to be sick of DP's ex wife's demands

[forestcookie]

The dc live with her primarily but DP does loads. He takes the dc to school 2 mornings a week so she can go to work early and miss the traffic, he has to be at her house for 7.45am. He picks the children up once or twice a week, depending if it's his weekend or not - has them EOW for 3 nights. He would pick them up more but he works late 3 nights a week. He is on 25k, she is on something like 40k but she has standard office hours - 9-5, no late nights etc. He is in a tiny rented 1 bedroom flat, she has a large 3 bedroom house with a garden, driveway etc. She also gets child benefit and UC help, DP doesn't see any of that.

DP has just given her £300 towards their swimming lessons and summer holiday clubs - his "half", IMO she should pay more because she earns more, and I don't know why he is paying towards childcare because UC pay for it, but he didn't want her to kick off.

Now he usually picks up the children on Wednesday nights from after school club, again this enables her to work. She has just told him that tomorrow night she is going to see a friend for dinner and won't be back until 9.30pm. DP usually likes to leave her house by 9pm so he can get home and have dinner and prepare for work the next day. DP has told her this and she has kicked off saying she doesn't have a life or time to socialise (she does). I don't think she should be going out that night anyway, because DP has to be in her house without her which I don't really like. He has offered to have the kids overnight Wednesday nights but the dc don't want this.

AIBU to tell DP to put his foot down? He is knackered all the time from working late or looking after the DC while she gets to earn more and get home late as long as he is looking after them!

This may or may not be a fair arrangement for your boyfriend OR his ex. The fact is you don’t have any reason to have input. You don’t live with him. You don’t have any children with him. You have a biased account of events - his only. You may not be comfortable with him being in her home, but he has no option given his living circumstances. Her getting help with childcare costs via UC is irrelevant. It will not be full 85% but sliding scale dependent on her earnings, it may be considerably less than the actual cost. Money he is paying to “half” for the holiday cover is nothing more than maintenance he’s not paying in term time as he chose to reduce his earnings “to help her”. Presumably she could’ve just claimed more UC for a breakfast club and allowed him to keep working shifts and paying maintenance?? Better deal for her than ex hanging round the house because he’s nowhere to take the kids!

Even with your positive spin on his marvellousness it doesn’t sound great. You need to let him sort things out for himself so no-one can’t say you made him take XX course of action later. You also need to evaluate the situation critically to decide if you want yo hitch your waggon to this guy.

This.

I said at the beginning of this thread OP was too spiteful and emotionally immature to be around other people’s children.

Looks like I was right.

YES THEY DO usually, not sure if Covid was an exception to this. They deduct £8.40, £7 of which goes to the other parent.

@forestcookie If DP had the children full time she would have to pay £150-200 a week to him I think. I do not believe that they cost £800 a month thats absurd. They are primary school aged not teenagers

You need to wise up and make some effert to understand the responses that you are getting. If he had the children full time, the £600-£800 per month she paid to him would be for ALL the costs of running a household - rent, bills, food for everyone etc - it's not meant to be money just for spending on particular things for the children.

It's ok @Cherry8809 she has promised us she won't be procreating so the shit gene pool dies with her..unfortunately her shit partner already passed his on, let's hope for their sake they take after their mum..

OP is obviously a troll, no one could go on like this!

I'll tell you how much my primary school kids cost.

Extra rent : £400 a month
Food £400 a month for both
Extra school stuff equals about £30 a month
School uniform £400 a year ( once every summer and once every winter) ( school shoes are now £50/£60 a pair!!!)
Birthdays £400 a year
Christmas £400 a year
Extra curricular activities which yes they should do if able £200 a month
Extra bills such as water and energy £40 ISH a month

If I add in days out it would be an extra £150 a month

That totals 15480 a year for the essentials. Not including clothes to wear at home or home entertainment. Thats £1290 a month.
Now tell us how kids aren't that expensive, it only goes up the older they get.

That's not including all the other random extras such as traveling around, passports, school photos, days out!!!! School trips!!! My schools asking for £240 per child for the school trip!!!

I guess I was wrong then, sorry PP, and thanks for telling me.

Ohh!!! Uniforms for said extra curricular!! £200-400 a year minimum.

@SoInLuv I was also thinking that, I know people on job seekers £70 a week having to pay CMS even though its not much

@SoInLuv sorry wrong @

Two years in and he wants to keep you “separate” from his kids. Read the writing on the wall, OP 😂

Of course a mother is failing if she can't do the school run due to work.

All the best mothers I know have mastered the art of splitting themselves in half precisely so they can deal with these sorts of situations.

Ex needs to up her parenting game so she can meet her parenting responsibilities and leave this poor wee fellow alone to be petted by the OP.

OP: AIBU?

MN: yes

OP: but.....

MN: YABU

OP: well...

MN: YADBVU

OP: rinse & repeat

Oh is she not splitting herself in half ?? I just assumed … gosh. What a total failure !

I’d like to know this as well @daliesque , can you give examples from the OP’s posts of where you think the ex has been unreasonable or how the partner is obviously doing too much in his part of raising his children and should cut back?

Can't be arsed. It's just a thread in AIBU. You're not my employer or in any position of authority above me.
I'm just posting from my experiences as an ex wife to a grade A twat, and current partner to a man who had a shite marriage.

If I was 29 I'd run for the hills personally, but the OP isn't so 🤷‍♀️

@forestcookie

Not sure how you worked out that she is smart and capable when she has to rope her Mum and DP in to cover what she can't manage. From what dp said she had some lucky breaks at work and was lucky to land a family friendly flexible employer that she's worked for for years. Again , luck. Meanwhile dp has had to deal with the insecurities of zero hours contracts, shit managers and not seeing his kids much because he's always had to work evenings.

This. Is incredibly offensive,

I am a full time working mother. With a nursing degree. And I have help from my family with child care from time to time, they've been to after school clubs,

Mothers are humans. With one set of arms and one set of legs, we aren't superhuman,

Good you don't want kids really, cos you'd be in for the shock of your life!

Educate yourself,

The ex will be getting bare minimum on UC, prob about 20% of her childcare paid for, if that! Some months she may get nothing,

Your DP SHOULD be paying for his children,

If you don't like that and it's preventing you from buying a house you need to go do that by yourself

The fact you have not met these children yet after two years. Should tell you all you need to know about your dp. He's not commited

He could have easily met you with the children at a McDonalds for an hour or a park.
You not meeting them two years into a relationship and "a small flat" being the excuse just isn't valid.

This is so true. Maybe he doesn’t really want to buy a house with you OP, so he’s giving you excuses as to why he can’t save.

They're HIS kids, he can't manage them 50/50 so no she is not roping him in to cover her share, quite the opposition. As for her mum she is picking up some of the slack left by their dad not doing his share.

Not being able to stay at his place while he has the kids in no way precludes you from meeting them out for lunch or on a walk or for dinner at his house or in many many other differ settings.

Introducing his kids to her would be a commitment of sorts though, wouldn't it.
As it stands he's all mouth and no trousers.

I suspect he's planning on using the OP financially. We've read about it soooo many times. She'll be putting in most of the house deposit, they will move in together despite OP not meeting his children beforehand. Then he'll leave all the cooking, cleaning, childcare to OP but won't let her discipline his children. Possibly even getting her to pay all the bills because he's had to pay the ex for uniforms or some other sob story. Three years down the line she will be trapped and run ragged, unable to leave, and broke, while him and the kids enjoy the house she's paid for.

He's doing the long con on you OP.

He's saving for a deposit by reducing his hours and income and not working during school holidays?

It is between them as to arrangements for their children and with the ex wife , they are not your children and unfortunately it is not about you and what you want. Your DP is his own person who doesn't need to be told and he has to manage this himself if he is not happy with what the other parent of his children is suggesting, not you. Let's be honest also, it's not like he is doing the lions share of parenting despite what he / you may think 🙄 The phrase not my monkeys, not my circus comes to mind...

OP you sound like an absolute walloper!

@jenecomprendspas24 "So you don’t live together and he’s more of a boyfriend than a partner?"

My DP and I live apart by choice, as we accept that we are too different to live together full time, it suits us. 5 years (apart from a 6 month break explained below) and we are doing fine, he is not my boyfriend, he is my partner.

@forestcookie Unless your DP has his kids exactly 50/50 and still pays £££ in child support AND bends over backwards for when she wants to go out etc, he would never be right on here and neither would you. And even then, he would be accused of taking more time than the mother and being selfish.

As it is, your comment about "he doesnt want her to kick off" rings true. Had this with my DP in our first couple of years and I ended our relationship for 6 months as a result. I was never bothered about the kids coming first, thats how it should be (and as it is with mine) but they werent. In every relationship in his life, including with his kids, SHE came first. Didnt matter what he, they or I wanted, what SHE said went.

She would threaten to not let him see them, which given that when they were together if he ever said no to her she would disappear with the kids for a few days until he said yes, is understandable. However, after they split, she met someone else really quickly and was out as often as possible, asking for the kids to stay with him far more than 50/50, it was obvious that she wouldnt keep them from him.

When he lost me and then his family all got fed up with him moaning about her and his friends did the same, he started standing his ground. Now they have an arrangement that works and actually she is worried about upsetting him in case he says no when she wants a favour. He never would, but she doesnt need to know that. Piss takers will take the piss as long as you let them.

Love this!