to be sick of DP's ex wife's demands

[forestcookie]

The dc live with her primarily but DP does loads. He takes the dc to school 2 mornings a week so she can go to work early and miss the traffic, he has to be at her house for 7.45am. He picks the children up once or twice a week, depending if it's his weekend or not - has them EOW for 3 nights. He would pick them up more but he works late 3 nights a week. He is on 25k, she is on something like 40k but she has standard office hours - 9-5, no late nights etc. He is in a tiny rented 1 bedroom flat, she has a large 3 bedroom house with a garden, driveway etc. She also gets child benefit and UC help, DP doesn't see any of that.

DP has just given her £300 towards their swimming lessons and summer holiday clubs - his "half", IMO she should pay more because she earns more, and I don't know why he is paying towards childcare because UC pay for it, but he didn't want her to kick off.

Now he usually picks up the children on Wednesday nights from after school club, again this enables her to work. She has just told him that tomorrow night she is going to see a friend for dinner and won't be back until 9.30pm. DP usually likes to leave her house by 9pm so he can get home and have dinner and prepare for work the next day. DP has told her this and she has kicked off saying she doesn't have a life or time to socialise (she does). I don't think she should be going out that night anyway, because DP has to be in her house without her which I don't really like. He has offered to have the kids overnight Wednesday nights but the dc don't want this.

AIBU to tell DP to put his foot down? He is knackered all the time from working late or looking after the DC while she gets to earn more and get home late as long as he is looking after them!

he shouldn't have to pay for 2x new wardrobes for them when the kids are only at his flat 2 weekends a month and they have more than enough clothes at their mum's house that DP has contributed to in the past!!! some of the stuff they used to wear is m&s, frugi etc not exactly cheap outfits

Yes, he should. It really is that simple. He provides for them at the very least when he has them. Which is not often, so not a whole wardrobe.

As for the clothes, your partner is responsible for kitting out the kids during his time with them. Considering that he doesn’t pay maintenance, it’s a cheek not to buy his own stash. I highly recommend bundles from places like Facebook marketplace for good solid basics.

Erm well if they’re only there two weekends a month they don’t exactly need two whole
wardrobes do they? 2 or 3 seasonal outfits in the correct size from Primark or Asda or whatever isn’t beyond his reach surely, especially as he doesn’t pay maintenance and is apparently saving for a house.

Imagine starting a thread to ask if you're being unreasonable, and when everybody tells you that yes, you are being unreasonable, you just continue to justify yourself and look more unreasonable with every subsequent post.
What is the point of making an AIBU post when you are just going to do that?
This person is exhausting.

so the kids used to come with frugi pyjamas and i just checked the website and they are over £35 each. for ONE pair of pyjamas. Yet Ex says she is not going to buy more clothes for them when she could go to tesco and buy a day outfit for both of them for that money.

He has the clothes he contributed to in the past, they're too small for them, remember? Yes, he has to buy them things for use at his house, if he thinks it not worth it as they don't spend long enough there he needs to be a proper dad and have them there more.

His ex deserve a medal for all she does for her children.

Next @forestcookie will be suggesting that his pittance is going towards the ex having her hair or nails done.

Child maintenance is his contribution for when the kids are with mum. If he only has them 2 weekends a month then he’ll only need 2 or 3 outfits per season and use the shoes that they arrive in. If he paid child maintenance 1+ years ago then the kids have probably outgrown those items plus it sounds like they are very young so won’t care if their clothes are from Primark or second hand

You are ridiculous. Of course their father needs to buy them clothes. That's very basic level stuff.

The ex can buy whatever clothes she likes for her kids, from wherever she likes. He needs to do the same, for when they are with him. Why is that so difficult to understand?

@forestcookie how do you know that they used to come over in Frugi pyjamas? I thought you'd never met them!

Hold on, how does he get help paying his rent if he has the money his ex gave him for his share of the house, plus the other money he's saved. He's racking up the fraud charges here!

no I won't be suggesting that , she doesn't make any effort with her appearance these days according to DP

@forestcookie you are unbelievable.

I personally don't think there's anything wrong here. If he wants to negotiate the days when he has them then he has to do that. You're overstepping the mark with 'I don't think she should be going out', that's none of your business, but if you feel the amount of time he is spending with them is way more than she does, fair enough, but it's not.

I don't have kids, but it sounds like he's being responsible, and could do more time wise, but he isn't.

@forestcookie you're not stupid....

Yet Ex says she is not going to buy more clothes for them when she could go to tesco and buy a day outfit for both of them for that money

You're so jealous of her, aren't you.

She can buy whatever clothes she wants for her children. Just because you think she ought to shop in Tesco, she doesn't need to do your bidding.

Your BF needs to get clothes for his children. There are plenty in charity shops.

why do people keep saying they feel sorry for the children? They have a great life - big house, holidays, activities, go to an outstanding school etc. tbf to the ex she did want to stay in the area so they could stay in their school.

@forestcookie

They have that because of their mother!!! In spite of them having a useless dad (who as per your post can't be arsed to buy his kids clothes in the correct size) they have a good life because they have s mum who works hard, she's setting a cracking example. It's sad that you're attracted to such a poor example of masculinity, you should probably raise your bar.

So you think that the higher earner should subsidise the lower earner until the kids turn 18? Divorce isn’t like that despite tv/movie rhetoric about taking a rich spouse to the cleaners. Mum is on 40k not 400k

OP, with kindness, you really, really need to calm down.

none of these are your battles and you must be exhausting yourself.

Kids go to parties, whichever weekend it is ( though a text to confirm is usual - are you sure this doesn’t happen?!) the gift should be brought by whichever parents takes them, I’ve never met half the kids or parents to while I’ve got gifts.

this is parenting.this isn’t going to go away because he’s met you, so you need to back right off and let it be, or walk away. But you must be wearing yourself out with all this!

This thread is revolting. OP, you’ve asked a question and you’ve got 29 pages of answers, the majority of which are telling you you’re being unreasonable. You came on to Mum’s net, presumably to benefit from the wise words of the women here. Stop arguing for a minute and try to hear what people are telling you. Or are you so twisted with jealousy that you can’t hear right from wrong?

The most ridiculous thing about this whole thread is that the OP is tying herself in knots about the finer details of the lives of her BF’s kids and ex…and they don’t even know she exists 🤣

He is earning £25,000 - he should be paying £285 per month CMS - he could do this and then his ex could spend as much as she likes on holiday clubs and swimming classes. Does the total that he pays, add up to more than that? If so.. he should go through CMS ... if not, he should pay more. I cannot comment on why CMS said he did not need to pay, but if he is earning, he should pay, regardless of how much you think it costs to raise children.

She has her Mum collect her kids from school 2 days per week so that she and he can work.

It does sound like they don't have great communication or balance in their relationship, but he could perhaps fix this.

Asking that he stay with their children until 9:30 one evening in a month, is not outrageous... it is really not.

Her disposable income is related to her job - you say luck - maybe.. but that is how things go. It is her job. You say he worked long hours before, not seeing the children - he did not sacrifice his working life to stay at home with the children - it is not a gender balance issue here - she has a better job, she has more disposable income.

Her house, her parents helped him buy her out - good for her. She, with the help of her parents, was able to house her children in the family home. He has not benefited from the subsequent rise in property prices but presumably he benefited in the rise in prices while he lived there and that was reflected in the amount her received when she bought him out.

Splitting one household into two is never easy. It is good, however, that he drops off and picks up twice a week.. this is unfortunately not reflected in CMS payments, but perhaps that is not relevant as he is not paying anyway. It is right that he should be an equal parent to his children... this is not about making their mother's life easier, it is about being an equal parent to his children. He owes them that, whatever your opinion might be,