to be sick of DP's ex wife's demands

[forestcookie]

The dc live with her primarily but DP does loads. He takes the dc to school 2 mornings a week so she can go to work early and miss the traffic, he has to be at her house for 7.45am. He picks the children up once or twice a week, depending if it's his weekend or not - has them EOW for 3 nights. He would pick them up more but he works late 3 nights a week. He is on 25k, she is on something like 40k but she has standard office hours - 9-5, no late nights etc. He is in a tiny rented 1 bedroom flat, she has a large 3 bedroom house with a garden, driveway etc. She also gets child benefit and UC help, DP doesn't see any of that.

DP has just given her £300 towards their swimming lessons and summer holiday clubs - his "half", IMO she should pay more because she earns more, and I don't know why he is paying towards childcare because UC pay for it, but he didn't want her to kick off.

Now he usually picks up the children on Wednesday nights from after school club, again this enables her to work. She has just told him that tomorrow night she is going to see a friend for dinner and won't be back until 9.30pm. DP usually likes to leave her house by 9pm so he can get home and have dinner and prepare for work the next day. DP has told her this and she has kicked off saying she doesn't have a life or time to socialise (she does). I don't think she should be going out that night anyway, because DP has to be in her house without her which I don't really like. He has offered to have the kids overnight Wednesday nights but the dc don't want this.

AIBU to tell DP to put his foot down? He is knackered all the time from working late or looking after the DC while she gets to earn more and get home late as long as he is looking after them!

a careful omission of absolutely any details about what the DP actually thinks or feels.

I can see why you'd think this is a man, and you may be right, but I actually think it's real...and if it's not, it's still how a lot of people really think. I suspect she isn't saying what he thinks because she doesn't care; it's about what she thinks and wants.

I'm getting the impression of a somewhat useless, passive man who's gone for a bustling woman to take charge for him...and absolute bonus that she thinks everything is his ex's fault and he's a hero for his piddling contribution. I wondered initially what on earth is in this for her, since she seems to be striding purposefully into a life she hates and she can't be after his money because he hasn't got any...but now I'm thinking she might just want a weak man she can bulldoze.

In that sense they're probably a good match; just a shame they didn't meet before he had kids. I feel sorry for the kids, though, and for their mother who's having her finances ripped apart by an irrelevant person who also wants to dictate when she showers and where she takes her kids swimming.

OP, you can't bulldoze and control the ex or the kids. The dude alone will have to do.

How about you tell your DP to pull his finger out and use all his free time (he has much more than than his ex) to get a better paying job so he can actually provide for the children he already has instead of bitching to his girlfriend about his ex having a better paid job than him meaning he doesn’t have to?

He’s late 30’s, a father of two and in a minimum wage job so he can get out of paying maintenance while only doing the bare minimum of childcare.

What a catch!

@NonPlayerCharacter if this was a real couple, you would have talked about it together, right? OP has apparently just decided on her own what things should be like 😂 and he is irrelevant in the matters from the sounds of things. Not one single mention of their joint plans or discussions isn’t that weird?

OP for the sake of those two children, please break up with this guy - you sound as though you will be a horrible and divisive influence in their lives. You already resent everything about them. They should be your boyfriend's financial and emotional priority for the next two decades at the least.

He should be paying weekly maintenance PLUS paying 50/50 on extras like hobbies and activities.

He should want his kids to have as rich and enriched life as possible.

He isn’t doing 50/50 on any level.

It's not weird if their relationship is based on him being a wimp and her just bulldozing and deciding for him what he thinks and wants. If that's the case, she isn't mentioning what he thinks because it wouldn't occur to her that it might not be what she wants it to be.

We'll never know, of course. I'm certainly hoping it's a troll. But people like this do exist.

Cover what she can’t manage?

are you joking?

she’s the primary care giver AND the primary earner covering the vast majority of outgoings.

you’re living in the clouds.

Don't usually comment on these things but OP, please, even if you ignore all the other advice and information here, can you PLEASE just stop and consider you are talking about his children. His actual, living, breathing, human being children who have needs, and emotions, and will continue to do so. You may never have met them but you are talking about being step parent to them, so put yourself in their place for one bloody second.

He is their FATHER. Not an occasional babysitter, not someone who his ex "ropes in" to help - their actual, real, father. Who should be doing 50% of the parenting and who will have them living with you both at various points (though it doesn't seem likely you are enthusiastic about that at all). Doesn't he talk about them? Don't you understand they have personalities, likes, dislikes - maybe the one who can now swim and who you therefore think should stop just really, really loves swimming? Didn't you love things as a kid? I presume you had parents: what did you want from them?

Please just have some empathy.

But he still doesn't see them much, so that doesn't add up.

I think you need to wake up OP.

Also, it really should be between the two of them.

25k is not a particularly low wage and he should be paying regular maintenance.

I have RTFT.

You are obviously the new partner on the scene and you want DP’s time and financial resources for your new life and house together. You see his ex and children as competition for those scarce resources and obviously trying to get into his ear about it to convince him it’s so unfair, whereas 50/50 care by both parents is actually the norm and ideal today.

But he has responsibilities doesn’t he? So YABU.

DP wasn't going on about ex walking around in a towel , he just said she often showers and walks into the kids room to say goodnight whilst still in a towel , imo this is inappropriate and she needs to get dressed.

Why do you think he told you this OP?

What was his motivation do you think?

"Rope in dp"

They.

Are.

His.

Fucking.

Children.

I said it slowly in the hopes that maybe you may actually catch on.

She will always be the mother of his children but that doesn’t mean she’s his family. She’s his EX wife.

“You are just someone he hops in and out of bed with from time to time right now” - what a grim thing to say. OP has been with him for a couple of years now, sounds like a proper relationship rather than just a shag.

Lots of bitter sounding people on this thread. Presumably ex-wives! You’ll get nothing positive from this thread OP.

Your attitude is appalling. You do realise that she is the mother of your partners children so if you want to be in their lives as they grow into adults you won’t be able to show such hideous distain & nastiness towards their mother right? Additionally, you say they just “grew apart” so why is he slagging her off so much? You (and from what you’re saying, he aswell) are basically saying she’s not smart, not capable, that she got her career based on luck, that she can’t manage her childcare, bla bla bla. It’s all bitterness. Seems to me that your partner is the one with a shit job, shit prospects & a bit of a crap dad but it’s easy for you both to just shit all over his ex instead of take any responsibility for his own life circumstances.

Do you also realise that if he can be so cruel about his ex wife (who he once loved deeply) he could do the same to you?! The ex wife being made out to be an evil witch by the husband is a tale as old as time.

i haven't met the children yet because i can't stay over at his place yet whilst his children are there due to lack of space.

On what planet would your first time meeting his kids need to even remotely include you staying over at the same time as them?!

Meeting in a park / having a casual lunch / watching a film at the cinema etc would be normal.

Why on earth would you be staying over with them?!

Ex gets 85% of childcare costs back through UC. Yet she still expects (and DP pays) 50% from DP. so she is actually making a profit !! She sends DP the invoices so I can see how much they cost.

Those childcare costs are for wraparound costs where she has to pay another provider. She still has to pay for their food, clothes, heating and a roof over their heads. He isn't. There's no profit to be had, you numptie.

Honestly...you two sound like you were made for each other.

How predictable 🙄. And I’m going to be equally predictable and say you’re probably one of the second wives. Who are usually the OW, with zero moral compass, and are equally as bitter as they struggle to manipulate the ‘prize’ they’ve won…..

I take back what I said earlier, you sound well suited.

@forestcookie he is doing the bare minimum. He knows this, which is why it appears he is jumping to her tune with these minor things.

Actually I have only had the on DH and we are still happily married. I am however a step mother - for the last 17 years - and I normally am very sensitive to issues step mums have, who often get quite a raw deal on here.

HOWEVER.. this poster - assuming this isn’t some huge wind up - is not sounding like someone who will ever be ready to become a significant adult in the lives of her boyfriend’s kids.

It would be loads if he were an uncle babysitting. But he is not. He is a father parenting and he is doing far less of it than their mother.

She’s 100% not getting 85% of the childcare costs back. I just about get the full whack of 85% because I work part time in a nursery. Therefore on a very low wage. On hers she’ll be getting minimal assistance at best. So yes he should be paying his half, neither of them can work without the childcare after all. Especially as he doesn’t pay maintenance and has only contributed £600 to his children in 7 months.