to be sick of DP's ex wife's demands

[forestcookie]

The dc live with her primarily but DP does loads. He takes the dc to school 2 mornings a week so she can go to work early and miss the traffic, he has to be at her house for 7.45am. He picks the children up once or twice a week, depending if it's his weekend or not - has them EOW for 3 nights. He would pick them up more but he works late 3 nights a week. He is on 25k, she is on something like 40k but she has standard office hours - 9-5, no late nights etc. He is in a tiny rented 1 bedroom flat, she has a large 3 bedroom house with a garden, driveway etc. She also gets child benefit and UC help, DP doesn't see any of that.

DP has just given her £300 towards their swimming lessons and summer holiday clubs - his "half", IMO she should pay more because she earns more, and I don't know why he is paying towards childcare because UC pay for it, but he didn't want her to kick off.

Now he usually picks up the children on Wednesday nights from after school club, again this enables her to work. She has just told him that tomorrow night she is going to see a friend for dinner and won't be back until 9.30pm. DP usually likes to leave her house by 9pm so he can get home and have dinner and prepare for work the next day. DP has told her this and she has kicked off saying she doesn't have a life or time to socialise (she does). I don't think she should be going out that night anyway, because DP has to be in her house without her which I don't really like. He has offered to have the kids overnight Wednesday nights but the dc don't want this.

AIBU to tell DP to put his foot down? He is knackered all the time from working late or looking after the DC while she gets to earn more and get home late as long as he is looking after them!

I'm 29, haven't met the children yet as DP wants to keep them separate from our life together which I completely respect

Oh dear. This doesn’t sound good. I think after two years you would have met his dcs if you were that important to him. I’m afraid, as he hasn’t done so, it tells you all you need to know.

This all seems very unsympathetic to his ex. Goodness knows what went on for them to actually split up and then he changes jobs and earns less without presumably talking to her about it?
It sounds like she has the children with her a lot more and even though working 9-5 she’s looking after the kids.
Given it was his choice not to earn as much money then possibly she has the right to ask for half… she didn’t necessarily want him to take a pay cut and leave more of the financial burden to her?

Either way though I’d keep out of it and if he’s already winding you up not managing this well it’s a bit of a red flag!

İmagine being so ridiculously bitterly jealous of the lifestyle of a woman who has to work full time, almost practically full time parent her kids around that and rely on after school club and holiday clubs, so not even getting to spend much of the weekdays or holidays with her children, AND take them to regular swimming lessons, all on one wage. And not even a nice partner to come home to in the evenings and do the whole evening alone, day in day out. İs that the bar you're setting for yourself as someone profiting in life?

Btw by your own logic, you're not exactly smart yourself either, having to get your partner to buy a house with you, because you can't do it alone. Why don't you focus on your own income and increasing your own hours and prospects, instead of looking for failures in a woman doing something you sound like you never could.

I can usually see both sides of the OP and the disagreeing posters, but this is the very first time I've seen the OP getting a hard time and feeling the OP very much deserves it. Why don't you focus on improving your own life and sh

On the grandeur scale of glamour, there's all the other working or stay at home women in the country about to 'rope in' the men in their lives to help out with the washing up, or do the bedtime routine for their shared children. How dare they! These women are getting out of control with their equal expectations eh OP?

You are so out of touch with reality , it’s shocking.

You don’t think children cost £800 a month ??

Again - as people have told you over and over again - there is absolutely no way , no chance in hell , that she is getting 85% of her childcare costs reimbursed every month . It’s not how it works ! If it was , so many people would be better off . Look it up , it won’t take you long . They pay UP TO 85% …. This is added on to an entitlement that is reduced by earnings . People have told you this repeatedly and you just ignore it.

There is also no way that CMS would say he has to pay nothing - even so , you think anything he gives her is more than he should because they say nothing ??

If you had children and an ex earning £25k a year would you accept that he doesn’t have to pay you anything ? That he can just live with no financial responsibility to his children ?

Clearly , you are not happy that he can’t contribute to buying a home together so you are choosing to blame the ex and would be happy for him to relinquish his financial responsibility to them so that he could . I think you really need to re asses your morals.

You will get a lot of angry posts from disgruntled ex-wives on here, but you are not BU. Mothers using their kids as a weapon to get their own way over their ex is far too common and she does sound unreasonable.

Why would you need to be a disgruntled ex-wife to be annoyed by the OP's post? She thinks her partner is "knackered all the time" by "doing loads" for the kids, when really it just sounds like completely normal parenting.

@forestcookie oh you poor naive fool posting on here and daring to be a new girlfriend and having an opinion.

You/he probably does have a point, but it'll just be twisted on here and you will be patronised, insulted and told that it is all just a preview of your life with him.

In the real world some men are shits after a marriage break up. Sometimes the woman is the shit. My partners ex was and their kids were grown up when he left her for me so yeah I'm even worse as I'm the OW.

My advice, for what it's worth is to keep away from the whole shitty fall out between an ex husband and ex wife. Be there for him, but let him come to the conclusion himself that she's unreasonable and make the appropriate changes.

Sorry.

Has this thread suddenly been invaded by sock puppets and/or MRAs?

£1.78 per day per child. Less than a bottle of Diet Coke each. That’s what he’s contributed. One hour of heating from British Gas is £1.68.

This princely sum is to keep a roof over their head, keep them warm, keep them clothed, keep them fed, keep them clean, provide for their most basic welfare needs.

But children need much more than that - childcare, clubs, books, enrichment activities, family, toys, interests, new experiences, play dates, days out, birthday parties, fuel to get them places, all the things to give these children a happy and rounded childhood etc.

I’d be interested to see how you are calculating that the mother is profiteering from the cost of childcare, given the above?

I’d suggest you should also stop focussing on luxuries like the swimming and start focussing on helping her make savings on the basics. For £1.78 a day, she very probably needs to turn the fridge, cooker, heating and hot water off, stop paying council tax and buy the kids some gruel to eat.

You/he probably does have a point

@daliesque

lol have you actually read the OP’s posts? I bet if you do you will not actually be able to find a valid point among them.

You do realise it’s not helpful to project your completely different experiences onto the OP and tell her she must make sense somehow just because you believe you were in the right?

This is what she will get . This tells you in black and white that her wages reduce the childcare and shows you what she gets .

I really want to know how the ex is unreasonable? She is the one working full time, has the children most of the time, juggles childcare, pays for everything because OPs partner barely contributes and doesn’t pay maintenance, allows this man into her home to see his children because he has nowhere suitable for them. What has she actually done wrong?

OP, I’m embarrassed for you.

You are a fucking moron.

I’d like to know this as well @daliesque , can you give examples from the OP’s posts of where you think the ex has been unreasonable or how the partner is obviously doing too much in his part of raising his children and should cut back?

You sound bitter and delusional and quite frankly, not a decent person. The venom you spout at this woman is horrific. He's your boyfriend, nothing more. Stop over-in eating yourself.

Out of interest, what are you bringing to the house buying table? If "your man" and his ex bought a 3 bedroomed house for £300k, he got (presumably) half of that in the financial settlement when she bought him out, and he can get a mortgage for £100k, how are you not able to get a deposit for a bigger flat/house together? Where do you live currently?
How old are you? What's your income/mortgage potential?

Oh and if he's earning £25k and not declaring his wage to avoid CMS that is despicable, I don't know why you think you've bagged such a prince. Most women I know would run a mile at a man who is willing to defraud his own kids.....

So he gave up the well paid job with regular work for a low paid zero hours contract which still makes it impossible for him to share the childcare or be an equal parent because its evening work?

That really makes sense. All that seems to do is to reduce his income for CMS calculations.

You don't seem to grasp that they are 50% his kids and his responsibility. The ex is doing the bulk of the childcare/management as well as holding down the full time job.

Do not have children with this man - in ten years time you will be the ex with children whilst the new model is posting on MN about the demanding ex

You're wrong, my partner was out of work during Covid and the CMS people advised him he didn't have to pay anything at all (at that time he was claiming JobSeekers allowance).
He was on benefits for a about 5 months and he still offered to pay a certain amount as he wanted to but bottom line is YOU DON'T PAY MAINTENANCE WHEN ON BENEFITS AND THEY DON'T TAKE IT OFF OF YOUR BENEFITS

I'd focus less on your boyfriend's ex wife and more on the fact that you've been with him for 2 years and planning to move in with him but you haven't met his kids yet.

This. My ex is self employed (sub contracted) and earns £60k+. But because he fiddles with his tax returns, child maintenance claim he doesn’t have an income nor is on benefits so doesn’t have to pay a penny.

Even if OP’s partner was on benefits, it would be like £7 a week. And if he started new employment, hmrc would have triggered a change of circumstance for maintenance to do a new calculation. So the fact that he ‘doesn’t have to pay’ is that he is self employed and fiddles with his tax to get off paying properly

He could have easily met you with the children at a McDonalds for an hour or a park.
You not meeting them two years into a relationship and "a small flat" being the excuse just isn't valid.

I honestly would re evaluate this relationship and your involvement.

Your posts also make you seem quite emotionally immature and like you are dealing with internalised misogyny. I don't think this situation is healthy at all.

@SoInLuv

You are incorrect. My eldest son is on universal credit and pays £5 a week. Deducted from his benefits.

Unsure why your partner has been told that, but it's standard to pay cms from UC.

Certainly OP's partner would most definitely be paying cms on £25k a year!

Wait until you have 2 kids with this useless prat, he leaves you for a younger version of you, and then she claims he does “loads” and you’re “useless” because you earn more, have kids for 11/14 bedtimes and breakfasts, and he does the school run occasionally. You’ll LOVE that. Do get pregnant asap and please remember to come back to this thread!

As you are not a mother yourself, I would advise that implying a mother is not smart or capable because she has help for school runs due to working full time ( and then further implying that means she can’t “manage” ) will not go down well on a forum full of mothers .

OP you keep repeating that she gets 85% of childcare costs from UC. However, that is the maximum that they pay. Depending on how much his ex earns, they could be paying a lot less. There will be a shortfall that needs to be covered. She is the same age as your partner, has the added responsibility of childcare, yet has secured a well paid job with family friendly terms. That's more than luck. If it was that easy, surely DP could have managed the same. As for the cost of providing for children, the only way that you will really appreciate how much it costs and how much work is involved is when you finally manage to buy a home together and the children are with you 50% of the time. When you have to furnish bedrooms, buy clothes that they constantly tear, or grow out of, pay for school uniforms, school shoes, (school dinner money alone will be over £100 per month). You will also see that she doesn't just come home from work and put her feet up, there will be housework, schoolwork etc. Kids rarely just toddle off to bed leaving parents to enjoy a relaxing childfree evening. Many parents rely on help from friends or grandparents, it doesn't mean that she is less of a mother or deserves to be sneered at because of it. Also if you are serious about the relationship and buying a house together, you really need to begin the process of meeting his children. It doesn't need to be at anyone's home, in fact it's probably better on neutral ground, the park, softplay or something. Expecting them to just feel comfortable staying with a stranger, is ureasonable.

On the shower thing, you seem quite naive about life with kids. My instant thought took me back to waiting for my husband to come home so I could shower in bloody peace - without them killing each other, squabbling, asking what’s for tea, wanting to show me something, needing a wee, sitting outside the bathroom door asking why the sea is not spelt C.

I’ve been fortunate to have a full time husband and father to my children in my life. I can well imagine the ex wanting to grab a quiet shower when this guy pitches up. I also imagine she’s well over having sex with this prince of a man.

Actually CMS gets reassessed when there’s and increase or decrease of 25% minimum. So he will have been assessed when he left his employment, hence the bill award but will now have to inform he’s back in employment and pay accordingly. Which should be around £250ish.

He has to pay this. And if he does t inform them they’ll find out when the do the assessment next year and the the figures from HMRC. Then he’ll be in a huge amount of debt to his ex and CMS so he has better sort that and sharpish. Otherwise they’ll take him for a liability order if he doesn’t pay up.