to be sick of DP's ex wife's demands

[forestcookie]

The dc live with her primarily but DP does loads. He takes the dc to school 2 mornings a week so she can go to work early and miss the traffic, he has to be at her house for 7.45am. He picks the children up once or twice a week, depending if it's his weekend or not - has them EOW for 3 nights. He would pick them up more but he works late 3 nights a week. He is on 25k, she is on something like 40k but she has standard office hours - 9-5, no late nights etc. He is in a tiny rented 1 bedroom flat, she has a large 3 bedroom house with a garden, driveway etc. She also gets child benefit and UC help, DP doesn't see any of that.

DP has just given her £300 towards their swimming lessons and summer holiday clubs - his "half", IMO she should pay more because she earns more, and I don't know why he is paying towards childcare because UC pay for it, but he didn't want her to kick off.

Now he usually picks up the children on Wednesday nights from after school club, again this enables her to work. She has just told him that tomorrow night she is going to see a friend for dinner and won't be back until 9.30pm. DP usually likes to leave her house by 9pm so he can get home and have dinner and prepare for work the next day. DP has told her this and she has kicked off saying she doesn't have a life or time to socialise (she does). I don't think she should be going out that night anyway, because DP has to be in her house without her which I don't really like. He has offered to have the kids overnight Wednesday nights but the dc don't want this.

AIBU to tell DP to put his foot down? He is knackered all the time from working late or looking after the DC while she gets to earn more and get home late as long as he is looking after them!

OP, you haven't met his children?! After 2 years? Yeah, he doesn't want you to. You done need to stay the night when he has them so space isn't an issue, you could meet on a day out, at a restaurant for tea, at his flat for an hour or so, go with him to do his many many school pick ups. The fact is, he doesn't want you to meet them.

You haven't responded to how much money you think he should contribute and that's because you have absolutely no idea how much it costs to raise children. No idea at all. And that's because you haven't got children. You're also not going to have step children either because your boyfriend doesn't want you to have anything to do with them!

The more you update, OP, the more vile you come across.
Please just leave this man. His children don't need a wicked step mother in their lives. You sound awful.

Well as awful as she may be, the kids' father is choosing her...

"rope DP in" - they are HIS children. I don't think this can be for real

So much headache with this. Wouldn't it be better to find a man without kids/baggage/stress? I know it's not the answer you're looking for but your future self might thank you for leaving him. It won't get better!

Not really. After two years, he hasn’t moved in with her, bought a house, proposed or introduced her to his children. She is not, in any real way shape or form, sharing his life. She is at best a girlfriend but the cynical part of me suspects closer to a rebound or FWB than a ‘partner’.

I imagine he would be horrified if he saw this thread and just how invested she is.

OP hasn’t shared her salary and spending habits. Wondering if she thinks SHE needs financial support from the zero-hours man?

she isn't benefitting from the house value rise - she and her DC are living in this house. The value means nothing until she goes to sell, when guess what, anywhere she wants to buy will also have risen in price.

Its not the XW's fault that her XH is sitting on his share of the house finances and didnt out it into a new home .

you are overly focusing on the XW and not your boyfriend. You are with a man who has massive financial and time obligations to his children for the rest of his life and in particular until they are adults. this isn't going anywhere

I think you'll find it's none of your business. Don't be another know-it-all second partner who oversteps the mark. It's family business.

This isn’t anything to do with you though. It’s between the two of them. I’ve been a step mum for 30 years since my SD was 3. I’ve had my opinions of course but I’ve never gotten involved in disagreements between them.

I never said for a moment that it does need to be the end goal. Hence why I’m quite happy with my own situation after 4 years, and have no plans to change things.

However, this thread is about the OP, who is in a relationship with a man she calls her partner, even though after 2 years he hasn’t introduced her to his children, even meeting up for an ice cream at the park or a trip to the zoo or whatever. She hasn’t met 66% of the people in the relationship she’s in, after TWO YEARS. She is jealous of and way over invested in his ex’s life, who again she doesn’t know, and has completely fallen for her BF’s bollocks about how hard done by he is. They don’t live together and their finances are separate, so what he does (or largely doesn’t by the sounds of things) spend on his kids has NOTHING to do with her. The bottom line is, at this stage, for various reasons they have no idea whether this is a serious long term relationship, so I stand by the fact that he is not her ‘partner’.

Haven’t read all responses . I would say you are allowed to be annoyed at the demands , but the reality is it will always be like this . I wouldn’t get a house with him. You will probably always come lower than the ex in pecking order as it’s already been established . All of this is not your concern.

It’s also mumsnet and if you are a step mum/ nearly step mum etc you are dirt and all ex wives demands should be adhered to.

Yes and I walk away if I was OP , because who wants to be involved with someone else’s ‘family business ‘.

I would say you are allowed to be annoyed at the demands

Im confused, what ‘demands’ are being placed on this man? What unreasonable demands is the ex making?

thank you

I may have used the wrong wording when i said the ex "roped in" DP.

truth is he doesn't want to be at the receiving end of her demands either but if she doesn't come back at 9pm as agreed then DP doesn't have much of a choice but to wait for her.

I spoke to DP this morning and ex apparently won't budge, but did say that DP dictated the 9pm time and she was never given a choice. I think 9pm is late enough for him to stay. I thought both of the children would be asleep by then but apparently the oldest girl isn't even in bed by then! She's only 9! She goes to bed at 8 at DP's flat. It's his weekend this weekend too so he will see them on Friday anyway. Although Ex also mentioned the youngest has a party on friday after school now too so DP won't see him until later! Yet again DP misses out on time with him because ex agreed for him to go to a party without consulting with DP. That's on HIS time

You really don’t think these children are human beings do you? Maybe the youngest really really wants to go to his friends party.

What nonsense.
Mothers having to fight to get even a basic deal financially or timewise is all too common. Make no mistake, it's not about getting their way. It's about getting the best for their kids. Because the kids are the ones who suffer when men dip out of their parenting responsibilities. And somehow it all gets worse when a new gf or stepmum enters the fray.
OP has said nothing to suggest that the ex is weaponising the kids.

of course they are human beings but this weekend is DP's time and he should have been consulted if there is a party on his time. I expect the Ex wouldn't like it if DP told her what to do on HER weekends. The little one gets lots of party invites anyway because he's at that age where they have all class parties

Ans you are suggesting he should miss out for your boyfriend's sake? Why doesn't your bf take him and stay with him. That's what other parents do.

another thing Ex used to do is agree to them going to parties on DP's weekends and then expect DP to fork out the money for a card and present for the other child. a child that DP has never met or heard of and didn't agree to the youngest going to the party. but he does it so the kids don't miss out and he doesn't show up to a party without a present. But no mention of ex asking that this time or expecting DP to take him to party. Sounds like Ex will be doing that this time so that's one good thing at least

Although Ex also mentioned the youngest has a party on friday after school now too so DP won't see him until later! Yet again DP misses out on time with him because ex agreed for him to go to a party without consulting with DP. That's on HIS time

You sound like a petulant child over something that doesn’t even concern you. Imagine throwing a strop over a child you’ve never met going to a perfectly normal event like a party. It doesn’t matter who’s ‘time’ it’s on, or is his dad equally as petulant as you are - ‘sorry mate, I don’t care if it’s Jack’s birthday, this is MY time. Mine mine mine’. It’s absolutely pathetic to not realise what raising a child is about. Even my ex has never been this childish about needing to take one child to another place whilst he has time with the others, it’s for the benefit of the kids.

what if DP had planned to take them away for the weekend? Ex often takes them away for the weekends at short notice, to center parcs (she can afford that) and weekends away to visit family , again, DP wouldnt tell her to attend parties on her weekends

But surely if he did that he would have to miss the party?

the problem with short notice anything is that other plans may change.

The child is going to a party. Are you suggesting the child shouldn’t go to a party because it’s in his dad’s night?

Why is it just the ex’s responsibility to foster social interactions and pay for them? Did he miss the memo as much as you have that parenting is an equal venture?

Has he ever taken them away short notice?