to be sick of DP's ex wife's demands

[forestcookie]

The dc live with her primarily but DP does loads. He takes the dc to school 2 mornings a week so she can go to work early and miss the traffic, he has to be at her house for 7.45am. He picks the children up once or twice a week, depending if it's his weekend or not - has them EOW for 3 nights. He would pick them up more but he works late 3 nights a week. He is on 25k, she is on something like 40k but she has standard office hours - 9-5, no late nights etc. He is in a tiny rented 1 bedroom flat, she has a large 3 bedroom house with a garden, driveway etc. She also gets child benefit and UC help, DP doesn't see any of that.

DP has just given her £300 towards their swimming lessons and summer holiday clubs - his "half", IMO she should pay more because she earns more, and I don't know why he is paying towards childcare because UC pay for it, but he didn't want her to kick off.

Now he usually picks up the children on Wednesday nights from after school club, again this enables her to work. She has just told him that tomorrow night she is going to see a friend for dinner and won't be back until 9.30pm. DP usually likes to leave her house by 9pm so he can get home and have dinner and prepare for work the next day. DP has told her this and she has kicked off saying she doesn't have a life or time to socialise (she does). I don't think she should be going out that night anyway, because DP has to be in her house without her which I don't really like. He has offered to have the kids overnight Wednesday nights but the dc don't want this.

AIBU to tell DP to put his foot down? He is knackered all the time from working late or looking after the DC while she gets to earn more and get home late as long as he is looking after them!

This thread just gets more grim. It’s just a platform for OP to spout misinformed misogynistic tripe about a woman she’s never met. I am starting to think this is a man posting now

Honestly OP, I think you're trolling now or I despair. You are being utterly ridiculous.

She gets help from her family for childcare that she arranged because she works, not that she's trying to get out of school run, for goodness sake.

He could, I don't know, take the kids out and meet you? Why does it need to be in a home? Why can't you go for a meal/park/day trip? He's lying to you OP, it's quite absurd that you can't see it.

She can do what she likes in her own home, it's absolutely nothing to do with you and if your DP is uncomfortable, he will have to tell her.

He's not paying half is he? He's paying a nominal amount every term that doesn't even cover anywhere near the amount kids cost.

Get some standards OP, this is a truly pathetic attempt at making your DP into a decent dad, he isn't.

Is this a wind-up? OP, clearly you’ve made up your mind that your DP is a hard done by saint and his ex is an evil scheming money grabber. No point in anyone trying to tell you otherwise, even those who have been there and done that.

Wow, either your genuinely dim and have fallen hook, line and sinker for his ‘poor man’ act, or you’re actually (at best) very naive about what is right and fair in raising the children two people made. To be honest you’re coming over as quite vindictive at this point. 99% of what you’ve said is fully on your partner. His job, his living situation, his financial situation, the fact you haven’t even met the children in passing (it doesn’t have to be overnight stay situation). The ex hasn’t roped your partner into anything - it is literally just as much his responsibility as it is hers to meet the children’s needs. If he wants to pay less he has to do more - far far more. She parenting with a capital P whilst he’s nothing more than a glorified childminder.

I think it’s the ex, it’s a man

i haven't met the children yet because i can't stay over at his place yet whilst his children are there due to lack of space.

lol you seem to think that if space allowed your first meeting with the kids could end in you staying overnight alongside them. What planet are you on?

The first several months of meetings should be outings to the park, a cafe, a soft play or other age-appropriate activity, maybe a picnic. A couple of hours, fun, low-pressure.

You not being able to stay over should be no barrier whatsoever to meeting them.

You’re insanely naive, this guy is bullshitting you like crazy.

I’ve read all of your replies and you sound very bitter. Can you not take a step back and appreciate that the ex is trying her best to work and support children and that “DP” is simply supporting his own children rather than doing his ex a favour.

Have I read this right?

• He only has the kids overnight EOW.
• He doesn't pay maintenance. Just bits here and there?!
• He earns 20k but claims CMS have said he doesn't have to pay anything?
• He's mentioning to you casually that ex walks around in a towel. 🙄
• He wasn't happy having them (in a babysitting type role at her house) until 9:30 instead of 9?!
• The kids don't WANT more overnights with him, they prefer being at home.

And you are mad with her?? And think he's the bee's knees?!

Wowsers. 😳🤣

So he’s unwilling to contribute towards his own children unless calculates that he should? In the meantime you resent him paying half towards childcare and hobbies? Who do you think pays for his children’s food, clothes etc? Because you’re priority is buying a house with a man whose children you are yet to meet.

The more you comment the more awful and delusional you sound.
There is really no point stating facts to you.
Your partner SHOULD be parenting 50/50, this isn't HeLping!! It's being a parent.
If he did this he wouldn't have to pay anything and would see for himself how much children cost. He is paying for a 1 bed flat, she is providing a bedroom for their kids so paying for a much bigger house and all of their meals.
£800 a month for 2 kids is probably an under estimate.
Good for her for getting a flexible job, he should get off his lazy arse and do the same. It's not like he has to factor in childcare.
And......do you really think she goes home after work and does nothing?!! You are clueless and deserve the waste of space.

It’s possible but there are women who genuinely think that a man spending any time or money with they children post separation is somehow incredible and the ex is expecting too much of even a minimum/laughable effort. It’s a stereotype but usually it’s the man’s mother, but childfree younger girlfriends can be that naively in awe as well I guess. This idea that post separation it’s obviously the mother’s responsibility to finance and raise the children and it’s her own fault if she can’t keep a man happy enough to support her in doing so…

has to rope DP to cover what she can't manage

They're his children! He should be a fucking parent to them, financially and otherwise. You're actually infuriating, and I don't even have kids.

Perhaps you're well-matched with him, after all.

From what dp said she had some lucky breaks at work and was lucky to land a family friendly flexible employer that she's worked for for years.

Or she put an effort in her work, got promoted, searched for a family friendly employer.

as for the childcare she submits the invoice and proof of payment to UC. she then gets the 85% back. but she doesn't declare that HE has paid half! nor does DP get this back from UC!!!

And who pays for food, increased energy consumption, gas to ferry them to school, clothing, school lunches, after school clubs, toys, days out?

If DP had the children full time she would have to pay £150-200 a week to him I think. I do not believe that they cost £800 a month thats absurd. They are primary school aged not teenagers.

They absolutely do. You don't seem to accept that child related costs are not just holiday childcare invoices.

Yeah I think maybe you're right - this is the crux of it

OP the kids are half your partners responsibility and half their mums.

In terms of the financial cost of the children = she is paying way more for them

In terms of the TIME spent with the children = she is doing way more for them.

Your DP is underperforming at every aspect of being a good parent. Compared to him, the ex is over performing. He should be doing and paying way more

The only decent thing your DP has done is not introduce you to the kids. I’m sorry if that sounds harsh, but it’s not in his kids interest for you to be part of their lives.

You realise he’s not her parents son, yes? So why on earth are you whining about fairness based on how her parents help her?

I did have some sympathy for you but the more you post the more obvious it becomes that you are just not a nice person and are incredibly jealous of this woman. She isn’t roping him in to help, he is their fucking father and because he isn’t doing his fair share then her mum also has to help out. It seems like you think he shouldn’t have to pay or bear any responsibility for his own children and that says a whole lot about you as a person.
The fact that you haven’t met the dc 2 years into a relationship also says a lot about what your boyfriend thinks abut your relationship, you don’t need to sleep at his flat to meet them, in fact that would be a terrible way to start out. If he was serious about this being a long term thing then you would already have met them.

Do you have kids of your own?
YABVU

@forestcookie he's lying to you. I've just put his £25000 a year salary and 3 nights every other week into the cms calculator and he should be paying £65.73 per week for his 2 kids so I'd have a goog long look at his evil ex wife who just got lucky at work and controls/keeps his dc away whilst simultaneously preventing him from getting a nice place/job and moving on with his life.

BTW are you planning on meeting and getting to know his dc before effectively moving in with them?

There is so much intricate detail about the ex finances and personal circumstance's (they have never met) and a careful omission of absolutely any details about what the DP actually thinks or feels. The OP has been careful to make sure where is actually little to no context about the DP as a person with any of their own feelings or ideas, the entire post is a very detailed insight into another woman’s finances. There would have been some dialogue about what this DP thinks by now if it was a real relationship IMO and there is no mention of what they have discussed as a couple or what he has shared he wants. This is why I conclude there is something off and wrong about it. It is creepy that someone could know so much about another person and them have no idea. I’ve asked what the DP thinks and the OP just keeps adding more detail about the mothers circumstances

I agree op is trolling 🧌 🤣 if not I hope the ex wife drops the towel next time 😉

You’re being utterly ridiculous. He doesn’t even “pay for” the childcare. He pays a small amount every term break and nothing else! How far do you think £300 every 3/4 months goes on 2 children? Shocker, it’s not that far.
She has to house them, pay all the bills and running of the house, feed them, pay for extracurriculars, clothes, school items, school trips.
The amount he pays is a literal drop in the bucket.

Omg this has made me really angry.

You seem to be under the impression that 100 percent of the parenting responsibility actually belongs to her and that anything your boyfriend does is "helping her". That is completely wrong.

She has 50 percent percent responsibility and your boyfriend has 50 percent responsibility. That is how parenting after separation works. However, your boyfriend is thoroughly dropping the ball and from what I can tell, he is doing around 20 percent of the parenting (while not paying sufficient maintenance) while the ex does 80 percent.

Her MUM is helping her pick up some of the slack left by your useless boyfriend, which is likely necessary because after-school care is fucking expensive and also not that nice for kids! No matter how family-friendly the employer is, it's unlikely she can get enough flexibility to do a school run every day as that is not the reality of the 9-5 workplace.

Also, if she's picking the kids up from after-school care THAT IS THE SAME AS A SCHOOL RUN. It means having to be in a particular place, at a particular time every day no matter what, a daily responsibility. (After-school care also has crippling fines if you are even a couple of minutes late.) It's the RESPONSIBILITY that counts, not the time or the venue.

You are far too ignorant of the realities of parenting to offer any kind of opinion on this situation. Every time you time a post that becomes more evident. Stop embarrassing yourself.

Not sure how you worked out that she is smart and capable when she has to rope her Mum and DP in to cover what she can't manage.

Omg it’s not her job to manage the children 100% of the time. Half it is down to him and he refuses to do that because he “wants a life” or doesn’t want to be too tired after 9pm.