to be sick of DP's ex wife's demands

[forestcookie]

The dc live with her primarily but DP does loads. He takes the dc to school 2 mornings a week so she can go to work early and miss the traffic, he has to be at her house for 7.45am. He picks the children up once or twice a week, depending if it's his weekend or not - has them EOW for 3 nights. He would pick them up more but he works late 3 nights a week. He is on 25k, she is on something like 40k but she has standard office hours - 9-5, no late nights etc. He is in a tiny rented 1 bedroom flat, she has a large 3 bedroom house with a garden, driveway etc. She also gets child benefit and UC help, DP doesn't see any of that.

DP has just given her £300 towards their swimming lessons and summer holiday clubs - his "half", IMO she should pay more because she earns more, and I don't know why he is paying towards childcare because UC pay for it, but he didn't want her to kick off.

Now he usually picks up the children on Wednesday nights from after school club, again this enables her to work. She has just told him that tomorrow night she is going to see a friend for dinner and won't be back until 9.30pm. DP usually likes to leave her house by 9pm so he can get home and have dinner and prepare for work the next day. DP has told her this and she has kicked off saying she doesn't have a life or time to socialise (she does). I don't think she should be going out that night anyway, because DP has to be in her house without her which I don't really like. He has offered to have the kids overnight Wednesday nights but the dc don't want this.

AIBU to tell DP to put his foot down? He is knackered all the time from working late or looking after the DC while she gets to earn more and get home late as long as he is looking after them!

A) It’s none of your business.
B) It’s not ‘looking after’ the children, it’s called being a parent.

Not really, just a statement of fact.

He used to earn more but changed jobs last year to spend more time with the children. Yet she kicked off because he had to stop paying weekly maintenance. She did a cms claim and they said she wasn't entitled to anything because he wasn't working enough.

So he wants to spend time with the dc without paying regularly to bring them up. Bloody hell, what a prince.

"She makes a profit" 🤣🤣🤣

When I thought I'd read it all on MN

Yes, I agree.

What a ridiculous comment. Sorry, that’s just ridiculous

You are delusional or a troll.

He should be paying almost £300 a month as a minimum. He isn't. He's making her ask for money. £300 doesn't keep 2 children a month let alone quarterly. I spend more than that in fruit and veg for my 2 in a month. He should, and should want to, pay money towards their clothing, clubs, swimming as well as his CM ( which he currently isn't paying).

You're a crank and he's a deadbeat.

And it's literally none of your business. His kids, his business. You're just a new girlfriend.

I agree. Maybe the ex is on here and will see it.

he can't suddenly go from earning 25k to earning 60k, how absurd

he has paid his basic dues. for the last time, CMS said he didn't have to pay anything so he is paying over what he absolutely has to. they only assess his wages once a year, so when the time comes for reassessment of course he will pay more if that is what he is told to do.

he hasn't bought a house yet because on his current wage he'd only be able to borrow 100k max and that plus the lump sum he got in the divorce isn't enough to buy a 2 bedroom property let alone the equivalent of what ex owns. she also got family help to reduce her mortgage down when she bought DP out. DP won't have that luxury- his parents are not in good health !!!

i haven't met the children yet because i can't stay over at his place yet whilst his children are there due to lack of space. i can hardly come over to his ex's house can i.

DP wasn't going on about ex walking around in a towel , he just said she often showers and walks into the kids room to say goodnight whilst still in a towel , imo this is inappropriate and she needs to get dressed.

as for the childcare she submits the invoice and proof of payment to UC. she then gets the 85% back. but she doesn't declare that HE has paid half! nor does DP get this back from UC!!!

the more money she insists he chucks at the kids' expensive hobbies the longer it will take for us to save up for a place of our own that the kids can stay at more regularly. of course this affects me, him and the kids. very convenient for ex though.

she bought him out, he is not on the mortgage anymore. she doesn't finish work in time for the school run every day. they go to after school club or her Mum picks them up. So she doesn't even have to do the school run half the time. Just finishes work and comes home They divorced last year. Been separated since covid.

If DP had the children full time she would have to pay £150-200 a week to him I think. I do not believe that they cost £800 a month thats absurd. They are primary school aged not teenagers.

You know something, I can't be bothered. You're choosing this life so at least stop blaming the ex for it. Why are you even shacking up with this guy if you don't want to accept the realities of his family responsibilities?

It's certainly convenient for him that you think everything you don't like is his ex's fault.

The ex doesn't know the OP exists.

Otherwise why else wouldn't her bf let his DC meet her?

the more money she insists he chucks at the kids' expensive hobbies the longer it will take for us to save up for a place of our own that the kids can stay at more regularly. of course this affects me, him and the kids

’expensive hobbies’ 🤣 didn’t you say they go swimming? It’s not like she’s insisting they play polo.

and where’s the chucking of money? £300 every five months for two DC? 😂

very convenient for ex though

why would she care if he bought a bigger house? in fact she may be happy about it as the DC would be more inclined to stop over

are you trolling? or been smoking something illegal?

He sounds like a bit of a dud really. It's nice that he does a bit for his kids (many dads don't) but he's really not pulling his weight equally, is he?

Let's put it this way... if he got abducted by aliens and was never seen again, they'd probably all get by without him. But if his ex did...well... that would be disastrous for the kids.

Not sure how you worked out that she is smart and capable when she has to rope her Mum and DP in to cover what she can't manage. From what dp said she had some lucky breaks at work and was lucky to land a family friendly flexible employer that she's worked for for years. Again , luck. Meanwhile dp has had to deal with the insecurities of zero hours contracts, shit managers and not seeing his kids much because he's always had to work evenings.

Wait a minute, at first you said she was renting "her rent is £700 per month on £40k salary" now suddenly she owns the marital home and it's so unfair on your boyfriend (and he is a boyfriend, not a partner)

How much did he get when she bought him out? Where has that money gone? If he's prioritised socialising and dating and meeting a new girlfriend, then all the new relationship stuff like holidays and date nights etc he can hardly plead poverty when it comes to his kids. They should be his priority, not you.

Also your story keeps changing regarding the figures, but it's clear he pays zero maintenance (bollocks reason why btw, as multiple PPs pointed out)

On £25k why is he not paying regular CMS??

You sound like a casual girlfriend caught up in the drama and getting over invested on behalf of "your man". Do you post territorial photos with cringey captions all over social media as well?!

It isn't with what the OP has posted.

FFS. On £25k he should be paying child support. If he was assessed as not having to pay when he quit his job (I assume) he isn't allowed to wait a whole year before telling them he's working/earning more, he has to notify them. Is he in for a shock!

How do you know what a person you've never met does with their childcare receipts? She can submit them but they will not pay someone on her wage 85% of the cost back, it doesn't work like that.

Universal Credit pays about £315/month/child before deductions, do you think children with 2 working parents have lower costs then a child living in poverty? You're delusional.

Why should he have to be told to pay when they re-assess? Does he not think he should? Posters have told you how much per month he should expect to pay, this is how much per month he should currently, under his present circumstances, be paying. And isn't.

No, she probably doesn't make it to school for 3oclock, no need for the judgement she's out grafting to feed and clothe them (and the rest!) So yeah, after school clubs it is. For her and countless others out there.

She shouldn't have to refund him for the childcare as he isn't contributing to their day to day living.

And no its not absurd, raising kids is expensive. In other news, water is wet

"has to rope DP to cover what she can't manage"

You realise the kids are 50/50 right? Why on earth are you talking like they're HER responsibility and he's doing her a favour by parenting. He should be doing way, way more for his kids than this

Even someone unemployed of UC is expected to pay CM. The only way he can be earning to low an income is if he's self employed and claiming a lower income so you don't have to pay. Which makes him scum.

She has to get her mum in because DP doesn't do his share, she's only 50% responsible for those kids you know.

Not sure how you worked out that she is smart and capable when she has to rope her Mum and DP in to cover what she can't manage.

This statement shows you know absolutely nothing about caring for children and childcare. I knew more than you as a teenager.

From what dp said she had some lucky breaks at work and was lucky to land a family friendly flexible employer that she's worked for for years.

More and more employers of various sizes are being flexible and family friendly. It is cheaper to keep staff rather than recruit and train new ones. Most staff only need the employer to be flexible for a few years while the children are under 11.

Meanwhile dp has had to deal with the insecurities of zero hours contracts, shit managers and not seeing his kids much because he's always had to work evenings.

Nothing has stopped him retraining into a more family friendly job. I know lots of men and women who have retrained. In fact I know someone who is retraining now for her 4 career change.

Not sure how you worked out that she is smart and capable when she has to rope her Mum and DP in to cover what she can't manage.

You can't manage it and it's not even anything to do with you (and since he's their dad, he should indeed be on hand to parent them; she's not a failure because her kids' father isn't completely absent).

And yet you're walking into it willingly, complaining all the way. Who's the smart, capable one?

You realise the kids are 50/50 right?

Her entire issue is that she doesn't realise this. At all. She hates it but she's still choosing it. But ex is the fool...