being in his late 30s. He has a complicated relationship with XW. There are disagreements about bedtimes, who will watch the children/where, who will take DC to birthday parties, who will source the gifts for birthday parties, who should pay for swimming lessons…the list goes on and on.

You’re 29. Throw this one back and find someone your own age without an XW or DC.

@LostTheMarble

Even my ex has never been this childish about needing to take one child to another place whilst he has time with the others, it’s for the benefit of the kids.

I think this is the problem here. OP seems to think the kids are there for the benefit of the father. It's HIS time, after all.

This thread has made me unbelievably angry and I am not even a single mum with a feckless ex so I do commend the vast majority of posters for being so calm and measured in their responses. I am not convinced however that the OP deserves it.

This is my honest opinion of you and the situation OP since you asked for it. The parenting and financial arrangements of your ‘partner’ is none of your business. I use ‘partner’ in inverted commas because he is not your partner in any tangible way. Even if he was committed (which again, he isn’t) you would or at least should have no influence over his co-parenting relationship with his ex.

Hypothetically let’s pretend that is not the case and that your opinion on him as a parent does have some relevance to the situation. He is 50% responsible for his children. He is not providing 50% of the practical or financial care. People have clearly explained to you how universal credit works so let’s disregard childcare costs for now. Even without that huge expense, £300 every few months is nowhere near 50% of the cost of feeding and clothing two growing children, before you even take in to account increased bills, school trips, activities, pocket money etc. I would be very surprised if the OP has any disposable income. Myself and my husband have a combined income of £80000 and only one child and once childcare and essential bills/food is taken in to account, our disposable income just about covers our weekly takeaway. The ex wife is almost certainly living a far more frugal lifestyle than your ahem ‘partner’.

i don’t know how self aware you are but you come across as very young for your age (I was shocked that you are 29), very selfish and ultimately very jealous. The jealousy makes sense though… he loved her enough to marry her. To have kids with her. To buy a house with her. To do all the things he hasn’t shown any real interest in doing with you. Beyond that, it is becoming increasingly obvious through the details you are omitting about your own situation that you are envious of her personally. I strongly suspect she is more successful than you as you appear to perceive a a 40k salary as some kind of aspirational lofty height. The shower situation makes you anxious because on some level you wonder if she left him and if he would go back. Ultimately this concern is valid, because however much you resent it, they will always be tied together and have a bond that you can never have with him. She is first wife, and the mother of his children, and you hate her for it.

Plus, I bet she looks damn good in a towel.

'D'P would be able to take his children on holiday if he hadn't sacked his job off to take a less well paid one so he didn't have to pay maintenance like a low life.

'D'P isn't buying a birthday present for the mother of his children, he's buying a birthday present for the friend of his child, as he should do.

'D'P doesn't contribute properly to the raising of his children, not because of his ex wife but because he's a shit dad, I mean 300 quid every few months?!!! 🤣🤣🤣

I'll ask again, what do YOU think your 'D'P should be contributing, financially, every month for his children?

It's not the wrong wording that's your problem, it's your whole wrong attitude that leads to your wrong wording.

This is a joke, right? 😂 THAT'S WHAT PARENTS DO. That's his responsibility as a parent. Oh dear, I hope for his poor kids' sake that you and him split up.

Do you seriously consider do this 'so' much?! They are his children he should have them half the time. 'He enables her to work' by that notion all the time she has the kids she is enabling him to work. This has got to be the most rubbish post I've ever read

Honestly you're sounding more and more like a petulant 5 year old. I'd stop digging now if I were you. He is nowhere near as invested as you are. Have you asked him why he keeps his family away from you for 2 years? I would also wonder why he tells you his ex walks around in a towel? I mean why would he even tell you that other than to cause you insecurity? Your standards are very low so I expect you do have self esteem issues.

DOESN'T PAY MAINTENANCE SO WHAT IF HE BUYS A POXY BIRTHDAY PRESENT.

He doesn't know his kids friends because he chooses to not be involved enough to know them.

She can afford Center Parks because she works F/T and earns money that supports her and the kid. His kids that again HE DOESN'T PAY MAINTENANCE FOR. He choose to work P/T so he can have his kids, bullshit, for the few days a month he had them so tough shit if he can't afford a holiday. He should WORK MORE.

He's a deadbeat and you're a crank. You deserve eachother.

He's a deadbeat and you're a crank. You deserve eachother.

@Greatmate wins comment of the day!

He doesn't pay CM and you're upset that he gave her 300 for swimming lessons?! What part of HE HAS CHILDREN do you not get? Children he hasn't even introduced you to after two years.

Honestly, I feel most sorry for the children. He's pathetic and you resent their existence. What a shit show.

As a deliberately child free woman, I'm pretty shocked at your attitude towards those children and his ex and quite frankly your most recent posts are embarrassing. What your bf is doing now is the bare minimum that he should be doing. He is half a parent so he should be doing half, his income is irrelevant. Why are you trying to encourage him to be less than a father than he already is? Shameful.

He just your boyfriend as you don't live together. He is a dad and needs to step up more. That's not much time seeing his children

no he has only taken them away once because of affordability. not really fair that the ex gets to take them away on her high salary but DP has to scrimp and save to afford to give her half of the expenses when she would have no problem affording it on her own. there wouldn't be any point in telling Ex to arrange outfits etc - Ex will not lend DP any clothes to keep at his flat any more. She gave him loads over christmas and said she wouldn't be packing clothes for the kids any more and he will have to buy them from now on if he wants to keep clothes at his flat. Almost all of the clothes are too small now. the ones she gave him for the youngest are all size 3-4 for example. he is 6!!

i am not suggesting that child should miss party only that Ex should ask DP if he would mind child going to party on his weekend not just tell him what is going to happen.

as for maintenance i am not sure how many times i can say that DP pays over and above what the CMS say he should. CMS sent Ex a letter saying they will not reassess how much he should contribute because he still gets help with his rent. yes he is self employed. He did not "give up" the job to stop paying maintenance he changed jobs to spend time with the kids because he was going THREE WEEKS without seeing them.

someone asked how much i earn, i earn 30k, not sure why that is relevant though. oh btw the ex doesn't work full time. she condensed her hours down into 4 days so she doesn't work fridays now or something. that's why ex has to go to her house so early on the days he takes them to school. so she has a day off to go see friends etc not sure why she can't see friend then instead of going out for dinner tonight.

why do people keep saying they feel sorry for the children? They have a great life - big house, holidays, activities, go to an outstanding school etc. tbf to the ex she did want to stay in the area so they could stay in their school.

You are the reason people bash the new gf, your reply hasn't made this post any better. He should pay towards childcare costs for kids. If he lived with her still he would have to. He should be looking after his kids more than 2 weekends a month. He should be doing things to make his kids comfortable and looked after. It sounds like the mum has the kids best interest at heart. Just because a child can swim doesn't mean they should stop lessons or how would we ever get top class swimmers? I don't think you have any care for the best interest of these children and definitely shouldn't be in a relationship with their father. Don't be with a man with kids if you don't want to care for the kids. You are actively trying to turn your bf in to a deadbeat dad.

It's not the wrong wording that's your problem, it's your whole wrong attitude that leads to your wrong wording.

I think the OP will interpret your comment as saying, poor dad, he doesn't get much time with them and mean old ex has just given away even more for a kid's party... rather than, her 'partner' isn't putting much time into the kids.

He's self employed, getting help with his rent and doesn't need to pay child support yet earns £25k, that's called fraud OP.

Self employed and doesn’t earn enough to pay child maintenance. I know the type.

Anyone worked out who this low life is yet and want to report him for benefit and tax fraud?

A man who choses not to financially support his children is NOT a catch.

He doesn't pay maintenance or provide for his children's day to day living cost. His contribution is miniscule.

He is self employed and scamming the system to make sure he doesn't have to pay to support his offspring. He is deadbeat scum.

You continue to try justifying the unjustifiable.

Ex will not lend DP any clothes to keep at his flat any more. She gave him loads over christmas and said she wouldn't be packing clothes for the kids any more and he will have to buy them from now on if he wants to keep clothes at his flat. Almost all of the clothes are too small now. the ones she gave him for the youngest are all size 3-4 for example. he is 6!!

The ex shouldnt have to kit his flat out. He should have bought clothes for them to keep there. They are his responsibility too. I can't fathom how you don't understand that.

The party gift update is ridiculous. A gift plus card can be as little as a fiver which is a bargain for your child having a 2/3 hours of fun.

Saying that your partner might have plans to take them away yet he’s never taken them away is comical. People do take away their kids at the weekend eg to see extended family but if he’s never done it then it’s not really a legit argument.

Your partner has been assessed as needing to pay zero child maintenance yet you keep saying that he pays more than the CMS amount which is embarrassing. 50p is more than zero too but it doesn’t make it ok to pay 50p every school holidays.